Salutations, my misty-eyed minstrels of Magic! It is I, the beloved Doctor Mox, returning to the fair pages of Star City with a glorious favor to ask.
Do not worry your pretty little heads, however. It is not a dangerous favor: I do not require you to ride motorcycles through burning rings of fire. Nor is it an expensive favor: I am a man of some wealth, and my research into “Growth Serum Creation” is adequately funded by a small company named Rosewater Industries. And never fear, it is not a sexual favor: thankfully, my baser needs are met by my remarkable Swiss ladyfriend Jetta, usually with her trademark snarl and a back-handed slap.
As you no doubt remember, my life had reached six mana when last I wrote: it was time for an upheaval. Jetta and I decamped to Austria in order to train for the upcoming Toboggan World Championship. You’ll be pleased to hear that Team Moxmobile are still on course: we suffered a minor mishap two days into our training when it became clear that Jetta has a clinical intolerance to the Austrian snow. We now train ensconced in protective bubble-wrap suits, tailor-made in Vienna. As for Jetta… we managed to remove the offending pustules with a scalpel.
Moxie Moxie Moxie Mox, I hear you cry. While we appreciate a status report vis-à-vis your current sporting endeavours, this is STILL a Magic site. What is this favor of which you speak? And be warned… if it is not relevant to the field of Magic then we shall be very cross indeed.
Never fear, my gelatinous strumpets! I shall now proceed with due lucidity.
Yesterday, upon returning from a rather heavy toboggan training session involving medicine balls, flugelhorns and the stirring music of Wagner, I discovered the following message on my telephone-answering-machine…
“…Is this thing on? Can you hear me? I hate these things… Hello there Doctor Mox! I am calling from America, on behalf of Wizards of the Coast, to bestow upon you a wondrous gift. Here in Renton, we pride ourselves with our ability to keep our fingers on the pulse of the modern Magic scene. Sometimes, it’s a chore: our offices, located under the volcano in lead-lined underground bunkers, are hardly at the hub of the action. While we miss some things, such as the power of Affinity, we do notice others… and we’ve noticed that you, Doctor Mox, are a sure-fire hit!
“So in the spirit of community, we offer you this: A chance to attend the upcoming Magic Invitational! You’ve been entered into the forthcoming Super Secret ‘Magical Ambassadors’ ballot, to be held after R&D make their ill-governed choice. So get canvassing those votes! And hopefully, we’ll see you there!
“… Finished at last. Is that okay, Mr. Buehler? Will you untie me now? My wrists are sore, and I’m cold without my trousers.” *click*
Yes, my glorious gallimufflers… I, Doctor Mox, am here to beg for your Invitational vote!
So without further ado, I present to you four reasons as to why I’m the obvious choice for the role of Invitational Magical Ambassador:
Doctor Mox Shameless Vote Whoring.
Reasons to send me, the good Doctor Mox, to this year’s Magic Invitational.
Reason One: I am smarter, stronger and more sexually attractive than all the other contenders combined.
I am smarter: I was the first proponent of the Scientific Unified Magic-ificated Scale, correctly positing the notion that the optimum size for any Constructed offering is 60 cards (or, to use the true scientific scale, 60 cards = 1 decacards.)
I am stronger: Once, when travelling in Belgium, I happened upon a young boy trapped under a huge slab of chocolate. People, in a state of panic and confusion, were milling here and there. I told them that putting two cards into their graveyard was futile, considering the gravity of the situation, but they paid no heed. Eventually, I plucked up the courage to help. With a gargantuan effort, I held up the massive slab of chocolate, enabling the young boy to skitter free.
Of course, this chocolate-based feat of strength is nothing compared to Jetta. I have known her to hold up traffic on more than one occasion.
I am more sexually attractive: Throughout her life, my Swiss ladyfriend Jetta has attracted many suitors. Some say it is her delightful naivety, some say it is her heaving, tempestuous bosom. Others say it is the overpowering smell of cat’s musk she exudes… but whatever the reason, she eventually chose me as her life-partner. Thus, I am either incredibly lucky, or I am some sort of sexual leviathan. Either way, I’d be an asset to the Invitational.
Reason Two: I shall use my Invitational powers for the good of the community.
It is a well-known fact that those who eventually win the Invitational have the chance to design a card for inclusion in a future set. What the public don’t realize is that the benefits don’t stop there. Indeed, some of the most influential decisions to come out of Wizards in the past six years have been orders from Invitational winners.
The banning of Arcbound Ravager and Disciple of the Vault, the powerhouses behind Affinity, was down to none other than Invitational winner Mike Long. When passing the news of the bannings, he commented with the following:
“In my day, cheating was frowned upon. Not that it stopped m-… anyone. Nowadays, it seems, that Wizards are promoting such abuse. Cards such as Ravager and Disciple make the cheating of the past look as honest as a Eight-Nun Sanctioned Draft with the Pope as Head Judge.”***
In voting for me, you can have confidence that I’ll wield my newfound powers with dignity and grace. Just as soon as I’ve nuked the sh** out of the Blue cards.
Reason Three: I make a fearsome adversary when provoked.
Once, when presenting a paper on Bayesian Inference for Nonstationary Spatial Covariance Structure via Spatial Deformations, a dignitary in the crowd dared question my findings with a hearty “pshaw.” Well, he looked pretty silly a few minutes later, scrabbling on the floor trying to pick up his teeth with broken fingers.
I am a man of passions. I’m sure Jetta will back me up on this. Consequently, if you don’t vote for me… I will hunt you down like a pack animal.
My wrath will be swift, and ugly.
Reason Four: My Invitational card KICKS ASS.
Heh. Take a quick peek at this little beauty…
Jetta, Love’s True Bloom – 1BW
When Jetta, Love’s True Bloom comes into play, all opponents receive a poison counter.
When Jetta, Love’s True Bloom leaves play, all players discard 2 cards, lose 2 life and sacrifice 2 lands.
“Consider, when you see the strange entwined…
Cupid often fires his arrow blind.”
This card sums up the enigmatic Jetta in a nutshell…
Powerful, dangerous and utterly, utterly beautiful.
So, in parallel with much modern Magic, there are many ways to vote… but there is only one correct choice. Do the smart thing, and Vote Mox.
When the time comes to have your say, I’m sure you’ll make the correct decision. Both Jetta and I are counting on you… Jetta in particular, as she’s always dreamed of making the big time. Sure, she’s quite the celebrity on the Rodeo circuit, but she’s a big fish that’s outgrown that particular small pond.
Sadly, it is now time for us to depart. The training must commence anew, for the Toboggan World Championship is mere days away. Both Jetta and I have mastered the Push-Off, the Mount and the Easy Slide, but we still find things get a little sticky when attempting the Reverse Entry.
Until next time… vote for me!
NB: If you have a question for Doctor Mox, he can be contacted at [email protected].
Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.