Ask the Editor, 12/16/2004

Can we, your loyal readers, hear the tale of your greatest Magic-related drinking session and the antics that ensued?

allo good sir knut,

Can we, your loyal readers, hear the tale of your greatest magic-related drinking session and the antics you had?

-gavin ‘the brockster’ carville

Dear person who types with an accent,

Here we go again with the questions that are going to get me in trouble for putting them on the front page. It’s like you guys want me to get my ass chewed out or something.* At this point, I think I’ve actually cataloged my greatest Magic-related bouts of inebriation… in fact, I’ve probably done it more often and with greater detail than almost any other Magic writer out there, which is weird because I don’t get drunk that often. In fact, I was completely sober last weekend when I took part in an Unhinged drunken draft and Type 4 soiree at Tybuckminster Fuller’s house. If you’ve never run the drunken Unhinged draft (and you are 21 years of age or older), I highly recommend it.

Since I’ve been writing about said exploits for a while now, it’s entirely possible that our newer audience has missed out on many of them. Therefore the time has come for a sort of “Greatest Hits” episode here at Ask the Editor, where I recount the best of my drunken exploits for all the public to see.

Obligatory Warning: I’m an idiot, kids. Don’t follow in my footsteps. Also don’t try this at home, or on a train, or in a plane, or on fox with sox on bricks and blocks with ticks and tocks. Drugs are bad, mmkay? And Budweiser advises you to drink responsibly this holiday season, so get right on it!

Honorable Mention) Halloween with the TOGIT kids at Pro Tour Columbus (November 2004)

Osyp relayed most of the details of this one, but the party was thumpin’, the bridesmaids were hot, and trying to hookup the TOGIT guys with random girls at the party was a helluva lot more fun than I expected it to be.

5) Playing Baked In The Bean Bracket (September 2002)

This is the one that started it all. Gary Wise called this one of the most courageous Magic articles of all time last weekend (but he may have been reeeeeaaally drunk when he said it). I wouldn’t go that far, but it definitely put my ass on whatever map Magic writers asses are put on. This is what The Ferrett had to say when he originally published it, every word of which is true:

“I wonder,” said The Ferrett, ruminating on the uncanny amount of potheads who play Magic, “Whether playing stoned makes it easier or worse. I mean, it’d be more complicated… But on the other hand, everything might fall together. Either way, it’d make a hell of a tourney report.”

I did not know what a madman Ted Knutson is.

Even though The Holy Kanoot had never smoked before, he may (or may not) have actually performed the experiment, ingesting illicit drugs that StarCity does not condone in order to see whether it helps both your play AND your astigmatism. You may not agree with what he did… But after a man makes a sacrifice like that, how can I not publish his findings?”

4) Ask the Editor – Drinking in San Francisco (September 2004)

I just recently told this tale and didn’t give it quite the level of play that it deserved, but that weekend was one of the best times I’ve had on the Tour, even if I will never do another shot of Hornitos in my life.

3) Tales to Tell (July 2004)

As it turns out, I’m not the only one who has great drunken stories to share – most of the celebrity names you know from the Pro Tour have stories as well and this article takes a few moments to recount the best of what I heard this summer. I’ll get around to writing another one of these in the next couple of months, since I have too much fun researching them not to transcribe new ones to print.

Random Quote from said article: That’s when current Player of the Year leader Nicolai Herzog perks up and asks, “Have I told you about the time I woke up next to a naked and handcuffed Eivind Nitter?”

2) Dragon*Con Every Year, Please – Tales from Grand Prix: Atlanta (September 2003)

Now I had a great time at Dragon*Con, but these guys named Bob and Todd… they had an adventure. (For the record, I now own a copy of the Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas DVD, Book, coffee mug, and Limited Edition, one-of-a-kind combination chia pet and hookah. And so does Jim Ferraiolo.) This may be my favorite tournament report I’ve written, and every time I read back through it, it makes me hope that I’ll get a chance to go back to Dragon*Con next year. What a ridiculous wonderland of adult fun.

Speaking of adult fun, this is what I had to say about a Brazilian Steakhouse we attended there called Fogo de Chao:

For those who have never eaten at a Brazilian steakhouse, let me briefly set the scene for you: They are very expensive ($50/person is practically the minimum you can drop), their clientele is very upscale (and young, upscale clientele means an additional buffet of hot women to check out during dinner), and dinner consists mostly of meat. Lots and lots of meat. They serve more meat in one night than the gay porn industry puts on film over an entire year. And it all tastes incredible.

(The Fogo meat, that is. I have no idea how gay porn tastes.)

There just happens to be a Fogo de Chao in Chicago, Illinois, site of this weekend’s Grand Prix. Guess who has a 10PM reservation for Friday night?

1) Me And Sleazy In The Big Easy (January 2003)

This article features a running tally of boobies seen and details the story of yours truly dropping his buttonflys on Bourbon St. to earn some beads the hard way. How could I not put this at number one? Little did I know that said practices were actually illegal.

(And for those that care, it also features some pretty spiffy statistical draft analysis from those halcyon days when we actually used to get draft decklists from Sideboard.com.)

I’m running out of time today, so I’ll end this here and promise to give you more for your money tomorrow. Until then, may all of your inebriated exploits be at least half as fun and amusing as my own.

Ted Knutson

Teddy Card Game

Mail us at https://sales.starcitygames.com/contactus/contactform.php?emailid=2

*There’s a porn joke in there somewhere, but I’m on thin enough ice as it is.