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Ti Esrever Dna Ti Pilf

The Runner-Up for The Ferrett’s”Author I Wish Would Write More Often” Award turns in his semiannual submission… And this one’s a doozy! Bored with the usual tourney reports? Well, this one takes everything you ever knew about tournament reports and stands ’em on its head, with a twist that’s way more interesting than the end of Joe Millionaire.

By

[email protected]
The Scum of the Earth

Tim Aten

Until the joy drops again,


  • James Beeton: I don’t know if they have any treatment for Tourette’s, but you may want to look into that.

  • Geordie Tait: For bruising my ego

  • Vicki: Rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot.

  • Eisel barns #1 and 2

  • Canada

  • Blondman: for being as surly as your namesake

  • School

Slops:


  • Eric“EDT” Taylor: For winning the PTQ

  • Gabe Walls: For being so goshdarned huggable

  • Chris Benafel: For being really funny despite his thinly-veiled hatred of me

  • Big Johnny Wolbert: A nice guy, always fun to hang out with

  • Joey Bags: For telling me to include random people in my Props list so it wouldn’t look like I was a no-good name-dropping barnacle

  • Dave Harbarger: for owning the best goshdarned store in the state of Ohio – no, the country – no, the world, SS a.k.a. Compendium

  • Tara Slone and Missy Elliott: : )

  • Anyone who liked the article

Props:

I had some cereal, half a bagel, and half a donut.

As I left that hotel, I decided my play was to just drive home. And if I fell asleep at the wheel and died, all the better; that would show Vicki, wouldn’t it? Well, no. After driving for another fifteen minutes I stopped by an ATM, pulled out my last $100, and stopped at a different hotel; they still accept cash, apparently. I slept for a decent amount of time, woke up around 7:15 (pre-empting the alarm by three hours and nine minutes… I told you I’m a huge dork, although not quite big enough to write”Grandma take me home” in magic marker on my Slivers at the PTQ), and had breakfast.

I’d like to say the trip home was uneventful. I hadn’t gotten much sleep, and may in fact be mildly narcoleptic, so I was naturally falling asleep at the wheel. I stopped by a hotel, where I believe Vicki told me that I couldn’t use my credit card there since it was in my mom’s name, despite my signature being the authorized one on the back of the card. I seriously deliberated puncturing her carotid artery with a pen, since I was delirious and my life’s a sham and I have nothing to lose… But I took my beats and moved on to a different hotel, where the same thing occurred again.

As yet another aside, I just realized something thanks to Joey Bags, who is watching me write this. Not only did I put my thang down flip it and reverse it, but the form of this article also follows”the stack.” Wrap your minds around that one. Proving once again that my subconscious is cleverer than my conscious. And that I’m a huge dork.

To be fair, I would have rather gotten half the cash than James Beeton, but oh well.

Eric Taylor went on to get the slot, splitting the cash down the middle with finalist James”Whatta Huge” Beeton. Good for him, I say; I’d rather have him win than anyone. He’s a hero to us all. He’s like the crazed hippie uncle I never had.

Game 2 was a swift beating. He played turn 2 Anurid Brushhopper, turn 3 guy, turn 4 guy, bla bla bla. He played a plains which I would later discover was being used to splash an Exalted Angel. Game 3, he played turn 4 Soulless One, turn 5 Noxious Ghoul to kill my Seaswift. Huhluhluh. His draws weren’t nearly as good as Eric Taylor the next round – but as I mentioned, I don’t really want to dwell on it. What happens happens.

But pragmatically speaking, justice was served because what actually happened that he had forgotten what life he was at and proceeded with his actions in the wrong order. And yet I felt like a bag.

He says”Wait; in response, I cycle Gempalm Polluter.” I turn to the judge, and with very little venom in my voice, I simply ask,”Are you gonna allow that?” An honest question; I had only a hint of being incredulous in my voice. The judge ruled in my favor, which was a good thing. The ruling really could have gone either way. I had him on intent… He clearly meant to Rot, let it resolve, Rot again, let it resolve. He wasn’t”holding down Ctrl,” as Modoers would say. He had me on procedure, though; there was reasonable doubt as to whether he was yielding priority.

For game 1, I kept a six-land hand with a Mistform Seaswift. I drew into a reasonable number of spells, but I was behind the whole game. At the end of a key turn, I was at ten and he was at nine. (Aside #1,024: How come some people say”on” instead of”at?””I’m on twelve.””He’s on ten.” It sounds awkward and weird.) He Rots for three, putting him at six and me at seven. He untaps, draws, and rots. He’s at three, I’m at four. He Rots again… I’m down to one, but he’s dead. I make the last statement aloud, and controversy ensues.

Quarterfinals – Joe Durante (B/w/r)

Anyway (derf)…

I had thought that green fatties would be my nightmare matchup. Apparently the only other black drafter at the table was a bigger threat. His deck seemed to be monoblack, and he had Soulless One and some good red removal. I probably would’ve beaten anyone else bla bla got bad draws bla bla he was so lucky bla bla.

As far as the”deck sensing it” part, that’s just speculation, of course. I’m probably talking out of my behind; people who know me would say that I’m, as my dad says”Crazier’n a pet coon.”

Not bad, not bad. Plenty of removal, plenty of fliers… Looking back on it, I’m sort of disappointed that I didn’t win, even though I wasn’t at first. My goal at the time was to top 8 again; I wanted to start small. Since I attained my goal, I sort of stopped caring… And my deck sensed it. I really wanted to qualify for San Diego, and I did it… And then promptly stopped winning for awhile. At least I can attain reasonable goals.

Cabal Archon

Crown of Suspicion

Cruel Revival

Disciple of Malice

Fallen Cleric

Rotlung Reanimator

2 Severed Legion

Skinthinner

Smother

2 Vile Deacon

Backslide

Choking Tethers

Echo Tracer

Imagecrafter

Keeneye Aven

2 Mistform Seaswift

Mistform Shrieker

Riptide Biologist

Willbender

8 Swamp

2 Barren Moor

8 Island

Draft Decklist

I’m not going to dwell too much on the top 8, since I didn’t win a round, but I will list the deck. I felt like I did a decent job despite choosing to take the least-viable color combination.

How does that feel? What am I talking about, you ask. How does what feel, you ask. Well, my brilliant form-follows-function ploy of making you wait as long to get to the top 8 portion of the report as I spent waiting when the events actually went down. I was in 5th place… Finally, Big Ern is above the law! I can buy my way out of anything! Where are those girls?

Let me write that again: Geordie. Tait. Laughed. At Me.

Only a few times does my ego come into play. Once was when Rodman started winning despite being about as good at Magic as Shaq is at Astrophysics, and most recently of course, was when Geordie Tait laughed at me.

2) It’s really stupid. I’m just here to have fun playing anymore.

1) A lot of people respect my skill (I already know I’m going to be a laughingstock in #pinks because of that line…have fun pasting it, RyanG you CHM you!)

Does anyone really care who’s better than who? (Sadly, yes.) I’ve almost stopped my crusade to convince people that I’m good because:

First off, I don’t know that I’m below EDT in play skill. I’d say we’re pretty close to even. Second, my exact statement was that there were no more than three people better than me in the room; he named two. I rest my case. It’s not like I was in a room full of pros… And there were several people, like Herber-heeeeeeezy and Gabe Walls (but not Andrew”Your Slice and Dice Resolves With Me Having No Response Despite Controlling Goblin Sledder and a 4/4″ Gravlin) who are on the same level as me. But not better.

Anyway, I’m quick to semi-retract my statement because – while it is true – it makes me sound like I have a madness cost of 2G. Geordie, still incredulous, refutes my statement with,”How can you say that… I mean, Chris Benafel’s here, EDT’s here…”

This quasi-stream-of-consciousness writing style must be an interesting read for you people. Especially when it’s backwards. I think I use”anyway” more than any writer in the history of writin’ stuff.

Geordie scoffs and cannot contain his laughter. (Is that pronounced Jordy or Gordy? I think Jordy. The non-sequitur count is now up to”one for every topping on the table.”) He just doesn’t know who I am, for starters. Most of the”good” people know me well enough… I don’t want to drop names **cough cough Geddes Cooper** but let’s just say a lot of people recognize my skills in Limited formats. I was thinking right afterward how maybe I’m not that good at Magic, and maybe he was right not to give me my alleged due. But after some reflection, I think a fair appraisal of my skill is”generally very good, better than 99% of people who aren’t on the Tour, but prone to careless play.” Gary Wise knows a thing or two about being good despite careless play. Heh.

As an aside, since I’m once again on the topic of my recent poor results, I’d like to make a quick comment on why this is so: While I sit there drawing land after land, a few provinces away is Richie Haeiou-and-sometimes-y-n, getting game wins because his opponents aren’t showing morphs after the game. Maybe I’m just not hungry enough to employ such tactics. I can’t really say anything bad about Mr. Hoaen in this department, since he’s just using the rules to gain any advantage possible. It’s not cheating; it’s the limit of what you can do to win without cheating. Free game wins. How lucky. I’d feel bad doing that… I just make them show their morphs. Anyway…

Yes, the Geordie Tait. I was too nervous to get him to sign my Licids, but we had some conversation. I was talking to him about how I’d probably get Munsoned, and about how I didn’t deserve my recent poor results because”I don’t think I’m going on a limb here by saying that there are at most three people in the room who are better than me.” At this point, I have to play the waiting game. I haven’t made a top 8 in so long that I have a nagging suspicion that I’m going to get Munsoned out of the top 8, finishing in the much-maligned 9th place. Having nothing better to do, I sit and watch JeanMarc, hoping he will ride his dragons to a win to help my tiebreakers. Watching him play was his friend Geordie Tait.

Intentional draw; 5-1-1

Round 7 – Nathan Bramlett

5-1

My match wasn’t really interesting… We both played some guys both games, but mine were better so I won. In game 2, I put him away by cycling my Hystrodon into an Island to morph my Ascending Aven.

At the start of this round, the kid sitting next to me is complaining about how bad his deck is. At this point, Big Johnny Wolbert, who is sitting behind me, turns around and says,”That’s B.S.!! I played this guy last round and he had Akroma and Slice and Dice.” Judge Shawn Jeffries pulls Mr. Wolbs aside and rewards him with an Unsportsmanlike. In the kid’s defense, he was playing Indefensible Maneuvers. Any deck with that card couldn’t be too good.

Round 6 – Nigel Higdon (G/r/b)

4-1

In game 1, I play turn 2 Alchemist, turn 3 Wall, turn 4 Skill. You’ve never heard so much whining. In his defense, though, he whined considerably less than the average player would have. Game 2, he said”go” a lot for the first several turns, which made me afraid to commit too much to the board. Sometime around turn 7, he played a Kilnmouth Dragon, and yes, he amplified it with an Imperial Hellkite. I flipped my Echo Tracer and reversed it, sending the monster back to his hand. I attacked him to ten, and he replayed the Dragon. I killed it on my next turn with four combat damage, three Solar Blast damage, and two Lavamancer’s Skill damage. He starts to play more creatures, but I have plenty of gas in the tank.

Round 5 – JeanMarc Babin (R/G/u)

3-1

Mistakes that don’t matter since I”would have lost anyway” are my favorite to make. I’m pretty good at gauging those, as opposed to costly blunders. Game-costing mistakes are my next favorite; I like to pay for my crimes. And I like others to pay, too. My least favorite kind of mistakes, for me or others, are those that don’t matter because the buffoon wins anyway. I’m embarrassed when I play badly and still win. And I can’t count all the times on mine, PTR’s, and RyanG’s hands how frequently my opponent messed up, I told them about it, and after finding out that they did in fact play badly, they shrug and say”Eh, mise… I still won!!” Rodman was notorious for that before he drank some bleach and drove off a cliff.

Game 1, he plays a turn 3 Wirewood Savage. I try to outrace his beasts with my Covert Op and flyers, but going first was just too big of an advantage for him, and I succumb. Game 2 was very similar to the first game. He had a turn 3 Savage, which I killed with my Skilled Biologist. I pretty much lost when he Shocked that. I made an irrelevant bad play when I thought Magma Sliver pumped itself up equal to its power and not the number of Slivers in play.

Even though this was the round I lost, I must honestly say that Ron was a blast to play against. His comments to himself and to no one in particular about the game state are very amusing. That’s all I ask anymore, now that I know I’m never going to win again. Entertain me.

Round 4 – Ron Wetherell (G/R)

3-0

I had no sympathy. I have very little sympathy for any Magic-related beats. I’ve seen it all and experienced most of it first-hand. At this point, if you’re going to tell me a story, it had better be good. Even my tale of woe from the previous week,”He topdecked a Mythic Proportions…for his Havoc Demon…” is at the very least borderline mundane by this point. If you do it very skillfully, though, I will listen intently. Before she quit, Liz Lempicki used to be very good at this.”Oh, look, another land! I know I have spells in the deck. You win. Look! Look at my deck. Here are my lands, and here are my spells. I only have six more lands left in my deck. Whatever.”

Game 2, he mulligans into a hand with no Plains. He plays some morphs and a Heedless One/One, but I have no trouble handling these threats. He was visibly frustrated the whole game.

Game 1 he gets a pretty good elf draw, but I stabilize fairly easily by Cloning a Timberwatch Elf. With Lavamancer’s Skill, and my Elf, I feel confident in my odds of winning. He drops a Glarecaster, but I naturally have the only card in my deck that can kill it (Solar Blast) in hand. I win this game by Invoking him for the full amount.

Ryan Walsh is a fairly nice guy from Canada. He actually didn’t say too much, so I guess it would be more accurate to say he looked like a nice guy. If that makes any sense. (Although, to be honest, you’ve probably figured out that I don’t care either way whether it makes any sense.) When he sits down, he seems to be”That Guy,” and I tell him so; I say,”You look like the type of guy who’s gonna manascrew me.” It turns out that my normally-adept ESP skills were a little off.

Round 3 – Ryan Walsh (G/W)

2-0

Game 2, I get a really curvaceous draw, and he tries in vain to race me in the air. On turn 7 or 8, I topdeck land 7 (which happens to be a Forest) to flip and reverse my Towering Baloth and don’t have much trouble winning from there.

Aaaahahah. Hahaha. Hah. Mm.

Anyhoo, game 1 I face-up an Aphetto Alchemist with Skill in hand. The turn I’m about to play Skill on the Alchemist I draw Mistform Wall and play it. He plays a morph, then I put the skill on the Wall and kill his morph, which turned out to be Bane of the Living. With the crisis averted, I use my superior Skill to win the game.

I apologize to my opponent, but I can’t remember his name. I believe it was Christopher. I’ll find out when I look at my match history.

Round 2 – ???? (B/W/r)

1-0

Just kidding. Game 1, as I did pretty much the whole day, I get a nice smooth curve of spells and plenty of lands to go with them. At one point I put my Weaver of Lies down, flipped it and reversed it, and turned my Skirk Marauder face-down. Mise tings beats and gas!!! In game 2, he got a turn 2 Oversold Cemetery and quickly got four creatures in the yard, including a Cabal Archon. Fortunately for me, he decided not to ever recurse the Archon. At one point he was at eleven life with three creatures on the board (including an Embalmed Brawler with a counter on it), and I had three creatures…so I use Flamewave Invoker to put him at six, attack (he loses one because he has to block), and Invoke again for the win.

Round 1 – Gary Smolinski (B/U/R)

I got manascrewed both games and dropped. The end.

Round 1 – Gary Smolinski

Aphetto Alchemist

Ascending Aven

Clone

Covert Operative

Echo Tracer

Keeneye Aven

Mistform Dreamer

Mistform Wall

Riptide Biologist

Weaver of Lies

Battering Craghorn

Blade Sliver

Flamewave Invoker

Goblin Sledder

Lavamancer’s Skill

Macetail Hystrodon

Magma Sliver

Skirk Marauder

Skittish Valesk

Solar Blast

Barkhide Mauler

Towering Baloth

8 Island

8 Mountain

2 Forest

Sealed Decklist:


  • “In the someday, what’s that sound?” – Nirvana,”I Hate Myself and Want to Die”

  • “Swell the black sails with wind, and let me reap my rewards and start again.” – Joydrop,”The Line”

  • “My kizzer!” – Missy Elliott,”Gossip Folks”

  • “Time won’t make things better.” – Sum 41,”Still Waiting”

But first some song lyrics:

I get to the site and see a few friends: Gabe Walls, Big Johnny Wolbert, James Beeton, Herber-heeeeezy, and Eric Taylor, to name a few. No Max McGuffin, fortunately. There were 94 people in all – and luckily for you, O glazed-eyed reader, nothing significant happened before the tournament. So I finally have to write about Magic. Sigh.

You may think I’m a huge bag who abandoned his friend, but I say get a license.

The drive up to Detroit was really boring, since for the first time ever, I went alone. Bags and Mike had to work, and King couldn’t get a ride to my house. Here’s my rationale for not picking King up, which I usually do. King’s house is in the exact opposite direction of the tournament, so the ride would have stretched to about four and a half hours each way if I picked him up, for a total of nine hours of driving. I would never drive a total of nine hours for a simple PTQ, so if I had to pick King up, I just wouldn’t go. Two and a half hours each way is manageable, so I trekked it alone.

Now that the important part of the article is out of the way, it’s time for the mindless drudgery that is the actual tournament report. I would have written”tournament report proper,” but I did that last time I wrote a report. I felt like a big enough tool writing it once, let alone multiple times. Hence, I opted for the less-professional-sounding option.

At Pro Tour Chicago this year, Farid came up to a crowd of people including Peter Szigeti. Farid, who may or may not speak any languages fluently, asks PTR,”Pocher?” PTR expresses that he doesn’t understand what Farid is talking about. Farid says”me?” and points to ptr, then says”you?” and points to a distant wall. He may have meant”Pro Tour” or”poker,” but we’ll probably never know. You can say this at absolutely any time, much like”Sooooo…her?” Also, it can be used interchangeably with”poker.”

Pocher?:

The interesting thing about this expression is that two giant dorks, Gary Wise and myself, spontaneously came up with this one on an individual basis. It is used to describe cards or situations in which the end game is near, as Eisel’s Magic Online nickname is ThatsGameBoys. Can be used sarcastically or whatever the opposite of sarcasm is; I’m not very smart and have no desire to get a thesaurus out. (side note:”That’s game, boys!” was originated by Kenny Hsiung in the summer of 2001). Examples:”I tap six mana and play Nick Eisel the Dreadful;” (you cast a Cephalid Pathmage that you had to include as a 23rd card)”Nick Eisel, Nick Eisel right there!”

Nick Eisel:

From Kingpin, this phrase is usually used the way it is found in the dictionary. It can be said at pretty much any time. Example:”Justin Polin, a manchild…”

Manchild:

The final reduction of the phrase that started out as”how lucky.” First it was”how lucky.” Then it became”how locky” or”how laucky” (the latter is the preferred spelling, but either is acceptable) because of people like Antonino de Rosa, if my sources are correct. Next, thanks to Mike Turian, it devolved into”How Loooky” and then”How Roooky.” Now we all just mumble it. Most recently, it has been turned into an Indian chant that may be accompanied by a tomahawk chop and a war dance.”HUH-luh-luh-luh, HUH-luh-luh-luh…”

Huh-luhluh:

From Kingpin; in fact, pretty much any reference to Kingpin is in vogue in the Ohio region. This is customarily said to a friend at the start of a match if his deck is really bad or his opponent’s is really good.

Goooood Luck:

Somewhat versatile, as it can be used after either you or your opponent makes a pretty good or bad play. Should be spoken in a European accent. This was originally said by Eivind Nitter to Jason Opalka in round 1 of Pro Tour San Diego when Mr. Nitter used his Aboshan, Cephalid Emperor to tap down King’s lone Mountain during combat. He smiled and said the quote to his European friends with King sitting right there and watching on in agony.

Good Play, Yah?:

What is done to morph creatures after you’ve put your thang down; by now you should have figured out what this is in reference to (note the preposition to end the sentence).

Flip it and Reverse It:

The format for this section will be Nickname (Card, who it’s named after). I’m not going to bother not putting these in reverse-non-un-alphabetical order. This is tedious enough as it is. Adam (Treespring Lorian, local player Adam Loring); Eivind (Boneknitter, Eivind Nitter); Louis (any Baloth, Canadian gamer Louis Baloth); Brock (Venomspout Brackus, Robert”Brock” Cards); Dave (Dive Bomber); Lawrence (Leery Fogbeast); Steve (Riptide Biologist, Steve”Mother*#$%^ Riptidebiologist); Murray (Barkhide Mauler, Canadian gamer Murray Evans); Gwen (Doubtless One, Gwen Stefani); Josh (Sparksmith, Boston legend Josh Smith); a few others that are too mean to include

Creature Nicknames:

From Billy Madison. It’s most frequently used to describe bad players who have the potential to steal games off you. One time Kenny Hsiung got Rand to set fire to SS by saying”Rand…a buffoon, yet a threat!” repeatedly.

“A buffoon, yet a threat”:

Haha! I got cho ass.

Finally, we’ve arrived at the much-anticipated slang section – much anticipated by me, anyway, since I’ve been writing in circles for the past few paragraphs to let the gimmick sink in. Like I’m about to say, here are some entries in alpahabetical order, just like I did with the SS dossiers, when in actuality, they are in reverse alphabetical order.

Don’t think for one second I’m going to let you read the tournament report yet. I haven’t forgotten about the lingo and slang. Of course, in retrospect, since this report is written backwards, crafty readers can skip ahead to the report without any effort whatsoever. Whoops.

Well, that went on for longer than I had anticipated. Oh well. If you were bored enough, you probably read it anyway. I don’t care either way. It’s not like I have anything better to do than write pointless things that no one cares about. Ah, the existential vacuum. (See how I just used a big word to distract you from how badly this paragraph is going? All the good writers do that. Sometimes they also take a few pages to describe a door for a similar effect).

Nickname: Slippy, Slappy, Samsonite

Modo Accounts: CursedScroll12

Claims to Fame: is one of the biggest (not fattest, though) people I’ve ever seen; unabashedly honest about others’ shortcomings; another rising star

Archnemesis: Aaron Cutler

Quote: (to local player”Hot” Karl Scott; spoken without any jest or exaggeration)”See, Karl, this is why you never win. That is the single worst play I have ever seen in my life.”

Name: Erik Swanson


Nickname: The General, Pergola from Compendium

Modo Accounts: (none)

Claims to Fame: worships BillF as a God; has hair that looks like a helmet; a buffoon yet a threat

Quote:“Did I stutter?;” (anything Bill says)

Archnemesis: Aaron Cutler

Name: Jason Opalka


Nickname: King, Roy Munson

Modo Accounts: Munson_Roy_E

Claims to Fame: blows poker winnings by buying rounds of drinks and by playing more poker; dates girls with”big coats;” charismatic and responsible for lots of Magic lingo, including”mise” if memory serves; once, while drunk, spent a good half-hour talking about how everyone craps his pants from time to time

Archnemesis: Mike Aten

Quote:“Pardon?;””Oh, PLEASE””Hi…hi!;””Point taken, Mitch,” countless others

Name: Tom Pergola


Nickname: Burger King Jeremy, or BKJ

Modo Accounts: (none)

Claims to Fame: a rising star who should be winning a PTQ soon; stays at SS as late as 5 a.m. on school nights

Archnemesis: Tony Chopcinski

Quote:“Would you like fries with that?”

Name: Jeremy Niehaus


Nickname: Joey Bags

Modo Accounts: JoeBags

Claims to Fame: the third SS shopkeep; has a TommyBoy-esque dedication to keeping SS gamers amused; a connoisseur of”hippie music” (to be explained later)

Archnemesis: Nick Eisel

Quote:“Hi…not you…;””Great stuff!”

Name: Joe Gagliardi


Nickname: Rhino, Snacks

Modo Accounts: (I forget, but who cares anyway? I mean if I don’t even care, how can I expect you to?)

Claims to Fame: Singlehandedly keeps SS in business with purchases of Butterfinger bars; runs the full”bowl cut” underneath a hat with a rhino on it

Archnemesis: Aaron Cutler

Quote: doesn’t really talk much, on account of he usually has a damned Butterfinger in his mouth

Name: Dan Fries


Nickname: BillF

Modo Accounts: Soooooo, ThatsGameBoys

Claims to Fame: the second SS shopkeep; likes to lift up his whole shirt to reveal his nipple rings to people; flexes a lot; has dirty hands from working at UPS

Archnemesis: Tim Aten

Quote:“Ow, ow;” other things that Opalka says

Name: Bill Fegan


Nickname: Clariax

Modo Accounts: Clariax

Claims to Fame: had a string of good PTQ finishes in the Chicago and Venice seasons; may be the only person on Earth with bigger glasses than me

Archnemesis: LaFours

Quote: He probably has one, I dunno. Maybe the”quotes” field wasn’t such a good idea. I guess I can just make one up. How about…um…”I’ll show YOU stupid!!”

Name: Aaron Cutler


Nickname: Nether

Modo Accounts: TheNether

Claims to Fame: Got some action in a cemetery after a Tool concert; is significantly less creepy now; has hair that is over 13 colors

Archnemesis: Joe Gagliardi

Quote: (none)

Name: Tony Chopcinski


Nickname: The German Juggernaut

Modo Accounts: jessefromcompendium

Claims to Fame: qualified for 2002 JSS championships; once dealt 5 or more damage to an opponent in three consecutive games

Archnemesis: Brian”Young Master” Fulop

Quote: Don’t know, we really don’t pay much attention to him

Name: Jesse Catania


Nickname: (none)

Modo Accounts: 10:24, cupofjoe

Claims to Fame: According to a report by Osyp Lebedowicz, who has never once lied or exaggerated in his entire life, he is one of the 5 best players in the country; captain of Modo clan The Scum of the Earth.

Archnemesis: Elijah Pollock

Quote:“Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup I.” (yes, I actually say this);”This is Spoon… I got cho ass!”

Name: Tim Aten


Nickname: Igby

Modo Accounts: chester6561

Claims to Fame: one of three SS Shopkeeps; once staged a successful 500-man anti-marijuana rally in Honolulu

Archnemesis: any carbon-based life form

Quote:“I hate fun!”

Name: Mike Aten


The”metagame” at Compendium is shifting again. Gone are such allstars as Rodman and Curtis (although I think we’ll be seeing more of Curtis in the near future); new masters are rising to take their place. Here are some of the more prominent gamers at SS, in alphabetical order:

Didn’t think so.

As usual, I’m not going to rush right into the tournament report. First, I’m going to talk about people you’ve never heard of and probably don’t care about. Then I’m going to discuss some local lingo/slang that you will find stupid and pointless. Then, and only then, will you get to find out how I did at the PTQ, or even where it was. (I top 8ed, you buffoon, remember? And it was in Detroit, Michigan). So if you have something better to do, then don’t read the article. Well…do you have anything better to do?

I hate to ruin the suspense of the article, but I finally made top 8 in Onslaught sealed, but lost first round of the top 8. Like I said, for me this was a disappointment, but it was also a moral victory. Most of my friends who are really good at Magic have had no trouble winning Onslaught Sealed PTQs. Besides myself, a notable exception to this is Matt Rubin. I don’t think he’s been able to make it to round 5 without accumulating two losses. I’ve made it to round 5 a few times, but never round 6.

Also, I plan on writing up a Legions limited review for each color in the near future. I may not be a Nick Eisel, but I’ve played the format a lot and have a pretty good bead on things.

Hello again barns, and hulls. I wanted to write a tournament report, and I usually wait until I actually win something to give my words more credence – but with my luck recently, I’ll take what I can get. Sometimes the writing bug just bites. Specifically, I wanted to write a backwards tournament response in homage to Missy Elliott. It may be hokey and annoying to read, but I had to try it.”Is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my thang down flip it and reverse it.

“Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i. Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i.”

– Missy Elliott,”Work It”

This is a Timmy Aten one-time exclusive.