Guys Seventeen and Eighteen

Allow me to present you with some interesting cards:

Card One
B
Made-Up Creature
1/1
Sacrifice Card One: add B to your mana pool.
Drain 1(When this card is put into a graveyard from play, target opponent loses one life and you gain one life.)

Card Two
B
Made-Up Creature
1/1
Sacrifice Card Two: target opponent loses one life.
Drain 1.

Card Three
B
Made-Up Creature
1/1
Sacrifice a creature: put a +1/+1 counter on Card Three.
Drain 1.

Card Four
2W
Made-Up Enchantment
Whenever a creature you control is put into a graveyard from play, Drain 1 and sacrifice Card Four. If you do, put four 1/1 colorless Spirit creature tokens into play.

Card Five
1WB
Legendary Made-Up Hot And Powerful Creature
2/3
Sacrifice three white creatures to remove target creature from the game and have target player loses three life and you gain three life and this templating stuff is hard.
Whenever another black creature you control is put into a graveyard from play, put a 1/1 white Spirit creature token with flying into play.

There is certainly a commonality among these “Made-Up” cards, but the question is: if these cards were real, would you put them into a deck? Ignore the fact that the synergy among the above studies in fiction is insane; it’s simply too bad they’re not real. If they were, maybe everyone would not have quit when they read the Guildpact spoiler.

Actually, the above cards are actually very real, sorta, a little. Just not in real life.

I checked my mail a few weeks back and saw a potential virus from someone claiming to be “Zvi Mowshowitz,” who you may be aware is employed by CMU West Wizards of the Coast. Gee, more random spam, but check it, since the subject line read “This isn’t a virus refinance your mortgage and gain three inches overnight!”

Three. Pfft. Like that’d help.

Speaking of Vanguard and segues, or sequi to those schooled in Latin much like I am very much not, I’ve been invited by target Zvi (or more likely target bosses, since I could taste a cringe in his email lol) to build a deck for the 2006 Magic Invitational, in the Classic Online Vanguard format no less.

Let’s get this out of the way because I know I’ll never hear the end of it…

I was probably invited because I’m good at Magic.
I was probably invited because I’m an excellent writer.
I was probably invited because I’m a brilliant theorist.
I was probably invited because nepotism – favoritism – preferential treatment – payback isn’t a bitch.

Nonetheless, it seems one hell of an honor if I do say so myself, and sho’ freakin’ ‘nuff I say just that with a word to matriarchs everywhere. What it is not, however, is something to be taken lightly, much like, er, playtesting, thinking about how you would build this deck, and ignoring the possibility of Gather Courage. After resisting the urge to reply “no, too scared!” I fired off something that may or may not have read:

Dear Zvi,

UR bad at magic.

Love,
Good Magic Player

Despite being bad at building decks, forum responses, determining rarities on post-Stronghold cards, and not dropping decks in toilets…I accepted.

I went to Wizards’ site and browsed through the available avatars for oh, four seconds, before I saw Fallen Angel. For those of you unfamiliar with Vanguard, you start the game with a sort of super permanent that affects game play. For all you old-school b-ballers up in the hizzy, think of it as your own private Enchant World that can’t be buried when another private Enchant World comes into play.

For reference, Fallen Angel reads:

Starting hand size: 0 hand
Starting life total: – 5 life
Whenever a creature you control goes to a graveyard from play, target opponent loses 1 life and you gain 1 life.

Thus, if this is your avatar, you start the game with seven cards and fifteen life. I think, though they’ll probably do some bidding stuff. No matter, rules are only relevant to the zeebs and their slimming Daniel Striped Tiger unis.

Whenever a creature you control goes to a graveyard from play, target opponent loses 1 life and you gain 1 life.

This is something I can grasp, get a handle on, take hold of and, well, understand.

Okay. Build a deck. For The Invitational.
You know, The Magic Invitational.
You know, the winner gets to make a card.
You know, fifteen, like, really good Magic players plus Mike Flores.

Considering that the entire breadth of my knowledge regarding both Magic Online and the Vanguard format could fit on the head of a pin with room leftover for Marlon Brando, Larry King’s six ex-wives, and every racist statement ever made by Kanye West and Al Sharpton combined, you could say I’m a little… rubbery. Then again, this is yet another reason why everything looks, feels and smells like my wife’s most delicate silken undergarments fresh from the dryer: soft, sexy and I can’t wait to try them on jump in headfirst.

It’s a wacky coincidence that Mirage was the first old-school set released. Hell, even Rosewater forgot the set contained both Dark Ritual and Lion’s Eye Diamond. My immediate real thought (that didn’t include Ritual and Diamond and breaking-Storm-Herd-that-doesn’t-work) was “hey, rebuild Friggorid even if it’s already Extended legal!”
This idea was dismissed because I’m an excellent deck builder.

My second thought was Bile Urchin. This guy, this one mana guy, sucks away ten percent of the opponent’s life while hitting a brother back with five.

Oh, sweet bonus time:

…and shuts down Jitte! Counters off Jitte! I tease Flores because as much as we all expect him to end up 0-16, he will likely surprise us. Or at least his round 16 opponent will by not showing up, thus getting Michael J. off the Schneid.

I wanted to build a man’s deck. If I can’t break the Fallen Angel, then why not bend it a little? This was an early take on said breakage:

I can’t wait to list the insane plays this sumbitch can pull off, but rather than do that, I’ll let you giggle, then actually think about this deck and find your own fun little nuggets. However, I will discuss a few things to prevent this article from being too small.

There are eighteen creatures that sac themselves, with Feeder able to make the others into Lava Darts Drains. That in itself is rather silly, even if it’s old news and I already told you all about severe beats of this ilk.

There is also a decent amount of card “drawing” (which the pros seem to love — sigh at pros): Bob, Tutor and Skullclamp, which really didn’t need to be banned. I believe it was Olivier Ruel who said, and I may or may not quote: “Dude, I draw a lot of cards, Skullclamp stuff and draw more cards. Somewhere in between, you, like, die.” Maybe that was Comer.

Carrion Feeder is the best one-drop ever. In this deck.
Promise of Bunrei plus saccable guys plus Ichorid plus throw in Teysa plus this deck equals not very fair, even if it makes colorless tokens. Wizards made Bunrei tokens colorless because they didn’t want me to break Teysa two years later.

I don’t know if this deck will fold to those built by the real deck designers, but it’s fun. So there.

The sideboard:

4 Kami of Ancient Law
4 Pithing Needle
3 Scrabbling Claws
2 Kami of False Hope
2 Solitary Confinement

This is how you build a sideboard for a format you never knew existed on a program that you do but have never played. Now, to metagame the impossible-to-metagame metagame…

First, I must assume the others will build their decks to take greatest advantage of their respective avatars, even though some of them may take an existing Extended deck, change zero cards and submit it just like I really wanted to do:

Chris Pikula
Ink-Eyes, Servant of Oni – At the beginning of the game, look at target opponent’s hand and choose a nonland card from it. That player discards that card.
x, pay X life: Put target creature card with converted mana cost X in an opponent’s graveyard into play under your control.

If he can fit in Meddling Mage, I bet he will, since it’s much better looking than that Shadowmage Infiltrator card. Still, I suspect beatdown from an old-school Deadguy and the father of those Meddling Kids, which I can’t look at nor even think about without lmao thrown in. Kudos to the broken mind that came up with that.

Dan Paskins
unknown avatar

He’ll probably build something shock Red gasp I don’t believe you! Beatdown with a British accent seems appropriate.

Adrian Sullivan
Birds of Paradise – Lands you control have ‘Tap: Add one mana of any color to your mana pool.

He’ll probably build a five-color love machine that is chock fulla confusing combos and hard-to-see-yet-dead-nuts synergy. I believe that within this complex maze of interweaving ‘tings and random stack abuse will reside a few cards that attempt to nullify the effect of an opponent.

Mike Flores
unknown avatar

I expect some hybrid of control that seeks to win with beatdown, at least after the opponent has left the game due to not being able to resolve a spell. Oh, and Jitte. Maybe.

Jamie Wakefield
unknown avatar

He’ll probably try to use Green creatures (um, okay) but no Grave-Troll (why, Jamie, why?) Beatdown? You betcha.

Wakeforest plus walk equals a good reason not to play Forests.

Alan Comer
unknown avatar

He’ll probably start with sixteen lands, cut a couple, and use cards everyone has to read. Without a doubt, this guy will build the weirdest, coolest, most arcane deck that will either break open every format ever, just Vanguard, or none at all. But it will be confusing, and that should be the goal of every distinguished deck builder.

Mark Gottlieb
Seshiro the Anointed – At the beginning of the game, choose a creature type. Creatures you control, creature spells you control on the stack, and creature cards you own that aren’t in play or on the stack have the chosen type in addition to their other types.

He’ll probably build something funny, or at a bare minimum, a deck that is filled with obscure references that reward those who “get it,” and punish those who don’t.

Gabriel Nassif
unknown avatar

Yellow.

The Japanese… I don’t know their tendencies, but I bet they figured out Teysa roolz.

Chris Millar
Stalking Tiger – Whenever you play a creature spell, you may pay 1. If you do, draw a card.

He’ll probably return to quarterbacking the Atlanta Falcons or playing for the Red Sox, but will most certainly write an article about his deck that includes delicious turns-of-phrases, obscure references, and more than a few lol moments. Bad cards too.

Stephen Menendian
Eight-and-a-half Tails – 1: Target permanent you control gains protection from a random color it doesn’t already have protection from until end of turn.

He’ll probably build OathStaxTurboTax, but if he doesn’t, his deck will most likely take full advantage of Dark Ritual, Lion’s Eye Diamond and a way to get them back and combo you to death. Those Type 1 guys: they loves fast mana, ‘specially when they can reuse it every freakin’ turn.

Andrew Cuneo
Serra Angel – Whenever you play a spell, you gain 2 life.

Considering this is the guy that played about thirty spells per turn at Grand Prix: Philly, I imagine he’ll find a way to gain so much life that everyone will simply concede to save time, energy, and their sanity.

JMS
unknown avatar

He’ll probably start with a Sealed Deck and go from there. If he doesn’t, he’ll likely include cards that no one knows in a way that no one understands to win games that he has no right to. Best JMS line ever (from his old-school StarCityGames.com bio):

“Wanna see his Brass Secretary deck? He has one.”

brasssecretary: <- not on Magic Online.

Whew.

Frank Karstan
unknown avatar

He’ll probably stay on Brainburst Premium that I don’t have, concoct a method for building the perfect Vanguard deck on his lap, and include both Seedborn Muse and an instant-replay camera.

That’s seventeen guys plus me, some of whom may or may not actually submit a deck, while there are sixteen competitors. Easy math indicates that, if everyone enters, there will be two decks that will not be chosen, thus be forever destined to suck third tit.

The first goal is not to be one of those guys. The second is to build a shudder good deck that takes unfair advantage of Fallen Angel. The third is to be good at Magic.

I’ll settle for two of the three. Any two.

On February 15th, one of the above artisans hit “reply all” to the Zvimail, and wrote something like this:

“I can’t figure out which cards are legal. Help a brother out.”

This let me know that at least one of the above good plus Mike Flores Magic players was having a little trouble in thinking about how they would build this deck. Since the decks are supposed to be in by the end of February, this bodes well for me. If a good plus Mike Flores Magic player has questions a mere two weeks before the deadline, then I don’t feel so bad about having to Ask Zvi the same question one week prior.

The next day, another guy hit “reply all” to answer the first guy:

“…there are no banned or restricted cards. Whether 4 Skullclamps is a good idea is another question altogether…”

thatguy: <-gets put on ignore.

I hear you asking: where is Cabal Therapy, or Cry of Contrition while you’re at it? They were there, and while making your opponent pitch a ton of cards in the first two freakin’ turn was cute, they’re not very clutch pulls around turn 4. When they came out early, it was gg, lmao, wanna trade. When they didn’t, the frown turned upside down.

The basic idea was to design a deck that could hold its own against beatdown if it had to, didn’t care too much about countermagic, and had the ability to “go off” anytime you could play an instant, sorcery, or in the middle of combat. Oh, and do not be guy “number greater than sixteen.” This was the next take:

As you can see, when the metagame is completely wide open, one must be prepared for anything. This may explain the ability to use Enlightened Tutor to shut or slow down as many deck types that I can imagine.

I also think that no one will waste maindeck slots on Disenchant effects, save for something with perfect utility, such as Vindicate or, to a lesser extent, Disenchant. Then again, if I think that, chances are someone else does too, which results in a game of “The Rock and his paper with scissors.”

Psst… Raise the Alarm plus Teysa equals Swords to Plowshares (reprinted sans annoying lifegain and it only costs 2BWW, takes two cards and three creatures… And I like it).

Pithing Needle is good for shutting down target things that peeps will try to abuse;

Scrabbling Claws, for target guys who think their graveyard actually matters (what nerve!);

Rule of Law, to destroy target Cuneo, Sullivan, and Comer;

Ghostly Prison, to neuter target Flores and Pikula, though not target Wakefield, who will probably have the balls to maindeck target Creeping Mold;

Aura Shards, because it’s good when you can take out an endless series of artifacts or enchantment on a single turn and you suspect you may need to but only include one copy;

And an extra Confinement, because it ends games against peeps who can’t, er, deal.

Kami of Ancient Law seems very iffy at this point, and may end up as four Kami of False Hope for two reasons: I hear Fog is good against too much beatdown (and Jitte!), and since it’s a White creature, it can help make Teysa plain ol’ silly, and she was already quite the flitty lil’ gyrl, even with her bum leg — see, I read the novels (Cory Herndon 4 Life!), because they came with the Fat Packs.

You may have noticed the enormous potential for this deck to damage itself: Bob, Delta, shock lands and the fact that I built it. However, when one of my guys goes to the yard, target Pro can gain one life, which, in this deck chock fulla guys that do just that on demand, can more than offset the unsexy play of Godless Shrine to play Bob that turns up Ichy.

While it holds its own during the first couple turns, it can explode into goldfish moments when you, I, or even your mom and you’re mom too, least expect it. There are few things more ready for sex than tossing down Jackie Teysa or Brunei with Feeder on the board and a grip full of one-drop Black creatures.

Play lots of little guys that can sac for Drain 1, Ichy Fodder and to make even more little guys, which will further enhance your ability to sac for Drain 1, make Ichy Fodder and even more little guys, which makes it even easier to sac for Drain 1, make Ichy fodder and even more little guys. Get it?

Teysa plus Feeder plus Black Creatures equals Disciple plus Ravager plus Artifacts.
Kinda.

Let’s try a few openers to see what’s up (and you’ll have to take my word that these are the first hands I opened and didn’t cheat too much to make myself look more awesomer at Magic):

Teysa
Skullclamp
Blood Pet
Carrion Feeder
Skullclamp
Overgrown Tomb
Godless Shrine

This is why you only include one Tomb: because you’ll always draw it. This is a fair initial seven; not ridiculous, but a certain keeper.

Turn 1: Land (ow!), Blood Pet
Turn 2: Draw Tainted Field. Smash face! fer one, drop Tainted Field, play Skullclamp and Carrion Feeder.

Now, when you play Tesya on turn 3 instead of saccing Pet to drop her turn two, you’ll have Feeder and Pet, which immediately offers you a potential three White creatures (including Teysa), and Swords online, not to mention a four-point life swing.

Instead of Teysa, you could feed the guys to Skullclamp and draw four cards. Decisions, decisions p’shaw they aren’t: drop men like you’re going camping with Ellen this weekend.

Turn 3: Draw Solitary Confinement. If you lose this game you are awful at life.

Unless I was in danger of losing this turn, I’d play Teysa now and Confinement on turn 4r, where I could start feeding my men to a broken artifact, get 1/1 flyers and drains as compensation, and fill my hand with pure, unadulterated love. Rinse first, then lather, then repeat.

Try another happy seven:

Raise the Alarm
Carrion Feeder
Ichorid
Blood Pet
Tainted Field
Swamp
Enlightened Tutor

Turn 1: Swamp, Blood Pet.
Turn 2: Draw Polluted Delta (why can’t I draw anything good!). At this point, the options are already jiggy. You can drop a land, sac Pet and cast both Feeder and Raise the Alarm, or go with Feeder, Tutor at end of turn for Skullclamp or Bunrei, but obviously not Confinement, since playing it without Bob, active Skullclamp or multiple recurring Ichies is, er, ill-advised.

The point is brokenness, and how much there is up in. Probably not a lot, but enough.

Once more with feeling:

Polluted Delta
Dark Confidant
Bile Urchin
Putrid Imp
Blood Pet
Promise of Bunrei
Swamp

This is pretty freakin’ sexy.

Turn 1: Swamp, Blood Pet (or Delta, get a shock land, Pet).
Turn 2: Draw Skullclamp. Oof. Whichever land you didn’t play, cast Bob, consider saccing Pet to play Skullclamp, but not without another land you don’t.

You’re set up with two cards per turn, Bunrei to assure a constant supply of bodies to get you cards and drain the bad guy. This is an attractive scenario. Next turn can’t help but make things even better…

Turn 3: Bob turns up a Swamp, draw Promise of Bunrei, double oof.

Drop the Swamp and decide between:

Casting Urchin and Imp and Clamping something to draw two cards (in any particular order); or casting Bunrei and saccing Pet at end of turn (no mana burn for us drainers!) to get four more bodies. Either plan has pros and cons, though leaning toward the conservative, especially with another Bunrei, is a fairly strong plan: you do have a lot of action, Jackson.

One more with no commentary from a guy who really doesn’t know what he’s talking about (think about how you would build this deck play this hand):

Teysa
Bile Urchin
Ichorid
Swamp
Raise the Alarm
Skullclamp
Raise the Alarm

I leave you alone for one second, and you go and draw this…? Oh, that’s right, you were on the play… Draw: Tainted Field. Boy, you are good at Magic.

Maybe this deck doesn’t have enough gas in the tank, and that has yet to be determined but likely will be, but it a) is a blast to pilot, b) can win with beatdown and combo, c) uses more bad cards that even Friggorid, d) is not only immune to Wrath of God effects, but bites back in huge chunks, and e) is probably just as difficult to play, if not more so, than the aforementioned best deck in Extended (at least for one day that I will never let anyone forget ever).

I realize I’m putting myself up for scrutiny oh noes! by posting the deck-in-progress before it’s due, not to mention letting the other guys build their decks to beat mine lol that’s exactly what they’ll do, but then again, it will give the participants time to think about how they would build bid this deck or dismiss it as utter trash and pray they don’t end up with it, not to mention metagame their way to immortality in the form of target card that bears their target likeness.

Then again, I’m likely to scrap this bad boy and start all over, because the deck builders will throw in one Disenchant and draw it every game just to make me look worse at Magic. For example:

Obi Wan sends his regards, but he’s spending the weekend at the Jedi Country Club with guys number seventeen and eighteen.

Benevolent Bodyguard sacs himse- Stop… mallet moment.

Regardless, the rest of the guys will take this task seriously and build killer decks, or not and throw together random assortments of cards that make me look brilliant in comparison. I get the feeling that the truth will lie somewhere in between. Hopefully.

Either way, there are three types of people in this world:

1. Good Magic players.
2. Good Magic writers.
3. People who used to hang with 1 and 2.
4. Guys one through sixteen.
5. The other losers.
6. People who do this:
7. People who wish me luck.
6. Because I’ll need it.
5. People who write a fifteen page decoy article.
4. And plan to build something else entirely.
3. Have a nice day.
2. Wuv,

1. John Friggin’ Rizzo