Ye Olde Inquisition

Mmm… Sobe. wasn’t kidding. This stuff is AMAZING. I love it. You should try it. It’s like Snapple on crack. Plus, it’s a lot healthier and tastier than a soda. My favorite flavors: Fuel (Strawberry), Energy (Citrus), (Orange-like), Wisdom (Mango), Drive (Fruit Punchy). And the caps say cool things, like Sobe Wan Kenobi and Sobemon….

Mmm… Sobe.

Jamie Wakefield wasn’t kidding. This stuff is AMAZING. I love it. You should try it. It’s like Snapple on crack. Plus, it’s a lot healthier and tastier than a soda.

My favorite flavors: Fuel (Strawberry), Energy (Citrus), Karma (Orange-like), Wisdom (Mango), Drive (Fruit Punchy).

And the caps say cool things, like Sobe Wan Kenobi and Sobemon.

YUM! I’m drinking one right now!

Anyways, by the time you read this, Pete Hoefling and I are on the way to the Tournament Organizer’s conference in Seattle. Jeff Donais will be there.

And so will I.

And so will the petition for a Type II Pro Tour!

So, at the very least, I’ll get to pitch it right to him. We’ll have a meeting of the minds and such, and I’ll let you know what the result is, just as soon as I finish convincing him! 🙂

If not, there’s always the ol’ AK-47 method. I’m putting it in my carryon bag, right now. I don’t see anything wrong with that, do you?

(Um, no kiddies. Omeed was *joking* about that last one. Let’s all try to remember that shooting people is a *bad* thing to do. In fact, possession of an AK-47 is pretty bad, too. What’s it for? Hunting?“Yeah, I need the firepower– I’m storming the heavily armed Deer Fortress. They’ve got antlers, dontchaknow.”)

The TO conference is a nice chance for everyone to get together and gripe.

AND, I get to go to Seattle. I’ve never been there before. So it ought to be interesting, all around.

Anyway, the point of all that diatribe like gibberish was to mention that I’ll be talking to Jeff over the weekend. So, if you signed the petition, wish me luck.

What I really want to talk about is Persecute.

That’s right, PERSECUTE.

Black is a color filled with cards that deserve to be printed in all caps. PERSECUTE is just one of the underrated ones. I mean, have you noticed that most every deck in Type II, except Yawgmoth’s Something or Other, is one color? One color. Like green. Or red. Or white. Or black. Or blue. Shockingly, these are the same colors you can name, when casting PERSECUTE.

Now, I’m not a big fan of persecution, as a hobby, or anything. In fact, the only thing I think you should persecute is the guy or gal sitting across from you.

“So… you like playing GREEN, eh?”

Now, if only there was some way to cast it faster. 2BB is kind of expensive. After all, how many cards will your opponent really be holding, come turn four? Maybe I should use DARK RITUAL. Wow, with DARK RITUAL, I can cast PERSECUTE on the second turn– or, if I play first, before my opponent’s second turn. That’s pretty good.

Now, if only there was some way to make sure I have both a DARK RITUAL and a PERSECUTE in my hand on turn two. You know, some way to look through my deck and pick a card that I want. I’d be willing to pay up to two life for such a card. I’ll just toss in a couple of these VAMPIRIC TUTORS. Heck, they’ll be good for something.

Now, I’m going to stop beginning paragraphs with the word“now.”

It’s amazing. PERSECUTE is not a MIND TWIST. It doesn’t wreck your opponent and the guy sitting next to him. But it’s still good. It functions more like Plow Under– it doesn’t win you the game, it just forces your opponent to play the rest of the game from a position of disadvantage. The disadvantage being that he or she has cast a couple of early spells, with luck, and, unless he or she can ride those spells to victory, the rest of the game is going to rely on topdeck skills. The good news is that there isn’t a whole lot going on with the turn one-two plays– and you’ve got some good removal like SNUFF OUT and VENDETTA, along with Powder Keg (which would be in all caps, if it were black card), to deal with those cute little one-drops. Yep, a turn two PERSECUTE, and life is good. The road should be all clear for your scary THRASHING WUMPUS.

Wow. Who let the THRASHING WUMPUS out of its cave? Jeez, he’s the most wumpusin’ Wumpus that ever Wumped a wump. THRASHING WUMPUS attacks. Take seven!


Take three.
Now take two more.
At the end of your turn, take two more.

Like the movie, directed by DAVID FINCHER (who may or may not be a black card). It’s amazing. Like an inferior version of FIGHT CLUB, which he also directed. Speaking of which, FIGHT CLUB is due out on DVD April 19. It comes out on VHS April 25.

Mark your calendar! I know I did!

Dis guy, de Wumpus,‘e’s a machine‘e is. SEVEN. And, just about any time you get disgruntled, he can force a draw game. And, don’t forget, dis guy, he mops the board. I likes some creatures that have a built-in PESTILENCE.

We don’t even have to get into the sideboard, with guys like PHYREXIAN NEGATOR. Then, there’s PERISH, DREAD OF NIGHT and MASSACRE. I don’t even know what those cards DO, and they’re in all caps!

Man, black is a machine.

And I think that PERSECUTE is one of the big reasons. The fact is, people hold cards, for whatever reason. Green’s busy dealing with echo. Red’s got a hand of burn and Squee. Black can only cast so many threats per turn. White just searches, instead of playing cards. And blue. Well, when was the last time you say blue playing tons of cards, all at once, without just killing you?

It’s like a boxing match (I don’t know why I’m up on this metaphor– I don’t even watch boxing). If you can get your opponent on the ropes, you can just pummel them. It’s going to take everything they’ve got, and a miracle, to pull them out of it, without a knockdown. Usually, you see the two boxers fighting, and one of them gets beat back into the ropes. Then, it’s a magical transformation– you can see it in their eyes. All the art and science of boxing is gone. It’s kill or be killed. Most of the time, the guy on the ropes gets clocked one time, his mouth gapes and his eyes roll. He goes down hard, and doesn’t get back up. The announcer’s shouting“IT’S OVER! IT’S OVER!” before the dude’s even on the ground.

And you know it is.

That’s PERSECUTE for you. A crushing blow.

John Sorrentino (whose name would be in all caps, were he a black card), once said of PERSECUTE that‘it’s so good that it makes multiple copies of itself bad.’ His point being, of course, that one PERSECUTE was such an effective lesson, that a second or third would often net you no cards, as your opponent would be casting stuff, either out of fear or necessity.

After all, PERSECUTE is not the only threat in your deck.

Of course, John made this point awhile ago, before the creation of Masticore. Now, all those crappy extra PERSECUTES and VAMPIRIC TUTORS have a use: feed the kitty! I promise you, if you’re feeding a Masticore a second PERSECUTE, the odds of your victory are Pretty Good.

SO bust out the Swamps!

Omeed Dariani.
Eic – www.starcitygames.com
Contributing Editor, Scrye Magazine

“I am become God,
Destroyer of worlds

-Should have been the flavor text on Armageddon.