Mixed kNuts: Season’s Beatings For One and All

Wow, I can’t tell you the last time I wrote an actual”Mixed kNuts” column. You know, the kind with the Kitchen Sink, and the Cheesecake, and the randomness generally associated with, uh, me? Since it’s Christmas, I’m gifting myself (and verbing too) the time to write something fun, and since it’s not particularly fair to post some other writer on Christmas (nobody reads Christmas Day, silly), I’ll proudly fill the void.

Wow, I can’t tell you the last time I wrote an actual”Mixed kNuts” column. You know, the kind with the Kitchen Sink, and the Cheesecake, and the randomness generally associated with, uh, me? Since it’s Christmas, I’m gifting (and verbing) myself the time to write something fun, and since it’s not particularly fair to post some other writer on Christmas (nobody reads Christmas Day, silly), I’ll proudly fill the void.

I’ll warn you ahead of time, this article is light on actual Magic content. In fact, the only real”Magic” related stuff will be gifts and Christmas wishes to the Magic Glitterati. (The sarcasm should be killing you right about now.) After I dole out my Season’s Beatings to your favorite Magic celebs, I’ll hit the gas and deliver some Christmas dessert, and wrap things up with a brief Kitchen Sink section.

Merry Christmas everybody! I hope you get everything you’ve needed and even some of the things you wanted.

I’m the Beatdown

So I’m delivering gifts and Christmas wishes to all of my favorite Magic personalities. These are all meant to be read with a spirit of holiday cheer, so don’t go flying off the handle if it looks like I’m picking on someone. I’m not. But I might be poking a little fun at them… (If you don’t get the jokes, I humbly apologize.)

Osyp Lebedowicz – My Christmas wish for Osyp is that he will stop lying so he can finally become a real boy. Barring that, I wish for something other than his nose to grow every time he tells a lie, so he could at least get some use out of his special talents.

Zvi Mowshowitz – To Zvi I give an appearance on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy before he moves out of NYC. I was going to give him a job designing card games, but he already got one of those, so congrats.

Brian Kibler – To Kibler I deliver a place to live that is not shared with your mother, and a wish that once or twice in the new year, you might tell a story that does not relate to you.

Antonino De Rosa – To the Italian Stallion I give continued adventures that result in photographs not publishable on StarCityGames.com (and that’s saying a lot). Aside from that, good luck with your audition for”The Fast and Furious 3 – Elantras Unleashed!” though it’ll be hard to match Paul Walker’s screen presence.

Tomi Walamies – To Tomi I give a bar of Old Spice deodorant stolen from him in New Orleans, another year on the Pro Tour, and the hope that a new job doesn’t steal him away from Magic for good.

Ken Krouner – To Ken I give a new crystal ball to replace the old cracked one he’s been using. I also give a T-Shirt that says”No, I’m not gay. Honest. I don’t even like Streisand!” on the front, while on the back it says”But my favorite Musical is Jekyll and Hyde.”

Jon Becker – Jon gets”something stuck in his craw” and best wishes on the new practice. Now write more, dammit!

Michael J. Flores – Mike gets to keep helping me with my project (which will be finished someday, I promise), and a successful life as a comic book artiste. Oh yeah, and a Beta Lure signed by yours truly.

Scott Johns – Congrats and good luck with the new job. At least now I can stop feeling like somebody stole my analytical half and moved it to the west coast, and I can go back to writing the same old sh** every States and Regionals.

Tim Aten – To Tim I would give interesting, gainful employment and companionship of the female variety. Not that hetero life partner Joey Bags isn’t enough, but it’s nice to mix it up every now an again. Oh yeah, and the new Missy Elliot album:”If’ yous a fat one put your clothes back on, before you start puttin’ potholes in my lawn.”

Geordie Tait – To Geordie I deliver a)”The Insider’s Guide to Drafting Mirrodin” written by Ken Krouner b) good cheer throughout the year, and c) a wish that you always play”tight.”

Ferrett Steinmetz – To Ferrett I give a big thank you for all the help and plenty of time to code and write your own stuff (some stuff for StarCityGames would be nice too, mister). I also hope that your cult (786 members and counting) gets officially recognized sometime in the next year, as I think that would be a major step for you. Your car is waiting outside, Mr. Koresh…

Mike Turian – To Mike I give permission to turn in the latest Dilemma article… any… day… now, congrats on the engagement, and kudos for the new writing style.

Canadian National Champion Josh Rider – To Josh I give poker winnings measured in U.S. dollars, not Canadian shekels, and a continued love for the game of Magic.

Pete Hoefling – To Poitr, I wish continued success with the business and the phone number of a guy named”Vinnie,” who specializes in these sorts of things.

Jim Ferraiolo – Jimmy Bean gets more adventures involving Hunter S Thompson, more time to write, and ARod in his stocking. Now get home already so we can use the new poker chips!

Bennie Smith – I was going to give Bennie a PTQ Top 8, but that would require him actually showing up at PTQs, so instead I’ll just give him a viable Type 2 deck that uses Plow Under.

Ben Bleiweiss – To Ben I give continued health and prosperity, and a copy of”Understanding the Plight of the Cracka” written by Charles Mousseau. Ben’s a Jew, so he’s not necessarily hip to that, yo.

Sheldon MeneryThis is beyond my power to give to you, and even if I could introduce you, you’d still have a lot of work to do. That said, she’s all yours.

Oscar Tan – Oscar gets a full set of Star City Tokens and a playset of Humility for his casual games, as I’m guessing they will be hard to fit into Keeper.

Craig Stevenson – Craiggers gets another pitcher of beer, because after all… how often do you drink with an American? Cheers to more adventures for the two of us!

Charles Mousseau – To Charles I give a big box of Saltine crackers and a wish for more articles like the Braiterman one and less like everything else.

The Type I Community – You guys get continued support and more articles posted. Send in good ones, and encourage the good folks to write.

Me – I always give myself a gift on Christmas… I think it’s important as a reward for the year that has been. In this case, I’ll give myself two gifts that I hope will benefit everyone else as well. 1) I’d give myself more time to write. The editing gig is cool and all, but my true love remains coming up with my own words for the page. 2) More entertaining writers here at SCG. Writers with personality. I can edit proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling into someone’s article, but I can’t add flair, style, or funk. The reason I want these things is because it makes articles more fun for me to edit, too.

Alright, enough with the gifts, now it’s time for dessert.

Kanoot’s Freebie List

Since it’s Christmas, I figured it was also time to bring back some cheesecake to all the fans who have been clamoring for it.

I’ll confess, the first time I ever heard of”The Freebie” list was from a Friends episode that aired eight years ago. Since then, my wife and I have pondered the phenomenon and traditionally discuss our lists around the time of our anniversary each year. We don’t have an open marriage or anything, but if Johnny Depp came up to her at a club and wanted to bump and grind with her off the dance floor, how could I possibly stand in her way? For those who don’t believe me, she even has her own list, so I’m free to discuss my list with ya’ll right here, right now.

Anyway, it’s been a strange year, so I never got around to updating my list for 2003, but I’m remedying that by doing next year’s list early or something. My criteria for making the freebie list is rather extensive and not all of it is completely explainable. For the most part they must be physically attractive, and the ladies must seem smart (obviously I haven’t hung out with any of these folks, so I have no proof that they are smart, but if you’ve ever seen Denise Richards give an interview,”smart” is one impression you will not get). Aside from that, my fickle ways are known only to me, though I will briefly explain why each lovely lady made the list.

1) Nicole Kidman

For starters, she’s a redhead, and even though that means you will invariably get screwed over (Knutson’s Rule Of Dating Number Nine: Redheads will invariably screw you over, so enjoy it while you can, but be prepared for heartbreak.), it also makes her practically irresistible. She’s also Australian, bringing irresistible factor number two into play: hot accents. It doesn’t get much hotter than women from Oz. Tom Cruise, you are a fool!

Moving beyond the fact that she has a wonderful body, is incredibly beautiful, has a great sense of style, and has not one, but two irresistible factors, she’s also the best actress of her time. Hands down. There’s nobody even close in her age group. No, I will not argue this either. And she’s smart. Lessee, drop-dead gorgeous, blindingly talented, smart, red hair, and the accent. Swoon, how could the first slot go to anyone else?

2) Jennifer Garner

Oh, I’ve heard all the detractors on this one. She’s not curvy enough. She’s too tall, her breasts aren’t big enough, her jaw is kind of masculine. Hey, it’s my list, I make the rules here, and Jennifer Garner is very nearly the nut high. Besides, the Sports Guy agrees with me, and he’s seen her in person. The defense rests. In case you need further evidence though, check this out. Yowza!

3) Kristin Kreuk

Yes, I feel cheesy for placing an actress from Smallville this high on my list, but she’s still the best reason to watch the show, and that’s after they took the writers off stoopid pills this season. She’s also the first actress on the list to fit”my type,” which tends to lean more towards short, dark, and curvy. Now would it kill the directors on Smallville to find some more excuses to get her in lingerie or bathing suits? Talk about your under-exploited resources!

4) Audrey Tautou

She’s a French national treasure, but just looking at her doesn’t convey why. This woman is a delight to watch in everything she does, bringing personality and beauty to the screen that can’t be explained, but must be experienced. She’s got huge brown eyes, slender curves, and a wealth of talent.

Her breakout roll for most people will always be Amelie, but I’ve seen most of her other recent works and she’s nearly as mesmerizing in those movies as well. Audrey is the best possible reason to learn French (though Laetitia Casta and Sophie Marceau aren’t too far behind).

5) Angelina Jolie

Best body in Hollywood. Period. Exclamation point. I admit that I’m completely confused by Angelina, because if I did actually hook up with her, I could never be sure exactly what would happen. Maybe that’s part of the attraction. She obviously seems to have had a weird childhood, and most of that has spilled over into her adult life, but regardless of how things turned out, it would be a hell of an adventure (better than either Tomb Raider movie, that’s for damn sure).

6) Salma Hayek

I saw Desperado again about three weeks ago and I was reminded how ridiculous Salma looks. Her introduction in that movie (where a car accident occurs because the drivers are too busy watching her cross the street to pay attention to traffic), still seems appropriate because every time I look at her I bite my fist and think”Dayam.Honest. I’m doing it right now. She’s not the most amazing actress, but she’s very good in the right rolls, and she’s maintained the accent quite well. Meow!

7) Kirsten Dunst

Is she a girl or a woman? Sometimes it’s hard to tell, but at this point I don’t think it matters anymore. Like, I could go on for hours about how she’s gorgeous, vulnerable yet tough, blah blah, but all you really want are the pictures anyway, so why not give you those?

8) Catherine Zeta-Jones

Remember when you saw her in Zorro and were like,”Sweet jeebus, who’s the hottie?” Then you found out she wasn’t Spanish, she was Welsh? Then you also watched her get married to Michael Douglas? Well forget the last part, and just appreciate the woman who remains one of the most beautiful and challenging actresses in Hollywood.

9) Julia Roberts

Julia almost slipped off the list because she hasn’t done anything recently, but since I’ve seen Ocean’s Eleven about a thousand times (I seem to catch it every time HBO airs it after 1AM), and since she remains a long-time crush, it was hard to forget about her. She’s not physically perfect, but I honestly think she’s more attractive because of the minor flaws that she has. Plus, she married Lyle Lovett, so I’d at least have a shot, right? Right?

10) Keira Knightly

She’s like Natalie Portman’s clone (yes, she was Natalie Portman’s clone too), except taller, and British, and only eighteen, and probably a better actress. She’s another skinny one, but I think it’s the eyes and the pouty lips that get me.

Guilty Pleasure

This one breaks all the rules, and my wife will hate me for it, but spot number eleven on the list is reserved for Jennifer Love Hewitt and”the girls.” No, she’s not the brightest of girls, but I’m driven by a deeper force here, and considering that all the other ladies on the list are smart and attractive, I’m play my”Choose One Bimbo Free” card here. You know what I always say… If it’s good enough for Carson Daly, it’s good enough for me! Okay, not really. That’s actually a horrible idea, but it seemed funny at the time.

The Kitchen Sink

Special thanks to Shane Stoots for pointing out the new Sports Guy ramblings column this week. I’ll consider this an early Christmas gift. Now if only he’d write them more than once a quarter.

Alright, how many of you would think about switching teams for one of the guys from Queer Eye? First they let homosexuals on television, then they let them into people’s homes to give men makeovers. What’s next, letting them get married? Soon the whole nation will be gay, and where will we be then?

My guess is that we’ll dress a bit better and our houses will be decorated a lot nicer, but that’s just my opinion… I could be wrong.

The non-female celebrity I am most interested in hanging out with remains Max Kellerman. Anybody who can get me an evening hanging with Max gets at least a set of Onslaught fetchlands. The guy on the list right after Max remains The Sports Guy. Damn you Kimmel! Damn you to hell!

And Twiiiiins!

Shockingly, this is not the wax representation of Jamie Pressly from Madame Toussaud’s, it’s actually Jaime herself.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer Bridget Jones Zellwegger over Anorexic Zellwegger fo’ sheezy.

For Pete’s sake, can we finally have a College Football playoff now? Like watching the Sooners utterly collapse to Kansas State wasn’t enough, I still have to listen to people complain about the National Championship game for another week. The only way to solve the BS of the B-C-S is to put a playoff system in, so let’s do it already.

If I haven’t mentioned it already, I love Mirrodin draft.

Alright, time to wrap things up. I spent approximately infinite time on the photos for the cheesecake section, so let’s hope they load this time.

Happy holidays everybody!

Ted Knutson

The Holy Kanoot

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