Hulluh.
For the unenlightened, the title of my Daily comes from one of my pet songs, Blink 182’s “Easy Target.” It alludes to the fact the majority of what you’re reading was written in or inspired by events that took place in Southern California. And also that I’m still a massive, massive tool. If you have any other questions about my column, it’s too late to address them, and I’d rather you didn’t talk to me anyway.
Ha ha. Kidding.
Ha.
Ha.
Before I get started, I would like to apologize for the footnotes. Links to the appropriate footnotes are a little out of my jurisdiction, and sometimes they’re the easiest way to express a concept without disrupting the flow of the article (that sounded pretentious), so unfortunately, I’ll probably continue to employ them in perpetuity. Even if you ordinarily find them so tedious that you don’t bother looking at them, I strongly suggest you read the second one today if you have any interest of keeping abreast of important developments.
Today’s article was going to be comprised solely of anecdotes about the Invitational, but I just heard one of the most absurd things in my life. I’ve gotten flack for pasting AIM chats before, but this one is well worth any complaints I receive. From the looks of things, I may have some serious competition for my “Most Diabolical Hater” title. I suppose Morgan Douglass and I can actually share the honors since I’ll soon be on the opposite side of the Mississippi.
This chat took place shortly after Morgan got pre-emptively gg’ed game 2 on Magic Online and was asked if he was “mono rade” before coming back to win game and match.
mdouglass: 2:31 Elaine Benes: mono bad?
2:31 Elaine Benes: nice deck
2:31 Elaine Benes: im mono rade
mdouglass: im such an ass
chester6561: well bruisers are spicy against rade
chester6561: hey he opened up the floodgates
mdouglass: yea
chester6561: my theory is that if they do or say anything remotely baggish
chester6561: you’re free to throw the book at them
mdouglass: 🙂
mdouglass: i employ that theory as well
mdouglass: i dont think i told you about my parking lot outing at the einstein bagels did i
chester6561: i doubt it
mdouglass: ok so i go in for lunch
mdouglass: 30ish mom and 3yr old kid in front of me
mdouglass: i get my 2 bagels w/ cream chz, wait a lil bit, get my bagels, go to the register, she asked what i got, i said 2 bagels w/ cream chz
mdouglass: like $4 total since 2 each etc
mdouglass: so i walk out
mdouglass: and the moms putting her kid away in the seat and she goes “that was pretty dishonest huh?”
chester6561: WHAAAAT
mdouglass: and i have no idea what shes talking about and i just keep walking to my car
mdouglass: and then she says to her kid loud enough for me to hear
mdouglass: “thats stealing, thats wrong”
mdouglass: so thats game in my mind
mdouglass: i walk over to her
chester6561: omg lol.
mdouglass: and im like
mdouglass: excuuuuse me?
mdouglass: shes now getting kinda nervous bc i actually approached her
mdouglass: im like in her face now
mdouglass: and she goes “you told them you got 2 bagels w/ cream chz when you really got 2 lox&bagels” (about 5$ each)
mdouglass: and im like “show me the lox&bagels”
mdouglass: and i open my bag
mdouglass: and show her what i got
chester6561: haha
mdouglass: and i go “thats right, i got 2 bagels w/ cream chz you miserable *****”
mdouglass: i pause for a possible apology
mdouglass: and there is none
mdouglass: and i turn around and go
chester6561: you didnt actually call her a miserable ***** did you
mdouglass: go kill yourself
mdouglass: and walk to my car
mdouglass: yes
chester6561: HJKASHDBKSDF
chester6561: NMSDKLFNDLFD
mdouglass: she was stunned.
chester6561: i’m in tears here
chester6561: can i include this in an article
chester6561: llol
mdouglass: yes
mdouglass: i credit my confrontational experience to modo
mdouglass: calling foons out when they ***** at me
mdouglass: ps im still heckling this foon
the mdouglass: im waiting for the block but its not coming
I was sort of hoping his comment after the woman failed to apologize would have been something along the lines of turning to the three-year old kid and going, “That’s not minding your own g$%#^& business. That’s wrong too.” That would have required unbelievable presence of mind (not to mention a particular brand of unabashed gumption), so I can’t claim I would have been able to muster such a comment to a small child either. [They broke the mold when they made Morgie. Kids, do not try to be Morgan Douglass – it will only cause you and everyone around you pain. – Knut]
…and onto the Invitational stories. I’m going to tell two. The first is a “had to have been there” anecdote that you may enjoy just because of the starpower present. It’s amazing how normally mundane activities and exploits become interesting when they involve famous people.* The second story involves two comical Osyp happenings as well as more evidence of Gabriel Nassif mastery.
The “Other” Bluff
Jeroen Remie, Julien Nuijten, Sam Gomersall, and I were sitting around the Dutchies’ hotel room, trying to kill time until the player dinner and player meeting. Gomersall, Heroin, and myself, being old men, were perfectly content lazing around the room and watching Diary of an Angry Black Woman. Julien, however, was boisterous and full of youthful energy, bouncing around the room and trying to get us to go see the sites of Santa Monica. At one point, I had managed to fall asleep at the foot of one of the beds, so Julien jumped on it and woke me up. Naturally, the next time he wandered out onto the balcony, I locked him out.
Over the course of the next half hour, we voted a few times on whether to allow the child back into the room, but the motion was always unanimously denied. Eventually, Heroin got the idea to leave the hotel and walk past the balcony on the street below it. When we did, Heroin told Julien that we were going to go walk around and maybe go to the mall and get food. The Nutlow said, “I call your bluff,” and that was more than enough for us to actually go through with the plan. When we got back over an hour later, the wind had left the World Champ’s sails, and all of us almost felt bad. Almost.
Sooooooo Chang’s?
As was the custom, Gomersall, Eugene Harvey, Osyp, Julien, Heroin, Nassif, and myself went out to eat after a tough day at the office. Eugene suggested we eat at some place called PF Chang’s. I had never heard of the establishment, and I’m a little wary of Chinese food to begin with, so I was skeptical. I didn’t want to ruin other people’s plans, so I gritted my teeth and just went along. After the meal was over, I had actually become addicted to Chang’s Kung Pao chicken, and have since started going to the website daily and drooling at the menu.
Osyp decided he wanted a drink, and he was interested in something with some potency, so he asked the waitress if they made something called a Zombie. The waitress happily stated that the restaurant would be able to accommodate said request. After the server left, Jeroen ribbed Osyp for ordering such a girly drink. Osyp was incredulous, claiming that there was nothing wrong with the beverage he had ordered. In short order, the waitress returned with five cokes, a beer, and a fruit-garnished orange and yellow concoction in a tall, thin glass that the waitress placed in front of Osyp. After about two minutes when all the laughter had died down, Osyp said, “Hey, this isn’t what I thought it was gonna be. Last time, it was black and bubbling and served out of a skull covered with spiders. The waitress is clearly playing a prank on me.”
Not wanting to invoke the ridicule of the rest of table again, Osyp decided to switch up his drink when he was done with his big, bad Zombie… so he ordered a nice, manly… Long Island Iced Tea. At the end of the meal, I was the first to look at the bill, so I figured I might as well scan it for any signs of a Zombie. The word appeared nowhere on the list. What was there, however was “1 Mai Tai.” To this day, it remains unclear if Osyp knew what he was doing when he ordered.
Throughout the course of the day, I had been calling Osyp out on his overuse of “I mean.” I had always assumed it was a primarily Ravitz thing, but it became clear to me where Ravitz got it after being around Peppermint. Nearly every other sentence he spoke – literally – was prefaced by that insipid phrase. Osyp avowed to try to change his ways, and the group began brainstorming possible methods of punishment for uttering “I mean.” One idea was a slap battle between any two people who used the phrase consecutively.** Other ideas surfaced, but we seemed resigned to settling for stopping the conversation dead and pointing at the person in an accusatory manner if he said “I mean” in passing. Osyp felt some remorse for repeatedly violating his self-imposed embargo, so he really wanted to do something. That’s when Eugene suggested he take down two of PF Chang’s red hot chili peppers at the same time.
After some protesting, Osyp grabbed two, chewed, and left them on his tongue for about 20 seconds at Eugene’s behest. Osyp swallowed and seemed fine.
And then it hit.
Osyp’s normally laid-back expression turned panicked, and he fumbled for a glass of water. He drank both of his glasses of water in about 20 seconds but was still not close to allaying the horrible burning. People suggested that he try rice and/or sugar as well, as these would dampen the effects of the peppers rather than spreading them around. He downed a few sugar packets, some rice, and two other people’s glasses of water. After what seemed like an eternity to the rest of the table and probably even longer to Joe Black himself, he finally managed to stop the pain. Then he promptly went to the bathroom and vomited. Osyp and I have a bit of a rocky past***, but I have to admit, I was almost at the point where I felt bad for him. Okay, that’s a lie. It’s not like he was actually in danger of dying or anything, and after all he’d done to other people, I figured a little good-natured torture was acceptable. Poor Eugene actually felt bad enough to pay for Osyp’s meal. What a sap.****
Either while Osyp was in the bathroom or shortly thereafter, we got our fortune cookies. Nassif unwrapped his, popped it in his mouth, chewed and swallowed. No, I didn’t forget the part where he broke it in half and took out the fortune. When asked about it, Nassif admitted it did taste a little papery. After this display of sheer mastery, the process of eating a fortune cookie with the fortune still inside has become known as Nassifing the fortune cookie. The next time I visited Chang’s, I Nassifed my cookie and got paper cuts in my mouth. Par for the f***ing course.
In my eyes, the most interesting thing I took in at that meal wasn’t marked by sensationalism of any kind. It was more of an elucdiation about something I already believed. Osyp was telling another one of his grandiose stories, and Julien called him out on it. What Osyp said next gave me a newfound respect for him…
TO BE CONCLUDED…
Tim Aten
still President of the Morgan Douglass fan club
still completely wacked out of my mind
Still Remains by STP is a good song DURRRRRR
[email protected]
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HES PERFECTLY PROPORTIONAL.”
*You can more or less insert your own footnote here. I think you know my stance on “fame.”
**Apparently, this practice has evolved over time and was perfected in part by Gabe Walls. The game is played like Rock-Paper-Scissors, except there’s the regular slap, the super slap, and the “dead slap.” A dead slap is one that is stopped short and causes no pain of any sort; it’s just mildly creepy. A super slap is basically pulling back and then slapping as hard as you possibly can. Super beats regular; regular beats dead; and dead beats super. What makes the game interesting is the value of what you’re playing for. If you’re doing it “for fun,” there’s really no reason not to opt for the super slap. If you’re playing against Gabe Walls for anything less than $100, you can win easily by simply choosing the dead slap…but at quite a price.
***We’re on pretty good terms now. Usually all it takes is for me to be around a person to stop (or in some cases, start) hating them again.
****Sorta. Actually more along the lines of “insanely good man.”