Attack of the Week of Lists, Part 4, Now With Special Bonus List!

For the fourth entry in his entertaining Week of Lists, Mark blatanty steals Tim Aten’s schtick. You want the lowdown on the Team Names from Pro Tour Chraleston? You got it!

It’s raining in Washington, DC as I write this. It’s been raining since last weekend, and raining hard. Trees have come up out of the ground because their roots are too saturated with water to remain stable. Gutters are so flooded that walking close to the street is like begging for a shower of tepid rainwater. Dogs and cats are lying down together in whatever dry spaces can be found, and I expect we will soon be at the mercy of an army of super-intelligent mutant cogs. I can only take solace in the words of my late grandfather, who used to say that such thunderstorms were “like a big cow peeing on a flat rock.”

No, I don’t really know what all that has to do with today’s list. You’ll have to cut me a break, the thunder has been keeping me up all night and I’m dead tired.

Bottom 10 Team Names at Pro Tour Charleston

Tim Aten has written four articles in the past calendar year, so while I acknowledge that he would be better at doing this than I would, there’s no guarantee we’ll get it from him anytime soon. So, if you think I “stole” this idea from him, as I was (wrongfully) accused of doing with Monday’s Daily, at least take solace in this fact: if Tim does write a team name analysis, he’ll get to riff on the team names and make fun of me at the same time, and we all know how well Tim makes fun of me.

10. Double SHU desu
I think this translates to “We are double Shu.” You may not believe this, but there are two gentlemen named Shu on the team. They finished 19th, though, so I guess all of their creative power went into the deck design.

9. Donkeys R Us
Yes, yes, you play poker but you want us to think you are awful. If there is one team-name gimmick that used to be funny and now is simply done to death, it’s the “we’re all terrible” plan.

8. D.A.M!!!
See, we took the first letters of our first names, which just happens to sound like a semi-dirty word, and added three exclamation points! Not one or two but three!

Yes! Our devious abuse of the letter “A” will make us the first team on the list! Bwahahahaha! Huh? Wha… Damn it!

6. Circle around the Block?
You know? What really annoys? Me? Random question? Marks for no reason? They’re almost as bad as guys who steal a gimmick from a more popular premium writer.

5. Eight And A Half Tails
Get it? He’s not even legal in the tournament! Hahahahahahaha *cries*

4. Te Concerdo
If my Spanish isn’t too rusty, this is “I concede to you.” As you might expect, the “we’re all terrible” gimmick doesn’t work in other languages, either.

3. Bob Saget AKA Danny Tanner
Alex Majlaton would have gotten there had the team been named simply Bob Saget. Sadly, too many words = death of humor.

2. The Killer Bees
You mean to tell me that all of their first names start with “B”!? Get outta here!

1. Two-Headed Giant
On the Top8Magic podcasts, Mike Flores said they were considering the names Bend it Like Becker, Bad Times for Becker, and Two-Headed Giant. You chose… poorly. Personally, I thought Bend it Like Becker would have been great.

The thing about this name is, the “one of our players is terrible” gimmick is just as bad as the “we’re all terrible” gimmick. Plus, it’s not even the best way to mock Mike; if you wanted to do that, clearly the right name would have been Find a Ride Home.

Before I get to the best team names, special mention goes to SL.UT, who somehow managed to get their name past the censors and onto the first roster posted on the Web, only to be utterly erased from existence afterward. I love it when that happens.

Top 10 Team Names at Pro Tour Charleston

10. Boo Boo Sucks Poor
Of all the names, which say, “we’re all terrible,” this was the only one I liked. Assuming that’s what it’s supposed to mean. It’s kind of hard to tell. That’s why I liked it.

9. Vanilla Ice
Somehow this is a much funnier name for a Japanese team (which it was) than it would have been for an American team. I can’t explain it: just imagine Kenji Tsumura dressed like Vanilla Ice, and then imagine Billy Moreno or Osyp dressed like Vanilla Ice. I think Kenji wins. If you disagree, that’s what forums are for.

8. Mumbling Scum
I mean, how many people do you see at your average Magic tournament who fit this description? Seems to put this team name firmly in the It’s Funny Because It’s True camp.

7. I Pity the Phu
If you feel that you must put a team member’s name in the team’s name (in this case, Phu Q. Dao, which looks like a good name for a porn star), then this is a pretty good example of how to do it.

6. Octopus Disco
Of all of the “collection of random words” team names, this is my favorite. Honorable mention goes to Fat Wasabi Cracker.

5. Superheroes
The thing about simple names is, they sound great at the start of the phrase “… have just won the Pro Tour!” Honorable mention to Party Boys for the same reason. Returning to Superheroes, do you think this name have been as good if the team members were newbies, instead of well-known pros (Soh, Remie, Warmenhoven)? Discuss!

4. Limit Break
Sounds cool and tough without actually meaning anything. Also makes me think of the movie “Point Break,” which is always good for some unintentional comedy.

3. The Longest Team Name In The
Only on the condition that this is exactly the name they sent in. If they actually sent in something like “The Longest Team Name In The History of the $1,000,000 Magic The Gathering Pro Tour” and got cut off, that’s just lame.

2. Playing with Mrs Cunningham
Jeff Cunningham is going to regret his housing situation at PT: Honolulu until the day he dies, isn’t he?

1. Punting Baxter
To all those people who name their teams “More Cowbell” or something like that… this is how you should be doing it. You make your references a little indirect: that way, people have to think for a second, then they figure out what you’re referring to, then they laugh. Plus, the name induced Aaron Forsythe to make a highly awkward “That’s how they roll” joke in the coverage, which might have been the funniest thing I’ve read all year. A-plus work from Messrs. Ravitz, Lebedowicz, and Fiorillo.

Join me tomorrow when I correct an oversight from my previous Daily.

Mark Young