Title: Vote for Foghorn Leghorn
Tone: condescending
Intent: to persuade
“I would have voted for you, but you’re just not funny enough IRL.” –Osyp Lebedowicz
Hulluh, everyone. I’m sure it’s the thrill of your collective week that you actually get to read something of mine without paying for it. Before you get too excited, which I’m sure you actually didn’t since you presumably read the little front-page intro to this and hence know where I’m coming from…
Whoa, there. Lost my train of thought.
Oh, right. Before you get too excited, realize that this won’t be a regular occurrence and that I’m just here to plug myself. I know lots of you still like to pretend to be in the world of rainbows, fluffy kitties, and altruism, but that’s just not how this wonderful country of ours works. It’s a dog-eat-dog, you-scratch-my-back-I’ll-scratch-yours, rally-round-the-family-pockets-full-of-shells, every-man-for-himself, kill-whitey world out there. Furthermore, I know a solid 85% of you only read my articles looking for namedrops. Shame on all of you.
But I still love you. Vote for me.
As I write this, I’m in day one of Red Bull Diet Week, a week in which my roommate Adam Chambers and I are drinking four Red Bulls and water as our only food each day for a whole week. Morale is still fairly high, and I think the taurine is kicking in. I’m also listening to Britney Spears and nursing my killer new lipring that I got to try to impress people. I’m going through my 23/24-of-the-way-through-life crisis, I guess. None of this is ostensibly relevant; I’m just telling you so that you’ll be understanding if I come off as anything but the picture of geniality. I’m not in my right mind.*
I am thrilled, though, because this assignment actually specifically asked for me to do the thing I love more than anything else–make a top five list. Without further ado, then, here are my choices for…
Top Five Favorite “Pros”
5. Gabe Walls – Mr. Walls truly is a bundle of joy. His antics make every “fun” game he plays worth watching. He’s just one of those people who can make you smile no matter what he’s doing, whether it be chumming around with the Japanese barefoot, laughing barefoot, taking a pie to the face barefoot, or simply attacking for two. Barefoot. Don’t let his buffoonery fool you, though; the man is adept at casting spells. Don’t let his huggability fool you, either; he really hates it when you do that. Or maybe it’s just when -I- do it. Hm.
4. Antonino de Rosa – An-to-ni-no, he’s our man! If he can-not do it, no one can! That little chant seems rather sophomoric – or perhaps third-gradish, if you’d rather – until you realize that Antonino himself used to sing that song at events (using other people’s names of course). He also used to sing the “Lee Steht Song,” a priceless gem. I’ve already written about both of those songs, so I won’t go into further detail. Antonino is a good man, a pro tour mainstay, and despite what he’d like you to believe, rather intelligent. As is the case with Mr. Walls, Antonino can put on quite a good show while he’s playing. And you don’t know how much fun a plane trip can be until you sit next to Ant, Gerard Fabiano, and Jon Sonne, with Sonne rolling his eyes as the Italians try to squeeze yet another bounce spell into a Psychatog deck that already contains four copies of Repulse, Recoil, and Echoing Truth. Enough wacky hijinx to fill at least two episodes of Family Guy and one of The Simpsons, let me tell you.
3. Jeff Cunningham – When asked who my rival on the Pro Tour is, I didn’t hesitate to write this man’s name in. The source of our rivalry, of course, is that he does everything I do, except he does it better. He has a steady flow of impressive finishes, he’s an excellent writer, and he’s probably (and I admit this begrudgingly) the funniest man to add a mana to his pool. Well, there are a few others who have him beaten, like PTR and possibly Huey, but Jeff makes being funny seem so effortless. He has the unfair advantage of being Canadian, though. Americans will never be able to match our brethren to the North in mastery of irony and satire. The man’s so wry-bred he belongs in a deli. Zing!
2. Neil Reeves – Okay, I lied. I only consider Jeff to be the second-most humorous person to pick up the wand. That’s not just because he sounds exactly like a certain Warner Brothers chicken… he also possesses an ingrained mastery of timing and delivery, and he will say some of the most ridiculous things you’ve ever heard. The first time I saw J.T. Money’s name, it was high on the DCI U.S. Limited Rating page. I saw some random dude from Arkansas of all places with a 2050 rating (which was, relatively speaking, even better then), and I assumed foul play was afoot. I couldn’t possibly have been more wrong; JT$ is easily one of the top five Limited players of all time. I think I’ve won half or slightly more of the matches I’ve played against Neil. However, for all but one or two of my wins, Reeves was mulliganing and discarding, playfully instructing me on my best course of action as though he could see every card in my hand. Keep that in mind if you ever have to play against him: whatever you have, he knows you have it. He plays the part of the ignorant redneck masterfully, thanks in part to the whole Foghorn Leghorn thing, but it’s all an act, as everyone knows now. He probably brought the average IQ of Arkansas up a full point while he still lived there. I can’t help but admire the only person who’s ever pronounced my name “Ay-teeeun.”
1. Tim Aten – I just lost yet another match on Magic Online, bringing my losing streak up to something like 36. I’m all out of money on [my poker website of choice]. I can’t eat solid food for another six days because of a self-imposed embargo. Said self-imposed embargo is indicative of something far more sinister, namely underlying psychological issues the likes of which the world has never seen. My back still hurts from chasing Tamblyn at Nagoya after he stole my hoodie. I’m unemployed and ugly. I hate my best friends.** I don’t even want to talk about what my roommates are doing right now. What I’m trying to say is, if you can come up with a better candidate for the “sympathy vote,” I would simply love to hear it.
I’m sure I’ve given you a lot to think about. Thank you for your time. I’d stay here and chill with y’all, but I have to go rinse my mouth with salt water. It’s not easy being as cool as me, let me tell you.
LOVE TIM
*Am I ever? Durr burr.
**That’s a song lyric by The Stills, but it’s sort of an actual sentiment. The truth is more complicated, but we’ll just leave it at that for now.