The Guy That Invented Regionals Needs To Be Beaten Up: Part 3

Game 1: Kyle drops Sergeant, Boa, Boa, Cloaks the first Boa (it was his favorite
Boa, I guess) while I drop a fresh one and scoop when he ‘Geddons. Was that
detailed enough?

Game 2: I get out a turn two Falcon; Kyle gets out a Falcon and Steadfast Guard.
We both add Boas while waiting for appropriate search mana, and his comes first,
with me one mana behind. He searches out…another Guard. Wow. I think I, um,
had a”moment” when a bear hit instead of Lin-Sivvi or Rebel Informer.

Next turn, I go and fetch me a Sivvi, and he looks none too pleased, but still
brings his little dudes and gets me to ten. End of turn I fetch Rebel Informer
and start to bury his dudes, then cast Troll – it looks like Becky Times For
Good. It looks even better when I Cloak that bastard up and commence to pound
things in a painful manner.

Game 3: If I forget to write your last name down, I’ll start with six cards
as my penance (in lieu of a”Hail Mary” or three).

Again, Kyle gets out turn one, two, and three dudes (um, Noble Panther), while
I’m content to drop Falcon, Volunteer. When he gets to five mana (with me at
four and an untapped Falcon), he decides to ‘Geddon before he attacks. I search
out Vanguard, daring him to bring that Panther. To my amazement, he does, leaving
him with a Sergeant and Fresh Volunteers to my Falcon (and two lands in hand,
double Cloak, and a Troll). It looks like good times for Kyle, but he doesn’t
drop a land before he ends his turn. Uh oh.

I drop four consecutive lands and Troll, which in this matchup has absolutely
no need to have regeneration mana open, and that’s one hell of a good feeling.
Meanwhile, Kyle is struggling very hard to find lands, but he did drop two and
another Volunteer.

Troll gets Cloaked. Huge life swing. Kyle find no land. Troll gets another Cloak,
which meets an Aura Mutation, but he doesn’t block with anything at all. Huge
life swing. Eventually, Kyle gets to his fifth mana, and has started to chump
Troll, taking two or three a turn. I drop a Port and figure that I’d better
deprive him of his fifth mana ’cause he really, really looked like he needed
it desperately. Still, Troll marches on, and I’m up to thirty-one with Kyle
at six. I cast two more Falcons and Port his very much needed fifth land, but
he drops another and casts Mageta with a handful of cards. He’s now tapped out,
so I tutor for another Cloak which doesn’t exactly make Kyle’s day, although
it does end this match.

Now that is fair.

(After the match, Kyle admitted that he didn’t know which one was Milli and
which one was Vanilli either. Oh, how we laughed. Oh, how we danced.)

Match 4-0 Games 8-4

This match took all of eight minutes, with about four of that being the shuffling
in between games.

Game 1: I open Plains, Plains, Volunteers, other stuff, and that’s all the land
I see. But Jim gets four lands, a Bird, Flametongue Kavu, and at least two Blastoderms
in play by turn six. Becky Times For Bad.

Game 2: Seven cards is overrated. Um, so is six. Five feels just about right.
And they allow me to play a turn three Glider, which meets the crappy end of
a kicked Thornscape Battlemage, allowing two Blastoderms to crush my dreams.
Hard.

At least I have forty minutes to think about how badly I was crushed. Thanks,
Jim, for the time to wallow in my self-loathing; I appreciate that.

Now that is fair.

(Both of our bags are packed, the match slip is filled out, and there’s still
thirty-nine minutes left in this round. I blame Jim, and his innocent look is
nothing but a ruse, damnit.)

Match 4-1 Games 8-6

Game 1: Seven white cards would be good if I had a twelve-card opening hand,
and it also contained five Plains.

Doug: Turn two Meddling Mage, naming”Wrath of God.”

Me: turn two Boa, turn three Cloak.

And that was enough, but I did end up searching for Lin-Sivvi and Rebel Informer
after Doug searched out two bears with his Falcon. Weird, huh?

Game 2: Side in ‘Geddons. What, no mulligan?

Doug gets jiggy with turn two Mage naming”Armadillo Cloak,” gets out the first
searcher, and takes a lesson from last game: He gets out Sivvi and Informer
on consecutive turns, then Geddons. Hey, I sided in Geddons, dammit — they were
meant to benefit ME, but Doug is a very selfish human being.

Game 3: Mulligan, mulligan, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways: Um, seven?
No. Six? Not really, but I could learn to love you if you put out a lot.

Turn two Mage naming”River Boa,” and can you guess who has two Boas in hand?
Turn four Mage naming”Armadillo Cloak,” and can you guess who has two Cloaks
in hand? Really, guess. Go ahead.

Doug watches me play draw-go for a few turns then gets out Sivvi and Informer,
so even if I do draw a friggin’ Rebel, it ain’t doing squat. Ever. The only
guy I can cast in my entire friggin’ deck is Troll, and Wave takes care of that
singleton win condition in a hurry.

When Doug finally attacked with about seven dudes for the win, I cast Wax on
one of his dudes, since it was about the only spell in my damn deck that I was
allowed to cast. Not that it was frustrating or anything.

Number of lands in play on Doug’s side at the end of the game: 12

Number in play on mine: 4

Now that was fair.

(After the match, one of Doug’s peeps looked at me, said”Hey,” then pointed
to another of Doug’s peeps and said”He’s homeless.” I don’t know why. Still.
And the picture is blurry and otherwise bad. You should’ve seen the other one.)

Match 4-2 Games 9-8

In between rounds something and something, Bandes played Mike Patnik about a
billion games, with Patnik winning every single one. Naturally, they ended up
playing each other for keeps, and Bandes killed Patnik. That does not bode well
for me.

Game 1: I get out a dude; Bandes kills it. Repeat about four times until he
gets bored with wasting my dudes and decides to concentrate on my land. Repeat
about four times until I realize that I have Elfhame Sanctuary in the side and
two additional tutors to go get it. Let’s try again, chief, and this time I
get to go first.

(That’s Bryan’s”Good Sportsman” smile. That’s my”Imma kill you, beeyotch”
sneer. Still, the team of Rizzo, Bandes, and Neil Forsythe would be most legendary.
Perhaps it will come to pass.)

Match 4-3 Games 9-10

Games 1 and 2: I win.

Ordinarily I don’t do summaries like this, but weirdness happened after the
match.

But there was very little else I could do in game one, with me being at a precariously
low life due to my Brushland pings, and thinking every play through so I could
stay out of Ghitu Fire range.

In game two, I was very mana light, and Alex was Porting like a mad man, which
oftentimes resulted in me searching during my upkeep while trying to figure
out the best way to do it so I could still keep regeneration mana AND Story
Circle mana available.

Eventually, Alex had three Ports in play and was tapping half of my lands. After
a brief deliberation, I decided to tap out and fetch Jhovall Queen. The only
problem was that I was facing a Shivan Wurm, and I couldn’t find a Cloak or
another tutor, not to mention enough friggin’ land. You’re probably asking why
I didn’t search out the Glider and go to town, right? Well, I did, and served
right into a friggin’ Bird that got a +2/+2 from a Fires. Duh.

Four or five turns after I fetched the Queen, I found a Tutor and grabbed a
Cloak. Alex scooped upon declaration of attackers.

I asked Alex for a picture for this report, and he responded with”I’d rather
not.” I realize that he was kind of bummed at losing to a deck that I know he
felt was utter crap, but no one else has ever refused a pic, so I paused for
a minute.

Me: Did I do something to offend you?

Alex: No, not at all.

Me: Because I don’t want bad feelings or anything.

Alex: No, there aren’t.

He wasn’t being sarcastic, and he didn’t act like a jerk either… But still,
that was a weird twenty seconds. And it’s still weird. And I don’t get it.

Moving on. Joshua Claytor and I still had never taken a pic together, even though
we’ve been at three tourneys together. And he was pissed. Since he thanked me
in one of his Scrye articles, the least I can do is offer yet another”mysterious
writer” scoop.

(Josh is a tall beeyotch, and I was standing on my tippie-toes attempting to
be as”intimidating” as Kurt Hahn claims Josh is. And I almost pulled it off,
too. Do people still say”tippie-toes?”)

Match 5-3 Games 11-10

Games played: 21

Game 1: Brice opens with a turn two Shivan Zombie, while I come back with a
Fresh Volunteer, with a Cloak and two more Volunteers in hand. Brice decided
to Rage Volunteer one; next turn, he decides to drop Flametongue Kavu number
one on Volunteer number two; next turn he draws his card, says”this is fair,”
and drops Flametongue Kavu number two on Volunteer number three; next turn,
he draws, chuckles a little, says”this is really fair,” and drops Flametongue
Kavu number three on the hapless freshest volunteer of all – Defiant Falcon.

Now that is fair.

Game 2:

I open double-Troll, Cloak, and enough mana to do it all, baby! However, Brice
figures a turn-two kicked Scuta is good news, which would be kind of good for
him, but in this situation I’ll just end up Cloaking my Troll and ending dreams.
I have no turn three play, but Brice’s Lord of the Undead fits into his Sligh
curve very well, so I go to fourteen. I drop Troll number one without regeneration
mana, hoping to draw some burn and I am not disappointed; Rage that bad boy
and take eight to six. On turn five, I can finally cast Troll number two with
regeneration mana up — after all, what are the odds of Brice playing Terminates
in his deck? Pretty good.

Now that is fair.

Brice beat the living piss out of me when I played The Universal Net Deck last
Extended season, and after this textbook beating I’m sure his opinion of my
Magic skillz dropped even lower than it was.

Dear Brice,

While I am fairly bad at Magic, I’m not that bad. Really.

Love,

Mr. Formality

(Yeah, that’s Nate Heiss‘ big melon eclipsing Brice. But Nate is overdue for
some good press.)

Match 5-4 Games 11-12

Game 1: Since I was getting killed by Brice, I didn’t see this game, but rest
assured that Teamann ended up with many Shotgun blasts to the face, courtesy
of Aladdin’s Ring. Yes, that really does cost eight to cast and eight to activate.
Really, it does.

Game 2: Teamann starts off with a Fresh Volunteers, while Nate thinks Coastal
Tower, City of Brass is fine. While Teamann serves Nate to eighteen, Nate gets
jiggy/ballsy with a City of Brass-fueled Vampiric Tutor, which gets a Nether
Spirit. He then casts it and passes the turn to Scott, going to fourteen in
the process.

Teamann casts River Boa and holds back, while Nate lays an Island

in preparation for an end-of-turn Fact or Fiction. Scott can’t conjure up

another creature, so he sends Boa, which Nate takes, going to twelve.

Nate’s Fact or Fiction reveals Fact or Fiction or Enlightened Tutor, Dromar’s
Charm, and two lands. Ever the card advantage whore, Nate takes the fat pile,
untaps, and casts Teferi’s Moat, naming green.

I think he smiled.

Teamann, who should be sweating that, snickers a little and end of turn casts
Aura Mutation, getting five dudes in the process.

I know he smiled.

Scott untaps and brings the team, with Nate blocking the Volunteers and taking
seven, bringing him to five. Scott just gets evil and reveals Armageddon. Nate,
tapped out and fairly exhausted from a rigorous breakdancing session after round
eight, scoops.

Tip from Randy Buehler and Jeff Donais when I did Feature Match coverage at
GP – Detroit:”Always use past tense, like ‘he played,’ and ‘he scooped.”

Tip from Me: Past tense is out this year — we livin’ in the present, baby! Plus,
it makes the reader feel like they are really there if present tense is used.
See, I’ll argue about anything with anyone.

Dear Randy and Jeff,

I realize you guys have been doing match coverage for like, ever, but I did
it one time and think I know it all, so you guys should change the way you’ve
been doing it for years to accommodate a guy who did a total of one match report.

Love,

Nate keeps.

Nate lays Dread of Night turn two and has a Lair in play. Scott lays a Boa,
while Nate replays his Coastal Tower, hoping for a real land sometime soon.
Scott brings the Boa (Nate 18) and casts another, tapping his Port in the process.
Nate end of turn Vampirics for Tsabo’s Web (Nate sixteen), casts it, draws an
Island and plays it. Hi, I’m River Boa, I like Islands.

Scott casts Aura Fracture; Nate Counters, so Scott Disenchants the Story Circle
in response, but Nate prevents the Troll’s damage in response. Scott passes
and Nate Enlightened Tutors for another Story Circle and casts it, naming”Green.”

Scott manages to cast a Fresh Volunteers and passes. Nate plays Seal of Cleansing,
and nothing happens for the next four turns until Nate plays a second Dread
of Night, killing the Volunteers. Scott casts Ivory Mask with Nate’s Seal of
Cleansing on the board. Mistake? Not likely. Nate peels a third Dread of Night
and casts it. See ya later, Troll. Scott draws and passes, probably loading
up his hand for a big finale.

Nate casts Fact or Fiction end of turn, so Scott Disenchants Story Circle, and
Tsabo’s Web. Nate saves the Web with Dromar’s Charm, but Story Circle hits the
yard. The Fact or Fiction turns up Enlightened Tutor, land or three land. Nate
takes the tutor pile, and both play land for the next three turns, with Scott
discarding Sergeants and Fresh Volunteers since they’re about useless. Nate
finally Tutors for Yawgmoth’s Agenda, but doesn’t play it. Scott continues to
discard.

Eventually, Nate draws Aladdin’s Ring and plays it, with two blue and a Counterspell
in hand. Scott Enlightened Tutors for Chimeric Idol and casts it, which Nate
allows. Nate untaps his twelve mana, draws and passes.

Scott enters his main phase, taps all eight of his lands for mana, activates
the Idol and attempts to Cloak it. Nate thinks for a long time, then decides
to Counterspell that noise. Teamann has five left in his pool, and casts a second
Cloak. Nate thinks for a very long time, then uses Dromar’s Charm to gain five
life (Nate thirteen), but taps two City of Brass (Nate eleven) to cast it, allowing
the Cloak to resolve. Scott empties his pool by casting River Boa and serving
(Nate eleven).

Nate untaps and Wraths away Boa. Scott does nothing on his turn, and Nate sends
a shotgun blast to the head (Scott twenty-one). Nate finally draws his friggin’
Nether Spirit and casts it. Again, Scott does nothing on his turn, but take
another shotgun blast to the face (Scott seventeen).

Teamann casts a Charging Troll, which dies immediately to the three Dread of
Night, and Nate shotguns him again (Scott thirteen). Nate plays Seal of Cleansing
and passes, while Scott casts Armageddon which Nate answers with Dromar’s Charm.
Shotgun blast to the face too, chief (Scott nine). Scott’s next turn yields
no play for him but he takes another shotgun blast (Scott five). No play for
Scott, but here’s another shotgun (Scott one). One last draw reveals nothing
that will save him, so Scott scoops before Nate can administer the fatal shotgun
blast to the dome.

Nate spent sixty-four mana to do twenty-five damage over seven turns. Isn’t
there an easier way? Whew.

Top Eight dudes and stuff (who cares who won?):

1. Theron”Friggin’ Master Friggin’ T Friggin” Martin

2. Ben”My Bloody” Valentine,

3. Adam”Lines That Are Linear Are Skinnier” Minnear

4. David Pan (tostados y mantiquilla)

5.”The Mighty” Casey”Has Friggin’ Struck Out, Damnit” Munn

6. Marshall”Mathers” Arthurs

7. Brian”I’d Rather Watch The WB Than Watch” Fox

CMU Skanks:

50. Bryan Bandes, Rogue deck, 6-3

70. Nate Heiss, Highly Ridiculed Rogue deck, 6-3

91. John Robert Rizzo, Jr., Rogue deck, 5-4

Joshua Claytor, some deck with too much blue, 3-3-3 (no, that’s not a typo).
At one point, Josh was 0-1-3, and if that’s not about the coolest match record
ever, then write Josh some flame mail for fun.

Incidentally, I ran out of Cinnamon Altoids after round four, which meant my
day in the sun was over. Tip: bring extra Cinnamon Altoids.

Also, when Claytor wins, I lose.

Dear Josh,

Suck at Magic. A lot.

Love,

Johnny lives and dies by Josh’s skillz

Lesson: Net Decks rule, baby!

Ron Kotwica was also en su casa, but he didn’t hang out with us ’cause he’s
like mean and stuff, so I didn’t check out where he finished. N’yah, n’yah.
Plus, he drafts white too much.

Lesson: The CMU guys will flick boogers at you if you don’t hang out with us,
damnit. Or at least acknowledge our existence. So much for”team” spirit, damnit.
And leave white for Teamann.

So I went 5-4 and fell in love with the deck all over again. Despite the crappy
match record and the crappier game record, I am convinced that the deck was
good. In fact, with a few NORMAL mana screws, I think 7-2 was a possibility.
Put that deck in the hands of Mike Turian or Aaron Forsythe and I think it’s
a threat to make Top Eight. Heck, put it in Scott Teamann’s hands and I think
it’s a cinch to make Top Thirty-two. Yes, Scott, I think my deck was better
than yours.

So have a carrot, swing from these, and drown your sorrow in a pool of Times
That Are Bad For Rebecca.

–Parallax Wave might’ve been a good idea, but mostly to get rid of Sivvi, Informer,
or Meddling Mage. And Story Circle cops Blastoderm. Story Circle: Most underutilized
white card in Type 2?

I think I know why I liked the deck so friggin’ much: it’s the same kind of
deck as my Extended Friggin’ Green that brought me my first Top Eight last season.
That deck used Survival of the Fittest and Natural Order to get what you needed
when you needed, and Mafia Prince does essentially the same thing.

Comparing Rebels to Natural Order isn’t ridiculous, since it does bring the
dude you need into play, and the Enlightened Tutor aspect sort of parallels
Survival of the Fittest in that it puts an answer in your hand.

How hard is it going to be for me to play a Constructed deck that just plays
off the top? Um, very. Seek and destroy from here on in? Likely.

We left around 12:30 on a Saturday night in a town that has a major university.
I had so much fun pointing at everyone on the street and whispering to them
“Dude, it doesn’t matter how much money you spend in that bar, or how drunk
you get, you are not getting laid tonight.” The funny part is that I’m right.
Five dollar cover charge? I’m there, baby!

Mission: Do well. I think I met this one since I made one mistake after round
one.

Secondary Mission: Cheer for Nate. Did that stuff, boy. All y’all others should
be cheering for Nate, too. After all, everyone and their mother ripped his deck,
his article, and his life to shreds. Why? Well, because he went out on a limb,
asked questions, and came up with his own answers that just happened to conflict
with the Talking Heads of Magic. He also started out 1-2, which means that after
facing the possibility of having his deck turn out to be the piece of crap that
everyone said it was, he still sucked it up and went 5-1, risking ending up
2-7 or some other embarrassing result in the process.