21 Questions – A Tim Aten Joint

In a change from our usual program, Master Tim Aten brings us a Quiz… twenty-one questions (allegedly) on the subject of Grand Prix: Massachusetts. Part tournament report, part mental exercise, and part Atenesque nonsense. The answers will appear tomorrow, with the meat of this article… so if you wanna know if Tim had an insulting encounter with a cleaning lady, or if Rich Hoaen got knocked down onto his grumpy buttocks, come join us then!

As I’ve mentioned many times, often prefaced by the phrase “as I’ve mentioned many times,” I’ve lost any ability I have to string sentences together in any meaningful way. Thus, I’ve chosen to make things easier on myself and perform one of my compulsions at the same time (and hopefully still get paid). Today, I will present a multiple choice test pertaining to the events of the Grand Prix. Tomorrow, I will provide the answers and explanations.

Grand Prix: Massachusetts – The Test

1. Whom did I see in concert in Canada the Thursday before the Grand Prix?
A. Thursday
B. Taking Back Sunday
D. The Used

2. Which of the following was NOT true of the concert?
A. Some 14-year-old girls asked us if we were old enough to buy them beer.
B. Rich Hoaen got knocked on his grumpy buttocks by a rogue mosher.
C. I threw up in my shoes.
D. The band neglected to play one of my favorite songs on their newest CD.

3. On the drive from Toronto to Massachusetts, what song did Hoaen make a point to skip over?
A. AFI “Synesthesia”
B. Fall Out Boy “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race”
C. Natalie Imbruglia “Torn”
D. Snow “Informer”

4. In what thriving metropolis was Grand Prix: Massachusetts held?
A. Boston
B. Worcester (pronounced “Woostah”)
C. Springfield
D. “Fitchburg”

5. Why did Sam Stein change his order at the concession stand on Friday evening?
A. They ran out of everything but chicken strips.
B. He realized he only had $1.50 in his pocket.
C. Paul Cheon, a self-proclaimed “food court connoisseur,” gave the nachos rather high praise.
D. He wanted to hear the stand worker’s colloquialism for “slice of pepperoni pizza” again.

6. How many byes did Ben Lundquist and I have?
A. 0
B. 1
C. 2
D. 3

7. How much 2HG had I played before playing in the Grand Prix?
A. none
B. one game
C. a GP trial and two practice drafts
D. literally DI

8. Before the tournament, who did I predict would win?
A. Hoaen/Tsumura
B. Sittner/Sittner
C. O’Mahoney-Schwartz/Wang
D. me obv

9. Which of the following happened in our match against the Ruel brothers?
A. Both teams had a Pyrohemia in play.
B. I insisted that a judge shuffle my deck rather than Olivier.
C. There was a 15-minute judge ruling.
D. Ben Lundquist lost all faith in me as a teammate.

10. In the last round of Day 1, what card did Matt Wang play on the first extra turn that converted a draw into a loss for my team?
A. Magus of the Jar
B. Tromp the Domains
C. Squall Line
D. Nether Traitor

11. Why did I refuse to sign someone’s Tim Aten cards at the end of day one?
A. They were J. Evan Dean’s, and he was just being a moron.
B. I only sign in silver ink, and he had a regular old Sharpie.
C. I wanted to get to Olive Garden before it closed.
D. I was infuriated at the manner in which we had just lost.

12. Which of the following cards was NOT in my first draft deck (G/W/b) on Sunday?
A. Aether Web
B. Molder
C. Healing Leaves
D. Mountain

13. What was unique about our match against Takuya Oosawa and Shota Yasooka?
A. It was a feature match.
B. Ben got a headache seven turns in, so I basically had to finish the match by myself.
C. It was the only time I saw someone mulligan below seven cards.
D. Ben and I finished the game at thirty life.

14. In round 11, Steve OMS and Matt Wang defeated us again despite what early-game development?
A. We Stupored away OMS’s only Green source, and he didn’t draw another until turn 8.
B. They played an Essence Warden on turns 1 and 2; I played a turn 2 Kavu Predator.
C. I played a Smallpox on turns 2 and 3.
D. We had six cards suspended by the end of our third turn.

15. What Pro Player Card did Olivier Ruel ask Kyle Sanchez to sign?
A. Olivier Ruel
B. Tim Aten
C. Jose Barbero
D. Alan Comer

16. Ian Spaulding taught some “professionals” a new draft format (details to follow in the next article). Who is the undisputed master of that format, currently?
A. Rich Hoaen
B. Julien Nuijten
C. Ian Spaulding
D. Gabe Walls

17. Which Top 4 team did all three of the other teams want to play against and knock out?
A. Fabiano/Ziegler
B. Aten/Lundquist
C. Rubin/DiPalma
D. O’Mahoney-Schwartz/Wang

18. When I call Ruud Warmenhoven “Fred” (the American equivalent of Ruud), what does he call me back?
A. Tito
B. Tommi
C. Kim
D. Napoleon

19. Sunday night after the GP, what card name did Kenji Tsumura utter repeatedly in reference to pretty much everything?
A. Pongify
B. Dandan
C. Snapback
D. Kiki-Jiki, Mirror Breaker

20. Who insulted my luggage (just a laundry basket again, since I was too lazy to pack a suitcase) on my way out of the hotel?
A. Raphael Levy
B. Quentin Martin
C. Sheldon Menery
D. a cleaning lady

Okay, that’s 20 questions. The last will come when the answers are posted. I actually titled the article after I wrote the whole report and realized that, including the one in the “explanations” section, there were 21. I mean, I guess I could have named it “20 Questions,” but I’m just street like this, son. Hit me up tomorrow, ya heard me?

Tim Aten
Decidedly Not Black
Not Even Close
[email protected]