Fifty-Nine Cards And Contemplating Cameron: PTQ – NO

Ever wonder what it would be like if Rizzo did match coverage for the Sideboard? Well, you got that here. But with less swearing.

I finally had to face the fact that there is something wrong with the following decklist…

The Truth, take three:

4x The Sooper Dooper Sexual Trooper

4x Shivan Zombie

4x Emblazoned Golem

4x Blazing Specter

4x Skizzik

3x Thunderscape Battlemage

2x Flametongue Kavu

2x Crypt Angel

4x Urza’s Rage

3x Ghitu Fire

25x Lands

…okay, there are many things wrong with that list, but the most glaring is the inclusion of… I can’t believe I’m going to say this…

Nightscape Familiar.

“Houston, we have a problem.”

-Tom Hanks, Apollo 13

Ignore that quote – it’s so beneath me. And yet so accessible.

I want to cry. Isn’t the 1/1 sexual dynamo everything and an empty bag of chips that leaves you with the greasy fingers? He certainly is, but not in this kind of deck. Huh?

It took me a long time to understand that, while my boy treats me righter than Pat Benatar, he doesn’t belong in a deck that wants to spend as much of its mana on it’s own turn as possible.

But how obvious is that?

He works like a charm in a deck that plays draw-go and smashes things during end of turn… But in a deck that wants the speed burst he offers to cast additional creatures, he sucks.

Turn two My Boy, followed by turn three Blazing Specter, turn four kicked Battlemage is about as sexy as IBC will ever get… But what’s wrong with this picture?

Well, it has much to do with the fact that he just dies a lot in a deck that doesn’t want to – or can’t – wait until turn four to cast him with regeneration backup. Ostensibly, he becomes a one turn Fire Diamond that meets a Disenchant as soon as the controller of said Diamond attempts to use that extra mana.

Nightscape Familiar1/1


Creature – One Turn Fire Diamond

1B, skip your main phase: Regenerate.

Your red spells cost 1 less to play for one whole turn. Play this ability only if you could play a sorcery, and only once, because some son of a bitch will kill him as soon as you tap out.

Our muffin only truly shines in a deck that uses Rage, Fact or Fiction, Prophetic Bolt, and other funny end of turn spells, because what would an aggressive creature deck rather do: Cast more threats or keep open regen mana?

He works out fine for accelerating your threat out a turn earlier – say, Skizzik or Blazing Specter – but every friggin’ deck on Earth can deal with either of those guys rather easily. Is it worth tapping out for Skizz just to get him Repulsed… And then your opponent untaps and burns your 1/1 Little Black Backpacker?

Swing from that.

Plus, The Best Weenie Ever Printed is facing much additional heat in the form of Scorching Lava, which is really meant for our buddy Spectral Lynx, and the Fire sans Ice, which is really meant for regular, unspectacular 1/1s.

There is accidental hate for The Orgy Master all up in here, and leaving him open for said hate is bad times. In a U/B/R control deck, he only becomes vulnerable at the end of your opponents turn, which, if they wish to kill him then, can kill him and take four since you are in the process of Bolting them into oblivion anyway.

He can still get you that one turn burst of speed, but that’s not quite what we really want from him; he can be so much more. Just ask Alex Borteh. Or perhaps you can wait and ask the billion guys who will be playing 4x Nightscape Familiar as the only creature in their U/B/R decks this weekend.

-4x Bucket Of Love

Galina’s Knight is amazingly annoying: Skizzik, and I’ll kick that shizzou? Sure. I’ll block with the knight and take three. A more likely scenario would be this:

Sure. I’ll double-block with my knights and kill Skizz to death while my guys don’t even have to break a sweat, and I guess I’ll take a whopping one. Done?

Thunderscape Battlemage is already in the deck. Four Llanowar Wastes are already in the deck. I think you see where I’m going…

Consume Strength


Waste target pro: red guy and beef up Ravenous Rats to a 3/3, which should kill any random 2/2s that are silly enough to try to block.

3x Thunderscape Battlemage

4x Consume Strength

4x Ravenous Rats

What was I thinking when I built a black deck without 4x Rats? Um, duh. I haven’t done that since before Destiny was released. And it pisses T-bag off to no end, which is one hella bonus.

Of course, a brother can’t live without my radio:

4x Urza’s Rage

And my headphones:

3x Emblazoned Golem

Since blue is everywhere, and my green mana is starting to resemble more than the Battlemage enchantment kicker and Emblazoned Golem fattener, isn’t there a bear that makes sense?

4x Yavimaya Barbarian

While we’re on the subject of bears, let’s mention the Best Bear Ever Printed: Kavu Titan. 5/5 tramplers are good news.

4x Kavu Titan

And who can forget our good buddies Skizzik and Flametongue Kavu?

4x Skizzik

2x Flametongue Kavu

Blazing Specter is very good in an environment that has decks that don’t pack two-damage instants. IBC is not one of those formats, since everyone thinks it’s funny to use Scorching Lava, Fire/Ice, and other additional measures against Specter – Voice of All, Lightning Angel, Flametongue Kavu, Repulse, etc, ad infinitum – all determined to wreck Specter. Or The 1/1 Bitch On Wheels.

Plus, a good, fat three-drop never hurt, right?

4x Ebony Treefolk

Which ends up as this…

The Truth, version 4 and counting

4x Ravenous Rats

4x Yavimaya Barbarian

3x Emblazoned Golem

2x Flametongue Kavu

4x Ebony Treefolk

3x Thunderscape Battlemage

4x Kavu Titan

4x Skizzik

4x Consume Strength

4x Urza’s Rage

24x Lands

It’s official: This deck is ass. The three previous versions were only semi-ass, but this version is like a hairy ass in thongs on the beach – you don’t want to look at it, but you can’t stop staring in disgust/amazement/sexual confusion.

I should’ve called it”The Freak Show,” because it’s the fat lady and the half man and the monkey boy all rolled into one. While that is certainly a tantalizing – nay, titillating – combination, it doesn’t really seem to be the way to avoid yet another 3-5 day.

Naked Filipino house boy.

Swing from that, you politically correct jerks.

“Excuse me, Sir, do you have a problem?”

-Steven Williams, The Twilight Zone, The Movie

“I got lots of problems.”

-Vic Morrow, The Twilight Zone, The Movie

I’ll just play AndyJ.dec, which has a current record of 24-8 (run by three guys at four qualifiers) with a Top Eight to its credit thus far. Oh wait, the deck is a) too hard for me to play, and b) a deck that will likely be used for the remainder of the season by a few teammates; publication and discussion of said decklist would certainly not enrich their chances at qualifying, and c) a creation of one Andrew Johnson, who would beat the living stuffing out of me if I were to foul it by piloting it to another 3-5 record.

But mostly, he’d beat me because he is a mean teen. Heh, just like Teen Wolf. I think I just hit the ultimate nickname for AndyJ. You guys be the judge:

Should AndyJ’s new nickname should be”Teen Wolf?”

  • Yes

  • No

  • Maybe so

  • Meet me after class, Mr. Rizzo

That leaves me with one solution.

That was a pun, dammit. Pay attention.

However, the 4x Solution seems a little trite and pedestrian for my palate. I wanna shake it up, baby, and a little black just might do the trick… Or maybe not. But Vindicate, Spite/Malice, and Dromar’s Charm seem like good times. Although those friggin’ painlands are a pain in the something, especially since white is not known for punishing itself, being all high and mighty and morally enriched and all.

T-bag and I both came to the same conclusion: Play The Solution. In fairness, he did come to said conclusion about a week before I did, but I was busy making my decent R/B deck crappier and crappier by the minute. Of course, we can’t just play a Net Deck – we have to figure out how to make it much, much worse. And oh we certainly did, or at least tried our best.

Most versions run this…

4x Meddling Mage

4x Spectral Lynx

4x Voice of All

4x Galina’s Knight

…as the creature base, while the spells consist of…

4x Absorb

4x Repulse

4x Fact or Fiction

Okay, that’s sixteen dudes and twelve spells that we both found to be basically non-negotiable. That leaves eight slots that are up in the air, since we will use twenty-four lands.

Our gauntlet version ran 4x Stormscape Apprentice, 4x Exclude to make the cut to thirty-six, but there might be a lot of Borteh/Chapin/Taylor U/B/R or random creature-light decks floating around – perhaps we could find more appropriate cards instead.

However, we did agree that 3x Exclude seemed necessary, so that’s five slots that still need filling. And here’s where the debate started.

I thought that, in addition to the four Caves of Koilos, which were basically a long-shot draw to regenerate the Lynx or ping for one with the Apprentice, perhaps dropping two Islands for two Salt Marshes might make playing Spite/Malice or Vindicate some neato.

After all, a pro:blue anything has no way of being removed, and it can’t even be tapped down. Malice and Vindicate would take care of that problem, although killing anything at sorcery speed is risky business indeed. Even though Vindicate can kill anything, Spite/Malice offers much more flexibility, especially after boarding when the 4x Gainsay come in as a backup.

But what was really important was the fact that those Koilos pings were unbelievably annoying and never did make it harder for us to be killed by an errant Rage. Still, I thought the flexibility was probably worth the few life points that we’d surrender.

Dromar’s Charm was also up for consideration, only by me mind you, and only for about two seconds, as was Death Grasp, but again, only for a small period of time. After much testing, I found what T-bag found: 1) don’t mess with the mana – this deck needs to get white and blue ASAFP, and playing a Koilos as your second land can turn into immediate bad times vs. R/G, and 2) the tappers were actually pretty darned good when they survived – which, oddly, happened more than one would think.

After more testing I came to a separate conclusion: Drop the black altogether; drop the Koilos entirely. Screw the Lynx’s regeneration; there are only four Koilos in the damned deck anyway.

3x Stormscape Apprentice

Two slots left, and what to fill them with?

For consideration:

Angelic Shield

Samite Archer

Evasive Action

The Malice only part of Spite/Malice

The fourth Apprentice and Exclude


Lashknife Barrier

Dismantling Blow

Aura Blast

Wash Out

Teferi’s Moat

Keep in mind that we were mostly trying to tune for the advantage in the mirror, with additional love aimed at Jason Means Greens.

What I (and Zvi as well – hey, that guy is tech) came up with was Lashknife Barrier – for it is never a dead card, being a cantrip and all, and will make a hella difference in the mirror. In addition, it makes Scorching Lava and Fire/Ice wish they could deal three damage to my dudes… Except for the Lynx, of course, which we don’t care about regenerating anyway. And the fact that everyone else’s 2/2s will die to our 2/2s in combat was more sugar.

The deck:

3x Stormscape Apprentice

4x Meddling Mage

4x Galina’s Knight

4x Spectral Lynx

4x Voice of All

3x Exclude

4x Repulse

4x Fact or Fiction

4x Absorb

2x Lashknife Barrier

10x Island

10x Plains

4x Coastal Tower

Man, Confound looks like the Bombay in this environment. What deck doesn’t have cards that target dudes? Um, Tempo bounces stuff like it ain’t no thang – and now with red in the mix, it will try to burn stuff too. R/G targets like a mofo, The Solution casts Repulse for fun and pleasure, and maybe someone will play some of the following cards: Fire/Ice, Scorching Lava, Ghitu Fire, Terminate, Recoil, etc, whatever, forever. Just maybe.

In an environment that’s oh so”tempo-ish,” doesn’t Confound sound like a given? Well, it does to me, and it’s a cantrip too, which means that you can actually get something from that Rage aimed at Meddling Mage. And I heart cantrips. The tappin’ fool gets the deep six to make room for my


Perhaps it will suck. But what was I going to do – win this tourney through sheer play skill? Surprise might be enough to squeak into the Top Eight, and from there I can just intimidate people like I always do.

With my play skills being what they are, which can be kindly noted as less than stellar, I have to take a chance and try to outguess everyone else, for I won’t be outplaying many guys, no matter how good of a deck I pilot. And that’s what life is all about: How good is the damned pilot?

Punchline: Hey hon, don’t forget the coffee!

And Confound is my attempt to do just that: Outguess everyone. You could call it tech, but there is a large chance that my trickery will fall flat on its face. If that happens, then you all know that 4x Confound is not good times. Yeah, I know you already know that it’s only a Limited card. Or is it?

Now the sideboard was where things became tricky. There are many things to worry about, not the least being the wrong side of a kicked Rage to the diz. Harsh Judgment would take care of that, and any deck that used Rage would not ordinarily have an answer, save for a random Recoil or two. However, the card is very janky. Wait, that’s a bonus!

Facing down Skizzik and a kicked Titan didn’t seem like fun; Teferi’s Moat would take care of one problem, but was it worth any slots at all? Wouldn’t Hobble be pretty damned good in that situation, since we could handle one or the other with our protection dudes? And it’s yet another way to put cards in our hand?

4x Hobble

Perhaps that’s too many, but there are going to be plenty of dudes that we’d like to neutralize – and draw a card because of it. And if there aren’t, heck – it’s only four wasted sideboard slots. Okay, three then.

3x Hobble

I heart cantrips.

Let’s get this out of the way immediately:

4x Gainsay

Just in case you thought I forgot.

It’s possible that there will be a few Domain decks running about, so naturally Aura Blast should at least make a token appearance in the board and that’s exactly what it will do: Make a token appearance.

2x Aura Blast

Wait, what about Emblazoned Golem? And you just never know when someone will whip out a Masticore on your ass.

-2x Aura Blast

+2x Dismantling Blow

I heart cantrips. But I really heart cantrips that say”Draw two cards.”

And now we come to the T-bag, and Rizzo Almost Used At Regionals, Tech: Winnow. Hella good in the mirror, and what are the odds that a Domain player would play two Restraints? Or the R/G having two Familiars or Titans in play at the same time? Or double Ravenous Rats, Nightscape Familiar, Goblin Legionnaire, Lightning Angel, Flametongue Kavu, or Mystic Snake?

Well, I’d say the odds are good enough that

2x Winnow

is worth it. Maybe Tbag and I are wrong, but again, it is a cantrip, and will be nuts in the mirror. Pro: blue Voice? It must go away and I must draw a card for your impudence.

I heart cantrips.

Four slots up in here, and I really feel the need to fill one with Harsh Judgment. Really.

1x Harsh Judgment

But then again it’s really stupid. Or something.

-1x Harsh Judgment

The last four slots can be oh so many things: Wash Out, Moat, Angelic Shield, the fourth Exclude or Apprentice, etc. blah, misc.

3x Crimson Acolyte

Heh, I almost forgot about that bad boy.

One left, chiefs. Okay, another Hobble.

Man, is Winnow looking assier and assier until there is nothing but ass in front, on the sides, and in the rearview mirror.

2x Obsidian Acolyte because I have no idea

For a moment, I thought I’d call this deck The Truth, in honor of wasting my youth on a deck that never did materialize, but hey, it’s not like it’s the most original deck ever made, so I feel a little strange in naming it.

And what the hell, let’s go up to 4x Confound; if you’re going to take a chance, might as well jump in headfirst. Heck, let’s go nutty with 4x Exclude, dammit, ’cause it’ll be so much easier for me to a) register the deck, b) sideboard, and c) de-sideboard. And that’s what life is all about: My friggin’ convenience.


4x Meddling Mage

4x Galina’s Knight

4x Spectral Lynx

4x Voice of All

4x Exclude

4x Repulse

4x Fact or Fiction

4x Absorb

10x Island

10x Plains

4x Coastal Tower


4x Gainsay

4x Hobble

2x Dismantling Blow

3x Crimson Acolyte

2x Obsidian Acolyte

Heh; the sideboard looks like a Net Deck – okay maybe just a little – while the main does as well, with just a touch of Worst Player Rizzo decisions up in here. The proof is in the pudding: I can take a perfectly good Net Deck and make it perfectly awful with half-baked, ill-conceived changes.

Today (Thursday) I decided that, after losing fifteen games in a row to Chapin/Taylor.dec no matter how ridiculously I sideboarded, I would add red. Sorry for the last ten pages… I, um, just up and changed my mind.

As my brother used to say when he was in the 82nd Airborne: Beatchoo!

Rather than add another ten pages discussing why I did what I did, I’ll just list the deck, k? Perhaps some of you are beginning to lose your patience by now – Welcome to my world.

Know what? Playing The Solution, even with Confound (which I’m really glad I didn’t have to cast in a real tourney… Yet), is too Net Deckish for me. Here’s what happens after I get through with a perfectly good Net Deck:

The Problem

4x Meddling Mage

4x Galina’s Knight

4x Voice of All

4x Fact or Fiction

4x Repulse

4x Absorb

3x Exclude

4x Urza’s Rage

3x Fire/Ice

2x Lightning Angel

6x Plains

6x Island

4x Coastal Tower

4x Forge[/author]“]Battlefield [author name="Forge"]Forge[/author]

4x Shivan Reef (only eight painlands, chief?)


4x Hobble

4x Gainsay

2x Dismantling Blow

3x Crimson Acolyte

2x Jilt

“Quit being part of the problem…”

-Bruce Willis, Die Hard

I still heart cantrips, but I make bedroom eyes at direct damage.

Yes, I named the deck”The Problem,” for it has relevant meanings on so many levels.

Eleven pages and three decks; are you ever going to get to the damned report? Perhaps not.

Because this, the twenty-eight orphaned children…

4x Meddling Mage

4x Galina’s Knight

4x Voice of All

4x Fact or Fiction

4x Repulse

4x Absorb

4x Exclude (or 3x in some instances, you nitpicking bastards)

…can morph itself into this:

4x Undermine

4x Vindicate or Recoil or Dromar’s Charm or Gerrard’s Verdict

or this:

4x Mystic Snake

4x Kavu Titan or Armadillo Cloak or Gaea’s Skyfolk or Temporal Spring

or go back to the way it was six pages ago (U/W only), or two pages ago (U/W/R)

THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this point I have no idea what I’m going to play. And Becky wears a frown.

Are you as frustrated as I am? Hey, you can always click your back button, but I get to live with my annoying self all day. And I am annoying.



—–this is a line of demarcation—–see, it demarcs in a linear manner——

——and this line indicates that the tourney report part is now in effect——


I ran the following idea past a total of zero people for two reasons: 1) I didn’t feel like hearing the endless mocking, and 2) I didn’t want to be talked out of it. And to make certain that I could not be talked out of it in case I spilled the beans, I volunteered to lend about a billion cards to the CMU Pool Of Cardless Phenoms. That way, even if I do change my mind, I won’t have the damned cards.

I wanted to play too many decks at once, so, well…here, you bastards:

The Problem, Take 2:

4x Meddling Mage

4x Galina’s Knight

4x Voice of All

4x Fact or Fiction

4x Repulse

4x Absorb

3x Exclude

9x Plains

8x Island

4x Salt Marsh

3x Caves of Koilos

4x Recoil

3x Vindicate

1x Desolation Angel

On the day of the tourney, I realized that’s only 59 cards. Heh, more on that later.


4x Shivan Reef

3x Forge[/author]“]Battlefield [author name="Forge"]Forge[/author]

4x Fire/Ice

3x Breath of Darigaaz

1x Rakavolver

I’ll give you a second to figure it out…

Got it?

Good, then we may continue.

<Begin uproarious laughter and general ridicule here>

“Hey, bud, what’s your problem?”

-Sean Penn, Fast Times at Ridgemont High

“No problem at all, Mr. Spiccoli.”

-Ray Walston, Fast Times at Ridgemont High

I offer no great attempt at a heartfelt explanation or even some pathetic, twisted justification. It is what it is. Maybe it will work, and maybe it won’t. But I’m trying it anyway. Because I can. Because I want to. And because none of you will. Feel free to draw your own conclusions from there.

Hey, this is just a game, and I bet it’ll be fun.

“I got two problems. Number one, I ain’t playing [edit] games. Number two, you ain’t got nuthin’ to bet with.”

-Nick Nolte, 48 Hrs.

What do I have to lose, anyway? Heck, the main deck is decent enough to squeak out three wins. Maybe. And if the main fails a brother, in comes the serious friggin’ pain in an effort to take out the trash something proper, which could eke out three wins by its badself. Maybe.

So I’ll be right on par for a third straight 3-5 day. But I’m aiming for something a little better, chief.

Something better.

Something different.

Something Rogue.

Anything that isn’t 3-5.

“That could be a problem.”

-John Belushi, The Blues Brothers

And while I believe the idea has at least some merit, I can’t help but think that the card choices are all wrong. I’m second-guessing my second guess, which is nothing but a second guess of yet another second guess. I guess. And it’s the only deck I brought.

“You have problems!”

-Ally Sheedy, The Breakfast Club

“Oh, I have problems?”

-Emilio Estevez, The Breakfast Club

Ho, ho, ho, hey, hey, hey,

at the PTQ it’s CMU day.

That rhymed. Just as I intended.

For Theron’s eyes only:

Date: 8/23 or 24, I can’t recall

Location: Days Inn Meeting Room 3 or 4, Butler, PA. Take Rt. 8 to Butler and make a right into the parking lot. Go into the big building and follow the signs to the venue, or ask one of the skirts working behind the counter.

Format: IBC

Prizes: T8 get a box, with prizes down to 16, although the prizes are probably crappy.

Number of dudes: 168, with a few females up in here as well.

Number of Rounds: 8

Number of Diet Cokes I intend to imbibe: 10-12

There were like a billion people that I hung out or shot the shizzou with, and there is no way I can remember, let alone mention, them all so they can say”Look, I’m famous!” which might make the neglected ones feel neglected. So, like the staunch liberal that I am, I’ll just screw over everyone. Spread the pain, yo.

Let’s roll call all of the CMU-affiliated dudes who made the forty-minute trip all the way to Butler, PA in hopes of qualifying, shall we?

Forsythe, Aaron – U/G/R.dec

Johnson, Andrew – AndyJ.dec

Heiss, Nathan – AndyJ.dec

Cuneo, Andrew – Domain

Patnik, Mike – AndyJ.dec

Teamann, Teabag – The Solution

Rizzo, Douchebag – The Problem

Forsythe, Neil – Neilmar

Nick Eisel – R/G

Chas Tressler – R/G

Jeremy Darling – Domain

Elliot Beck – R/G

Downtown Andrew Brown – R/G, I think

Mike Magby – U/B/R w/out our boy

168 children in attendance, 167 of whom will intentionally draw with little provocation.

I feel confidant about my deck, dammit. And I can’t friggin’ wait to bust out the sideboard technology and blow people away. Um, sure.

It looks like everyone received their Player Reward token cards from Wizards on Friday – there were no less than five Bird, four Goblin Soldier, three Elephant, three Spirit, and four Saproling tokens being flashed around with style. I myself garnered four token cards for being a sport and getting beaten about the head for the last year. Alas, no foil Wasteland for Johnny.

Token cards: If you don’t have one, get one.

Aaron’s Dead Pool garnered much interest at ten beans a head. Fifteen dudes joined, and Downtown Andrew Brown was the big game, being awarded a point total of five, which means if you are in the pool and beat Andrew, you win five points. All the other guys were either one, three, or four points. At the end of the day, whomever has the most points takes home a C-note, with the runner up packing in sixty.

The Dead Pool: If you don’t have one, get one.

I smacked T-bag around for about half an hour with my Foily Five. Because I invented the format and know it better than anyone else. Um, huh?

Round 1: Andrew Smith, Necra Sanctuary.dec

Game 1: Andrew goes first, so naturally his turn-two Addle for blue is happy times for my Fact or Funny. And naturally, his turn three Addle for white is neato for my Voice of All. And it was sure funny when I dropped a second Voice (black, yo) and he replied with a Sabertooth Nishoba. Would two Necra Sanctuary be a good idea to cast over the next two turns? And for fun, a double-kicked Necravolver joined the fray. Ow.

While pile shuffling for game two, I noticed that one of the piles was short, and a recount adds to fifty-nine. Let’s check that again, chief… Okay, it’s sixty. I rule at math, and it only takes me two times to count to sixty.

Game two: I drop turn two Mage naming Necra Sanctuary, and Vindicate his next two land drops. I added two Knights for insurance and Repulsed, Recoiled, Vindicated, and otherwise made life miserable for him over the course of this exhibition in weenie-lovin’.

Game three: I have the makings of God in hand: Island, Plains, Mage, Recoil, Absorb. Oh, this was after a double mulligan too. While an Addle grabs an Absorb, I shrug it off and peel another. While Andrew’s Vindicate your Island is annoying, I shrug it off and peel a friggin’ Salt Marsh. From there, Easy A thought it would be good times to Vindicate said Marsh du NaCL, Addle a Facts or da, and drop double Sanctuary, Nishoba, double kicked Necravolver, and Spiritmonger.

My, that’s a lot of fat over yonder. However, I did manage to draw another Salt Marsh and watch as A to the Funny Vindicated it.

(I’m happy because I know I’m a savage cheater. But more on that next round.)

0-1 Silkenfist Order is in my sights.

Round 2: John Something, Something.dec

While pile shuffling, I again noticed a short pile. After three recounts I was left with fifty-nine cards needing sixty. Because I am a savage cheater, I call a judge.

“Sup, Zebra? I only gots fitty-nine, yo,” offers I, colloquially.

“Gimme dat deck, bitch,” spits said Zebra.

Interlude whilst Judge Judy check my credenza:

La-di-da-di, we came to party, we don’t cause trouble we don’t bother nobod-

“Rizzo, go see Guptil, you bastard!”

Mr. Guptil quietly shoes me away to a far corner of the venue and unleashes his fury like a woman scorned:

“You registered fifty-nine cards in your maindeck, and sixteen in the sideboard, while there are only fifteen cards in the board, there are fifty-nine in the main, which means you gotta come with me to the, um, back room,” instructs Herr Guptil.

You don’t want to know what horrors I endured in the Blackened Corridor of Judgary Cleansing. Suffice it to say that I will not be sitting down for many moons. Heh, a pun.

I manage to finagle a match loss for cheating my ass off by playing an illegal deck in round one – which, of course, still had to double mulligan with twenty-four lands and only thirty-five spells. Oh, and I get to add a basic land of my choice to the main.

What’s behind door number one? A brand new Swamp! And door number two that you did not choose? A fourth Vindicate!

(Mike don’t play dat. Ever. But I did not cry. Well, a little.)

About this time, I realized that my camera was on the fritz, spitting out errors like it was the Pirates infield. Try as I might, I couldn’t get that bad boy to do much of anything with any regularity. Alas, there will be few pics the rest of the way, although a few classic shots did play Gloria Gaynor and survive. And I do mean classic.

0-2 The Killer Whale seems oh so far away.

Round 3: Tom Troup, Fires

Game 1: Much to my amazement, Tom drops a Quirion Elves on turn two. I respond with Mage on Mongoose and watch as Tom plays Utopia Tree x2 and another Quirion Elves. Well, Voice of All flies, ya know?

Tom drops Fires of Yavimaya on about turn six or seven and starts to cast what I thought were teasers: Horned Kavu and unkicked Kavu Titan. I drop more weenies and negotiate trades with his dudes, all the while stocking my hand with utter gas. A Fact or Fiction revealed the following:

Absorb, Absorb, Repulse, Repulse, Fact or Fiction.

And this was when I already had Recoil x2, Vindicate, and Repulse in hand. Tom played his hand out, which made my cantrips sexy, and Recoiling his plains was funny. Eventually I was able to drop 2x Voice of All and fly over for the win, with me sitting comfortably at fourteen.

Game 2: In comes the sideboard tech.

We trade serves for a few turns: me smacking him around with Galina’s Knight and him poking me with Quirion Elves. When Tom got to fourteen, he realized that this race was not in his favor and dropped two more Elves and Kavu Chameleon, which made for a big ol’ defense along with Utopia Tree x3.

Um, Breath wif that kicker mechanic? Oh, and my guy gets to live? Another Knight and one swarm later, Breath became Unhappy Times For Tom.

1-2 Do I have a date with Gwendlyn Di Corci?

Round 4: Michael Izzo (I couldn’t think of anything clever to say either) B/W/G Arena

Game 1: His first two lands: Forsaken City and Forsaken City.

Game 2: Michael mulligans into Forsaken City and two painlands… But manages to drop a Lynx, which exchanges serves with my Knight. On turn five, I drop Voice Black and watch as he starts to remove cards form his hand en masse to untap City. I was sitting on Absorb x2, Exclude, Repulse x2, and another Voice.

Forsaken City works very well at times. The above times were not them. In fairness, Michael did draw like crap, while I drew like semi-crap. But I didn’t have the luxury of City to keep me down.

Afterwards, Mike and I did a little trading: He’s collecting a foil set of all the Dragons, their Lairs, and their Attendants for his wife. Playing sex-slave ante with your wife would be tech. I realized I had a foil Treva, but Sean McKeown got there first and adorned it with”The Sucky Dragon” and circled that amazing ability: Gain one life. Needless to say, Iz didn’t want any of that, but I chuckled to myself that Shante’s influence is ever-reaching.

2-2 Look out Kookus, here I come!

Round 5: Steve Hoch, The Solution with just enough black to piss me off

Game 1: He goes first and does what The Solution does: Drop a dude and protect it for ten turns. Of course, he also added a second dude. This game was over on turn three when I cast Mage and had it Excluded. Really.

Game 2: Heh, I get to go first now, chief, and here’s my dork to prove it! Unfortunately, I didn’t have the turn-three backup of Absorb, Exclude, or Repulse. But he had the turn six Exclude/Gainsay that just ended me. Tempo, schmempo, a brother played me like the lotto, yo.

Johnny Riz losing more money than Dave Del Dotto

If you step to me I’m gonna play you like the Lotto.

-Me, from old lyric sheets I found when I was a seventeen year-old rapper/DJ boy

I’m not sure when the tide turned exactly, because it was so subtle. After the match, I started to mumble aloud:”I’m not sure when I lost that game,” and”I had the lead but somehow lost it,” perhaps hoping that Steve would soothe a brother’s bruised sense of everything by offering me a backrub. Or a footrub. Well, at least I got to sign his Nightscape Familiar.

“The best fatty ever printed” now adorns the text box on Stever’s sexy two-drop. Actually, his mom got me to sign, since Steve was off gallivanting with nomadic groups of degenerate game nerds that were peeing in the hotel pool. And they didn’t invite me, damnit.

2-3 Hey, wonder where this is headed…Lead Golem, perhaps?

Round 6: Ryan Schellenberger, B/W/G Arena

Game 1: On turn seven, I drop Desolation Angel and kick that beeyotch upside the head. He’s at sixteen with only an Arena in play. So I lose, right? Well, yeah. He drops land (15), land (9), Tree, land (3)…anyone?”Voice Black” is the correct answer. And a friggin’ Deed next turn to blow his Arena. Hi.

From there, the fatty brigade came up in here with a vengeance: Spiritmonger, Necravolver (only double-kicked, in case you’re curious), and I think Jade Leech. He winds up Deeding away my Angel before he attacks – putting all of his dudes in the bin (odd?), but he regenrates Monger and beats the living piss out of me, whch saved me a trip to the bathroom after the game; I just went to the pool with Steverino.

Game 2: Sideboard technology is good vs. decks that like to kill themselves.

I drop turns two and three Knight, while Ryan answers with Lynx, Lynx, Tree, with no black open.

Man, yo Breath be kicking, my brother. Did you notice the synergy between Breath and Galina’s Knight? Yeah, thought so.

Game 3: I remain with sideboard tech.

I finally saw a non-pain blue source on turn five, which met with a Vindicate. My scoresheet:

19, 18, 17, 16, 14 (whoa, double pings!), 11 (ping and Lynx love), 10, 9, 8, 7, 3 (double ping and Lynx love), 2, 1, I FOUND AN ISLAND! 4, 3, DIE!

The pings were numerous Fire/Ice, Repulse, Exclude, Fact or Fiction, etc. And yet, the duty-free blue was nowhere to be seen until I had Timmed myself for, like, thirteen. Maybe seven pain lands is too many? That’s certainly too many when you draw five of them in a row.

2-4 I am Honor Guard… On the way to Ironroot Treefolk?

Round 7: John Giroir, Domain

Game 1: Me: Mage naming Mongoose, Vindicate your land, Knight, Vindicate your land, Voice Black. Scooperson in the hizzy?

Game 2: I still have no idea what he’s playing, but I go for the sideboard tech.

His turn two Fertile Ground makes it kind of obvious that my turn two Mage should name Restraint. And perhaps my turn three Mage should name Pheldy. And perhaps none of that mattered, since John pulled the Tyson Swigart tech in droves: Emblazoned Golem. Um, dudes were 6/7. And he dropped two on consecutive turns.

Funny thing: John decided to counter stuff this game. A lot of stuff. He countered my attempts to bounce his dudes on three conscutive turns. Man, 6/7s with counter backup and life gain are good in this environment.

Game 3: I go back to maindeck tech.

Turn three Restraint is sick times, while THREE Golems by turn 7: a 4/5, 6/7, and another 6/7 lead to me scooping in record time. Pikula is holy!

John Giroir is the king of 3x Fertile Ground. And me without Recoil. Heh. But I did get him to eight with my little 2/2 flying sucka birds.

2-5 I be da’ Dragoons… aiming for Wall of Swords.

At GP: Columbus, I gave Aaron the Beastie Boy tech gold chain with a Volkswagon grille ornament, but this time I kicked the Dooky Rope with a Mercedes emblem to Neilio. If a brother ain’t looking like all that, then he certainly could pass for a Mid-Eastern Pimp.

And if Nate Heiss and Neilio don’t look like live-in lovers, then I’ll eat Dave Meddish hat, socks, and tighty-whiteys.

Round 8: Bill Abston, R/G

Game 1: I’m at five, with Bill at eighteen, when I grab an Angel and kick her in the grille.

Game 2: Bill knows and loves the Angel, so he aims hella burn at my diggitty, which gets me to eleven. However, that Angel that I throw to the floor and kick like shows up and says”Race me, sucka duck!” Rather than scoop, Bill skewps.

In both games, Bill got off to very average starts, with Familiar beats that I blocked with Mages. Also, I’m fairly certain that he recast the same Kavu Titan about five times in one game: 3x Repulse, 2x Recoil, mixed up with 2x Vindicate your land, made life very repetetive for Senor Abston.

And the Angel actually done good.

3-5 I am Spitting Spider, which is hella good vs. Skies.

I went 3-5. Again. Really. I am someday aspiring to become mediocre.



Creature – Average White Band


When Medi-Ogre comes into play, choose target player. That player sucks.


How’d our boys do after the swiss?

1 Nick Eisel

8 Mike Patnik

9 Andrew Cuneo

10 Chas Tressler

13 Nate Heiss

15 Neilio Forsythe

18 Teen Wolf, or AndyJ if you prefer

21 T-bag

27 Jeremy but we unleashed a lion

33 Aaron Brockovich

56 Elliot Two Turntables And A Microphone Beck

75 Downtown Andrew Brown

78 Mike Magpie

93 Mr. 9-15 in three IBC tourneys

AndyJ dec is now 46-13 with two Top Eights.

Tbag was playing Patnik in round eight, with Tbag being 5-1-1 and Patnik being 6-1. The match finished in a draw and I stopped by just as I heard Patnik saying,”It’s your choice.” Do math.

Scotty T conceeded to get Mikey P into the Top Eight, since 5-2-1 wasn’t gonna cut it and 6-1-1 wasn’t a certainty. See Cuneo and Tressler as a point of reference.

Grayness abounds. I’m glad that I suck enough to not have to deal with things like that. I can see that helping a teammate into the Top Eight has it’s merits, but I can also see why T-bag wasn’t exactly jumping with joy to concede. Tough call. It’s almost like a philisophocal, um, problem.

And what is the right thing? Tip: There isn’t one.

Exclusive to StarCity readers: Pay-per-view coverage of the Top Eight!

Since I was too tired to even play Foily Five, and wanted to cheer on my boys, and am a writer guy, I figured that I’d take a couple notes, make a little love, get down tonight in an effort to a) make this report amazingly long, and b) perhaps shed some insight to a few readers that enjoy reading match coverage. And tease Nick a little more in printed form.

Quarterfinals: Nick Eisel, R/G vs. Mike Patnik, AndyJ.dec

Introduction, anecdotes about players, blah, who cares? Get to it!

Game 1:

Nick plays first, dropping a fat-assed Goose on turn two, while Patnik sits there and stares in amazement of such utter untargetable fatness. Nick serves Patnik to sixteen, then finally Mike whips out his first play: An Undermine of Nick’s turn five kicked Skizzo (Nick = seventeen). Shocked and stunned, Nick nevertheless turns his Christmas Goose ninety degrees and smashes Mike (Patnik = fourteen).

Patnik whips out the jammy: Nightscape Familiar, while Nick calls Mike a”geeky Magic nerd for playing that stupid Rizzo card,” and throws Scorching Lava at its nads, sending it into Sexual Deviant Heaven, and sends with his Kurt Hahn-Approved Fatty (Patnik = twelve).

Patnik hates to play spells, so he drops land and passes it over to Nick, who nuttily drops a main phase land before he attacks. Oh, it was Keldon Necropolis – make of that what you will. Nick – nut, or the new evil genius of Magic? (Patnik = ten, and he’d better get a move on or he’s going to the bin)

The Other Mikey P drops a Scuta and doesn’t even hesistate to kick his ass (Patnik = seven). Nick, being young, brash, and well, somewhat annoying at times, serves his Uber-fatty right up into Scuta’s grille. Patnik, being born at night, blocks, and Nick drops a Fat Tongue Kavu to finish the wounded and otherwise pathetic Scooter. For fun, he drops a little Kavu Titan as well.

Patnik drops another Scuta, but he wimps out and doesn’t kick it over here, baby pop. Nick ain’t tryin’ to hear dat, so he sends in the clowns: Baby Titan and Fat Tongue Kavu. Scuta steps up to and speaks to the hand – more accurately, the Tongue – and Nick uses his neato Necropolis (after damage, of course – this guy don’t miss a trick, yo) to throw said Tonguey thing at Mikey’s diggitty (Patnik = three).

Mikey untaps and Repulses the little Titan, likely hoping that Nick

kicks that fatty proper next turn, but all he does is play a stupid ass Thornscape Familiar and look through Patnik’s graveyard (why? who the hell knows, but it was very annoying), and passes.

Patnik, getting a move on, casts Da’ Facts main phase, looking for a Perish but finding this:

Probe, Salt Marsh, Swamp, Island or Ravenous Rats

He snatches up the second best 1/1 in the block, casts them, and Nick discards something that no one cares about (probably Squee). Nick activates Necropolis on Mike’s End Of Turn, flashes him two more dudes in his hand, and Mike packs it up packs it in.

Nick 1-0

Game 2:

Patnik is balls to the wall with a turn two Vodalian Zombie, while Nick drops Thornscape Familiar.

Mike decides to get jiggy and drops Ravenous Rats… But wait! Nick is special boy and drops Dodecapod. Nick, feeling smug as a bug in a rug, opens his mouth and sticks out his Fat Tongue, which waxes the Zombie, and brings the free 5/5 and the Familiar (Patnik = thirteen).

Mikey plays Our Sexy Bitch of a 1/1; Nick sticks out his friggin’ Tongue again, but Mikey taps one stinkin’ mana and Evades that Action, Jackson. However, Nick has the Beef (it’s what’s for dinner) Patrol riding shotgun on Patnik’s spikey head. The Rats block the Thornscape, Mr. 1/1 Lova Lova jumps up on the Pod, while the Tongue licks Mikey for four (Patnik = nine).

Mike plays an Island and is done. Um? Nick serves with his boys, but Mike drops a Rushing River wif da’ kicks into da’ mix. Damn, thinks Nick, then kicks up a Kavu Titan.

Mike plays another Island and is done. Um? Nick serves, and again Patnik has the Rushing River. Yeah, yeah, thinks Nick and recasts him wif kicks.

Patnik draws and is done. Um? Nick serves (Patnik = four) and gets all out of focus with double Mongoose. And that giant sucking sound you hear is Spikey Mikey scooping.

Nick brings home the bacon, 2-0.

Semifinals: Nick Eisel R/G (still) vs. Scott McMullen U/R/B

Game 1:

Scotty goes first, dropping The Best Familiar Ever, while Nick drops the crappy green Familiar.

Scott has no turn three play, but Nick thinks Christmas is coming and drops a Goose into the breach. Scott opens up the card catalog and goes looking for some Fiction, but only finds this:

Urza’s Rage, Salt Marsh, A Friggin’ Lair, or Salt Marsh and Fire/Ice.

He scoops up da wacky BFM mechanic, draws, plays a land, and passes. Nick does nothing on his turn, but he takes like five minutes to do so. Scott drops land and passes, but Nick End of Turn Ghitu Fires the regenerating Familiar – oddly, Scott does indeed elect to regenerate his dude.

During Nick’s upkeep, Scott casts Fire on his dumb green Familiar, but Nick has a response: He Rages the Cool As Hell Familiar into oblivion. Nick brings the Goose (Scott = eighteen)

Scotty Mac drops another Familiar on his turn, and Nick sends his Goose on a suicide mission right into said Familiar, who tries to regenerate, but not after Nick adds Scorching Lava to the equation. Nick also plays a Titan, who’s content to be a bear at this point. Scott does nothing on his turn. Nick reads Mike Flores religiously, and answered the question that was on everyones mind: Who’s the Beatdown? Unfortunatley for Nick, Scott answers the question with Malice.

Scott, again, does nothing on his turn, but Nick tries to get cute with an EOT Raging Kavu. Scottie Too Hottie Excludes that noise. On his turn, Nick gets off a kicked Thornscape Battlemage at Scott’s diz (Scott = sixteen), while Big Mac drops another Familiar and is done. Nick drops land and brings out da’ Skizz brings out da’ funk, but Too Hottie is waiting with Undermine (Nick = seventeen). Nick sends with his mage (Scott = fourteen) and turns over the controls.

Scott main phase finds some Facts hidden in a pile of Fiction, revealing this:

Terminate, Fire/Ice, Void or Agenda and Salt Marsh.

Playing cards out of the bin is tech, and Scott wants to try it on for size. However, he drops land and is done. Nick drops another Skizzy, and again Scott answers with Malice, while the regenerating Familiar blocks the Battlemage and lives to tell the story to his grandkids.

Scott drops Agenda on his turn. Nick attacks into a regenerating Familiar and is done, while Scott End of Turn casts Fire from the boneyard (Nick = fifteen), and repeats that neato trick on his turn as well (Nick = thirteen).Nick drops an End of Turn Raging Kavu and sends him along with the Familiar. Scott blocks the 3/1 and regenerates, taking two (Scott = twelve). On his next turn, Nightscape Familiar turns ugly and starts to beat. (Nick = twelve) Nick draws and scoops.

Scott 1-0

Game 2:

Scott mulligans (we call this a harbinger).

Nick drops two Shivan Oasis, while Scott drops Swamp, Shivan Reef and says”This is where Cameron goes berserk.” After about one second, this reporter guy cracks up and almost pees himself, while Scott does indeed pee himself. No one else gets it, so Scott drops Ravenous Rats, which snags an Urza’s Rage? Good trade or no?

Nick drops land and nothing, while Scott serves (Nick = nineteen) and brings Rats number two to the party, which snags a Scorching Lava. Good trade or no?

Nick drops a Jade Leech. Hi. Scott drops a regenerating Familiar. Hello yourself. Nick sends his fat mana fixer into the fray, and it devours a Rat. He drops a second Jade Leech. Hi, it’s me again.

Scott, still stuck on two land, drops Rats number three, which nets a Tinder Farm.

Nick throws his fat-assed green monsters at the Rats; Scott throws a Rat in the way of one and lets the other through (Scott = fifteen). Nick kicks a Scorching Lava at the Familiar, leaving Scott with just a lone Rat.

Scott finally finds another land: A Lair. He drops it and gates a Swamp, but has no play. Nick says”that play is really bad,” which was likely an attempt to sympathize with Scott’s plight – but it didn’t come out that way, and Scott was not happy at what he perceived as being kicked while he was down. Of course, Nick, being a young whippersnapper, didn’t really have a way to explain that it wasn’t supposed to be a jag-off comment, and the bad blood started a brewin’.

Nick serves with fatties, and the Rats take one for the team (Scott = ten). Scott lays a land and nothing, and Nick serves. One Leech meets Ice, Ice, Baby, too cold too cold, the other gets through (Scott = five) and Nick has the Ghitu Fire to finish him. Fatality! Or was it a Babality?

Tied at one

In shuffling up for game three, Scott looks at Nick and asks,”Do we have a problem?” Hey, he said”problem,” which is the buzzword for this report. That is def.

Game three:

Nick thinks for about three minutes, then mulligans this hand:

Forest, Keldon Necropolis, Skizzik, Blurred Mongoose, Thornscape Familiar, Kavu Titan, Scorching Lava.

That’s another harbinger.

Scott has the turn two Rats, which get a Familiar. Nick drops a girlie Titan, while Scott fortifies with the Good Familiar. Nick serves (Scott = eighteen) and Rages said Good Familiar. Scott pays no mind, dropping land and another Good Son. Nick drops a Goose and passes, while Scott is content to hold off Nick’s dudes and build up mana, which is bad times for the green mage.

Nick drops another second-best Familiar, which Scott allows, thinking that it’s bait. ‘Twas, yo, for The Tongue drops onto the table, but Scott is ready with Exclude. Nick now has zero cards in hand, while Scott has three or four.

A turn later, Nick peels a Ghitu Fire and aims it at the Rat’s melon. Scott Repulses the Rat, so Nicky Too Quicky brings the beats with Titan and Familiar (Scott = fourteen) and drops a Goose. Scott EOT Repulses the Familiar and drops another Rat, which dumps sucky Familliar into the bin. That, ladies and gentlemen, is technology. Next turn, Nick’s dude with a”kick me” sign on his back, Bloated Titan, bumps heads with an Exclude. Scott plays land, Nick plays land, and Scott plays, tada! another Rat that snags… Something that makes Cameron go berserk.

Nick draws Dodecapod (excellent timing by the way), angrily stares at it, then drops it into play. It resolves, which makes one believe that Scott got some ulterior motives up in here. However, he simply drops land and passes. Nick sends the team, with the Familiar blocking Da’ Pod and the Rats double ganking the Titan.

Hi, I’m Scott, and I have thirteen Ravenous Rats in my deck – here’s one more. Nick pitches a Forest, untaps, lays land, and Scott does the same. Nick peels a Jade Leech and really wants it to resolve – it does, much to the surprise of everyone that couldn’t see Scott’s hand.

Untap. Um, Void. Naming”Four.”

Dear Team,



Scottie Too Hottie

2Hots serves with Rats and Familiar (Nick = eighteen), while Nick draws and passes. Scott serves (Nick-16), while Nick kicks Skizzo’s ass up in here. Scott drops just da’ facts, ma’am, revealing this:

(Note: The above paragraph is an indication of the sheer agony that is involved in spellchecking one of Rizzo’s articles…. – The Ferrett)

Prophetic Bolt, Lair, Spite/Malice and Mo’ Facts Mo’ Fictions and Undermine.

Gee, which answer shall I take? Scott takes the Undermine and negates Skizz. (Nick = thirteen).

Scott serves (Nick = eleven), Nick drops a Familiar, and Scott End of turn Rages you in the teeth wif kicks, yo. (Nick = one). Scott untaps, throws Malice at Nick’s crappy Familiar and serves with Rats and his cool Familiar for the win.

Scott wins 2-1


Scott McMullen vs. Derek McClasky

Derek winds up with a big pile of cash and a bunch of packs, while Scott is going to Nawleans. I believe Scott gave Derek $250, but since Scott also won Aaron’s Dead Pool, garnering a hundred beans in the process, he got there on the cheap.

Eubroken alert! Yes, our little wonder boy came to spread the love and work the room. We realized that coming down from the Worlds cloud must’ve been humbling, but he was quite happy to smash people in the teeth, as evidenced by this team draft:

(From left, counterclockwise: Forsythe, Cuneo, Neilio, T-bag, Smiley Turian even though you bastards couldn’t get him to the Invitational, Eubroken, edt, a.k.a. Eric“that Dojo writer guy” Taylor)

Here’s a pic that represents edt getting all old-school:

(Aaron is beating edt down with Angelfire Crusader, Slingshot Goblin, and a fat Mire Kavu. Undetered, edt is hanging out and playing the role of Sol’Kanar The Swamp King. Yeah, Aaron won that game.)

When a bunch of smelly gamers are done gaming, what’s to do next? Pizza Hut, yo. T-bag, Neilio, and I were a”couple,” while edt, Aaron, Turian, Eubroken and his dad (I think?) and three other dudes that I have no idea who they are played the role of”noisy bastard customers.”

We went for the four-person dealio: Two medium pizzas and four trips to the suckiest salad bar ever. After filling up three plates that even old people consider too small, I make my way back to the table. Oops, I spilled my messy-ass salad all over the floor. Heh. Cleanup on aisle five. I got jiggy and threw caution to the wind and went back up to the bar – that’s your fourth trip, you scumbag, and we’re watching you.

The techiest line of the day:

“I’d like two pizzas, four salads and (Something you should ask Rizzo personally for – The Ferrett).”


“To go.”


On Sunday evening, the wife and I went to watch my friggin’ play finally be friggin’ read. Originally, it was slated to be first on the bill, but of course that was rearranged. In first spot was a friggin’ comedy. Ha. Ha. Yeah, it had me rolling in the aisles. And doesn’t this bode well for my serious play?

After a short intermission, the Mintbox joint took the stage. Somehow, the following banter was deemed hysterical by the audience:

Bob: Goddammit!

Joe: Yes.

Bob: Goddamn-what? Yes what?

Joe: You don’t even know what it’s saying, and it’s your life.

Bob: Yes, I do know what it’s saying!

Joe: Do you? Do you really?

Bob: Yes!

Joe: What’s it saying then?

Bob: It’s right in your [edit] hands! Read it!

Joe: I did. I am.

Bob: Then answer your own [edit] question!

That’s some serious comedy, ain’t it?

See you next week with the trials and tribulations of Sucky Player Rizzo in Akron.

I’ll be playing AndyJ.dec.

Or maybe Lava Zombie. With a green sideboard.

To go.

John Friggin’ Rizzo