PTQ Barcelona: Why Wasn’t There A Nightscape Snidd?

Rizzo manages to ferret our pictures of mysterious columnists Theron Martin and Shawn Jackson… Oh, and he top eights. And stuff.

An open letter to Josh Bennett and Anthony Alongi,

I much enjoyed your recent articles that utilized haiku. However, um, dudes, they didn’t even friggin’ rhyme! What’s up with that truly shoddy journalism?


Johnny Masta Rappa

Chickitty Chas Tressler partied all night and drove about fifty miles to Robinson Town Center to meet me at six a.m. to hop a ride to Columbus. He got there at about five while I wheeled on up at 5:58. He must seriously love Magic. As far as I know, Chas is the only person that can claim to have made four consecutive Top Eights at Prereleases. And that’s worth some kind of love in and of itself. Probably.

The ride down resulted in no speeding tickets and we pulled in at around 8:45. That’s a three and a half hour drive in less than three hours. Conclusion: there is never a cop when you need one.

Esta en su casa:

CMU biatches: Mikey-Mike Patnik, Dandy Andy”Um, the power went out” Johnson would show up about the time that the tourney was starting, blaming his tardiness (and lack of CMUers in tow) on a power outage.

Random Ohio cell-dwellers: Beho, Walter Huber, Antonio Powell (minus his”enforcers,” who were likely out collecting on bad debts), Dan”Former President Gerald” Ford, Mike V to the I to the double La, Mike”For a hot date call 1-900-4STASIS” Burton.

Net writers and stuff: Shawn”The Discriminator,””Baskil,””The most hated man on The Net,”” I have more nicknames than Apollo Creed” Jackson, Matt Bell from CCGPrime, and Mindripper’s Theron”Master T” Martin. David”The Friggin’ Earl of” Bruce was unable to attend because he is a wuss. Or something.

And some (so I’ve heard) decent players like Jason Means, Mark Globus, Scott McMullen, Prakash Madhav, Randy Wright, and Infamous InAmos Claiborne.

Players that beat the Universal Net Deck in actual tournament play: Charles”Main deck CoP’s rule” Ball, and Chad Hardy.

Mikemaster Mike Turian and Eugene, Eugene”Eumade eumachine” Harvey were not in attendance, because a few guys were unaware that a big ol’ storm was-a-comin’ and would likely knock out all power in the entire Commonwealth of Pennsylvania and thus, in order to be prudent, did NOT stick a few batteries in their alarm clocks. Blame someone; how about Andy J?

Chas and I bring out the Fives and this annoying dude begins to watch over my shoulder. I jump up and say,”Who do you think you are, Shawn Jackson, the most hated man on The Net?”

“Why, yes, I am Shawn Jackson, the most hated man on The Net, you bastard.”

The Five Multiplayer Invitational:

Me”Big fun Five unlike all the competitive fivers out there” Me, Chas”I have TWO Fives and I’ll build even more” Tressler, Shawn”Salman Rushdie has it easy” Jackson, and Mike”The Official Guildmage of Borrowed Fives” Patnik

I hardly remember any of this, but I’ll make stuff up or use stuff that I think might’ve happened, ever, and go from there.

Game 1: I get out Erhnam Djinn and Portal Air Elemental, while Chas and Mike play weenies and begin to hatch a plot to undermine my casual authority. Shawn lays land (sort of) and some really weird dudes that I either never heard of or long since forgot what they did. He also claims that his Five is the worst Five in existence. While I wouldn’t say that, I certainly won’t dispute it, for he is”Baskil in way too many places.” Oddly though, he chose to not be Baskil in Columbus; I now claim that he is”Baskil in not enough places” and let all of you decide his fate.

I find a Scroll Rack, Chas lays River Boas, Mike Avalanche Riders (but is way too wise to dare send Darwin at me!), and Shawn just sits there wondering if he can place this game in the Bottom Ten.

Johnny Stick takes home the cake in this one by Scroll Racking his way into the history books.

Rizzo: one win.

Game 2: Chas Duresses me, taking a Fireball, then lays a Negator. He then blows up my Volcanic Island that I drew and lays another Negator. I finally find another red source and Fireball his Negator for five, which leaves him with a precious two permanents in play. Patnik gets out Fires. Shawn lays dork upon dork upon dork upon dork and then a Fires, which he sacs to give my Merfolk Looter that was blocking Chas’s Negator +2/+2. Exit Chas. Patnik gets out a friggin’ Rebel and Fires. Patnik fetches three Rebels at his end of turn. Patnik fetches three more Rebels during his main phase. Patnik fetches a Skyshroud Poacher, who begets a Deranged Hermit, who kills everyone. Fires + searchers = technology.

Patnik: one win.

Unfortunately, it’s time to start the”real” tourney — and just when Shawn was almost ready to cast a real spell. Boo. Ya.

I register stuff. Stuff registers me. I get a deck. It gets me.

Here’s the pile o’ averageness I played:

Nightscape Sligh.dekhockey

Nightscape Apprentice

Nightscape Familiar

Nightscape Battlemage

Morgue Toad


Bog Down

Tidal Visionary

Stormscape Familiar

Sea Snidd

Hunting Drake

Vodalian Serpent



Rushing River

Caldera Kavu

Ancient Kavu

Halam Djinn



Cinder Shade

Marsh Crocodile

Razing Snidd

Plague Spores

6x Swamp

5x Island

4x Mountain

Crosis’s Catacombs

Urborg Volcano

Only cards ever sided in:

Urborg Shambler (once)

Overload (once)

Total number of bombs: zero

Total number of playable thingies: a lot

Walter Huber:”How’s your deck?”

Me:”It’s oh so very average.”

Andy J:”How’s your deck?”

Me:”It’s oh so very average.”

Chickitty Chas:”How’s your deck?”

Me””It’s oh so very average.”

Shawn:”How’s your deck?”

Me:”It’s oh so very average.”

Warning: the following match descriptions are heavily embellished with the goal of making me look like a god while simultaneously belittling my opponents.

One last thing before we start: Aaron Forsythe. Andrew Cuneo. Ron Kotwica. Dan Silberman. Nate Heiss.

Good. I got the "You must drop as many CMU names as possible" requirement out of the way. Oh, and Randy Buehler for old times sake. And Gary Wise, Jamie Wakefield, The Ferrett, CCGPrime, Diet Coke, Preconstructed Decks, Tony Boydell, Starcitygames.com, and The Magna Carta. Okay, that concludes the props. Maybe.

Round 1: David Harris

Game 1: I figure out that Sea Snidd isn’t as ass as it should be after David blows up my lone Mountain by kicking a Nightscape Battlemage (the fact that he did this has relevance all up in the rest of the tourney). Regardless, I rape David’s hand with Bog Down, Probe, and Marsh Crocodile. THEN I start to recycle a Battlemage that sends his guys back to his hand with the aid of a Tidal Visionary. After about forty minutes of a creature stalemate (even with me bouncing his dudes on a regular basis), David concedes at seven in order to try to get game two to go his way.

Game 2: I come out blazing with turn one, two, three, four, and five

creatures, while David is slightly mana screwed. He begins to solidify his mana situation, but he can’t find many cards worth casting. I throw some discard his way and am amazed that this guy has a handful of all the wrong color land, Recover, and Diabolic Intent.

After he is down to eleven, he finds a dude to put in my way: Urborg Phantom. He sacs it for the Intent and goes a-searchin’ for an answer. He finds Repulse, but it doesn’t help much. He scoops at two during the extra turns while staring at a Razing Snidd and at least four weenies.

(I’m not sure what the hell David was planning, but I was going to keep my eye on that sneaky bastard!)

Match 1-0

Games 2-0

I think my deck is still oh so very average.

But I’ll take the 17.79 points.

Round 2: Phillip King

Game 1: Phillip has a Sligh deck. He casts dudes on turns two through seven, and I am slightly colorhosed, needing an Island in the worst way. When I’m at two, I finally draw one and notice that Rushing River won’t do much against six creatures.

Game 2: An uneventful game became eventful around turn seven when I start to go off with Nightscape Apprentice and Battlemage. I bounce everything, Rushing River a few dudes, kill some, and generally get way too evil, and Phillip scoops at fifteen while wallowing in a little color screw himself.

Game 3: Phillip is kind of mana screwed, but I get out three dudes with the quickness. Crucial play: He sacs a saccie land to cast Nightscape Familiar. I had been holding a Zap for when my hand had emptied, but almost fell over at my good fortune. Phillip: One land. Me: Five lands, three dudes. The math, if you wish to do it, is not pretty.

Match 2-0

Games 4-1

(Phillip’s fingers are clasped because it’s my turn to do the”This is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors and meet all the people” gank move. But he did get his turn.)

I think my deck is still oh so very average.

But I’ll take the 15.22 points.

Round 3: Theron Martin, Feature Match

Ah, Mr. Martin! No more dodging me, slick! The last PTQ saw Theron go 0-2 drop, get out of Dodge in a hurry before I got to introduce myself, but there will be none of that today, for we are front and center, chief, and it’s go time!

After a few minutes of gettin’ to know you, Massa T tells me he is 0-4-1 in Feature Matches. How badly do I want to make it 0-5-1? Well, a little. T is, after all, the reigning Indiana State Champion, and would be one hell of a notch in my belt if I could somehow bring home the W.

Game 1: It’s all Master T here, as I get color screwed a tad and he jumps all over me with quick green guys who beget quick red guys who beget shuffling up for game two.

Game 2: A turn two Nightscape Familiar, turn three Stormscape Familiar allows me to pull off the Hunting Drake/Razing Snidd/Nightscape Battlemage combo a full turn earlier and pop his guys back to his hand as soon as he casts them. I’m able to sneak in five points at a clip and Master T is unable to find an answer as he is busy redrawing a green guy every other turn thanks to my bouncing Drake.

Game 3: Oh my. I get the combo up and running on turn five again, and by turn seven I have all three Nightscapes in play with enough mana to put the Battlemage on my library end of turn and next turn make his guys go away while serving for seven at a clip. A perfectly timed Rushing River seals his fate. In all fairness, T was stuck on four lands the entire game. In other fairness, I did have a Strafe, Plague Spores, Zap, and Exclude in my hand at the end of the game.

Shawn sits down and we begin to talk a little IBC tech with Theron. Here’s something that I hadn’t really thought of but realize it makes so much sense:

Theron has this idea that many people will think that many of the gaters are beatdown creatures, and will treat them as such by trying to get them out as soon as possible and turn them sideways. However, what Theron thinks — and Shawn and I agree with — is that they are high-tech strategy creatures that will serve to help out the player who understands that beating down can come after the gating strategy has been fully utilized to set up a retarded as hell board. Or something. But the point was to use the gaters as a part of your strategy, not the entire strategy itself. I think. Again.

(I’m doing the thumbs up for posting the first known photo of Theron!

Hello, Pulitzer! On a lighter note, that’s Mike Patnik on the extreme right smiling because he thinks that since he is in the soon-to-be-famous photo that he’ll get some residuals or something.)

Match 3-0

Games 6-2

I am beginning to think my deck is oh so very a little above average.

And I’ll take the 20.10 points.

Round 4: Scott McMullen

Game 1: Scott mulligans to five and doesn’t seem to care. However, he does recover by laying a Swamp, Mountain, and Plains as his first three lands. I start the Nightscape Sligh beats, which are met with little resistance. Eventually, Scott hits four mana and gets out a Volcano Imp and Power Armor. I can’t have that, so I Rushing River those bad boys and serve him down to nine. He scoops and begins to whistle a happy tune. Dude, aren’t you supposed to be pissed when you get mana screwed?

Game 2: Whistling Scott lays a couple of lands while I get all Nightscapey again and beat with the Familiar. His Tower Drake meets my Exclude and I follow up with a Sea Snidd. When I hit him to ten he scoops, still whistling. Dude, how can you be so pleasant when you got so screwed in both games?

(That smirk on my face is because Scott is still cheery even after getting royally screwed in both games. Look! There’s a chick in the background! To save this photo, right click and select”Save picture as.” You’re on your own as to how to make it your wallpaper.)

Match 4-0

Games 8-2

I realize that I have culled no information as to my decks averageness. And I’ll take the 24.35 points.

Walter, who’s now 3-1, challenges me to a sealed deathmatch. Naturally, I accept, fully expecting to be beaten into oblivion with his God-deck-that-he-thinks-is-kind-of-lame-even-though-he-has-ten-removal-spells-and-a-friggin’-Dragon pile. Yeah, I get trounced. When we’re finished, Walter spies a Mountain on the floor and asks if it came from my deck. A quick count of my cards finds thirty-nine needing forty, so I shove that Rui Montanhas into my deck and head into round five with all my cards. Neato.

Round 5: Scott Coleman

In pile shuffling, I discover that I end up with one uneven pile. A quick count of my cards finds forty-one needing forty, so I set that questionable Rui Montanhas aside and begin to fervently scratch my melon. While scratching said melon, Mr. Deck Check comes by, claws my deck o’ confusion and makes off with the quickness. It’s time to actually sweat the deck check — for the first time ever no less, and while being 4-0. How badly do I want to get a game loss for a retarded”Do I belong in your deck or not” Rui Montanhas?

I tell Andy J that I’m a little nervous and he asks if I was cheating. I respond with,”Of course I was cheating, dammit. Who doesn’t?” Beth Liston is sitting beside me enjoying her match with Prakash and I think she might’ve believed me. Bonus. For I am nothing if not a savage cheater.

For some reason the deck comes back clean and there is joy in Mudville, for the Mighty Casey has smacked one over the fence or something. And Walter’s missing Montanhas is now sitting to the side staring at me lovingly. Walter’s Lucky Montanhas: Don’t leave home without it, yet don’t put it in your friggin’ deck.

Game 1: Scott gets out some little dudes, but I kill every one by drawing the exact removal that I need. I’d like to elaborate, Okay I will. Scott was also partially mana screwed. Elaboration: complete.

Game 2: I drop weenies turns one, two, and three, and then I decide that I should make Scott discard just about every card in his hand with a kickered Bog Down and Probe on successive turns. Still, he slowly recovers by waxing a few of my dudes and playing out a couple of speedbumps. I sneak in a point or three here and there, and then the Crucial Play happens:

“Crucial” play: Scott is at one, with three dudes on board and no cards in hand. I am about to enter my attack phase with four active dudes. I look at the board for about five minutes. For about five minutes. For. About. Five. Minutes.







“I was wondering if you were going to see that!”

-Scott, Chas, and just about everyone else that was watching.

Talk about doing the math.

(Either no picture was taken, or it was somehow lost. What the @#$% %^&*%!!!!!!! My bad. To make it up to Scott, I’ll do this: Scott Coleman rules! Scott Coleman rules! Scott Coleman rules! I feel a little better now. And while I’m at it, I’ll just stick in a pic of me and Shawn”insert nicknames here” Jackson for no reason.)

(Shawn does not, contrary to popular belief, twiddle his mustache and hatch evil plans to ruins aspiring writer’s careers. He Twiddles his beard.)

Match 5-0

Games 10-2

I realize my deck is awesome and loves me and it must be fate that I will trounce all comers in the teeth, twice. And I’ll take the 15.86 points.

Chas: Dude, you have to draw.

Andy J: Don’t draw, smash face!

Round 6: Beth Liston, Charm School Member, Feature Match

I get to the table and Beth says,”Sorry, I can’t draw, I need to play.” She said that to ME. To. Me. By the way, in a whole buncha tournaments, this is the first time I’ve ever played a women.

<Michelle Bush slowly scrolls down the page, not quite knowing what to expect, but offers a”You better be careful, Rizzo, you bastard!”>

Game 1: Turn three Bog Down, turn four Marsh Crocodile, turn five Probe with kicker. Beth lost five cards in three turns, one being a friggin’ Ghitu Fire, and the others being dudes, and still managed to wax me with a friggin’ Stormscape Apprentice who also has a SECOND ability. That little bastard got me down to five, so she sacced a saccie and Soul Burned me for just enough. I’m fairly bad at Magic. Tip: don’t kill an annoying little mini-drain Stormscape Apprentice when you get the chance. Save your removal for a REAL threat.

Game 2: Nightscape Sligh comes to play. For about fifteen turns Beth casts the same creatures over and over and over and over while I skip way too many draw phases to recast the Battlemage. Eventually, with about seven minutes left in the round, she scoops at ten.

Game 3: We both agree to come with the quickness, as neither of us want a draw in any shape or form. I want to win to go to 6-0 and she wants to win to make Top Eight.

Nightscape Apprentice does TEN damage to Beth until I can get the Hard Lock with all three Nightscapes and a flying Stormscape Familiar. It comes down to the extra turns with me saccing a Cinder Mage to get rid of her Annoying Stormscape Apprentice and needing to do ten in three attack phases.

First extra turn: I recur the Battlemage and send her only dude back to her hand. Attack for four, which gets through. She’s at six. I can’t bring the Nightscape Apprentice, as I will need it to send the Battlemage to my library so I can bounce her dude. Plus, I only have six mana so I can’t bounce it during my upkeep and cast it with kicker.

Second extra turn: She recasts her dude and is done.

Third extra turn: I Rushing River her dude and serve, but Beth kills one of my dudes, which only allows three to get through. She’s at three with me having four creatures with a total of five serving power. Maybe I should’ve brought the Apprentice. Alas.

Fourth extra turn: She needs to topdeck a burn spell or another weenie to throw in the way, or I’ll just all out attack and win. She peels a creature and casts two dudes. I can’t win unless I topdeck a way to get one of those dudes out of the way, and I can’t put the Battlemage on my library because I need it to be able to attack on the last turn. Fair.

Last turn: I top deck a Swamp and serve with everyone in a valiant effort to get her to make the Mother of All Mistakes and let enough through for me to win. She ends the game at one life and with a hard-fought draw.

The five extra turns took about twenty minutes or so, and the entire match was one of the hardest I have ever played. Ever. If I didn’t suck at Magic so much the match would’ve been over oh so long ago. Although Beth did make a mistake or two, at least she said she did, but I thought her play was pretty tight and her mistakes might’ve had an effect on the outcome as well.

(Could we look a little more uncomfortable? This picture takes me back to the days of first-date”lull in the conversation, but let’s try and act like it isn’t uncomfortable” moments.)

Match 5-0-1

Games 11-3

Andy J: You know, Nightscape Battlemage has ANOTHER ability too.

Shawn: Um, instead of bouncing her dudes, why didn’t you just Stone Rain her into oblivion?

Chas: Why didn’t you use the Nightscape to blow up all of her lands?

Me: A SECOND ability? Really… Lemme check this card… Damn! You

guys are right! Wow, this guy is even better than I thought!

My deck is so very very awesome and I am a so very very average player. But I’ll take the 3.22 points.

Chas: Dude, just draw.

Andy J: Smash face! Or just draw.

Round 7 Michael Yohman

Michael meanders over to the table and sees me setting up my equipment.”You were the only guy I didn’t want to have to PLAY.” I guess my reputation precedes and plays Finkel-Post with me.

Game 1: Turn three Bog Down makes Michael ditch a Magma Burst and Scorching Lava. A turn Five kicked Probe sees another Magma Burst and a Strafe hit the bricks. I feel a little better now, knowing that Michael has absolutely no removal left. Thus, I combo him out with the Nightscape Apprentice/Razing Snidd/Crocodile/Nightscape Battlemage Limited Hard Lock. He ends up with two lands and a VERY full graveyard.

Game 2: Disciple of Kangee and Alpha Kavu are annoying. For a very long time he turns stuff blue, blocks my Hunting Drake, and figures out how to survive. I go into the Razing Snidd/Crocodile gate combo which leaves Michael with two saclands and two Forests. Crucial Play: He sacs both the saccie ones and taps out to play Sulam Djinn. I keep killing his lands and making sure he loses a card per turn, but the combo takes a long time to make him scoop. It eventually does, as I finally draw additional dudes to ensure that the Crimson Acolyte and Yavimaya Barbarian he finds end up dead. Plague Spores also comes to the rescue.

“Are you ever going to stop playing good spells?”

-Michael, after reading Plague Spores, seeing the Hunting Drake/Snidd/Crocodile combo, and having my Harlem Djinn miraculously gain +2/+2 in the middle of combat (thanks to a Tidal Visionary), and killing every permanent he had.

My deck is just plain neato. And I’ll take the 22.16 points.

(Michael’s expression after I told him that Anthony Alongi is really a closet White Mage. What the picture doesn’t show is my reaction after Michael said,”Really? Um, who’s Anthony Alongi?”)

Match 6-0-1

Games 13-3

I manage to squeeze into the Top Eight as second seed. The booster draft will be Invasion/Invasion/Planeshift. Olwen Wee, who beat my FrigginGreen deck in Pittsburgh by savagely cheating his ass off (with Eladamri, Lord of Leaves and stuff out, Olwen moved three Spike tokens onto his Llanowar Elves and Forestwalked my head into a pulp because we were both too retarded to realize that that was illegal, but he wasn’t really cheating; I’m just being”funny Rizzo” in an effort to make this report really long), is to my right and prepared to feed me the goods. He tries to get all geometric by lining up the fourteen cards in some semblance of a fractal or microbe, but fails as he cannot successfully negotiate a parity balance in the thirty seconds we have to pass the cards. You just wait until it’s my turn to pass to you, chief.

My first pack reveals:

Plague Spores, Soul Burn, Angel of Mercy. Stuff. Taking the Spores or Burn leaves a very good card in B/R for my neighbor to take, which will put me on a tough road for R/B for the rest of the draft. If I take the Angel, even though it’s white, I’ll leave myself open to everything, while sending the R/B signal to my boys over yonder. I snatch up the Angel. Heck, I’m willing to try new things.

As I scoop up the fourteen comin’ my way, I see a Glimmering Angel. Now, this must be fate – is someone from above trying to send me a message? Or is it Olwen? I snatch it up with the quickness. Well, I am trying a new thing here.

As I scoop up the thirteen comin’ my way, I see a Glimmering Angel. Now, this HAS to be fate – three picks, three Angels. New thing: looking good.

Olwen places the cards in a ridiculous imitation hexagon or something, which also fails miserably.

Next pick: Faerie Squadron. Jeez. I round out the first pack with Opt, Vodalian Serpent, Ardent Soldier, some average stuff, and a thirteenth pick Crimson Acolyte. Keeping it new up in here.

I took the Acolyte because Olwen tried to make an arrow or some such, and I felt inclined to take what might’ve represented the tip of said arrow in order to mess up his little attempt at triangular humor. Showed him.

Pack two gives me Benalish Trapper to open and my next pick offers me a Reckless Spite or Reviving Vapors. Like a good neighbor, I catch tha’ Vapors (Bizmarkie LOVES Magic), although I did stare at the Spite for about twenty seconds. I could feel Chas and Patnik behind me Jedi-minding me to take the Spite, but I was afeared of the double black and figured that the Vapors would be as tech in Limited as it is in a tuned Constructed deck. Yeah.

A big decision comes when I am faced with Ruham Djinn, Stormscape Apprentice, and Charging Troll. For the longest time I consider dipping into green for the Trickitty Troll or taking the tapper — but I figure that the Djinn has more serious beat potential. Whatever. Again, I can feel the Jedi stuff from behind me. I end up with oh so much averageness, including, but not Limited to Tidal Visionary, Spirit Weaver, Dismantling Blow, and a Yavimaya Barbarian for fun.

New isn’t always better than cheddar.

I decided to show Olwen who’s the man by passing his cards in the

following geometric configurations:

Serpentine, Octagonal, Straight Line Ascending From The Center Of The Table, The Brick Wall Formation, Almost a Square If It Wasn’t For The Last Card That I Turned Sideways Out Of Spite, and the infamous Here’s A Bunch Of Cards, Try And Figure Out How Many Are Here, Chief, Seriously, Good Luck.

Needless to say, Olwen now knows who the man is in draft origami for fun and profit.

With Planeshift comes the crap. I get two quick Stormscape Familiars, snatch up a wow-does-this-card-suck March of Souls, Confound, Honorable Scout (lifegain is still ass), two Sleeping Potions that are supposed to suck but seemed pretty good anyway, and an eleventh-pick Meddling Mage followed by a twelfth pick Silver Drake that I never thought would get back to me.

Olwen seemed to be afraid, be very afraid, of messing with the feng shui of my mojo and stuff because he just passed like a gentleman vanquished on the field of battle.

Here’s the most uncharacteristic Rizzo draft deck you will ever see:

2x Glimmering Angel (wussy)

Angel of Mercy (seriously wussy)

Benalish Trapper (insanely wussy)

Ardent Soldier (never turn me sideways)

Dismantling Blow (whatever)

Spirit Weaver (lameness ensues)

Crimson Acolyte (oooh! I’ll protect my guys!)

Ruham Djinn (a.k.a. the”I’m always a friggin’ 4/4)

Honorable Scout (yes, I was on crack for a moment or twenty)

Faerie Squadron (one good manly card, sort of)

2x Stormscape Familiar (semi-manly, sort of)

Tidal Visionary (unfairly manly)

Vodalian Serpent (macho guy who cries during chick flicks)

Opt (tip: opt not to play this, ever)

2x Sleeping Potion (it wanted to suck but couldn’t)

Confound (and befuddled, bemused and otherwise confused)

Reviving Vapors (almost as good as Fact or Fiction, or not)

Meddling Mage (a Limited powerhouse, or not)

Silver Drake (new name:”Bullseye on my friggin’ head Drake”)

8x Island (macho lands)

8x Plains (Eminem’s favorite lands)

Terminal Moraine (if Harrow cost 16GGG, this would be better, barely)


Wow-do-I-suck March of Souls that I tore up after the match and just now realized was part of the deck.


John Kenny

Game 1: Early beats with the Stormscapes, Visionary, and Trapper

only make it look like I have a prayer, as John lays 3/3 after 3/3 and then casts Thicket Elemental with kicker, bringing out a discounted Stone Kavu. I am sort of pressed into casting wow-do-I-suck March of Souls, giving him five 1/1 flyers to my three. I guess that’s not so bad…

…Until J-stickmaker casts Savage Offensive with kicker…

…Rizzo’s team = dead. Kenny’s team = unscathed.

(Rizzo takes a gander at his sideboard hoping to find twenty-three black, red, and real blue cards with seventeen of the appropriate lands to side in. Finding none, he sighs and wonders exactly how much tea is in China and why do they put it in such little teacups?)

Game 2: Again, the early beats come with the weenies while J-beater sets up the fat patrol. For fun, he again casts a kickered Thicket which finds a lowly Quirion Elves. My guys are outnumbered 4-3, so like an idiot, I take the opportunity to cast wow-do-I-really-suck March of Souls. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Johnny K (ick ass) untaps and asks if he can cast Savage Offensive and kicks his little dog too.

Rizzo’s team = mortally wounded in battle. Kenny’s team = getting nice as hell on gin and juice.

Dear Rizzo,

We regret that we forgot to mention that this tournament is single

elimination… But only for you.



(While John loved it when I cast March of Souls, I highly recommend that you tear every March of Souls in half so you aren’t even tempted to use them. Really, you’ll thank me.)

Match 6-1-1

Games 13-5


White/Blue is cute, but so are babies. When’s the last time a friggin’

baby won anything? And I’ll give ya 11.9 points, too.

There were some more matches, but PES didn’t drive home ASAP and update their site before I sent this in on Sunday Night.

Dear PES (especially Mike”The Vince McMahon of Magic” Guptil),

Updating your site with the final results should be your number one

priority. Never mind running tourneys with the sweetness of Walter Payton, update the damn site so I can report the damn results that I was too tired to stay for, dammit!


Johnny Lazy Susan

Check out the results here anyway:


Johnny Blue-Eyes drove into Columbus sportin’ a 1603, but drove out comin’ correct with a 1708 or so. Not to mention that he played pretty well for the most part, although The Wakefield Die would’ve still gotten a workout. And he also realized that, yes it is true, the Battlemages have TWO kickers. Food for thought.

Other random lessons:

-Every point counts. Even the turn two swing with my Apprentice, daring you to block with your Apprentice; Beth Liston is the proof in the pudding. Credit to Scott Teamann, who first showed me the love during Extended when I would serve into a creature-light opponent but would keep the Llanowar Elves back. To quote Scott:

“What’s this guy doing, hanging out?”

And Scott did go 0-3 in his first draft at PT: LA, only to come back and win like a million matches in a row to finish 63rd. So maybe he does know a thing or two about a thing or two.

-Don’t force it when you are in a no-lose situation.

After round something, I was watching Mike Patnik play a dude. Yes, I know, a dude – how odd. Said dude was at five and Mike had a Glimmering Angel and Ancient Kavu on his side while said dude was sporting a Nightscape Familiar and Phyrexian Battleflies. Mike has an Exclude, Magma Burst, and another dude in hand with a total of five lands and said dude has about a million mana but only one card in hand. It’s Mike’s attack phase. Here’s my knee-jerk:

Sac two lands, Kick-Burst the two dudes and friggin’ send the boys for the win.

Problem: If said dude has any answer to the attack, Mike is screwed

since he now has only three paltry lands and an Exclude and a dude that he won’t be able to cast. And said dude can just regenerate his Familiar and could be back in business next turn, while Mike isn’t liking life as much as he was before the attack.

What Mike did:

He played it safe. He played it smart. He had said dude on a serious clock with a back up plan as well. He took two additional turns to kill said dude, but said dude did die. And Mike isn’t kicking himself in the ‘nads regretting Bursting because said dude kicked a Rushing River in response. So there.

-While it’s sometimes good to try new things, the time to do this is not during the final eight draft. Ever.

Props: Nightscape Battlemage for having such a cool kicker.

Slops: Nightscape Battlemage for having two kickers.

John Friggin’ Rizzo