January
After years of consistently proclaiming that TurboLand is the best deck in Extended no matter what the metagame was, Zvi Mowshowitz finally wins a Grand Prix with it. Snowball fights break out in Hell as pigs request flight plans from astonished air traffic controllers.
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Rob Dougherty unveils his”Playtest like a Pro” experiment, wherein he throws out a rough deck and asks StarCity readers to playtest it against a rigorous gauntlet.
Out of thousands of daily readers, only two actually sit down and do the work; the rest sit around and endlessly theorize about the deck without ever picking up a card.
Dougherty, realizing the fine difference between pros and amateurs is actually, y’know, working at it, wisely stays quiet.
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Magic’s new look is unveiled, causing several unwitting players to be struck blind when they viewed the new card layout without sunglasses.
As was widely predicted, the new look drove millions of people away from Magic, effectively ending Magic’s run of ten years. As you read this, nobody now plays Magic: the Gathering, and this article does not in fact really exist. When Wizards filed for bankruptcy in December of 2003, their press release stated,”We would have made it if only we hadn’t changed the art.”
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February
Ben Bleiweiss promises that gee, he’ll get to that 18,000-word article he promised real soon now, but for now he’ll just give you this little tidbit.
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The approach of Legions promises many new archetypes. Backbreakers like the all-Wizard deck, the all-Cleric deck, the all-Sliver deck, Suicide Black, and *cough* Aqualube take Standard by storm in a frenzy of consistent and crushing losses.
Proving for once and for all that that yes, Wizards is building our decks for us, but those decks usually suck.
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Nick Eisel is caught cheating at Grand Prix: Boston (and is later banned from Magic for three years). This leads to the most difficult decision StarCityGames had faced: Since the official Sideboard site didn’t report it, should we post breaking news that would irreparably damage the credibility of one of our most popular writers?
We decided to do it, and there was a lot of controversy. In retrospect, it was the right thing to do; news is news, even when it potentially harms us. We decided to tell the truth then, and we’ve tried to do it ever since.
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March
Ben Bleiweiss promises that gee, he’ll get to that 18,000-word article he promised real soon now, but for now he’ll just give you this little tidbit. And this one. And this one.
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Randy Buehler announces a new payout structure for Magic Online that rewards poorer players, but gives less packs to the winner of the draft. Also, Randy creates a new”1800+” room, which goes completely unused as good players realize that it’s still much easier to trounce newbie twelve-year-olds and go infinite than it is to win more packs in a room with an actual challenge.
As was widely predicted, the new structure drove millions of people away from Magic, effectively ending Magic’s run of ten years. When Wizards filed for bankruptcy in December of 2003, their press release stated,”We would have made it if only we hadn’t changed the payout structure.”
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The first professional Onslaught Block tournament is unveiled in Pro Tour: Venice, showcasing a Counterspell-free format where huge Kilnmouth Dragons and 6/6 Goblin Goons run amuck. The pros love it. Everyone else goes nuts, loving the new”bigger is better” format.
Alas, by the time we got to play with Onslaught Block Constructed, Wizards had added good counterspells and Wing Shards, making the”put all of your eggs into one firebreathing basket” strategy a really bad idea, and thus forcing all of us to play with little weenies or U/W Control again.
Dammit.
—
Wizards allows one player to qualify for Worlds via Magic Online. Many jokes are made about Nick Eisel qualifying, and dark predictions are made about how someone will use various underhanded techniques to win a Worlds berth.
None of this happens, of course, and Andrew Cuneo takes the win without a problem.
Unfortunately, as was widely predicted, the Worlds qualification drove millions of people away from Magic, effectively ending Magic’s run of ten years. When Wizards filed for bankruptcy in December of 2003, their press release stated,”We would have made it if only we hadn’t added that Worlds Q.”
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April
I completely fool all of you on April first, convincing many that I am leaving to go webmaster for rotten.com. (Also, many idiots take [author name="Tony Costa"]Tony Costa[/author] at his word, conveniently forgetting the”You lose the game” clause on Phage the Untouchable.)
Suckers. You don’t lose me that easily. [Dammit. – Knut, turning the tables after all these years]
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Rob Dougherty discovers a new deck, Elvish Succession, a Nantuko Husk/Verdant Succession-based deck that routinely goes infinite by turn 4. Realizing his deep love for this deck, he immediately marries it, entering a polyamorous relationship between the deck and his wife.
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May
Regionals arrives, and U/G Madness and Three-Color Wake dominate the format. Players everywhere look at their calendars in confusion and say,”Are we still playing Odyssey Block? I thought this was Standard season…”
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[author name="Nick Eisel"]Nick Eisel[/author] returns to StarCityGames under a unique deal. The forums erupt with a large hue and cry of,”Oh. Whatever.”
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Scourge is released, completely shattering Vintage by adding Mind’s Desire to the pool and creating a truly broken combo engine. Type One players everywhere complain about a broken card that people can buy for less than fifty bucks.
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June
Mono-White Control is touted as the best deck in the new post-Scourge Onslaught Block, mostly on the basis of a rock-solid matchup against Goblins. No matter what they do, Goblins cannot beat Mono-White.
After three weeks of pro-White blather, Osyp Lebedowicz softly whispers in the metagame’s ear:”Say, do you have Siege-Gang Commander in your Goblin build?”
“Oops,” say the Mono-White players, and promptly say to hell with it, let’s just play Slide again.
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The 8th Edition card list is leaked, and there is a huge uproar upon discovering that long-time tourney staples such as Counterspell, Duress, Disenchant, the Ice Age painlands, and Llanowar Elves are gone. Even worse, strong color hosers are back in force, rendering mono-colored strategies intensely risky. For the thirty thousandth time since Magic was created, long laments are written to how the game used to be a lot cooler when it was won in two turns.
Unfortunately, as was widely predicted, the 8th Edition rotation drove millions of people away from Magic, effectively ending Magic’s run of ten years. When Wizards filed for bankruptcy in December of 2003, their press release stated,”We would have made it if only we hadn’t rotated out Counterspell.”
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Starr Kaplan posts an article wondering why Magic has a lot of fat, rude slobs. The forum erupts with anger from rude slobs across the globe, and they all successfully convince themselves that Magic is only filled with thin, well-loved, perfectly-adjusted people who all look like George Clooney.
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Wizards decides that even though the rotation for Scourge is due to happen in three frickin’ days, no exception should be made for Origins, held on June 28th and 29th. Players everywhere yawn ferociously, trying to stay awake through a thoroughly-established metagame that features Goblins, Astral Slide, and Goblins.
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July
My birthday arrives. Bow down and worship me, for you can now see what StarCityGames would look like without an editor.
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The Vintage World Championships are held, despite the fact that it’s not really the”world” championships. See, a lot of Vintage’s best players are in Germany and other European countries, and the prize wasn’t enough to cover their airfare, so they mostly stayed at home. But then again, that”Sort of like a Vintage Grand Prix except with less money and you can’t win byes and about half of the world’s best players are sitting on their thumbs in Dulmen” didn’t get past Wizards’ marketing board, so World Champs it is.
Type One players were thrilled to be there. They were less thrilled when several players screwed up horribly in the Top 8. Vintage players put their fingers in their ears and shouted,”La La La We’re Just As Competitive As Any Other Format La La La” until everyone goes back to ignoring them.
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The new sci-fi look of Mirrodin is announced, and it looks a lot like Captain Eo on acid. Players everywhere are horrified to realize that their four-mana 2/2 creature is now a spiky metallic thing instead of a scaly dragony thing. Strangely enough, these new spiky metallic creatures still die to a Shock and trade with other 2/2s, despite their strange and unearthly appearance.
Unfortunately, as was widely predicted, the new look of Mirrodin drove millions of people away from Magic, effectively ending Magic’s run of ten years. When Wizards filed for bankruptcy in December of 2003, their press release stated,”We would have made it if only we hadn’t made Mirrodin look like The Wizard of Oz wrapped in tin foil.”
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Aaron Forsythe daughter is born. Awww.
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August
Grand Prix: Atlanta is held in a one-time-only format. This format will never be played by anyone ever again.
Six hundred players show up to play. The rest of the world yawns and says,”Well, who the hell cares?” and goes back to watching internet porn. Wizards cringes and says,”Um, maybe we should have made this Team Sealed.”
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Four of the Top 8 players at Worlds played Wake, culminating in a fascinating Wake-on-Wake finals that causes worldwide fits of spontaneous narcolepsy.
Magic enthusiasts look at their calendars in confusion and say,”Are we still playing Odyssey Block? I thought this was Standard season…”
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In a cost-cutting move, Wizards elects to skip the usual”beta” program for Magic Online 2.0 and instead releases a bug-filled program directly to the general public, who pay $3.29 a pack for the privilege of experiencing catastrophic failures.
In a desperate attempt at spin control, Wizards announces that Magic Online 2.0 is actually a scavenger hunt: The player who finds the most bugs by September 30th will win a free trip to Seattle. Alas, during the press conference to announce this, their chief PR person is shot and killed by a stray Guerrilla Tactics activation.
Unfortunately, as was widely predicted, the new bug-filled MODO drove millions of people away from Magic, effectively ending Magic’s run of ten years. When Wizards filed for bankruptcy in December of 2003, their press release stated,”We would have made it if only we hadn’t had MODO 2.0 programmed by a bunch of thalidomide-warped coding monkeys.”
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Goblin Lackey, Entomb, and Frantic Search are banned in Extended.
“What about Grim Monolith and Tinker?” asks a bystander.”Isn’t Mirrodin supposed to be the all-artifact set?”
“Meh,” says R&D.”How bad could it be?”
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September
Mirrodin is released, including the Vintage format-changer Chalice of the Void. Vintage players everywhere turn to their Standard and Extended-playing friends in horror, wondering what the hell is going on; players in other formats patiently explain the concept of”a metagame shift” to Vintage players.
Discouraged, Vintage players complain that Wizards is now paying too much attention to Type One, conveniently forgetting that they had been asking for this attention for the past four years.
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The first Mirrodin Sealed games are played. Faced with finding a way to stuff forty-plus playables into a deck within a thirty-minute time limit, several players’ skulls implode.
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October
States is held, signaling the start of the new Mirrodin-legal Standard. Mirrodin is a complex set with lots of potential combo engine cards, new strategies, and exciting creatures that can really shake up the face of Type Two.
Completely terrified by this freedom, players everywhere scamper back to the one deck that Wizards has fed to them, and Affinity shows up in record numbers.
“We kind of like when Wizards builds us a deck,” whispers one player.”Otherwise, it involves thinking.”
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Pro Tour: Tinker is held in Tinker Orleans. Tinker Mindslaver Tinker, Rickard Osterberg, Tinker Tinker ban that f**king card Grim Monolith Tinker.
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Nate Heiss takes second place at Grand Prix: Kansas City. Pigs continue to fly. The Abominable Snowman settles into Hell.
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November
Nick Eisel informs the world that Spikeshot Goblin is the best card in Mirrodin Limited.
Unfortunately, as was widely predicted, the second completely bah-roken common in a new set drove millions of people away from Magic, effectively ending Magic’s run of ten years. When Wizards filed for bankruptcy in December of 2003, their press release stated,”We would have made it if only we hadn’t put in Spikeshot Goblin.”
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Ted Knutson takes over Ferrett’s position as working editor, allowing Ferrett to go to a position as full-time Webmaster. Ferrett runs from Magic like an escaped prisoner, and is only now getting to the point where he does not actively vomit when he sees a Magic card.
Perhaps years from now, he will be able to play again.
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Encouraged by the vast and open field that Mirrodin has given them, StarCity’s readers debate what the best build of Affinity is.
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December
Wizards finally bans Tinker. In an attempt to fix other past mistakes, they also ban Wonder in Odyssey Block, Lin Sivvi from Pro Tour: New York 2000, and Necropotence from every format ever.
If you played in a format where they’ve banned something, the rematch will be held in February. Please mark it on your calendar.
—
After a brief conversation with a crack dealer, Wizards of the Coast Vice President Mark Jordan raises the prices on Magic packs from $3.29 to $3.69.
“D-Dog told me that you guys were so hooked you’d pay anything for these cards,” he chuckled, as he dangled a pack before a crowd of pushing, screaming nerds.”I mean, paying almost a quarter for a glorified baseball card was pretty ridiculous – but think of our expenses! I mean, we have to, um… Buy this foily stuff to protect them! And shuffle them! And we have to pay for all the beta testers on Magic Online…”
Unfortunately, as was widely predicted, the new pricing drove millions of people away from Magic, effectively ending Magic’s run of ten years. When Wizards filed for bankruptcy in December of 2003, their press release stated,”We would have made it if only we hadn’t raised the prices.”