One of the really cool parts about this job is that I get to experiment with clever
ideas, and “Da Bidness” Pete Hoefling has to pay for them. I’m like the date that goes and orders the most expensive bottle of wine on
the menu, a foie gras and caviar appetizer, the surf and turf, and the gold-leaf chocolate for dessert, knowing that PDiddy has the check at the end.
Thankfully, the ideas I’m flirting with are fantastic in bed, so Pete’s in for… This is getting a bit awkward.
So  yeah, good ideas… This one has me as excited as anything else I’ve done
in Magic.
This week I want to re-introduce the world to Jeff Cunningham
Untold Legends
of the Million Dollar Pro Tour…
(which will be henceforth shortened to ‘Untold Legends’). For those of you who have never
read these amazing articles, you can find the originals in our archives
here,
here,
and
here.
The first tome of tales was told by Ffej himself, the second by Hall of Famer Ben Rubin,
and the third by the infamous PTR. For reference, the first article in the series was what former head of Magic R&D Randy Buehler deemed one of
the greatest articles he had ever read.
As most of you know, I love Magic history and I love great stories. Reviving this series
from its slumber is an excuse to get current and former Magic greats to tell their favorite Magic stories. Stories that most of you have likely never
heard. Magic has been around for seventeen years now, and despite the fact that there’s a ton of writing done about Magic every day, it feels a
little bit like we’re losing the history. There has also been a substantial influx of new players in recent years, so what better time to revive
the old tales than now? Here’s the email I sent out to a bunch of potential writers trying to drum up interest.
“One of my favorite things about Magic is the stories it generates. For some reason,
traveling around the world with a bunch of friends and playing the game seems to spawn more epic and amusing adventures than almost any other vein
of writing. Unfortunately, as Magic writing has turned more commercial in recent years, this is one of those things that we old fogeys have begun
lamenting as missing. Some of the fun and stories from yesteryear have disappeared, and most of the kids these days just don’t seem to tell
them as well — probably because they haven’t had great examples in front of them.
I’d like to change that.
What I’d like to do is commission an article from each of you, reliving some of your
favorite stories and tales from years past. They don’t actually have to be about you, but they can be — career retrospectives and
highlights are fine. These can also be about tournaments, testing, friends, enemies, or just the times — they simply need to be loosely connected
to Magic by the people or places you are discussing. This is in the same vein as Jeff Cunningham Untold Legends of the Pro Tour (I will reuse
the name if Jeff gives me permission) in that it’s an excuse to get people to tell great stories.”
This week we’ll feature one article each day from some of Magic’s greats.
After this week, we’ll run one every Monday until we run out of content. I know a bunch of the names we have lined up, but I don’t even know
everybody yet. That’s part of the fun. Even after we run out of content for this initial phase, the series itself will stay open. Whenever we get a
new Untold Legend, we’ll post it to the site on Monday. As part of the game’s history, we’re making a commitment and saying they’ll always be
on Select at initial publication for everyone to read.
If you are or know a current/former Magic luminary (Pro Tour players, writers, coverage
reporters, R&D members) who might be interested, drop an email to
[email protected]
for more
details. Even if these people don’t normally write for our site, we’d love to add them to this project.
Since Ffej started this series, it seemed to make sense to kick off the revival with his
archenemy, Mark Herberholz. Tomorrow, we’ll get in the wayback machine and start over at the very beginning. The rest of the week… well,
you’ll just have to wait for that.
The Kitchen Sink
While I have your attention, I figure I might as well use it. Back when I was young and
free, I used to travel to every Pro Tour and nearly half of the Grand Prix doing coverage. It was a busy, harrowing time, but I managed to document some
of my own adventures along the way.
One of the ways I originally recruited Kenji and Masashi to write some stuff for
StarCityGames.com (before anybody was publishing anything at all from Japanese players in English, but while they were crushing the Magic world beneath
their exceptionally fashionable shoes) was by taking them out to
karaoke and getting them incredibly drunk. Thankfully I had a digital camera along to
capture
the evidence.
This was back when karaoke was new and cool to Americans, and not just something you did four times a week with the gang
in Seattle. These days I’m pretty sure Lee Sharpe and Zac Hill have more performance videos on YouTube than Lady Gaga.
Speaking of Seattle, the last Pro Tour I attended there in 2004 (the one where Von Dutch
won and then threw a huge victory dinner) featured this exchange:
I go to sit down and Kibler tells me, “Dude, that’s awful. You just missed all the
gay porn
stories!”
“I what? That’s horrible. Okay, you have to tell at least one of them again.
As part of the travel diaries I made during my first trip to Australia and Japan
(obviously only taken because of Magic), I ran pictures of my
adventures. Like meeting adorable
Australian lifeguards.
And
tooling
around Tokyo. And… of
toilets.
You get the highs with the lows, people!
The point is just that there are so many stories from past and present that make for
great reading. Magic is just special that way. If you travel on the Pro Tour, you invariably end up with a lifetime of stories you never would have
gotten any other way. Before I return you to your regularly scheduled programming, I still feel the need to thank Hunter S. Thompson one last time
for saving myself and Jimmy Bean Ferraiolo from a
trip to the Fulton County pokey
at Dragon Con. That was an adventure I’ll never forget.
Finally, because you’ve been such a patient audience and because I don’t know when
I’ll find the time to write a regular old article, I give you the return of the quotes section. Further proof that my friends (mostly Magic players)
are really f***ing funny.
Peace out.
–CardGame
Quotable Quotes
[blisterr] I’ve spent ages trying to find someone in the HR system here called
Uangthip Rattanaprasert
[blisterr] I found them in the end
[blisterr] their name in the HR system was ‘Emma Smith’
[flameWRK] we have the big trophy that the winner gets to keep for a year, we get
WotC trophy that they get to keep forever, and we also order cheapo trophies for 1st to 3rd place
[+Wiz_de] so 1st place gets WotC trophy + another one?
[flameWRK] yep
[flameWRK] that’s the way we roll
[+Wiz_de] do you engrave the winner’s name in the wandering trophy?
[flameWRK] yes
[mixedknut] do you also sterilize it when it comes back?
[flameWRK] of course not
[flameWRK] new champions should be honored to touch the cup that Jelly Walamies did
unspeakable things with
StarWarsKid
: wow
  I just saw a screen shot of Nigeria playing Germany in soccer
  it did NOT look right
Knutson
: Whites? Blacks?
StarWarsKid
: no
  I’ll give you this much
  Nigeria was the home team
StarWarsKid
: the country abbreviations don’t look right together
Knutson
: oh well played
Starwarskid
ugh, every game Maynor had starter’s minutes for he was f***ing insane
    he started two games and went 13/11 and 24/4
    with like no turnovers
Knutson
have you told Eric of your love? Have you told your parents?
Starwarskid
my parents yes
    Eric no
    I’m waiting for the right moment
Knutson
  try to avoid a restraining order
    wait, is that why your mom came down?
Starwarskid
 no
    but
    I wouldn’t mind being Mrs. Maynor
    I can take hormones
    he can keep me in the style with which I’ve become accustomed to
mixedknut
samms, you won’t need to worry about LiLo drunk dialing you for 90 days
Anusien
     was that a concern?
psamms
     concern? best part of my existence
Anusien
     Did it actually happen?
psamms
     the fact that you have to ask
psamms
     is flattering
Anusien
     It’s easy to hit the wrong numbers on a phone
Patrick Sullivan
: Positive EV as a column name should earn the electric chair.
JkboxHero
Someone accepted my friend request, I’m so popular
jsex
  wait, do you literally live in Farmville?
JkboxHero
Yeah
JkboxHero
That isn’t a joke
jsex
  I thought it was a joke
jsex
  but your wife lists it as well
Jon Becker
: Plummet should be an instant – tribal (spider)
Brad Rutherford
: Magic needs more Tribal Spider spells
Jon Becker
: I agree. The last minute elimination of the spider tribe was one of the greatest
travesties in Magic history. And the spiders and I know the persons responsible…
[Seeker] “3 more for RGD 4-3-2-2.” = “I am bad at Magic. I play
MODO like it was Final Fantasy Online. This is my version of trying to find a party to go and defeat Bahamut. Anyone want to buy some gil?”
Knutson
alright, what am I supposed to put for these job responsibilities?
Pete
just put whatever you think they are/should be and I will edit on my end
Knutson
1) herd cats
   2) suggest lolcat themes
   3) take adorable pictures of said cats and make readers want to pay
for pictures
Pete
profit
Knutson
it’s JUST… that easy
[Seeker] !define Elspeth vs. Tezzeret
[Datatog] Duel Decks: Elspeth vs. Tezzeret: (DDF) Box set featuring two decks:
Elspeth (probably white) and Tezzeret (probably blue). Symbol: rotationally symmetric angular thing. MSRP 19.99 USD. Release September 3, 2010.
[jsex] Duel Deck: llarack vs. prolepsis (DDF) Box set featuring two decks: llarack
(probably asian) and prolepsis (probably asian).
[knutaway] that sounds cool
[knutaway] until you realize that they are asians who don’t know martial arts
[knutaway] some duel…
[Seeker] jsex: wouldn’t it be DDR because they’re asian
[knutaway] oh sh*t, then it would be ON
[kaib] I didn’t even lucksack anyone
[kaib] only Felix Schneiders punted big time haha
[kaib] he had a big history of having illegal decks vs me
[kaib] so I sold him some jap sleeves, same ones I sold to his QF opponent, who was
my roommate
[kaib] semis we played
[kaib] and he let a judge check his sideboard
[kaib] cause he was so afraid to f*** up
[kaib] then gave me his deck, I piled it
[kaib] 61 cards, had one of the circ logics of his QF opponent
[kaib] oops!
[AntonJ] decklists are difficult 🙂
[AntonJ] although I guess this was just the deck
[mixedknut] Kai is SUCH a bastard
[kaib] he was on the nats team anyway!
[kaib] was a funny worlds for Felix though
[kaib] he had like 6 losses total I think
[kaib] somewhere top 64
[kaib] 3 of them
[kaib] same jap!
AntonJ
Giacomo
AntonJ
REALLY LIKE YOUR DRFTING WITH…PLZ CONTINUE THIS WAY :):)
AntonJ
you know you are doing good work
AntonJ
when Italians that use capslock like your stuff
M_Tabak
I was asked to take the Great Designer Search 2 multiple choice quiz. Response: “Is there
a score I could get such that I lose my job? What’s the upside for me here?”
Lauren Lee
what site does he write for?
Knutson
us
Lauren Lee
oh. awk.
StarWarsKid
 I have a lot of respect for the city of Pittsburgh’s dedication to the old Aztec
ways in which they sacrifice a baseball team every season so that they might have a bountiful harvest on the gridiron and ice.
“I think WotC is a bunch of Spider racists.” –Jamie Wakefield
Tim Aten
to Jesse Sigler
Man, my cable went out at the 2-minute warning. How did it end up? Did the Vikings win?
Jesse Sigler
Favre hopped on his unicorn, flew to your house, and raped your mother.
Tom Reeve
like, there have been formats where if the stars align and you spend your one wish on a
draft rather than a night with Scarlett Johanson, you can just about pull it off (Referring to Dampen Thoughts and draft archetypes like it)
rhoaen
 CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY ENTERED THE RAFFLE
 Name of Raffle: Ron Artest’s Win My Bling Raffle
Mark Herberholz
first night of wearing my Where’s Waldo costume out and I snuck into the corner of
approx. 5 people’s pictures.
Cedric
I think at worlds
I’m gonna take the poison challenge
poison in all three formats
MJSperling
pretty sure Herberholz has already completed the poison challenge at a PT, but it was
stomach, liver, blood stream