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Mixed kNuts: Teddy Card Game Goes Premium

So today was the day – I was all set to go Premium with a stunning amount of data and make a big splash in our amazing writers pool. Then I broke the part of the site that makes Premium “Premium” and now all you freeloaders loyal readers get to read the hotness for free. Enjoy it while it lasts…

Eighteen Months. That’s how long I’ve been working as the Managing Editor in this crazy place. The first day after I was hired, Ferrett actually did not update the site for possibly the first time in his career, citing “Pro Tour Exhaustion.” The man was starting me off right, I tell you.


Like this man ever works...

Since then I’ve published every day (nearly) on schedule, despite blizzards, hail, rain, a whole bunch of sunny days, hangovers, trips to Japan, crippling jet lag, pulled muscles, soreness, crankiness, drives back and forth to Syracuse with a twenty-hour work day sandwiched in between, my period – you name it, I’ve lived it, but like the mailman, I continue to deliver.


Since I came on board, we’ve hired a whole slew of writers for your entertainment (Flores, Zvi, Paskins, Lebedowicz, Ellis, Nassif, Jonsson, Soh, Mauler, ad infinitum) and quietly weeded some out (crickets chirping), all in an attempt to make the site better. I tried a Week in Review type thing (a failure), added SCG Daily as a regular feature (a raging success), forced writers to stop starting so many damned sentences with “And” or “But”, and added approximately one million paren and bracketheticals to articles that did not exist before I got to them, just because I thought it was the cool thing to do. And I was on watch when Premium went live, when the forums erupted in fury at our careless decision, and when we quietly went about our job of making the site better than ever before.


Oh yeah, and as we all knew would eventually happen, I stopped writing. Back in the day – you know, like when I was actually good at this sh** – I used to picture myself as a Professor of the Street while writing. Like Henry Louis Gates, except white and with a clue. The Professor was smart man who used an urban vocabulary to convey concepts and attitude. I knew it all and I wasn’t afraid to tell people about it, nor to lambaste folks when they were wrong. Didn’t matter if you were a submissionist to the site (sorry Ben Snyder), a Featured Writer for us (sorry Nick Eisel), or a Pro Tour Top 8 competitor (sorry Rob Dougherty, Jordan “The Greatest Online Poker Player” Berkowitz, KK, etc), if I was sure you were wrong, I was letting you know about it in print.


Those days are no more.


I hate you, Yawg.

Why, you ask? Well, the street professor up and left, my peoples. That’s what happens when you not only start working for the man, but you become the man. As the man, I have to massage egos, make sure that people want to write for us, and in general not piss people off like I used to. At first it was hard for me, but these days I’m just a big cuddly teddy bear. I mean, sure, I still know it all – that’s my schtick. I just don’t say anything about it. No scathing forum comments from me, I’m all sweetness and light. No critical analysis of theory articles, no whining about shoddy playtest results, and no dissection of obviously misleading metagame information – that’s just not my style now. I’ve been de-fanged. Neutered. The checks from Wizards of the Coast and StarCityGames.com came with an appointment for a writer’s vasectomy before they could be cashed.


Hence no writing.


Thus I wanted to apologize to any remaining fans I have out there, since back in the day there used to be legions of you noisy bastards. And by Legions I mean ten to twelve instead of one or two. I know all the kids followed the cheesecake (I’m still waiting for my kickback on that one, Romeo), and all the adults followed Flores, Ellis, and Paskins (nice upgrades there), and David Rood just stopped reading anything altogether and started playing World of Warcraft. That leaves my mom, who was ecstatic about my travel diary, but who could give a flying leap about anything having to do with Magic. Thus I am museless and fanless, cast adrift in this wide world of gaming wonder.


What does that have to do with Magic?


Not a damned thing.


Welcome to Mixed kNuts.


Sneaky Peak

The Ferrett has been quietly working on another project behind the scenes to drastically improve the information we provide to the Magic world at large. For years we’ve known that our **** ********* was pretty crappy, but we never really had time to fix it. Now we do, and by “fix” I mean make it 100 times better and provide an awesome service to both community and Premium members alike. Now, I can’t actually tell you anything else about the project since it’s supposed to be this huge secret and Ferrett gets really grumpy when I spoil his fun, but I can say that if you had had our new **** ********* for Extended season, you would have known all of this as just the tip of the iceberg.


Big ups to me main man jeek, who showed me the potential of this sort of information and who provided all the info for last Extended season to BDM and myself.




















































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































2005 1.X Season Archetypes


Name


Number


Avg. Place


29-Jan


5-Feb


12-Feb


19-Feb


26-Feb


5-Mar


12-Mar


19-Mar


Red Deck Wins


100


4.72


5


12


18


26


15


12


5


7


Goblins


91


4.59


0


4


12


14


16


23


7


15


The Rock


71


4.16


1


7


10


10


10


17


3


13


Blue-white Desire


57


4.84


2


6


9


18


8


9


3


2


Blue-Green Madness


46


4.58


0


6


12


7


6


8


3


4


Psychatog


39


4.02


1


4


4


5


9


9


1


6


Aluren


37


4.78


0


1


9


10


6


8


1


2


Reanimator


37


4.97


0


5


4


11


8


5


1


3


Affinity


32


4.46


2


2


5


10


4


8


0


1


Scepter Chant


29


4.06


1


5


7


5


4


6


0


1


Reanimation Machine


27


5.11


1


5


6


4


3


8


0


0


Life


25


4.72


0


4


5


4


6


6


0


0


Temporary Solution


19


3.68


0


1


3


2


4


4


1


4


Macey Rock


14


3.28


0


1


3


1


1


4


2


2


Scepter Confinement


13


3.61


0


0


3


0


6


4


0


0


Cephalid Life


12


3.75


0


1


1


2


2


5


0


1


White Weenie


12


4.33


0


2


1


4


1


2


0


2


Gro-a-Tog


11


4.9


1


0


4


3


0


3


0


0


Black-White Life


9


5


0


2


2


3


0


2


0


0


Trinity


9


3.22


1


2


0


0


1


5


0


0


Blue-black Desire


7


4.57


1


0


1


1


3


1


0


0


Kiki-Opposition


7


4.28


0


2


1


0


0


0


1


3


Sneak Attack


6


6.16


0


0


2


0


2


0


1


1


Pattern Rector


5


4.2


0


0


1


1


3


0


0


0


Squirrel Opposition


5


4.59


0


2


0


1


0


0


1


1


Intruder Alarm


4


5.75


0


0


0


1


2


1


0


0


Blue-white Control


3


4.33


0


0


1


1


0


1


0


0


Cold Shower


3


2.66


0


0


1


0


0


1


0


1


Enchantress


3


2.33


0


1


1


0


0


0


0


1


Fish


3


3.33


0


0


0


0


0


1


0


2


Confinement


2


5.5


0


0


1


1


0


0


0


0


Draco Explosion


2


2


0


0


1


0


0


0


1


0


Mono Black Control


2


6


0


0


0


0


2


0


0


0


Mono-black Disruption


2


2


0


0


1


0


1


0


0


0


Welder Intuition


2


4.5


0


1


0


0


0


1


0


0


Black-White Control


1


8


0


0


0


1


0


0


0


0


Black-blue-red Scepter


1


1


0


0


0


0


1


0


0


0


Blue-white Opposition


1


4


0


0


0


0


1


0


0


0


Cephalid Breakfast


1


8


0


0


1


0


0


0


0


0


Flagpole


1


3


0


0


0


0


0


1


0


0


Goblin Intruder Alarm


1


7


0


0


0


0


0


0


1


0


Grass Stain


1


8


0


0


0


0


0


1


0


0


Green-red Fatties


1


6


0


1


0


0


0


0


0


0


Idol 2005


1


4


0


0


0


0


0


1


0


0


Mirari Control


1


7


0


1


0


0


0


0


0


0


Mono-blue Control


1


7


0


0


0


0


0


1


0


0


Monored Land Destruction


1


6


0


0


0


0


1


0


0


0


Nether Go


1


3


0


0


0


0


1


0


0


0


Opposition


1


7


0


0


0


1


0


0


0


0


Pirates


1


5


0


0


0


1


0


0


0


0


Rector Control


1


1


0


0


0


1


0


0


0


0


Sneaky Go


1


7


0


0


0


0


0


1


0


0


Squirrel Prison


1


2


0


0


1


0


0


0


0


0


The Rock and His B*tches


1


6


0


0


1


0


0


0


0


0


This Deck Runs 2 Psychatogs


1


5


0


0


0


0


1


0


0


0


Trinity and Nail


1


7


0


1


0


0


0


0


0


0


Welder Control


1


4


0


1


0


0


0


0


0


0


White-green Slide


1


1


0


0


0


0


0


1


0


0

The greatest Constructed season of all time? Quite possibly. 57 different deck archetypes made the Top 8 over the course of those eight weeks. There’s so much more I want to show and tell you, but it’ll just have to wait – a pissy Ferrett is no man’s friend. Let’s just say that our readers will be considerably smarter than the average PTQ player from the day this goes live.


The Kitchen Sink

I swept a team of Aaron Forsythe, BDM, and Josh Bennett in a team draft at Pro Tour: Atlanta. Okay, I didn’t go 3-0 in that draft, Fumiko did, but I’m taking credit for it anyway.


(No I am not discussing my 1-5 record in the other two drafts I did. Bite me.)


Dear people of Russia,

Please stop sending me e-mail in Cyrillic. Even if I wanted to purchase your mail-order brides or your surplus bus parts, I wouldn’t understand how to go about doing so.

Thank you,

Knut


So it’s Sunday night in Atlanta and a bunch of us our sitting around, shooting the shiznit when this conversation takes place.


Ravitz: Hey Dave [Williams], have you seen your pants?

DW: My Pants? What the f*** is that supposed to mean?

Ravitz: *raises an eyebrow and looks at Dave*

DW: Oh, you mean the huge hole in the crotch of my jeans? I’ve got boxer shorts on man, it’s cool.

Ravitz: He wins millions of dollars and can’t find a pair of pants without holes in the crotch…



StarWarsKid may have already found the best Kamigawa Block Constructed deck out there. If so, I expect the world to end sometime next week, say around 6PM.


Paul Shirley certainly has a career in sports writing when he decides to hang up his basketball shoes. I especially like this line, which is basically how I’ve felt about my own writing since I started this whole gig: “Stay tuned, it might get interesting…and if it doesn’t, I’ll make something up.”


I confess the $500 a head money draft between Williams, Maher, and Reeves vs. Wiegersma, Walls, and Nassif was a monster. Serious big game there. However, the most amusing draft I watched on the weekend happened between Hoaen, Nuijten and X vs. Chambers, Aten and Y. Chambers utterly smashed Julien and then played Hoaen for the match. In spite of Julien telling Hoaen very clearly that Chambers had a bunch of ninjas in his deck and that he had to block creatures, Richie went on to make every mistake Julien warned him not to, earning heaps of scorn from Nuijten and massive smiles from everyone else.


Apparently none of the Dutchies had read this Becker article with Julien’s separated at birth comparison. Cute kids, both of em.


On the topic of kids, I present to you the new great debate for the Magic Community. F*** chess clocks, the hosing of Blue, Let’s Make a Deal, or the slap fight between Osyp and Aten. Try “How many 5-year-olds could you take on at one time?” (Thanks to Monty Ashley and Greg Collins for that amazing time sink and also for completely derailing my forums.)


Going 4-2 in back-to-back IPA QTs on MODO is a pretty solid kick to the nuts, let me tell you.


Congratulations to all the StarCityGames.com writers who get to attend the Magic: the Gathering Invitational at this year’s E3. Also, thank you to all the fans who chose Tim Aten as a Fan Favorite – you have officially let Ben Bleiweiss off the hook. (Nope, can’t explain that one.)


Speaking of the Invitational, I was willing to put money on the fact that Sam Gomersall would win the PT Players ballot. I would have lost all of that money on the R&D vote though, where I expected Anton Jonsson to go. He finally cut the mullet off people, he deserves a slot. Let’s try some positive reinforcement here, shall we?


Stuff I’m listening to lately:

The Decemberists – Picaresque

Moneybrother – To Die Alone

Big Pun – Various

Rogue Wave – Out of the Shadow

Ted Leo – “Since You Been Gone” (Yes, the Kelly Clarkson song)

Loudon Wainwright III – “I Wish I Was a Lesbian”

(Which is even more amazing if you can find the Anime music video for it. In other news, Anime music videos are surprisingly addictive and not to be trifled with. I should have learned this back in 1992 when I first saw the video for Matthew Sweet’s “Girlfriend”, but somehow I forgot that in the thirteen years since.)


Tim Aten may or may not have almost been thrown out of the tournament site in Atlanta for throwing a chair at me.


If John Carter asks “Who wants to play Magic?” feel free to say yes. The last two times I’ve seen him do it, it hasn’t been anything kinky…


The Obligatory Cheesecake Section

Longtime readers know I was the Davy Crockett of Cheesecake, pioneering the field well before that Romeo fellow hopped on the bandwagon when I went all respectable and such. These days my taste has turned a little more intellectual though, and thus I’m going to present extensive works from one Yawgatog, perhaps the smartest and most sarcastic Photoshopper around. I’m completely in love with his work as are most of our Premium members, but since many of you haven’t been on board since the beginning (your foolishness has been forgiven), I figured I’d present a sampler from his first amazing month of work for us. Not all of these will make sense without the context of an article around them, but meh… I’ve never been about making sense here.



Without further ado, I present the Genius of Yawgatog, Month 1. And yet another reason why I sometimes don’t feel smart enough to work here…


Tappity, Tappity, Tappity

No... just no.Dude, it IS a Goblin!Even Ezekial thinks that my mind is gone

Nope, nothin' here.Please insert 25 cents to continue.Bad movie, smokin' hot Katie Holmes.

OMG, it's Dan Rather!By the Power of Greyskull!  What?  This isn't He-Man?

A lamentable movie, but a great image.The Bling or the Bang?The Dutchies get all the laydays.

Humble, but dastardly.Primitive Genju GodsAs the streets, yo.

Better than Hungry, Hungry Hippos!Funk and Wagnall got nothin' on YawgAnd his battlecry was a resounding

Matrix 3 would have been so much cooler if...Goth Slaver


Quoteable Quotes

Ferraiolo: man the best thing about 7-11 slurpee straw

Ferraiolo: after i eat a whole stick

Ferraiolo: when 10 am rolls around…

Knutson: you have Terry Francona chaw?

Knutson: ahhh

Ferraiolo: and i hit the bowl

Knutson: the dumps are mighty

Ferraiolo: man its GREEN.

Ferraiolo: like a forest.


chester6561 (5:57:46 PM): trivia question

KKrouner1 (5:57:57 PM): ?

chester6561 (5:58:00 PM): what cant iron barb hellion do that i can?


[knutedit] hmm, do I run Steve’s Oath primer tomorrow

[knutedit] or do I make people wait for it…

[Magikarp9] DO IT KNUT

[Magikarp9] DO IT!

[Magikarp9] run it

[Magikarp9] Or I’ll never forgive you

[knutedit] that’s one vote for waiting…

[BR4M] no make ’em wait…at least till I find some cheap oaths ๐Ÿ™‚

[knutedit] one vote for publish tomorrow!

[jeek] knutedit: Run it and I’ll give you a “massage w/release”

[knutedit] and one vote for restraining order against Jeek


[kaib] holy sh**

[kaib] my individual limited rating is 1860 haha

[kaib] 1823 even


[knutedit] bah, wish I’d had another day to stalk cute Aussie girls and take pictures

[knutedit] I’m missing the beach and sun about now

* flame- slaps knutedit around a bit with a large trout

[knutedit] did I say stalk? I meant something else entirely

[LeeSharpe] it’d be nice to be in a warmer client

[LeeSharpe] stupid snow

[LeeSharpe] err

[knutedit] ting!

[LeeSharpe] climate


KKrouner1: 10:11 sakaris: I have to ask – are you Ken Krouner ?

10:11 KK keeps this hand.

10:11 sakaris keeps this hand.

10:11 KK: I am:-)

10:11 sakaris: Cool !

10:11 Turn 1: sakaris.

10:11 sakaris: I learned half my draft skills from your articles {s}

10:11 KK: and I just clicked thorugh my first turn:-(

10:11 sakaris: Ouch !


[innocence] MY MOM FOUND MY LUBE

[innocence] ;WOIEGJWOEG

[innocence] MOM NEEDS TO STOP CLEANING MY ROOM

[StrWrsKid] lol

[innocence] my ******* and lube are now tucked away neatly

[innocence] in my underwear drawer

[innocence] my porn vids are in a nice stack on a shelf

[innocence] and my *** pipes are all organized neatly


[Kowal] presenting exhibit A

[Kowal] Doug Linn

[hi_val] Show me on the doll where the Kowal touched you.


[pugg_fugg] Well, yeah, I guess they could be real and just have translation issues or something.

[author name="Yawgatog"]Yawgatog[/author] From InQuest to English.


[cathy_n] I’m trying not to encourage people to search for easter eggs anymore.

[cathy_n] It just results in abuse.

[mixedknut] cathy is doing her part to stop domestic violence

[mixedknut] like, when I was a kid

[mixedknut] and my mom hid the easter eggs

[mixedknut] and my dad couldn’t find them…

[mixedknut] he hit her

[mixedknut] a lot

[mixedknut] and it scarred me emotionally

[mixedknut] so I appreciate your efforts here


[Riptide] it actually physically hurts

[Riptide] to read flores articles

[Riptide] how does one man screw up that much?

[kaib] his nickname isn’t ‘bad player flores’ for no reason ๐Ÿ˜›

[Riptide] he should upgrade to “atrocious player flores”


[RuneH] i wonder why Jack Bauer always gets into trouble that seems to last exactly 24 hours


[Ephraim] I live in a giant bucket.

[the_luke] I think my mother was actually disappointed that I wasn’t gay.


[jpmeyer] having never played type 1 is such a benefit when it comes to playing type 1


[BrassMan] the correct plural of ninja

[BrassMan] is “OH SH*T”


hoaen: so is wotc going to start paying you more for gps after seeing what a disaster it is without you?


[Riptide_] i just happily found out that modo is still the same

[RuneH] second at a pro tour… 50/50 on modo?

[Riptide_] i think i might have judges check my shuffling at the next pt

[Riptide_] cause im sure im cheating


Knutson: doctor mox remains my favorite thing to edit every night

Knutson: wonder if MiseTings has started quoting him

Bleiweiss: Probably not

Bleiweiss: It’s barely updated – they just started putting up articles again after a 3 month hiatus

Knutson: yeah

Bleiweiss: Plus it’s a pool of festering evil

Knutson: I should start making an article quote log

Knutson: to go along with the chat one

Knutson: …

Knutson: was that last good or bad?


* Smmenen has joined #themanadrain

[kirdape3] lol

[Smmenen] ?

[kirdape3] time to change the topic!

[mixedknut] lol

[[Klep]] obv, ben hasn’t gotten enough h8 recently, so he came here hoping for some ๐Ÿ˜›

[Bleiweiss] Like that time Steve Menedian blew me in the bathroom of the richmond P9

[Smmenen] h8

[Bleiweiss] Oh wait, sh**, sorry Steve

* Smmenen has left #TheManaDrain


[kirdape3] honestly, the best way to describe her (referring to Menendian’s sister) is like stevem’s face on a shapely female body



[chimex1] at 4pm today i downed 4 consecutive frappucinos to pump up for a type 2 tournament, and i am still having serious issues ๐Ÿ™

[chimex1] it was totally sweet at the time, and i was super happy for about an hour

[chimex1] however i now realize that it is not tech


from #mtgjudge

[pal|home] question about the coming GP Eindhoven…a friend of mine is planning to give out presents to his opponents: small toy horses and pens with horse motifs on it for all opponents who play life.dec or scepter-chant. According to an article of dr. mox on scg.com, those decks are “only for ladies and pacifists and those who watched ‘my little pony’ during their childhood”. Is this unsporting conduct or harmless gag?


[ROSHOLM] like in ams ppl walk up to you and offer crappy rooms and such

[westy] yeah

[westy] then they rob you

[westy] and spend your money on crack

[westy] not a fan of amsterdam

[westy] sinister undertones


[jrog|home] I received Kai’s result slip once – I’m leet

[ScottWork] I answered Darwin Kastle’s question once, then watched him make the same mistake anyway


[JSigler] yugioh cartoon, followed by ashlee simpson show

[author name="Yawgatog"]Yawgatog[/author] You’re getting dumber by the minute

[author name="Yawgatog"]Yawgatog[/author] Which is quite a feat, I might add.


[March] i sprayed my wife with “curious” or whatever “by britney spears” the other day in the mall

[March] i was surprised that britney’s perfume didn’t smell like kools and corndogs


That’s it folks. I hope you have enjoyed this journey of irrelevance. I may not have a muse anymore, but I can still steal material with the best of ’em.


Teddy Card Game

Mail us at https://sales.starcitygames.com/contactus/contactform.php?emailid=2


I knew this article was going to fail from the start. Professor of the Streets? And you wonder why I haven’t been writing lately… This is what being out of practice does to you.