Lifestyles of the Exceedingly Clever

This week we’ll be exploring the valuation of Darksteel cards in Limited before the topic becomes an anachronism. I’ll also be spewing forth the usual randomness you’ve all come to know and love and deliver some predictions for Grand Prix: DC.

“Back again so soon, Mr. Aten?”

Yeah, yeah. Hopefully I’ll be pumping out one masterwork per week for the foreseeable future because I love my job so very much. And because I have so much wisdom to impart.

This week we’ll be exploring the valuation of Darksteel cards in Limited before the topic becomes an anachronism. Despite the fact that I have been consistently drafting the worst deck at any table I’ve been at*, I actually do remember how to draft. I just need to apply myself, or whatever.

I’m not sure if this is going to become a regular feature on our show, but once again this week, I’ve chosen to include a little list of people whose names I included in this piece of trash I’m trying to pass as Limited strategy. It’s rather convenient for you, and it doesn’t hurt my hit count, since you’ve already clicked on the damn article.

Tonight’s Guests:

Mike Aten

Andrew Benanzer

Ian Biaselli

Dan Bridy

Doug Conway, PhD

Antonino De Rosa

Chris Deroche

Morgan Douglass

Ryan Golden

Sam Gomersall

Rich Hoaen

John Hunka

Michael Jacob

Ken Krouner

Matt Linde

Beth Liston

Bob Maher

Jason Nye

Ryan Opalk

John Pelcak

Mike Pustilnik

Brandon Rickard

Dan Rodemann

Ben Rubin

Matt Rubin

Ben Stark

Geordie Tait

Gerry Thompson

John Wolbert

Steve Wolfman

Mark Zajdner

It was brought to my attention last week that I certainly could have included Matt Rubin’s name on the list, since he was one of the members of Jewdrop. That was an oversight on my part. I really need to learn how to namedrop better.

Before I get into the discussion of Darksteel cards that you may have been rating incorrectly, and the bonus feature match coverage that I’ve been wanting to include for over four months now, I’ll regale you with anecdotes from Grand Prix: Columbus, the one that was supposed to be mine to win.

Nothing of note really happened Friday night except for a money draft win with *gasp* my brother Mike on my team, and a money draft loss against Jason Nye and Andrew Benanzer. Benanzer had asked me if I wanted to draft, and I convinced him to do it for money. He almost backed out when my ringer teammate John Smelcak (a.k.a. the little kid in the TrustCompany hoodie) had to leave, and I replaced him with Ryan Opalk, but they found the resolve deep within themselves to remain steadfast. Opalk went 0-2, and I went 1-1, but I think I made anywhere from one to a half dozen mistakes in the match I lost, so I feel like we were equally to blame.

Long story short, I found them the next morning and challenged them to a rematch with the ‘cak on my team. They naturally accepted and we started to draft and… I felt like I was going to die. It was a delightful mixture of nausea and good old-fashioned malaise. I couldn’t really focus on the draft, and I was rather skeptical of my odds for the Grand Prix. After the draft came to its merciful conclusion, I took off my Finger Eleven hoodie** and went outside for some fresh air while Gerry built my deck for me. Unfortunately, he included a card I simply despise (Liar’s Pendulum) over the best creature ever printed (Titanium Golem), but nobody’s perfect. He also said the deck was abysmal, even though it had about 2.5 billion removal spells since it was the only black deck at the table.


I felt far too sick to play out the draft during the bye rounds, so I simply went back to the Welshly Arms hotel to get my G-I tract back in gear in the hot-tub. I felt better in time for round 3; by the end of the day, though, a mediocre performance had turned my previous physical discomfort into rage. I started off 5-0, then lost to Linde’s Empyrial Plate two games in a row, then beat Antonino’s wretched card pool, then lost to Ben Rubin Betrayal-of-Flesh-my-Pentavus-back-into-play. I was dejected and resigned before and after I intentionally drew round 9 with, ostensibly, a doofus. I figured a 6-0 day 2 wasn’t going to be much harder than a 5-0-1, so I wasn’t willing to risk not making the cut by playing out the final round.

6-2-1. Not 8-1, or 7-1-1, or (heaven forbid) 9-0 so much; 6-2-1. Always a painful f*$^ing journey; no dancing through Sunday*** for me, ever.

I’m certainly skilled enough to have a good day sometime, right? People better than, equal to, and even worse than myself have had their days in the sun, their riveting stories of success in the GP and PT circuit, but not me, no sir. Nothing ever falls into place perfectly for me. I always have to grind out nearly-half successful performances while a random selection of my peers and nonpeers gets handed endless strings of glorious wins in a seeming arbitrary fashion. What Does It All Mean? Don’t I Deserve Better Than This? I’m Good, I Swear!! You Know What? I Hate This Stupid F*&%Ing Game And I Don’t Even -Want- To Play Day Two Anymore.

I’m in a happier place now, psychologically and perhaps even spiritually, so the preceding existential-anguish-ridden rant no longer really applies to my way of thinking. It should, however, give you some idea about my state of mind when I finally sat down on Saturday night to play out the money draft.

The ‘cak was long gone, but that wasn’t a problem since I was willing and able to play out the draft all by myself. First up was Benanzer. I angrily slammed down removal spells and the all-important Relic Bane, I bent my cards by shuffling them furiously in my hand, I made snide remarks. In short, I was irritable, and I was brutal, and I demolished him. That’s 1-0 me. Next up was Nye. He had a nice little affinity start, but it was simply no good. The juggernaut that was my Emissary-of-Hope-andDespair-thank-you-very-much concoction made short work of him game 1. By that time it was about 11:30, and my opponents said they had to leave. Seeing as how it was my fault that the draft hadn’t been completed half a day prior, I had no qualms about granting them a reprieve.

And now for a few semi-topical comments, since I thought of them as I was rereading what I’d written so far. One, when Ferrett was editing my article about Grand Prix: Kansas City, he alleged that I finished dead last day 2, a commendable feat. Well, when I said I finished dead last in the GP, I was clearly exaggerating; I didn’t even finish in 64th or anything, despite only playing four rounds on day 2. Oh, and it’s not a commendable feat. Depending on where you are with the game skill- and dedication-wise, it might be, but it’s not for me. You wouldn’t tell Pedro that he should be happy he made it to the World Series, would you? Okay then. Not that I’m as good at Magic as he is at baseball, but I digress.

Second point: My feature match coverage blew. If you’re gonna say”Tim Aten is a no-talent who only has a feature match because he’s an internet writer” like the lovely person who did the write-up said, then don’t bother giving me feature matches. If you think I have a reason to be featured, then gimme a feature match. If I’m just some random mongoloid, don’t bother. I do realize that the person who granted me the feature match wasn’t the same person as the doofus who did the actual coverage, so I don’t understand the pertinence of this rant even as I type it, but there’s no turning back now. I created all the words of this paragraph out of nothingness, and I’m not about to go back and snuff out my little babies.

Finally: Several people have called me arrogant in the forums. I’d like you to keep up the good work. I’m rather grating and maybe even a little antisocial, but I am certainly not arrogant… at least, not to an unfair degree. Is it arrogant to say you’re better at Magic than someone if it’s contextual, albeit only for random ramblings for a”strategy” article, and if it’s the truth? I have as much disdain for myself as I do for everyone else, okay? I’m not going to sugarcoat things. I’m not going to say a girl”has a nice personality” if what I really mean is”she’s fat.”

Now that I’ve thoroughly convinced you of my emotional instability, I think we’d better get back to the GP synopsis.

My evening concluded with a trip to Taco Bell with Rodman and Deroche. I am a big, big fan of Deroche. I used to think he was the biggest scumbag on the planet, but that was an incorrect assumption. He’s more of a distrustful pragmatist with an”everyone’s out to screw everyone else over, so if it has to be that way, I’m not the one who’s gonna get screwed” attitude, and ironically, sort of a good man. At the Bell, Rodman ordered approximately $15 worth of food, all for himself, since Deroche had promised to pay for Rodman’s meal in exchange for a ride. There was talk of a $20 side bet as to whether Rodman could complete the meal in a single sitting, but it never materialized.

On day 2, my first pod featured all people I knew, all of whom were competent. Beth Liston was a little rusty, as evidenced by the fact that she passed my second-round opponent a second-pick Mask of Memory and a third-pick Skullclamp; other than that, however, it was a rough table. I ended up with a crappy affinity deck that got crappy draws; nevertheless, all three of my matches were close. Unfortunately, I had to play John Hunka first round (we teamed together, remember?). I defeated him, but lost heartbreakers to Steve Wolfman and one Michael Jacob.

1-2 was not the best way to start the day, and I was mathematically eliminated from making any money, but I didn’t know that, so I stayed in. This non sequitur of a sentence that you’re currently reading is to remind you that, yes, I do know how to write well, but I choose to waive that right at times, as evidenced by the nightmares that are the first two sentences of this paragraph. I find that suboptimal work because of abject laziness hints at a sort of charming despair in my writing. Wouldn’t you agree? No? Well Stop Reading Then. No One Forced You To Read This. I’m Sure Whatever Else You’re Doing Is So Much More Enriching Than This. Just Click The Back Button Before You Get To The Worthwhile Part Of The Article.



I managed to 3-0 my next pod with a saucy little Green/Red number that unfortunately included such platinum hits as Drill-Skimmer and Clockwork Condor. In my first round, I defeated Beth Liston. Round two was the best feeling in the world…

I’ve outplayed morons. I’ve gotten very lucky against good players. I’ve even outplayed good players. I’ve manascrewed rude, cocky opponents. But let me tell you this: No victory is sweeter than the one you didn’t earn. For me anyway. I don’t know why this is. As much as I love the sanctimony associated with going 3-0 in a draft that I lost, as much as I love the pride of successfully carrying my team in a money draft, I would much rather post an embarrassingly bad record and still win. The point is, in this, the fourteenth round of fifteen at Grand Prix, Columbus, Ohio, United States, Earth… my opponent did not show up. We found each other after the tournament, and I won when we played for fun, but that’s a non-issue.

In the final round, I defeated MikeyP, thanks in part to a Stand Together on my Fangren Hunter and Spikeshot Goblin, solidifying a forty-fifth-place finish and marking the first time I’ve bothered to play out day 2 to the bitter end. Yay me.

All told, it was a rather… Well, um, I don’t believe in”good” and”bad” anymore, so it’s hard to come up with a nice, trite conclusion to this portion of the article that serves as a flimsy segue into the”real” portion. Good or bad, it was definitely a weekend. I know that much. Grand Prix: Columbus assuredly took place on a Saturday and a Sunday. That’s dern tootin’.

Alright, well, I hope you enjoyed that trip down memory lane. If not, I don’t really care since, if you’re reading this, I’m gonna get paid anyway. Ha ha ha. No seriously, if you hate my writing or even me, tell me in e-mail or in the forums. I’ll take it all to heart and try to become a better person.****

A final final final note before I jump right into the list of over- and underrated Darksteel cards. I have a feeling that I’m going to have to make good on my offer of one draft set to anyone who could popularize worse lingo than”shotgun peels.” Yes, from the looks of things, I’m going to have to give IanB the prize for”We need it,” which I -think- was taken from the WPT in some way. Congratulations, you miserable bastard. I don’t know what you look like, so you’re going to have to find me in DC. I’ll be the tall, ugly guy with the stigmata and the crown of thorns.

Auriok Glaivemaster

As most people know by now, the White Equipment deck has fallen out of favor. I’m not sure whether it has more to do with something about Darksteel or with the fact that people are learning to hate the clunkiness of pieces of flair, but the fact remains that Auriok Glaivemaster sucks.”But if he has a Bonesplitter, he’s a 4/2 first striker on turn 2!!!” Well congratulations for being such a master. Nice draw, nice draw. What you need to realize is that you aren’t always going to have the Equipment for this guy. It’s a struggle to get the four to five quality pieces that you would want to be able to run him, and even then there’s a decent chance the Equipment you do draw gets tampered with – Shattered, Rammed, Carried Away, whatever. Also, if you think about it, anything with a Bonesplitter is good. I think my best argument against this card was when I was trying to convince Geordie Tait that it was bad. To this end, I compared Glaivemaster to Goblin Striker, both equipped and unequipped. You’ll find that, color considerations aside, in most scenarios, Glaivemaster is actually an inferior card. So don’t play it unless you’re way outmatched and trying to mise. Few things are more pathetic than the unequipped Glaivemaster.

Leonin Battlemage

If you’re White in Darksteel, do you take Razor Golem or Leonin Battlemage? If you think this is an actual question, perhaps you should keep reading. It’s taken me a bit of time to realize it, but Leonin Battlemage is easily one of the top 3 White cards in the set. Pristine Angel is #1, then depending on who you ask, Test of Faith and Leonin Battlemage are #2 and #3. It’s obvious that Battlemage is best in a deck with some instant-speed tricks… but the beauty part is, it’s just fine with no instants. Pump one of your guys main-phase, play a creature, attack. Then, on your opponent’s turn, he has to deal with the combat horrors of a potential +1/+1 to any blocker. He won’t have any idea how many times you’ll be able to use the ability, so he may be less inclined to attack even when you have no instants. Conversely, if you do happen to have an instant but your opponent thinks you don’t, you can utterly destroy your opponent’s board. Finally, damage or –X/-X spells are much more difficult for your opponent to play, since he needs to be able to hit your 3/3s for four, your 2/2s for three and so on.

Loxodon Mystic

I’m not actually sure whether this is still underrated, but it warrants mention. It’s slow, and”its ability should be on a cheaper guy” and blah blah blah. Evidently, even at five mana, tappers are good. If your opponent happens to have no creatures of note, the Mystic can swing in with the best of ’em. The double White in the casting cost can be problematic, particularly in Green/White (which is a viable archetype), but the benefits outweigh the costs. This is an excellent man for the high end of your curve, and your opponent will often have a difficult time winning unless he can neutralize the elephant.

Pulse of the Fields

Again, I’m not sure how underrated this card is anymore. Big Johnny Wolbert told me that one of his associates berated him for thinking Pulse was better than Razor Golem. Well, once again, the Razor Golem loses out. It’s the best White common in the set, but it falls short of two of the rares and all five uncommons. I don’t know how much attention you pay to the Type Two environment, but Pulse is disturbingly good in that. In draft, it makes racing a losing proposition for your opponent. You have to manage your life total carefully, though; if you attack your opponent to a lower life total than you, the Pulse obviously becomes less effective. Hence, you need to be able to tell when you’re at a safe enough board position to let the Pulse hit the graveyard. All told, the White Pulse is sort of like Sun Droplet, except much more powerful and impossible to Shatter. Life gain tends to be mediocre in general, but a card that literally has no limit to the potential life you can gain from it is clearly an exception.

Stir the Pride

This card is obviously very good; it’s like a White Overrun! However, in this environment, Overrun isn’t that hot anymore. This is not a format of creature stalemates; in many games, the troops will be thin on each side of the board. A lot of the time, you won’t be able to entwine it, since seven mana is quite a bit. Perhaps my personal experiences differ from the norm, but I’ve rarely seen this card live up to its potential. Many times, I’d only have one man on the board, so this five- or seven-mana doozy of a trick really didn’t have much of an impact. In other cases when I cast it, I was just going to win anyway. Basically, this card is rather similar to Loxodon Warhammer. Sometimes it will just win the game, sometimes it will be completely worthless, but either way, you should probably scoop it up early. I’m sure you’ve used your master sleuth skills to determine that this is, in fact, inferior to Test of Faith and Leonin Battlemage. In the Green/White deck I keep talking about, I’d much rather have Stand Together.

Psychic Overload

Finally, a non-White card for y’all. This card often functions like a four-mana Desert Twister, and yet it’s consistently still in the pack around pick seven or eight. Why is that? Basically, discarding two artifacts is a huge inconvenience, especially if you wait till your opponent’s hand is mostly empty before playing it. Even if he discards two, untaps, and trades with one of your permanents, you’ve still gotten a three-for-two. Needless to say, it’s excellent on Crystal Shard and Icy Manipulator.

As long as you don’t place this on something he only has to untap once before it can continue to wreck you (Tel-Jilad Archers, for instance) when he has many cards in hand, and as long as you don’t totally forget about the creature under there (for instance, if you’re at two, you should still keep your eyes on a Skyhunter Patrol with this on it), this will serve you well. Better than all the Blue commons except for Spire Golem and possibly Neurok Prodigy… if you aren’t playing affinity, of course.

Vedalken Engineer

Sometime when I was writing the last entry, I got bored and fell asleep. I’d just like you to know that you’re not alone. Long story short with this card: it’s not as good as it seems like it should be. In affinity decks, you end up with a lot of colored cards that want artifacts; this guy doesn’t really help that. This is more of a niche card that’s good with tons of artifact creatures or with certain artifacts that would be too expensive to play otherwise, such as Bosh, Iron Golem. Spire Golem is the pick over this 95+% of the time, Neurok Prodigy over this 75% of the time, and you probably take this lower than you would a Quicksilver Behemoth in affinity. Depends on your mana acceleration and whatnot. This often goes as late as ninth on Magic Online, but for good reason.

Chittering Rats

Some people initially considered this a prime candidate for best common in the set. I think it’s roughly equal to Essence Drain, in a solid second place behind Echoing Decay. In some games the ability will be ridiculously good; in others it will be almost completely irrelevant. It certainly is great at punishing sketchy draws, but it doesn’t give you temporal advantage like Looming Hoverguard. Here’s basically what I feel about black in Darksteel, in list form (oobbbbbbvvvviously).

1. Death Cloud

2. Murderous Spoils

3. Greater Harvester

4. Echoing Decay and Emissary of Despair (tie, depends on removal count)

6. Chittering Rats

7. Essence Drain

8. Screams from Within

9. Grimclaw Bats

10. Mephitic Ooze

Obviously, if you’re aggro-Black, the Bats are above the Screams; that was just a general ceteris paribus, sic transit gloria sort of list.

Stand Together

Like Leonin Battlemage, this card keeps slowly ascending the list in its respective color. Antonino got this out in the air last week, but it bears mentioning here. At first I thought this was too slow to be worthwhile. Then, Robert Maher Jr. explained this to me in Oakland – if you have creatures on the board, this is a better turn 5 play than Fangren Hunter. True enough. Whether this functions to kill an opposing creature or two while saving your own, or just to deal an extra four damage and leave two hard-to-stop men in its wake, casting it will probably make life rather difficult for your opponent. Partly because of the relative scarcity of Myr, Green decks would rather play a turn 2 Chosen, turn 3 Wolf, turn 5 Stand Together than turn 2 Myr, turn 4 Fangren Hunter these days. Green is just fine as long as you know how to draft it; you have to shy away from the upper-end stuff. This is currently fourth on my Green list, just behind three sick rares; Oxidize and Viridian Zealot move above this if you need the artifact removal.

Tel-Jilad Wolf

See above. It’s a weaker card than Tangle Spider and Tangle Golem, but often you’ll have to take this (at least over the Spider) to smooth out your curve. Additionally, against some decks, his ability makes him nigh-unblockable. Green cards are tough to gauge since there are often few green drafters at the table, meaning you’re more or less at the mercy of the pack quality.


I think I mentioned this last article, but I could be mistaken since even I don’t read my articles. Okay, that’s a lie. My articles are the only ones I read, since they’re the best, and why settle for less? Derf. I also skim articles written by people I know in case they mention me, plus I love Ask Ken, starring Kartin Ken Krouner. Reading it is a great way to start your workday, or in my case, around 2:30 p.m. while smashing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

Anyhoo, Drill-Skimmer is slightly underrated. I usually don’t have a problem running one. Some decks need the flying defense. Usually you don’t play this if you can avoid it, but don’t be embarrassed to have this little guy in your deck.

Talon of Pain

This is often still in the pack way too late. In my artifact list, this is shortly behind the Swords, the Clamp, and the two best Arcbounds. That’s not to say that there isn’t a significant quality dropoff -there is- but it’s still one of the best artifacts in the set. As long as you have creatures getting through, this card is a game winner. Once it gets a few counters on it, your opponent will be hard pressed to play a creature that can survive long enough to prevent more counters from being added. It’s a slippery slope, essentially. The only problem is getting your guys through to begin with. The best ways to do it are through components any competitive deck should have at least one of anyway: quick creatures, evasive creatures, or removal.

One Swedish gamer, who shall remain nameless because if I named him I’d be obligated to put him in the”Tonight’s Guests” list, and if I put him there the list would look like a giant barn parade, said that none of his decks have any of these, so he doesn’t like the card. This particular person also promised to say”Drooling Ogre is hot s***, dude!” in San Diego for $5.

Ah, yes, the Talon… leave it in the board (or don’t take it) if you’re extremely creature-light (eleven or less) or if your deck is simply too slow to take any advantage of it.


This card is also underrated. Its main ability is the damage prevention one; 2/2s only deal one damage (hence doubling your opponent’s clock), 1/1s can’t even bother attacking, and so on. Once you’re ready to attack for the win, you can obviously tap this sucker for a few extra damage. Similar to Sun Droplet, and simply brutal in conjunction with it. King faced a board with both of these cards as well as four creatures and two Bolas last night; he conceded on the spot since he simply had no way out of the lock.

Here’s where I would be giving you the splendid feature match coverage I’ve been rambling on about (ramblings you’ve been blatantly ignoring, probably for good reason) if I thought I had fulfilled my”strategy” quotient. I’m still a little shy, so I’ll give you a handful of overrated Mirrodin cards before giving some predictions for GPDC.


There are some pieces of Equipment that are meant for attacking and blocking, and there are some that are meant for utility. Personally, I don’t like attacking/blocking Equipment that grants no inherent bonus on its own. For the initial cost of three mana and the additional cost of two per creature, you get a card that doesn’t really do anything if the creature is garbage. Most creatures start out too small for double-strike to be particularly relevant; double-striking Silver Myr, anyone? It doesn’t make the equipped creature any harder to kill with removal spells either. This is a niche card, and I’ll take Mirror Golem over it every time, unless I’ve somehow managed to draft the White Equipment deck.

Oblivion Stone, Loxodon Warhammer

I’m lumping these two together since they’re both overrated, but you still probably should take them anyway. Granted, if there’s any reason not to take them – a Crystal Shard or a Solar Tide – I probably won’t. Oblivion Stone is clunky and slow, and it takes forever to set it up so that it’s one-sided in your favor. Unless you use it as an eight-mana sorcery, your opponent has a turn, or possibly more, to come up with an answer for it before you can blow it. If you’re far enough behind where you want to destroy all nonland permanents, sometimes the two turns the Stone takes to set up are too many. In short, it’s harder to break the symmetry than it appears.

The Warhammer is, as you well know, an expensive piece of Equipment that will steal wins if your opponent isn’t prepared for it. Killing the equipped creature or the Hammer after the initial investment of six can be devastating, but since the card potentially wins games all on its own (and yes, you need a creature, so that statement is somewhat fallacious) it’s still an easy first-pick, usually. How lame.


If I’m Red/Black and have the choice between Talisman of Indulgence and Gold Myr, I’ll take the Gold Myr. Since there are more cheap, powerful threats now (or at least it seems that way), there’s less emphasis on accelerating up to large monsters and more on having a good curve. My God this writing is awful. I’m this close to the finish line now, so I can’t give up. Ted, you’re really gonna have to do a lot of work to make me beautiful this time around. Maybe you can tack a cheesecake section of your creation onto the end so people will forget about how awful what they just read was.”So Tim says you need to have a good mana curve… because it’s good to play… spells? What kind of a moron ohmygodboobies.” [Apparently Tim’s catching on. I frequently remind people that I’m a moron, but they rarely seem to remember that fact for long… – Knut]

Right, so. Talisman is a spell as opposed to a land, so if you play it in place of a spell you’re diluting your deck. Unlike Myr, which can at least attack for one or occasionally grab a Vulshok Morningstar and go to town, the Talisman is as dead a draw as a land in the late game. As such, I only would like to play these if I’m really hurting for acceleration (even though it’s less crucial now, a little is still nice. Plus, try as you might, Green still really needs it), or if I’m in a position where I could easily replace a land with one.

And finally, some quick Grand Prix predictions:

  • At the end of day one, the ragtag ensemble of Matt Rubin, Ryan Golden (of RyanG’s corner fame), and Brandon Rickard will have a zero in one of their win/loss columns and an arbitrarily high one digit number in the other. It’s impossible to tell which will be in which.

  • The team of Sam Gomersall, Alex Melnikow, and Mark Zajdner, if these three indeed end up playing together, will make top 4.

  • No matter how hard I try to come up with a team name, I cannot. Even if I do come up with a good one, it will not be better than the name Ben Stark, Antonino De Rosa, and Rich Hoaen will be using.

  • My team is going to do well. How well, I’m not so sure. I don’t go into events expecting not to do well, but rare is the occasion when I go in as the picture of confidence. I certainly didn’t have that vibe for GP: Pittsburgh last year, even though I did reasonably well.

  • Bridy will accidentally leak a significant portion of the”top secret Wendy’s meal.”

That’s all for now. I wouldn’t have even included that throwaway section, but RyanG begged me to be included in the article, so mise.

Oh, and the article title? A Joydrop song. Ting.

Last but not least, Mad Props To…Biiiiiiiiiiiig Dougy Conway, Y’all!!!

Tim Aten

A shadow of his former writing self

Esturk (and then some) on Modo

Hater of Zieglers

Still growing crazier, fatter, and uglier by the second

President of Morgan Douglass’s fan club

A pretentious pansy-ass momma’s boy

[email protected]

When the rain comes, I sit home and pray

Make it all numb, I wish it all away

All I really need is just somewhere to hide away…


*The first half of this sentence is quite a doozy. I’m pretty sure that placing”consistently” where I put it is a split participle or some other grammatical faux pas whose name I’m forgetting. Also, the first part of the sentence ends in a preposition. This footnote is to show you that I do in fact know how to write, but I like to keep it real. And edge Ted closer to his first heart attack.

**Yes, I had something underneath. As much as I hate most people, I didn’t want them to feel as nauseated as I felt. Well, not at the expense of my dignity anyway.

***Eh? Eh? AFI reference? *nudge* Eh?

****No real need for a footnote here. The very placement of the asterisks there should have been enough to convey a certain degree of sarcasm under the assumption that I was going to say something clever to clarify the lines down here. Aren’t I efficient?