Quick clarification:
I was in an exceptionally hot bath, rubbing myself silly and reading a very old Scrye, when I came across a Torment evaluation by Tony Alongi and Ben Smith. They liked Basking Rootwalla a bit, and Antoine wrote something like:
“Imagine this sumbitch with Survival of the Fits!”
I gave Shante McKeown the invention props, and while he can keep them, I thought I’d give extra credit where it was due, past tense. Thus:
>Anthony Alongi invented Basking Rootwalla with Survival of the Fittest. In 2002<
No wonder Woody hired him.
Speaking of Woody and his “I am so bad at getting laid and designing cards” article: that’s the way to write a story! You have the good guy (Rosewater), who is the worst girl-picker-upper ever – he’s so horrific he had no less than nine “sucks at women” stories to convey – who finally overcomes his flaws and finds his kwan and gets a little sumthin’ sumthin’ in the end. Happy ending, roll credits, thank the Academy.
No wonder John Goodman hired him.
————this is a line of sorts——–
Speaking of Johns, Jon Becker is not pleased with peeps who list their sealed deck contents in unambiguously non-sexy ways. In order to prevent Jon from Bending It Like Becker and unveiling a can in which whoop ass may or may not reside, I figured I’d see what I could see, and try to break yet another format while I was at it.
The first idea, which I thought was the ass of the cat:
I’m sure everyone who wrote a Limited report wouldn’t mind taking an extra two hours to download and format the card pics that must be reduced and smooshed so much that the majority of them are too small to make out, let alone think about how you would build this deck.
This led to idea number two:
This is sort of like, eh, but those gridlines are way annoying, do away wit’ ’em:
Red Boros White Selesnya Green Golgari Black Dimir Blue | ||||
Sparkmage Appren. | Boros Fury Shield | |||
All the cards are easily viewed at the same time, which requires much less white space for you to think about how you would build this deck. Incidentally, some people actually do think about how they would build this deck. I glance at a list, figure how to rare draft it, and then scroll to the report. This is a textbook example of why I am so good at Magic.
Still, there must be something better…
Idea three:
OW!!!!!! Not to mention this looks like something from the mind of Ted Turner. Speaking of sleeping with the enemy (Er, Hanoi Jane), check it:
This isn’t so bad, unless you’re one of those Magic Online prudes who are too rich to play Apprentice but still get to see “UR lame. G00datMaG1k has left the game.” Of my previous attempts, this is the one I like the most. Kinda, not; figure one up there but bigger is but better.
Now, if the webmaster-type-guys could fix it so the reader could drag the cards around and not simply think about how you would build this deck, but actually build this deck, then that would be breaking ground on a landmark, not to mention redundant.
It shouldn’t take more than a few hundred grand and a thousand man-hours to implement, and a few !BUX! to secure the rights from Hasbro to use reproductions of actual cards in order to Sell More Cards So Hasbro Can Make More Money, so don’t bitch when your premium membership increases to $400/month, pls/thx.
Hasbro = Mean-spirited, oil-rich Conservatives.
Wizards of the Coast = Bleeding-heart, tree-hugging Liberals.
You = Stuck in the middle.
Me = Good at Magic.
On the other hand, none of this matters when Guildpact hits the mix. Instead of nine side-by-side cards, you get fifteen, and oh, they can’t possibly line up all ducks-in-a-row-pretty. Whatever, I’ll almost certainly list the cards in alphabetical order – if you want to question my build and think about how you would build this deck, you’re going to have to earn it, John Houseman notwithstanding.
The previous reference was for TurboEli. Please ignore it, even though it’s probably wrong (or Bent), and even if it was meant for TurboEli, well, a little bit for Romeo, even if it’s not really that obscure, unless you’re under the age of, say, 30, which, in this case, would make it nearly impossible for you to have a chance, much as I intended. Everyone else can have the “Hanoi Jane” ref from above. Discuss in the forums! [Salomon Smith Barney 4L, yo! – Knut, who keeps confusing that line with Gielgud]
———–so is this———-
Q. How come every single Type II deck you build starts like this:
4 Birds of Paradise
4 Sakura Tribe-Elder
4 Farseek
4 Wood Elves
A. Because Green, much like parents who send their kids to Neverland, is an “enabler.”
Q. How come you’re seriously testing Hunted Dragon and Hunted Lammasu?
A. Wildfire. Oh, and Razia’s Putrification.
Q. Okay, but why are you seriously testing Peace of Mind?
A. Life from the Loam, and it’s about the only discard outlet.
Q. Did you just suggest a deck for Standard?
A. Akuta, Born of Ash, Trainer of Pikachu.
He’s no Ichorid!
One: Land, Bird
Two: Land, Heartbeat of Spring
Three: Land, Farseek or Bird #2, Dragon, take six
Four: Land, add 11 or 12 mana and do some of the following:
Main phase Wildfire or Putrification then Dragon #2, smash for 12 or play Lammasu. Obviously, if you have Hydra, you cast it before Wildfire, see? By the way, your opponent is a goldfish, thanks for noticing.
It almost certainly won’t happen like that, ever, although it can, in theory. Probably won’t though. I didn’t mention Transluminant, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how good it is. Because I do so broken blow up the world get a token anyway woohoo a 1/1 flyer rah.
Q. Done?
A. Yes.
————–another one——–
Whoever invented this that, you rock. How I wish I was able to stab my flag into the ground and stake claim as the inventor of that this, for clearly, you have not simply passed rogue rouge, but ascended the mountain (Ararat + Sinai = the same thing) to roozh. Damn, I like italics and strikeout and superscript. Maybe Ted’ll lemme get jiggy with other Word font F/X ‘fore he off and sells out to The ManTM. [Just like all of Rizzo’s other friends… -SOLD]
—-this is my line that indicates a shift in thought, prepare—–
Gimme a sec to shout out shout outs per the excellence of the site’s Ravnica Limited articles. From Nick Eisel, whom I beat in a PTQ, to The F, Noah, Julien, and Adam P., I find myself shaking my head at the vast amount of knowledge that cannot help but seep into my exact head that I shake.
I’ve done my share of sealed events and drafts, but not once did I consider trying to build a synergistic deck. I expect you to understand that I wouldn’t purposely do non-synergistic things, such as: Aether Flash in a deck with all dorks or Morningtide in a U/G threshold deck. Then again, maybe I would, I am bad after all.
Sure, I used cute combos here and there, but the suggestion that the cards in a sealed or draft deck, while undoubtedly not optimized ala Constructed ideals, can work together in subtle ways had, to this point, escaped me, mostly.
If I had the Comprehensive Dimir Mill PackageTM and Access To MoroiiTM, he was going in No Matter WhatTM. I wouldn’t stop to think that, whilst he’s A BeatingTM, the deck would much prefer to play a Good BlockerTM on Turn 4TM, and if said blocker Contributed To The MillTM strategy, So Much The BetterTM.
After a hundred Limited events, someone finally got through to me: using “the best” card available isn’t always “the best” plan and the word “best” takes on a wholly dissimilar meaning to “appropriate” when the framework of the entire deck is taken into consideration. Obviously, I’m still dreadful at Magic, but now I might actually think about a Limited deck as more than a composition of “the best” cards in my pool.
Or maybe I’ll stink up the jernt with a build so atrocious That Even FloresTM goes “dude, that’s bad.”
——–guess what————-
Here’s something that’s kinda neat, where “neat” is taken to mean “freakin’ weird”:
Jamie C’s last article (the first time) was posted 5-17-00
My first (as a semi-real DJ) was posted 7-27-00
::space for you to think about decks in general, ProsBloom is a good one::
Jamie C’s hopefully-not-the-last article (this time) was posted 10-3-05
My first (this time) was posted 10-10-05
Point:
There’s only so much bandwidth to waste on cantankerous New Englanders who suck at Magic and talk too much about their irrelevant and pedestrian-to-the-rest-of-us personal lives. Apparently, the ‘net ain’t big enough fer the two of us, least at the same time, i.e., Jamie C. and Johnny F. cannot coexist. Told you it was weird. Discuss in the forums!
———that’s what———–
‘Tis the night before the tourney, and all through the house… Nuttin’ much in the way of sealed deck prep. I kicked Berto’s ass with a Legacy version of Ichorid – hey, did you know Ashen Ghoul thinks he’s Ichorid, too? Gee, a deck with eight Ichorids, only four of whom need a single, yet oftentimes way-past-mildly annoying, Black mana to recur?
Wait! Do they use Tormod’s Crypt in Legacy?
Wait! Why would they waste actual slots on Crypt, when they can instead win the game?
Wati! Do you even play Legacy? Do you think you’ll ever play Legacy?
Wait! Did you spell it “Wati” above and leave it there to make Ted look abd? Hey, did you do it again with “abd?” Stop wiht the tpyos, ufcker! [Just you wati until the next New England GP… – Knut]
—–zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz———-
Okay, it’s after midnight the night of the tourney, and so much stuff happened you wouldn’t believe it. In reality, you would, but there really was an excessive amount of interesting ‘tings that went and happened. I’m sure I’ll forget half of them, even though I wrote 75% of them down.
First off, this is Maine, who could possibly be in the house? Obviously, Mike and Jeff Emmert are here, since they are the only “good” players in the state, other than me. Equally as predictable would be the appearance of Mouth, who realizes he should Top 8 by default, but the inclusion of Ken Krouner threw us all for a loop. Two Star City guys at the same tourney? You don’t say, which is how many words he said to me all day.
As we sat down to register, the guy on stage, mic in his hand, announced 99 players. That won’t do – it’s not round enough. Sure enough, in walks some guy called Andy Stokinger. Perhaps some of you may know the name; I’m told he is the original inspiration for the moniker “name player” especially when you finish above him.
Other than the aforementioned geeks, Crossroad guys who Top 8’d the first PTQ: Cory Abrams, Eric Corriveau and Ryan Brassard were also esta en su casa.
Oh, and some kid named “Dave Shiels,” who memory serves, made Top 8 at some random GP in Charlotte, where, again, if the story is correct, was a mere speedbump for a fella named “Krumb,” who was piloting a god-awful Ichorid deck. Can you imagine?
There were also two chyx, but only one played because she’s just that sexy in a room full of horny prepubescents.
Incidentally, this was to be the debut of The Rizzo Trade Binder; yes, after oh so many years, I finally put together a binder, since I can no longer afford to buy every card every printed for absolutely no reason whatsoever, but not because it costs $400 bucks a month just to heat my freakin’ house. Have I ever told you how bad I am at trading?
[To give you a clue of just how old they are, Rizzo and Ferrett can now have lengthy discussions about insulation tech, which may or may not be an ongoing discussion in someone’s blog. – Knut, still leaving in three days]
A few months back, I traded Brenden (okay, the store), a Collector’s Set, a stack of Ravnica rares, about 30 Urza lands from Antiquities and another stack of random kewl cards for $400.
Tip: before you trade, do not buy a current price guide, for you would not want to discover that the Collector’s Set goes for about a grand. It’s much better to check the prices from the three year-old Scryes you own and assume inflation doesn’t exist in the secondary card market.
The good news is that now I can go on and on and on about all the bad trades I made at the tourney. Perhaps I’ll list each individual trade, and we can discuss them in great detail. Perhaps I could write a weekly “trades I made” column. Hope hope!
They gave me the following tools in which to fashion a deck, punk:
INSERT “CARDPOOL”
Stop. Do not think about how you would build this deck. Instead, think of the absolute worst way a human being could possibly build this deck. Try as hard as you can, and conceivably a million monkeys/typewriters/centuries, could come up with this:
Gather Courage
Selesnya Evangel
Galvanic Arc
Firemane Angel
Sabertooth Alley Cat
Civic Wayfinder
Sell-Sword Brute
Oathsworn Giant
Boros Swiftblade
Fists of Ironwood
Spectral Searchlight
Boros Signet
Selesnya Signet
Blazing Archon
Siege Wurm
Sunhome Enforcer
Selesnya Sagittars
Overwhelm
Centaur Safeguard
Skynight Legionnaire
“…the suggestion that the cards in a sealed or draft deck…can work together in subtle ways had, to this point, escaped me, mostly.”
-Me, scroll up
Well, a Forest does tap for Green mana, and I actually have some Green creatures.
I’m sure there is a logical reason for playing three Sparkmage Apprentice – that reason is most likely to prevent my opponent from playing Mark of Eviction lol heh rofl. As much as I tried to justify this build, Overwhelm was the only reason I could come up with: lots of guys + they all get +3/+3 = I played three Sparkmage Apprentice.
I am bad at things. I mean, there were only about 15 playable Dimir cards, but to be fair, I still don’t see any alternative builds that excite me in this apparently average pool. Discuss in the forums!
Round One: Christopher Butcher G/W/b
I played a guy named “Kai Good,” now I get to Face The ButcherTM.
However, I’m seated caddy-corner to Jackie Lee, the aforementioned chyk previously mentioned afore. An observation:
She’s not necessarily sexy, or hot, or one of the girls you absolutely have to, er, “get with,” or whatever you virgin freaks call it nowadays, but she’s… It’s probably hard to explain to peeps that think Pamela Anderson is desirable for anything other than slapping around or recycling for plastic. I guess the older guys would understand this example:
You could jump into bed with her and the following words couldn’t help but come out:
Instead of having sex, do you think I could just, like, look at you for three days or so?
Every once in a while, you come across someone who makes you want to stop and, well, look at them for an extended period of time. Some chicks are hot, some are sexy, some are cute, pretty or just plain neato…Then there are chyx like Jackie that are none, er, all, some, er, I dunno of the above.
I win the roll and permit Chris the option of the first mulligan. So giddy he is at the prospect, he promptly does just that. I, of course, don’t. In this format, that’s an auto win, right, which is why you “let them play, let them play, let them play, let them play!”
Good luck Eli, Romeo, Bent, and all the rest of you non-getters of obscure references.
He comes out strong with Transluminant on turn two, while I take my lumps like a man. However, before the bruises could even start to ooze pus, I drop Wayfinder, Alley Cat and Giant, all of which act as a Festering Pustule Stop-GapTM.
He manages a Mossdog, then Fetters on my fresh Informer, but when I drop Evangel and she starts spitting out tokens like she’s Wakefield’s Personal Dinosaur FactoryTM, he begins to worry. When I cast Overwhelm with nine or ten beneficiaries, he stops worrying and enters the phase in which he scoops.
No, but close enough – “trample” is like so 1997.
The second game sees me playing first and taking a mulligan. Apparently, Chris felt guilty, because he also decided six > seven. Like the first game, he starts with turns 2 and 3 Transluminant. Do the math, it’s gotta be like, er, 2-1 for that to happen.
Nevertheless, I am good at Magic, despite not taking the proper amount of time to think how I would build this deck. Siege Wurm, Brute, Scatter and Enforcer all came to play.
Chris appears to be slightly color screwed – I get the impression he’s holding Devouring Light by the way he painstakingly leaves a Transluminant and two Plains open every turn. Whether he is or he isn’t, I can’t let him bluff; yes, I believe he has some sort of removal, so lets get it over with, k?
I serve with five or six guys, he blocks with his ‘Luminants, Watchwolf and Inconsequential GuyTM, and his removal for Enforcer turns out to be Gaze of the Gorgon. He ends up going to ten; my guy still dies as expected, though in a manner not quite befitting, but the look on Chris’s face is still one of impending doom.
When I play Evangel and Legionnaire, he draws, says “go,” watches me turn my guys sideways and scoops ’em up. While I’m aware of just how good I am at Magic, oftentimes I can simply roll over a color-screwed opponent.
1-0
Round Two: Brian Sui B/G/W/u/probably some r that I didn’t get to see
In game one, I keep a slow hand, and Brian plays first and smacks the turn 4 Imp/StrandsTM. I inform him that I invented that, er, “combination,” and he looks at me like I’m A Freakin’ RetardTM. I guess I am, since he killed my Evangel, Cat and beat the ever-loving piss out of me with Rotwurm and two Screeching Griffins.
Some players cast Imp/Strands, a Griffin or two, and Rotwurm, then kinda hang out a little and beat the opponent to death. Brian, still smarting from the “invention” speech, decided to rub it in with Hierarch and Shambling Shell. I think he got me down to negative 20, which made game two mostly irrelevant, since the points carry over.
Who keeps a hand with three Plains and Boros Signet? The guy who almost managed to fight through a Stranded Hierarch, Griffin, and bouncing Shell like you read about, only to double block the Hierarch with Enforcer that I could pump to three and a Wayfinder in order to kill it. I’ll wait for you to catch up.
I pump Enforcer and wait for him to sac his Shell to make the Hierarch bigger.
Me: Damage on the stack?
He doesn’t sac the Shell.
Brian: Sure.
He still doesn’t sac the Shell.
I pick up my guys and Throw Them AwayTM. He taps one Swamp.
Me: Oh. Yeah. Hee hee…
As an additional fun moment, Brian did get to Lurking Informant me during upkeep and prevented Blazing Archon from hitting the board.
I imagine Brian no longer thinks I invented Imp/Strands. I mean, hey, anyone can forget the aura grants the possibility of regeneration, right? Right, can’t they? Huh? Right!
1-1
As I amble away, mostly feeling carefree like I just changed my tampon to one of those brands that lets you swim, play tennis and ride a horse, I heard over the loudspeaker:
“The first 16 pathetic loser no-rates who drop get a free draft!”
I go to the score table, find my slip and check off “drop.”
Um… I know.
I dropped, me, king of “playing it out,” bastion of “I came to play, chief.” It was impulsive, I guess, and pretty much the first time I can remember dropping so early. Ordinarily, I like to accrue At Least Four LossesTM before I call it a day. I regretted it about an hour later, when the pairings for round three were going up. Too late.
Anyway… Me, Ryan Bressard – he of first runner-up in Maine’s First PTQ Ever – a couple fellas, and two kids who likely haven’t had their wet dreams, take our seats.
I remember my wet dream. Do you? Discuss in the forums!
This was an 8-4, keep all the rares you can draft. I intended to do just that, dammit, for I invented rare drafting even before I invented Imp/Strands.
Like I mentioned earlier, I was pumped and primed by Star City’s numerous Limited articles, and was anxious to get nutty with the Dimir Mill You To Death DeckTM. I remember their advice, and I readied to follow. However…
Draft One Deck:
3 Compulsive Research
3 Last Gasp
2 Induce Paranoia
2 Drift of Phantasm
2 Perplex
2 Dimir Infiltrator
2 Convolute
Tidewater Minion
Disembowel
Consult the Necrosages
Wizened Snitches
Circu, Dimir Lobotomist
Veldalken Dismisser
Tattered Drake
8 Island
8 Swamp
Dimir Aqueduct
I could draw me some cards and Transmute Like Nobody’s BusinessTM. Of course, when the only thing I can transmute for is card drawing or a wall, er-“defender,” well, can you guess what happens? A deck minus win condition equals loss.
In all fairness, I was paired against the other Dimir Mill guy at the table, and he had an entire one Entrancer to go with his entire one Informant. It turns out, some other guy had two of each, and he was playing Boros/Green. I guess he common drafted.
In said match, I, well, lost because he had two Infiltrators and Spawnbroker. Yep, it wasn’t because my deck was an ass neck, it was because his Roofstalker Wight did, count it, Twelve Unanswered DamageTM before I could deal. Infiltrator did the other eight, whereas in game two, he simply milled me, with much help from my multiple card drawing spells that helped me draw into more card drawing spells.
0-1
No matter; this is what happens when you Try To Draft Like Star City ColumnistsTM. No wonder they write all the time – they can’t win at anything, so they have plenty of time to put together articles designed to trick unsuspecting readers into sucking at Magic.
“Draft Dimir,” they say. “Mill deck is neato,” cry they. “Put a freakin’ win condition in your freakin’ deck, jerky,” they scream into the vortex that is my limited skills.
Alas, there is always another draft. But that one’s not free.
I finished up in time to randomly wander around round four in The Tourney That MattersTM, intending to record some interesting things. I think I did. To wit:
Andy Stok was playing Jeff Emmert at table one. Stok has the 4/7 guy which attacks: Jeff’s Watchwolf and Hierarch double block, with Veteran Armorer providing Ass FatteningTM and Nightguard Patrol just hanging out. I couldn’t tell if Jeff was able to regen the team if need be, but I thought he had a Green and White available, via a Signet.
In Andy’s grip: Cleansing Beam and two Seeds of Strength. I’m thinking This Isn’t Going To End Well For JeffTM. I figured Andy’d simply Seeds his guy and kill Jeff’s dudes. What he actually did was cast Beam before damage, targeting Armorer , who was blocking something Small And RandomTM, which coincidentally dealt two to gee, his whole team – Watchwolf and Hierarch was just an added lil’ bonus.
Perhaps this play is obvious to all y’all, but it wasn’t initially to me. However, what it does is give Jeff a couple options, all of which suck somethin’ fierce. Since this is all before combat damage, if Jeff makes a move, he’s screwed. If he doesn’t, he’s still screwed. The end result was Andy Let The Fatty DieTM, but had a couple small guys alive and well, Jeff buried his entire team.
The question is: does something seem like it’s missing from this equation? I read it directly from my notes, but still wonder why Andy wouldn’t save his 4/7 fatty. Or why Jeff wouldn’t regen his team, and if he does, would it matter anyway?
Bad Times For BeckyTM
This Isn’t Going To End Well For JeffTM
I wandered around a bit as most of the top table was shuffling up. When I came back, Andy had Pollenbright Wings on Sunhome Enforcer, which is sick enough without that Galvanic Arc he was wearing as well. I thought to myself: This Is Going To End Well For AndyTM. It did.
Meanwhile, right beside them at table two, Mouth and Jackie are facing off in the Visually Enticing Dimir MirrorTM. But Jackie, in all her infinite wisdom, decided to include Helldozer, Cerulean Sphinx, Moroii and Crypt KEEPER’s big bruddah, Sewerdreg, with her Entrancer/Informer package.
She lost the second game during her upkeep, despite a Junktroller in play and Mouth with one card left in his library.
Mike and I watched the remainder of this match, because it appeared Mouth was getting a little antsy. I know, say it ain’t so and gasp for effect.
Jackie made a number of play errors, which are incredibly easy to see when you’re not the one making the decisions. The most glaring of which was casting Compulsive Research on turn 3 or 4 and being forced to discard two lands due to the oops, I have like thirty cards in hand.
As she cast it, both Mike and Mouth sighed, as did I, but oh, for a different reason (sigh). In fairness, she did have a muscular grip of insanity, though confusing as to the exact order in which she should play said nuttiness. Still, when confronted with so many options, drawing more cards doesn’t seem the proper choice.
However, she got down a Sewerdreg, which started eating away at Mouth’s life. After each attack, his tell became more and more obvious: the realization that he better draw an answer in a freakin’ hurry had more than dawned on him and outwardly manifested itself in his dwindling composure.
Each draw step, he’d get a little more frustrated: he’d sigh louder, tap his lands more authoritatively, say “done” with a little more urgency, and generally start leaning toward tilt/implosion.
It didn’t matter how “poorly” Jackie played, and it wasn’t really that poorly; true, her plays were strictly Not OptimalTM, but they were enough to keep Mouth in a situation where getting swampwalked to death seemed imminent.
Example: Jackie has Strands in hand, and a choice of targets: Helldozer, Moroii or Sewerdreg. This is after she held it about four turns too long and missed at least one opportunity to clear out Mouth’s hand. Considering that ‘Dreg was The Key To VictoryTM, and Moroii was four-point Chunks Of LifeTM, she tossed it on Helldozer, and then proceeded to not attack, preferring to eat his lands at end-of-turn.
While Mike and I were discussing the validity of her play, one thing did occur to us: she was playing a very conservative game. For “conservative,” read: if she had a million bucks, she’d put $99,999 into ten separate savings accounts at ten separate banks, since the FDIC only insures to a hundred grand and, well, something could happen…
She may or may not have realized that her tight play itself allowed Mouth to live for at least three additional turns – turns in which he just might Draw An AnswerTM. However, her deck was vastly superior to his, and perhaps she realized that, given the long run, her cards were just That Much BetterTM, i.e.: she has more questions than he has answers.
When it became evident she could not possibly lose this game no matter how many miscalculations she made, a little disagreement arose, mostly because Mouth likely sensed that she could not possibly lose this game no matter how many miscalculations she made. They disagreed on his life total, which was eleven… ish.
Mouth got a little vocal, and, er, well, called her “a f*****’ idiot,” and not very quietly at that; he referenced the turn in which she discarded two lands. Although a number of players not so subtly suggested he may be, oh, gee, just a teensy weensy bit out of line, the head judge made his way over quick fast in a hurry, Rectified The SituationTM, and she proceeded to win the match.
Quick question:
If you were about to win a match against a player who is better than you, would you like to be called “a f*****’ idiot? I mean obviously you expect to be called “a f*****’ idiot,” the question is: would you like it?
Dear Mouth,
Question marks and exclamation points.
Love,
Just About Everyone At This Point
By the way, I’m aware that some women rally ’round the equal treatment: don’t hold that door for me, I’ll pay for my own meal you chauvinistic pig, what have you, but I’m from the school that says men should treat women with a little more respect than they treat other men. Because chyx are hot!
Regardless, it somehow seems worse to call a chyk “a f*****’ idiot,” than if it were some random guy, who I guarantee is much more used to hearing that exact derision, which, in Male ParlanceTM, is almost a term of endearment. You know how ten year-old boys pick on girls they like? We quickly figure out that doesn’t work very well, so we treat them better and treat our friends like crap, mostly because a) we wanna get some, and b) we’re too macho to say “I love you, man” to our boys.
It also somehow seems worse to call a “chyk” a “chyk” other than “female,” or “woman,” as well, but hey, chyx are hot! Discuss in the forums!
Round Five featured three interesting matches: Mouth against Jeff Emmert, whereas Jeff sought vengeance for Mouth’s earlier defeat of Mike Emmert. Hey, they have the same last name…
At table three: Andy Stok vs. someone who will never see so many tokens in their life, and at table one, Jackie against Brian Sui, he of “made Rizzo drop for the first time ever.”
Sui managed to eek out a game with Rotwurm DeathTM: run over everything, and when they get low enough, start feeding your artifact lands to Ravager/Disciple. Jackie may play conservatively in the rubber game, but you ought to see when she’s down one-love.
Meanwhile, I overhear Andy Stok say “Attack with these six tokens,” and I catch his opponent simply shaking his head at the utter futility of Trying To Declare BlockersTM.
I also catch Mouth’s Entrancer and Flighted Junktroller block Jeff’s Veteran Armorer and Sewerdreg, while allowing Mossdog to go through. After damage, Jeff cast Keening Banshee and finished off Entrancer, which was enough to Elicit A ScoopTM.
Mouth said something like “Everyone has a better deck than me,” which is odd, because Mike actually said Mouth’s deck was “Absolutely the bomb.” Goodness is in the eye of the beholder, and apparently depends on not only what you draw, but when and how useful it is at That Particular MomentTM. Weird, ain’t it?
Back to Jackie, The Conservative LassTM:
At some point, she gets out Helldozer, and proceeds to destroy the hell out of Brian’s lands, which include a Temple Garden and a bounce land. This leaves him with three Signets and one basic land to her Imp/Strands, ‘Dozer and Tidewater Minion. During his upkeep, he Works The SignetsTM like you’ve never seen, and does the Double Darkblast Dredge MoveTM on Imp, which she allows.
A turn later, he tries to Ribbons her Minion, which meets Convolute. I think she finally started to attack after he had zero lands, zero creatures, and zero hope.
Meanwhile, Jeff has Hierarch, Equenaut and Nightguard Patrol to Mouth’s Dimir Infiltrator, Fancied’ Junktroller and House Guard. Mouth casts Ribbons on Hierarch and it ain’t looking so bad. But when Jeff dropped Gleancrawler, Caryatid, and Boros Guildmage. Mouth drew a card and packed it up packed it in.
Shortly thereafter, the second draft finally got underway. I was told it was going to be per usual: rare draft to your heart’s content. However, apparently, the other guys wanted to do an 8-4, with a rare and foil auction at the end. I paid my Fifteen BucksTM, and I wanted to rare draft, damnit!
I asked Brenden how many peeps wanted to Change The FormatTM, to which he answered “Seven.” While I am always one to scoop to the crowd, I did try to get a lil’ sumthin’ sumthin’ in return:
Me: I wanted to rare draft… For my poor, sad and frightened children.
Someone Else: You’re taking rares away from his kids.
Brenden: I’ll give them 10 rares.
Me: Kewl.
I get seated between two small children Fresh From Umbilical Severance TM, knowing that I actually have to, like, do good if I want to, like, do good.
My first pick was Evangel, followed by Rotwurm, followed by five color averageness. At the end of the first pack, I was wondering if anyone had actually dropped during the draft…
Pack two was even worse, whereby I stepped into Dimir/Red/I’d-like-to-buy-a-vowel between two kids who are just now beginning to comprehend the ramifications of their erections. Heh, ramifications.
At this point, Mike wanders over, asks how bad I am at Magic, so I give him my, uh, “deck” to peruse. He says it’s not so bad. I disagree.
The 14 year-old kid on my right as he checks what I passed him:
“Who passes [Vitu-Ghazi]!!!!!”
The guy who snatched up a second Evangel, that’s who. But I did start to wonder: Who Passes Vitu-GhaziTM?
Anyway… Pack three, thanks to Mike’s ability to convince me that my draft wasn’t completely hopeless, shoots goodies like stories handed down for generations. It was as if a giant hole opened and sucked away anyone who would dare draft anything Green or White. It was also as if Mike thought long and hard about which card would be great to see in the next pack – and it was there.
Each pack thereafter, I received at least one very good Selesnya card, and often was forced to choose between multiples. Gee, do I pick Scatter, Transluminant, or Guardian…? Okay, I’ll take Scatter, so long as the next pack contains Guardian. Oh, it does? But hey, it also has Tolismir? Gee, I’d really like to get a Primordial Sage-There it is. While I did pick up two Scatters, wouldn’t it be great if I even got a-no, not the right Signet too… And here’s Guardian, all the way around.
After pack one I was confused. After pack two I was ready to draft at random, and after pack three I was ready to crush the living piss out of everyone at the table. I tease the youngsters, but it turns out they actually know how to draft and I simply suck at Magic.
Draft Two Deck:
2 Selesnya Evangel
2 Fists of Ironwood
2 Transluminant
2 Seeds of Strength
2 Scatter the Seeds
2 Golgari Rotwurm
Tolsimir Wolfblood
Primordial Sage
Gather Courage
Faith’s Fetters
Greater Mossdog
Pollenbright Wings
Disembowel
Guardian of Vitu-Ghazi
Selesnya Signet
Terrarion
Bramble Elemental
Conclave Equenaut
Conclave Phalanx
7 Forest
7 Plains
2 Swamp
2 Golgari Rot Farm
Yep, that’s, uh, 43 cards. Not quite sure why, but I think I did it on purpose because I’m just that good at Magic. I go Selesnya pack one, get maybe five playable cards and signals to jump ship, get hit with a ton of cards in every other guild but Selesnya pack two, then G/W out the ass in pack three? It’s like Invasion block, where you draft whatever the hell you want and let Stella get her groove back, ’cause the girl will.
In round one, I faced off against Wayne St. Thomas, who I think I had beaten way back when because he was mana screwed and, like I told you already, I’m good at Magic.
Game one sees him get mana screwed because I’m good at Magic.
Game two sees me attack with so many pro player tokens that I had to use Overgrown Tombs as proxies for pro player tokens. He went from 15 to 7 to a handshake. Seriously, the deck is like, good and stuff.
In round two, Shaun brings Boros to the table, and while I didn’t know he has the Little Red And White DorksTM, I did know my hand was a little slow. I managed to semi-stabilize around turn 5, which is, like, a real bad time to semi-stabilize against Boros. Next…
I decided to play first, figuring I absolutely have to against his Speedy BeetzTM. My deck loves me, which considering how much I love my deck, makes sense. He gets a quick Trumpeter, which does what most quick Trumpeters do: sits there like an annoying little d*ck.
He’s a 2/1 for two who never gets to attack. All he does is become annoying, but not annoying enough to bother removing until it matters. Gadiel may think attacking is the nut low, but when you have a 2/1 for two, you Turn That Sumbitch SidewaysTM!
Anyway… Trumpeter annoys me for a while, prevents my biggest guy from attacking or blocking until I pack the board with so many tokens that he has to stick him in front of something. He finally allows Rotwurm to attack, and I notice a conspicuous five lands untapped. I’m thinking he has Beam, and will wax most of my team and double block to kill Da’Wurm. No point in delaying, since there is nothing I can do about it… Except for Seeds in my hand. I serve, he taps three and casts…
Boros Fury Shield.
A bunch of damage gets through, he goes to 14, I go to 11, but have Eight ThousandTM tokens on the board. Okay, Boros Fury Shield seems like a bad card too. He’s in virtual top deck, while I toss down a nice big Sage and cast Transluminant and Evangel and, well, choose to draw two cards because I “may.” Discuss in the forums!
Game three is just about a carbon copy: he gets early dudes, including a Trumpeter, and all of them end up dying. He did play Master Warcraft early on, forcing my just-cast Evangel to trade with something not as good. Seeds saved the day, and made me wonder if Boros has any good cards with which to build decks.
Note: Seeds of Strength does not have convoke. I know this because I tried to cast it numerous times as if it did. Oddly, all of my opponents were aware of its Convoke-Free StatusTM, though none called a judge and got me banned.
Later in the game, Shaun did cast Beam and Cleared Some GuysTM, which would have annoyed me to no end if I didn’t have Tolsimir and Evangel number two in reserve. He did get to Fury Shield Rotwurm again, which got me to six, tho’ he went to oh.
The third round was against Matt, the Dimir deck of the table, and in game one, his deck does what any Dimir deck does when you put Pollenbright Wings on a 4/7 vigilance guy: shuffles up and preps for game two.
This was a very close game, but it came down to me making a desperation attack, forgetting something, him reminding me, and me smiling.
I’m at three, and will die to his constantly attacking and tapped Snapping Drake on his next turn. He’s at seven, and I have Evangel (suited with Fists), Tolsimir I just cast in my main phase, Transluminant and four tokens. He has three blockers available. I do the math and realize he’ll block just enough and I’ll die next turn.
He blocks Evangel with Informer, ‘Luminant with House Guard and a token with Entrancer, taking six from the three unblocked tokens. He goes to count the damage:
One trample from Evangel… Stop. Did you say “trample?” Oh yeah, Fists Grants TrampleTM, much like Strands grants regeneration… and six from the 2/2 tokens thx to me doing a Timmy with the main phase Tolsimir equals Just Enough To Kill YouTM.
I’m so good at Magic that even the rules regarding trample can’t stop me; though regeneration is a dizzying bitch. Regardless, the deck was sick, I’m sick, and I got eight packs for first (another Watery Grave, yawn), and the number one and two picks (Char and Life from the Loam, snore) from the rare/foily auction, and ten rare fatties for the fatty-loving chillin’. Good thing I pissed and moaned and had my arm twisted.
About this time, the Top 8 is announced:
1 Mike Emmert
2 Andy Stok
3 Dave Feinstein
4 Jackie Lee
5 Jake Sawyer
6 Jeff Fairfield
7 Dave Shiels
8 Alex O’ Connell
And first runner up:
9 Jeff Emmert by -.7%
I asked Mike if I could Shadow His DraftTM, you know; note what he picked, what he didn’t, kinda give a birds-eye-view of what good players do in a top eight draft. He initially said okay, but then realized that this was Going In The ReportTM, and if he made an iffy pick, all y’all would read about it and laff in his face forever. Alas, rather than face that kind of pressure from The People’s ReporterTM, he said thx/nah.
I Went To PeeTM or Grab A Candy BarTM or Look At Jackie For Three DaysTM, but when I came back, Mike had his jacket on and wasn’t present at the Top 8 draft meeting. Er?
Apparently, he dropped so Jeff could make Top 8.
Reason One: Mike figured, since he went 6-1, he would have gained enough points to be qualified for Prague based on his Ridiculous Limited RatingTM.
Reason Two: It’s his brother.
I think reason number two was a larger factor than number one, which makes for an act that might be considered, well, something I wouldn’t expect to see at a PTQ. Discuss in the forums!
So, they draft. There’s a guy whose name I could say I forgot, but when he introduced himself he sort of mumbled his name and I’m like, not the kind of guy that often says “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name, could you repeat it?” I much prefer to nod along like I got it so as to avoid looking too stupid; this is a skill that all married men eventually learn to master.
Anyway… He’s writing down Jackie’s picks, what she hesitated about, might have picked otherwise, exactly what the freak I was going to Do With MikeTM if he wasn’t a wuss who dropped a humanitarian ploy up in here so I forgive him.
I can’t see anyone’s hand, so I Take A Few LapsTM. When I return, Jeff, with his G/W/b beetz, gets to play Dave Shiels and his Dismisser/Mark of Eviction deck.
Shiels gets Dismiction Dismisser/Eviction in both games, and while it sure takes a very, very long time for him to Win Like ThatTM, he managed to do just that.
Andy Stok defeated Jackie, and since I was watching Jeff’s match, I didn’t get to look at her for three days. However, I did start looking at her immediately following their match, which may explain why I have no idea who played who in the Top 4.
I headed to The Chris Part Of The StoreTM where the food is, and see Jackie Sitting QuietlyTM, going over the list of her picks that The Nameless GuyTM wrote down. No, she wasn’t Wandering AimlesslyTM, or just Being Randomly GorgeousTM for no reason, she was actually going over her draft, pick by pick, and trying to learn something. Who does that? Apparently, someone who isn’t satisfied with Top 8.
Naturally, I found a secluded spot where I could like, look at her for three days, until Chris said “Rizzo, stop looking at that girl for like, three days, come out from behind that bookshelf, and put that thing away!” That probably didn’t happen. “Probably.”
Three days later, the tourney was still going on – this is the aforementioned Top 4 that to this day is cloaked in mystery. Me, Brenden and The Nameless GuyTM are standing around, shootin’ the breeze, and TNGTM brings up The Ichorid DeckTM, and wonders how long it will take for Wizards to ban Ichorid. Discuss in the forums!
I nearly fall down, positing that if Wizards bans a 3/1, then Something Is Terribly Wrong With LifeTM. He mentions that they did ban a 1/1 Black creature; I retort with: but he didn’t have haste! Or maybe he said that, or maybe I’m making all of this up and maybe I didn’t even go to the tourney, but if anything gets banned from that deck – and I highly doubt it – it most likely would be Tolarian Winds, for that is the card that makes the deck Truly SillyTM. It’s Just LikeWindfallTM, but “It’s no Windfall!”
Personally, I’d like to see them ban Grave-Troll, just so I could Tease WakefieldTM and his “Grave-Troll is utter crap” spiel for eternity.
Anyway… The finals. Dave Feinstein v. Dave Shiels.
Game one:
Shiels starts off with a turn 3 Shambling Shell, while Feinstein answers with Nightguard Patrol. Next turn, Sheils drops Dimir Doppleganger, which meets a Lightning Helix on Feinstein’s main phase. He swings with Patrol (Shiels – 18).
Turn 5, Shiels makes another Shell; Feinstein casts Viashino Fangtail and prepares to put a stop to any shenanigans. Shiels casts Museum Turkey (TM Abs), which brings ‘Ganger back to his hand, while Feinstein drops Equenaut.
The board:
Patrol, Fangtail, Equenaut v. Shell, Shell, Turnkey = Advantage FeinsteinTM.
Shiels roars back with Siege Wurm (roars, Wurm, get it? LOL!), which make me question the validity of my previous statement.
Fangtail hits a Shell eot, it gets sacced to the other Shell, now a 4/2. Feinstein serves with the Equenaut (Shiels – 15) and casts another Equenaut.
Sheils: You have two…
Feinstein: Three.
Shiels serves back with his Wurm (Feinstein – 18), plays his ‘Ganger and Mark of Eviction on an Equenaut. Fangtail plinks for one eot (Shiels – 14).
Feinstein serves with his flyers (Shiels – 8), and plays Screeching Griffin. He then sacs the Equenaut Marked For EvictionTM for Fiery Conclusion to kill ‘Ganger, and passes the turn with a pow, bam and booya. Shiels draws – it’s not a Wrath of God – and scoops.
Game two:
Feinstein’s turn 2 Boros Signet rolls into a turn 3 Fangtail; Sheils has nothing, and takes Fangtail BeetzTM (Shiels – 17) next turn. Feinstein also drops Nightguard Patrol, then passes it to Shiels, who promptly drops Clinging Darkness on the first striker, making him a -2/0, which Buries Target CreatureTM.
Feinstein attacks (Sheils – 14), then plays another Nightguard. Shiels draws and scoops.
Kudos to Dave Feinstein, who has been “chasing this for years,” although this begs the immediate question: if you chase it, will it come? Perhaps so, but “chasing” implies actually “going for” something, “making an effort,” or even “trying like, hard,” as opposed to “being rogue rouge,” “going through the motions,” and “Looking At Jackie For Three DaysTM.”
Not-so-regrettably, I’ll take my 6-3-2 at the release event, 3-4 from the extended PTQ, and the 4-2 from up yonder, combine them into a sum that equals 13-8-2 and call myself good at Magic, which, come to think of it, is precisely what I am. Better yet, I’ll eliminate the Ichorid mess and concentrate on Limited, which is the format in which I ExceLOLTM; whereas 10-5-2 > 3-4.
Damn, I forgot to a) mention all my trades, b) give first impressions of Guildpact, c) do the arrow thing, and d) blame Rosewater for everything.
Okay, lemme encapsulate for those with short attention spans:
Cards I don’t care about for cards I do.
Nutty.
frigginrizzo: <-
That damn Maro!
There. Now I feel as if I have almost caught up – apparently no big surprises lie on the horizon, although Kamigawa block is pretty much still a mystery; once it rotates out (hurry!), I will know just as much as you, and probably even more, since I am good at Magic, not to mention the new, undisputed, unabashed and unadulterated king of not doing very well at PTQs. Speaking of which:
See you in Prague!
Oh wait, I Didn’t WinTM.
Well, never mind then.
Incidentally, it rhymes with “Bog.”
Discuss in the forums!
John Friggin’ Rizzo