Worrying About The Vase

Rizzo looks at his last year’s predictions, then he makes more predictions for this year. They’re all ridiculous, of course, especially that thing about Zvi and Budde.

Man, it’s so much fun unloading a moving van by yourself. Thanks to everyone who offered to help, all zero of you. I guess it’s too much to ask to fly up to Maine (uninvited, by the way), figure out where the hell the new cribbo is, and randomly show up and offer to help.

You bastards.

Remember when I’d write a decent article now and again? Yeah, me too. Heck, I only had to do it once a month or so, then coast for the other three weeks. Man, those were the days: Scantily-clad chyx feeding me grapes and organizing my commons while selling my extra rares on eBay. Alas, Rizzo fiddled while The Net burned.

Actually, I was downloading porn, but the analogy is still fairly accurate.

Lemme tell y’all a story about a guy who drove seventeen hours to Pittsburgh, loaded up a 24-foot Ryder truck to the gills, visited way too many relatives, spent a ton of money,”celebrated” Christmas, had no time to hang out with The Bag, drove seventeen hours back to Maine, waited an extra two annoying days to close on his new house – which meant another two bills for hotels – and played no Magic in the meantime.

Nah, that’s depressing, and I had a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!





Hope all yinz (Pittsburghese for the plural form of”you”) had good times as well. If you didn’t, then scrooge you! Scrooge you? Wow, it’s like I flashed back to fifth grade all of a sudden. I am Scott Bakula, Jon-Erik Hexum, Christopher Lloyd, and Malcolm McDowell all up in here.

(Those were time traveler guys. I know you’re still hung over from Uncle Lou’s eggnog, but try and keep up.)

Holy Bakula!

Incidentally, the original version of Planet of the Apes was rated G.

With (male) full frontal nudity, gratuitous rear (male) nudity, and an ending that featured the phrase”Goddamn you all to hell,” it’s easy to see why such an endearing family film warrants a”G” rating.

I don’t know why I brought that up.

After sucking something fierce this Extended season, I’m going to scoop ’em up and play Enchantress. Even if everyone and their mother is getting all up on JJ Storrs jock, I’m still going to do it. While working like hell to break Braids by using Kevin-Cronatog and Meditate, which is truly an amazing card in it’s own right, I realized that, damn, it’s simply too hard. I’d much rather serve with a fairly large white creature until my opponent is dead. And that’s what I’m going to do.

JJ rulez.

But Braids still turns me on a little more. Just a little.

Hey, in case you didn’t notice, it’s, like, 2002. Or something. While 2001 was full o’ fun stuff in and out the wazoo, lemme break down the predictions I made last year to see just how amazingly accurate (or not) I was:

1. Sol Malka will win a PTQ. (99% chance)

Well, considering that I don’t think Sol even needed to play in a PTQ in all of 2001, I think I was right by attrition. Also consider that Mike Flores won a PTQ with Sol’s deck, and I’d say I hit that bad boy right on the head.

FrigginRizzo: <—Performing a curtsey, which allows Carpenter Crack to be all up in here.

I sort of miss that arrow thing. Sort of.

1 for 1

2. Wakefield will return. (99% chance) (God, I hope so – The Ferrett)

Okay, dude gave like five interviews, wrote an article in Pojo Magic’s real-world magazine, and since”will return” is vague as all hell, I count this as another”dead-on, yo.” The F’s comments were made back when he actually made comments – before he was all jaded and weathered and emotionally spent and all. (What the f**k? – The Ferrett)

Dear Pete,

Give a brother a day off or something.



(The Readers Concerned For The Ferrett Health, Goddamnit)

2 for 2

3. The Dojo, as soon as Psylum figures out that Magic is not a friggin’ business, will regain much of its former glory and sit atop the ‘net with Star City and Mindripper in a triumvirate of good times for Becky. (85% chance)

Apparently, Psylum didn’t figure that out – but just because The Dojo went out of business doesn’t mean I’m wrong, does it? Oh, and Mindripper’s gone too? Could I have been any more wrong?

2 for 3

4. I will win a PTQ. (3% chance – but hey, I like them odds)

I did make a whole bunch of Top Sixty-Fours.

2 for 4

5. Planeshift, Apocalypse, and whatever is after that (Dreamcast?) will blow our minds. (99% chance)

Hells yes, my bruddahs, they sho’ ’nuff did. But”Dreamcast?” What the?

3 for 5

6. A virtual unknown will win a Pro Tour. (50% chance)

All right, let’s look back at the year’s PT winners.

PT-LA: Mikey P

PT-Tokyo: Zvi

PT-Barcelona: Kai

PT-NY: Kai and Krew

PT-NO: Kai


3 for 6

7. Will Rieffer will find another card to replace his beloved Ankh of Mishra. (3% chance)

Will found many, many sexy brethren to take it’s place (Blurred Mongoose among others). However, there are no pictures of Will making sweet, sweet love to any other cards the way he often did with Ankh of Mishra. Thus, this one is a push. And the dealer takes all pushes. Since this is my article, I get to be the dealer, or I’ll take my football and go home. Nyah!

4 for 7

8. Anthony Alongi will come out of the closet and reveal that he has long been, and always will be, a die-hard white mage. (3% chance)

In his annual Hall of Fame series of articles, A to the A did indeed list white cards. Also, he reviewed all of the Atogs for Sideboard Online. Even the white one. I must apologize for”outing” Alongitog, but I’m from the school of tough love, and to help A-tog with his demons is to do him a great service.

5 for 8

9. Rui Oliveira will change his nickname to”18 Montanhas and some artifact mana” because the environment will demand a stronger mana base. (3% chance)

Seems as if Rui has given up that wacky”Montanhas” moniker, since he’s too busy traipsing around the world to cover matches at Pro Tours and Grand Prixs and whatnot. I forgive him, but still would very much like to see him change his name to Rui”18 Montanhas and 4x Fire Diamond” Oliveira.

5 for 9

10. Pokemon will die a grisly death, causing many of its players to seek Magic as a sanctuary (just like WotC planned). (60% chance)

Tru friggin’ dat. While it’s still alive (sorta), you’re no longer seeing the Crips (or is it”Crypts?” – I feel so out of touch) and Bloods offing each other for foil Charizards. Even though this wasn’t a difficult, nor ballsy, prediction, soothsayin’s easier than pimpin,’ but somebody still gotta do it.

6 for 10

11. The Ferrett will finally update The Ferrett Domain. (3% chance)

He did. Well, I think I heard that he did, which is close enough. Oh, and if you think I’ve gone too far here and there, check out the Ferrett’s Domain if you’re not easily offended. In fact, turn back now. Or something.

7 for 11

Do you have any idea how much fun it is to write a play, pepper dialogue with random Magic references, and have people think you’re clever because they have little to no ability to mise?

Of course you do!

12. Taking pictures with your opponents will become all the rage in future tournament reports. (10% chance, but a boy can dream) (That’s my nightmare – The Ferrett, who spends an extra half-hour to forty-five minutes HTMLing up all of Rizzo’s phantastich Tourney Reports… but they’re worth it)

Since my camera up and died, I guess the flame of love died with it. With no one to keep the spark burning, opponents can go back to being themselves and relax – the pressure to learn the newest gang signs is over.

Oh, and The F was lying when he said”but they’re worth it.” Know how I know? Replace”but they’re worth it” with LOL, ROFL, LMAO, or a smiley face. Check it:

Gary Wise is a boogerhead. 🙂

Rizzo is awesome at Magic. LOL!

Kordell Stewart is a good quarterback. ROFL!

Dear everyone,

Putting LOL, ROFL, LMAO, or a smiley face after a”joke or sarcastic statement” doesn’t fool anyone. We know you absolutely mean what you’re saying – and we’re mad that you thought you could fool us.


The Knowers

7 for 12

13. Ice Age will rotate out of 1.x. Dual lands will also get the axe. (50% chance)

Hey, I didn’t see you making predictions, now did I?

7 for 13

14. Randy Buehler, Worth Wollpert, and/or Henry Stern will quit their jobs at Wizards, citing”the desire to play in tournaments” as their primary reason. (10% chance)

They didn’t, but I bet they really wanted to, so I’m counting this as good times for me and Becky in a weekend tryst at a five-star hotel. So there. And since Mons Johnson played in GP: Iforgetwhere, I should count this as doubly-right.

8 for 14

15. I will meet and befriend Sean McKeown, Chad Ellis, Pete Norris, and anyone else who has not exactly seen eye-to-eye with me on certain issues. (25% chance)

I did meet Sean, and while we didn’t make a little love or did do a little dance, or even get down tonight, it’s all good. As for Chad… He made a Top Eight somewhere big, so hugs. Pete sent me some sexually-explicit email, so booya for me and the fact that I can’t read anything from Pete if my wife is watching over my shoulder, which happens more than it should, especially when she walks by me checking my email and sees chyxs’ names as the senders. Oh, how she punishes me. Bad Rizzo. Bad.

9 for 15

16. I will spend more time browsing and/or posting random messages on The CPA, as I really am a casual player who likes to take it to the next level now and again. I think. (100% chance)

I tried. Really. But I don’t use”as” after commas like I did way back then. That’s worth some wollpert indeed.

9 for 16

17. Tournament reports will get better and better, virtually eliminating descriptions like this: }

“my deck rulez i mise 2-0”

“i go mountain drop a scroll and mise.”

“round 2 joe with stupid.dec that ibeat badly but i dont remember much about this match cept that he tryed to mise but i mised better.”

(20% chance, 95% chance if Shawn keeps up the Evil Eye of Orms act over at CCGPrime)

Reports got better, in my”not humble on The Net but humble in real life” opinion. So I get another cookie, since I did it all for the cookie and I still hope that someone kicks Fred Durst’s ass. Badly.

As for Shawn, and others who write like gangbusters until they become Featured Writers and then just disappear from the face of the Earth: dudes, that’s annoying.

Fred Durst should be beaten senseless repeatedly many times in a row.

10 for 17

18. And some other things will happen, but I’m not sure about those.

They did, even though I was a little uncertain.

11 for 18 which is not too shabby for my virgin voyage. Heh; virgin. Can you all relate? For some reason, I bet that many of you can, while those who have known someone (biblically) are much like me in that we pray daily for those fancy-free days of wondering if sex will be as cool as it sounds instead of waking every day knowing that it’s pretty friggin’ overrated.

Wow, what the hell is wrong with me?

In need of a fatty, perhaps?

Laquatus’s Champion

4BB Rare

Creature – Nightmare Horror


When Laquatus’s Champion comes into play, target player loses 6 life. When Laquatus’s Champion leaves play, that player gains 6 life.

B: Regenerate Laquatus’s Champion.

Can you say”life loss on the stack?” Heh, and we thought that type of phrase was only useful in Extended. Silly us. But it might work wonders in a Nefarious Lich deck… I’ll let your own dirty mind wonder if drawing six cards while double-Bolting your opponent could be neato. Did I just say”a Nefarious Lich deck?” Dude, put me out of my misery.

The following excerpts are from a very interesting tournament report by Edward Paltzik that was posted on Neutral Ground:

“Irrelevant detail upon irrelevant detail is piled on higher and higher, until I become lost in a deep and potentially inescapable forest of boredom.”

That’s Ed describing what he feels when he reads most tourney reports.”Irrelevant” is one of those words that is so subjective that it is almost – well, irrelevant, which is, like, spooky or something.

Reports are also about the tourney experience – the road trip and the drive home are both parts of the whole. I’m of the opinion that of the people that regularly read reports, at least some readers do so not for the strategic depths and random lessons, but to further immerse themselves in the game. It’s called”entertainment,” chief; if you want tech and only tech in a tournament report, guess the news: It ain’t gonna happen. Well, not much anyway.

A report is as much about the entire day – a day of hanging out with your friends, eating crappy food, drinking teeth-rotting beverages, drooling over the one Magic chyk that’s in attendance, trading for that last Finkel and playing fifteen hours of non-stop Magic – as it is about the actual matches. Deal with it. We’ve shared many of the same experiences as the writer of the report (at least in roundabout ways), but somehow reading about them is”irrelevant”? I don’t get it… For if anything, the random details are most assuredly relevant. Because we’ve been there, done that.

“Initial symptoms include mild stupidity and nascent dementia.”

I almost clicked the back button after reading the word”nascent.” An interesting word to use in an article where the target reader is sixteen to twenty-one, ain’t it? Nascent. If someone can justify the use of the word”nascent” in any Magic-related article, ever, I’ll be happy to enlighten said person as to why a report is as much about everything that happened outside the game as it is the x’s and o’s.

I have no idea what”nascent” means, nor do I care to find out, nor do I somehow feel inferior to Ed because I’d rather type”sup, yo?” than”nascent dementia.” One guy says”mise” and the other says”nascent.” Which report do you think will be more entertaining? Which one do you think you will be more likely to relate to? Which word are you more likely to hear again, ever, in your entire life?

Nascent. Dude, it’s sort of growing on me. Lemme try it on for size…

Bad Times For Nascent.

Johnny Nascent Box.

Nah, it just ain’t flowin’. Damn shame too, becuz I bet peepil wood theenk i wuz reel samrt if i uzed dat werd.

By the way, Ed’s article was good, and an interesting read, so no use getting mad at me, for I am Johnny Devil’s Advocate from time to time. Although, he did seem a little, well, he had a tad of, er…Let’s just say that it’s odd that he seems to berate Sean McKeown for his”arrogance,” okay?

Another interesting thingy:

“If the rumors about Torment and its anti-discard mechanic, Madness…”

Wesley Chang

Now, the way I see it, Madness is hardly an anti-discard theme. If anything, it appears to be a bonus for the guy who takes the offense and liberally pitches cards. Consider Wild Mongrel for a moment. Pitching Obsessive Search, a blue instant that draws a card for Madness: U, lets you get a +1/+1 bonus and draw another card, thereby giving Mongrel another +1/+1 counter if you choose. Get that? With one card in hand, you can give Wild Mongrel +2/+2. Madness? Nah, how’s about Sickness? Or at least a very bad cold.

Don’t even bother to think about pitching Obsessive Search to any 1/1 Merfolk that reads:”Draw a card then discard a card from your hand.” Lemme see if I have this correct…

Activate said 1/1 Merfolk guy, drawing a card.

Pitch Obsessive Search and pay one to draw a card.

Is something a little unfair about that? Maybe someone could work some kind of combo around a mechanic like that. Oh, and it’s blue, thus just you wait ’til next year’s Extended season and the addition of Force of Will to the Madness.

Please make sure you don’t bother with cards like Frantic Search, Attunement (heh, it’s good again), Probe (now reads: pay 3UUB, draw four cards and discard one while throwing a Verdict at your opponents diz), or Cephalid Broker or Looter. Seriously, just leave those cards alone.

If Obsessive Search is real, and Madness is correct on the spoilers, then, all of a sudden, Tolarian Winds and Firestorm replace themselves and give you x for x. Spellshapers become stupid. The Rites give you an extra boost for a single blue mana. Acceptable Loses becomes disgusting in Limited. Sonic Burst becomes the best burn spell since Lighting Bolt. Volrath’s Dungeon is even more sickening. Krosan Archer doesn’t even cost you a card to pump. Masticore”drawback” is funny. Mind Over Matter will need to be banned in Type 1 (and it might already be for all I know). Psychatog gets even stupider. Kurt Hahn will make the minimum deck size three hundred cards and restrict or ban a ton of previously average to useless cards.

Or perhaps I exaggerate.

These ideas are all based on a simple card with Madness: U. But, per usual, perhaps I exaggerate the usefulness of the new mechanic. All right, maybe I do – but hey, I never promised you a rose garden, especially since you never put out.

Hey, maybe I’m just exaggerating.

Consider Fiery Temper, a 1RR instant that deals three to a dude or a dome for Madness: R. Pitching that bad boy to a Mongrel for the plus one and dealing three to something seems very much like a borderline idiotic dealio.

Or pitch a Basking Rootwalla (Madness: 0) and get not only a plus one, but a friggin’ 1/1 dude (that can become a 3/3) for free. Yes, free, as in”no mana at all to cast, yo.” Where’s Rancor when Stompy needs it?

Call me a silly little bitch, but Madness seems just that: mad as hell, dog. Card advantage – what’s that again? And why did we think it was better to draw cards than discard them?

Let’s run a hypothetical, kids, in which I will likely exaggerate.

On turn three, you have Mongrel in play and 3x Fiery Temper in your hand with two Karplusan Forest and a Mountain in play. You can turn your dude sideways, pitch the three Tempers to make Mongrel a 5/5 and do an additional nine to the dome. That’s fourteen damage on turn three. Fourteen friggin’ damage on freakin’ turn three. Or go with 4x Temper and seventeen damage if you wanna get jiggy with the unlikely turn four stuff. Yes, I’m aware that your opponent will not be dead and you will have very few – or zero – cards in hand, but hey, it’s a friggin’ hypothetical designed to beg the question of weather or not Madness is an aggressive mechanic, or simply an anti-discard strategy.

Perhaps Madness and the spoiler are just a pipe dream. But if either are based in reality even a little, Madness could be nutz as nutz can be.

Dear Wizards,




Odyssey is nowhere near the power level of Invasion, right? Let’s take a look and see, shall we?

(I know Gary”Boogieman” Wise wrote some similar stuff to what follows, but I wrote this over three weeks ago and don’t care and I change more diapers than he does – so I still win in every battle, in any format, clothed or nude, for free or on pay-per-view, and in whatever the hell country he relocated to for the express purpose of running from yours truly.)

Invasion cards that are being at least semi-widely played in Extended right now:

Crosis, The Purger (and he’s never, ever been actually cast)

Disrupt (I’ll give ya this one, even though it’s really a Weatherlight card)

Fact or Fiction


Urza’s Rage


You could make a case for Absorb, Addle, Armadillo Cloak, Obliterate, Recoil, Skizzik, Teferi’s Moat, and Yawgmoth’s Agenda – but that case wouldn’t hold much water, especially since most of the listed cards really haven’t seen much play in any established Net Decks.

Fact or Fiction, widely argued as the best card in Invasion, is not even included in the majority of blue decks. Heck, it’s too”slow” for Extended.

Odyssey cards that are being at least semi-widely played in Extended right now:

Barbarian Ring

Buried Alive (if you get Opt, then I get this)

Call of the Herd


Mystic Enforcer

Wild Mongrel

Zombie Infestation

You could make a case for Extract, Firebolt, Mystic Crusader, Reckless Charge, Syncopate, and Werebear, but that case would also be a little”iffy” at best.

Barbarian Ring, widely argued as a piece of crap when the spoilers hit (except by me, who has a fetish for”special” lands) is a virtual lock – which should be a”four of” with no questions asked – for any deck that sports more than a splash of red. But it’s too”slow” for Extended.

Without taking more than a few minutes browsing each respective set list, it certainly appears that Odyssey doesn’t suck, at least in Extended. So, all y’all naysayers can chill for a moment with this”Invasion rulez, Odyssey droolz” stuff.

And yeah, I probably missed a few cards here and there, but my point was made – accuracy is irrelevant considering that most readers will just trust my lists, or I’m liable to get drilled in the ‘nads and flamed out of my inbox.

“BTW, someone please beat the snot out of Mike Flores for calling the deck Trick. The deck is Trix so long as it has the Illusions-Donate combo… Even sans Necro the deck is still Trix.”

Seth Burn

Yeah, it’s still called”Trix.”

-Me, a while back

Dear Seth,

I just called to say I love you.


Johnny Crooner

See, when you are so very often incorrect, you copy and paste everything you can find that seconds whatever emotion you firsted, and run with it.

By the way, spending five days at the Mother-in-law’s cribbo is not exactly hella enlightening, nor a gaggle of fraggles and assorted sex-type thangs, even if it really should be.

But damn, is my sister-in-law a friggin’ hottie or what?

Not related by blood = not illegal, even in Georgia

I briefly considered building an Extended deck comprised solely of cards that Inquest has rated at”one star.” However, I think they got most of them right and realize that Inquest One-Star.dec is quite far from being ready for prime time. Check it:

Fatties of choice…

4x Serpent Warrior

4x Arctic Merfolk

That is not a combo. However, this is:

4x Atogatog

4x Coalition Victory

But if you added this…

4x Destructive Flow

You would sacrifice more than a little synergy, unless of course, you were going the”Atogatog/Coalition Victory/Basic Land Domain” route. Oh, and please do try that – I’m sure it is Type 2 technology.

4x Eager Cadet

4x Knight Errant

That’s a 1/1 for W and a 2/2 for 1W. Someone call Paul Sligh!

The Inquest One-Star Deck… Maybe next year. Speaking of next year, a few predictions are in order. Or, maybe they’re not in order, but they’re going to be typed to take up space. since I’ve pretty much run out of gimmicks and am losing any reader base that I’ve had in a pathetic attempt to hold onto my glory days much like those fat guys at the bar who swear to you that they could have been a Steeler if they didn’t blow out their knee in college.

I know I’ve used that reference before, but damn, it’s so friggin’ good that I felt a redux was called for.

Also, that’ll give me an easier article next year. Whoa…I just said”next year.” Can you say”stagnation?” Can you also say”Hi, I’ve been in the exact same place for two years?” What kind of upward mobility is there in the Magic writing community?

Let’s examine…

After achieving Featured Writer status, what is the next logical progression?

Well, there’s match coverage for the Sideboard, although it’s usually temporary or on a need you/don’t need you basis unless you be da’ big cheese like Jiggitty Josh and the like. What’s after that?

Well, there’s Scrye and Inquest. Okay, so maybe a lot of people wouldn’t consider that”moving up,” but it’s close enough. What’s after that?

Well, there’s, um, there’s, er… Write a book! Yeah, when exactly was the last Magic-related book released? 1997? Maybe?

You might think that I’m randomly bitching about random bitches here, but I’m surely not. Rather, this is a biting social commentary on the lack of opportunity for the brothers. Actually, it’s me becoming aware (all of a sudden-like) that being a random guy who writes random weekly articles for Star City Games is pretty cool, even if it is the top rung on my ladder. While PTQers can dream of making it to the show and cashing the big checks, Featured Writers can dream of, well, nothing, since we’ve pretty much maxed out – which is good times, because we can’t sell out. We don’t have to worry about staying on the Featured Writer Gravy Train. We don’t have to sweat some rating system that threatens to knock us down to random submissionist status.

We just write articles.

So, all y’all that piss and moan about the lack of quality articles on The Net, um, kindly chill for a moment and try to realize that, for virtually all of us, this is it; this is as far as we will go in the Magic community. Thus, if you can’t find something interesting to read, join us. Or not. Or so. Whatever.

Where was I? Oh.

1) Sol Malka will be kicked off the tour for having 4x Bayou in his sealed deck. (50% chance)

2) Wakefield will return to playing Magic because Asheron’s Call finally becomes much too”geeky.” (50% chance)

3) Star City and Brainburst will absorb a few other smaller sites, then will merge into one monster site. (10% chance)

4) I will win a PTQ. (1% chance, down from 3% last year)

5) But you won’t. (100% chance)

6) A virtual unknown will win a Pro Tour this year, and I mean it this time. (50% chance)

7) Team Academy will be investigated and it will come out that they’re not a real academy at all. (0% chance – peeps fear AndyStok because he’s 8’4″)

8) Mike Mason and Will Rieffer will have a bitter online feud that ends in a bloody counter war over a Blurred Mongoose. (1% chance if either of them come out of hiding and write another friggin’ article, dammit)

9) Blisterguy will tire of his”beep” thing and try”ding,””ringy-dingy,” and”ding dong” before finally settling on”Blisterguy: <—” (100% chance he’ll tire of it, 0% chance that he’ll change because he’s like Australian or something and still pissed that Yahoo Serious continues to be shunned by the American public)

10) Gary Wise. Yes, Gary Wise.

11) Mark Rosewater pet site, Magicthegathering.com (or some such) will become a huge success. However, Randy Buehler will get all the credit. (100% chance that Bennie Smith and I will give Randy the props either way)

12) Ice Age will rotate out of 1.x. Dual lands will also get the axe. (50% chance this year, 75% chance that it will ever happen)

13) Kai will lose a game, or at least get knocked below twenty life (probably from a painland) at a Pro Tour. (75% chance)

14) Someone will finally figure out what the converted mana cost of a split card is. (10% chance, ever)

15) Creatures with a printed-on-card toughness of zero will be a cycle in an upcoming set. (25% chance)

16) The most awful card ever will be printed, but will totally destroy the Extended season. (100% chance, but only if it can’t be Donated)

17) A high profile PT player will be caught cheating and subsequently disqualified without prizes. (100% chance, 0% if that player is wearing an”ABU” T-shirt)

18) A famous rock star/actor/whatever will come out of the closet and admit that they play Magic. (25% chance if it’s someone like Bill Gates, 0% otherwise)

19) I’ll meet Lauren Passmore at random event, then invent a saying that involves the use of her name, which will result in her falling madly in love with me, just like Becky and Jill have. (10% chance that I’ll meet her, but 100% if I do)

20) I’ll be kicked out of Magic by the community, and forced to read my own articles until I vomit. (5% chance since I’ll just hide behind AndyStok)

And there you have it: twenty things that may or may not happen in the year ‘aught two. Whoa, this is only twelve pages. How in the hell did I ever write twenty, thirty, and forty-plus page articles? And while we’re at it – why?

This is the end. (whisper)

This is the end. (a little louder)

This is the end. (louder still)

This is the end. (louder still)

This is the end. (louder still)

This is the end. (really friggin’ loud now)

This is the end. (almost screaming)

This is the end. (scream)

Q: What was that?

A: My way of saying”Wow, does Zack de la Rocha suck.”

Viva Chris Cornell!

John Friggin’ Rizzo