SCG Daily – Mommy’s Little Monster: Hulluhback Bearl

Dear Tim Hoyt Aten,
You’re officially insane.

This article will probably end up going in a slightly different direction than I initially planned. I mean my original intention was to single out overused phrases and pieces of lingo (and try to find clever ways to berate the people who used them), but there really aren’t that many. I mean Magic lingo appears to be on a downswing. I mean, I don’t know if that’s because I haven’t been paying attention or am just out of it, but the whole concept seems stagnant.

We need some new lingo, I think. I mean, I’m still staying “stazznoozles” at every possible opportunity, but I don’t expect other people to use it, nor do I care whether or not they do. I mean, I also came up with some nicknames for cards. I mean, they’re not great, but here’s a sample listing:

Glitterfang: “Ding!”

Kami of the Waning Moon: “Warren” (not solely mine obviously)

Yuki-Onna: “Yoko”

Torii Watchward: “Victoria,” “Vicki,” “Big Vicks” “Vicks VapoRub,” “Big Rubs”

Psychic Spear: “Britney” (also not solely mine)

Slumbering Tora: “Melissa”

Kagemaro’s Clutch: “Horry” or “Robert”

Iname as One: “Iname All Together”

That Which Was Taken: “That Which IIIIIIIIIIISSS” (see below)

And one from Lucas Glavin and his friend Devyn “Toad” March:

Harbinger of Spring: “Hamburger”

Evidently Toad read the card and wasn’t quite clear on what he saw, quipping, “What is that, a hamburger?” I mean, he sort of grumbled it according to LCG, making any attempts to recreate LCG’s impression sound more like “Wuh wuhh wuhhh…hamburgah?” I mean, I say that every time I see the card and sometimes when I’m just chillin’ on the couch and watchin’ Roseanne. I mean, I also call Matt “I Won My Match (IWMM) on MODO” Abrams “IWMMori of the Open Wallet” because of his money drafting prowess, but that’s neither here nor there. I mean, I also call Eugene Levin “Finger,” but that’s not particularly relevant either. I mean, Finger ELevin, get it?

I use “banonner” now in place of various words because that’s how Sam Gomersall pronounces everyone’s favorite source of potassium. I mean it’s not the best source of potassium. I mean I think my mom said that was actually potatoes or yogurt or something, but I mean banonners are tastier than potatoes. I mean, you really can’t argue that.

So, yeah, you can use “banonner” in place of any noun spoken in a manner that is in any way demeaning. I mean “I can’t believe you’re playing that banonner” is a much better use than “I can’t believe someone actually passed you that banonner.” I mean, I’ve also taken to saying “ba-nonsense.” I mean, apply it liberally until it crashes and burns two weeks from now and we replace it with something worse.

I like that people seem to be using the old Hsiungism “That iiiiiiiiis!!!!” a lot. I mean, you can say “And that is…” or just “That is,” or if you’re Matt Schmaltz, “Well that is…,” and you can say it deadpan or loudly and obnoxiously. I mean, literally speaking, it means “That’s game,” but you should be able to figure out other situations to which it applies. I mean “That’s game” can have more universal applications than a literal interpretation. I mean if you get doused in mud by a passing car while proudly displaying the foil Pithing Needle you won in a money draft even though your teammate’s record was way better than yours, then that certainly IS.

I suppose my specific problem with lingo nowadays is with “bearl.” I mean maybe it’s just a Minnesota thing to run something into the ground as quickly as possible. I mean before, it was easier to ignore the effects of Minnesota lingo since the people there were mostly secluded. But now, I mean, there’s Pelcak and Gerry Thompson on the Pro Tour and me keeping the Magic community abreast of any asinine development that comes out of that state, so I mean, some things are getting overexposed. I mean, I don’t want to hear the Star Wars Kid saying “bearl.” I mean Heroin can say it I guess, but that’s just because he can get away with saying anything or wearing anything, for that matter. I mean he could probably wear an actual Captain America costume instead of just a jersey and not be questioned. I mean I wish I was one of those people but I mean, it does take some finesse and/or panache to pull off “stazznoozles.” I mean I think I do a decent job.

Some local lingo is just meant to stay local. I mean that’s not necessarily restrictive enough. I mean some local lingo should have died a long, long time ago. I mean I couldn’t believe I came back to Ohio after a year and Joey Bags’s um… disciples?… were still using the word “fresh.” I mean, nice Get Fresh Crew. I mean, no offense to you personally, Bags, since you can’t help what the buffoons around you do.

I guess that’s another one. I mean, I guess it qualifies as lingo. I mean, just say “Nice _______” sarcastically about anything. I mean it’s very simple. I mean if you see a dog, just grouchily spew “Nice dog.” I mean, if you see someone seeing ice cream, say “Nice ice cream.” I mean, if you’re feling frisky you can say more of a strangely accented “niize” than a regular “nice.” I mean LCG has some entertaining stories about Goochie “Walter” Egil’s cousin saying “Nice set” or “Nice girlfriend.” I mean, if you don’t know what I mean, I’d be more than happy to demonstrate in person. I mean, Gabe Walls, Neil Reeves, and other people with ridiculous yokel-type accents use the slightly different “Nice ______, Stupid,” albeit with a tone that’s more condescending than sarcastic. I mean sometimes I’ll switch it up and run that one because, I mean, it’s got character.

I focused on lingo, but that’s not the only problem nowadays. I mean I just looked up “lingo” and am still not sure how loose I can be with its various definitions. I mean, I’m not sure if something else qualifies as “lingo” per se, so I guess I won’t bother talking about that particular pandemic. I mean, if you somehow read through this whole article and didn’t notice anything strange, the problem may be worse than I thought. I mean if Osyp read this, he probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelash. I mean, he got into a lot of trouble at the Invitational because of his problem. I mean, maybe I’ll talk about it tomorrow. I mean I’ll obviously talk about it tomorrow because you’d probably like a nice anecdote from the Invitational and, quite frankly, I mean, I need material. I mean, this stuff doesn’t write itself. I mean, sure, today’s was fairly easy to write but I mean, no one really did this before. I mean except for like Bob Maher’s Old Barn (BMOB in the biz) and his ill-conceived “no ‘and’ ‘but’ or ‘or'” article but I mean, I’d like to think this was planned and executed somewhat better. I mean anyone can just go back and add or cross off words to a boring article, but I mean that just makes it boring and a pain in the ass to read.

And that is.

Tim Aten

Wuh Wuhh Wuuhhh Hamburgah on Modo

Wuh Wuhh Wuuhhh Hamburgah on AIM

Over-Under Date on Death : December 25, 2005

Post Sign-Off Bonus: Top 5 Songs of the Week

5. Goo Goo Dolls “You Know What I Mean”

4. Neil Diamond “If You Know What I Mean”

3. Holly Dunn “Maybe I Mean Yes”

2. Oasis “D’You Know What I Mean”

1. R. Kelly “I Mean (I Don’t Mean It)”

[I mean, you people wanted him to write more… don’t come crying to me when you get stuff like this from time to time. – Knut]