Johnnny-who-ain’t-written-’bout-Magic-in-a-while is back for a one-shot. One shot, and I’ll be spent. But, you’ll really enjoy it and say how good it was. Heh.
Why would I come back now? Four words, Four-Eyes. The. Ferrett. Dark. Steel.
The Weasely One wants more eyeballs on the site. It seems that Romeo’s attempts at humor and gratuitous cheesecake (keep up the good work there, Potsie) aren’t quite enough. My hackmanship is apparently still in enough demand that I continue to warrant a picture in the writers’ archives. D@mn, I’m one gorgeous piece of man-flesh. Also, The Ferrett promised me Rachel Weisz.
FrigginRizzo <--- Checks with wife, who says it's okay as long as she can have Jude Law
FrigginRizzo <--- Checks with self, who says it's okay for wife to have Jude Law as long as he gets Rachel Weisz
Rachel Weisz <--- Who says it's okay as long as she can have Jude Law
Jude Law <--- Who says it's okay as long as he can have Rizzo
Just funnin’ witcha. Jude ain’t like that. You wish he was, though, doncha? Yeah, sure you do.
Since I’m all up in here being totally honest, I can confess to you – but only because I trust you and love you like a puppy loves tearing up soiled panties – that the new set has some goodies that I want to play with. Or, for those anal-retentive grammarians out there, with which I want to play.
FrigginRizzo <--- [card name="Punctuate"]Punctuates[/card] anal retentive grammarians
Heh. Or, rather,”heh.”
How could I just pass up a set called Dark Steel? Dark Steel sounds like . . .
{FrigginRizzo <--- [card name="Ponder"]Ponders[/card] several possible gay-p0rn-related references}
fun. Speaking of fun, I beat Nick Eisel at a PTQ once.
Last time I dropped a piece (sorry, no heh) here, I was in high Zombie mode. Do punk netdeckers think that’s a-gonna change when W-to-the-oh-to-the-tee-and-Cee gives me the goodies from something called Dark Steel?
Not likely, sucka duck. Especially when they gave me back my Terror in Mirrodin, too.
Yeah, I know. Terror wasn’t in the ol’ 7E when I played Battle of the Twits at the 2002 Maine States. You can get offa that bandwagon now, Geraldine. It’s over and done with. Like your sex life. Heh. Move on. Nothing to see there. Like your sex life. Double heh.
Ouch. I hurt your feelings. Twice. In one paragraph. Sorry. My bad. Here. Have a Girl Scout. Cookie.
“But, Rizzo, you beautiful man, why would you play Terror? Don’t you know about all of the artifact creatures out there now? Terror can’t kill them.”
Thanks for the advice, Trisha. I couldn’t read the card myself, could I. Oh? Whadya know? Right on the card it says”nonartifact . . . creature.” Wah. I’m crying like, well, you, realizing that you’re twenty-nine-going-on-forever and still a virgin. And, no, Rosie Palm does not count.
I don’t care. About Terror’s limitations or your lack of nookie. You coulda been an altar boy and gotcha some that way. As for Terror, she’s gonna take up with her big sister Dark Banishing. Whadya have to say to that?
FrigginRizzo <--- sez that's a spicy meatball
FYI, there, chick repellent, Zombies like to die. Ergo, they like Skullclamp.
Crap. Here comes a fine piece o’ babe, just as I was going to pontificate. Wonder what she wants. (As if I didn’t know.)
OUTSIDE – NEAR A PARK BENCH – BROAD DAYLIGHT
Fine Piece O’Babe wearing short shorts, runs up to JFR, ripe melons bouncing like, um, ripe melons.
FPOB
(falls to her knees in front of JFR, pleading)
Johnny, don’t fall for Skullclamp! Everyone’s doing it! Don’t be like everyone else. (Sobs into JFR’s pants)
JFR
Who the hell do you think you are, tellin’ me what to do?!? Do you know who I am? I play whatever the hell I want to play.
FPOB
(looks up at JFR, tears in her eyes, lust in her bosom)
I just . . . I just don’t want you to netdeck is all.
JFR
(beatifically)
No need to worry your pretty little head about that, Ms. O’Babe. Just because one uses the Skullclamp doesn’t mean one is giving into base urges like netdecking.
FPOB
Thanks goodness. (beat) Oooo, what’s this?
FADE TO BLACK
I can’t pass up a card called Skullclamp from a set called Dark Steel. Skullclamp makes me think of . . .
{FrigginRizzo <--- [card name="Ponder"]Ponders[/card] several more possible gay-p0rn-related references}
more fun. Speaking of more fun, did I mention that I beat Nick Eisel at a PTQ once?
For those suck-ahs who think the Friggin’ One is selling out because he wants to play with the ‘Clamp, learn a lesson.
LESSON #1: Copying a deck from the internet that someone two tons better than you has already used to win more money and women than you’ll ever be able to count is bad because you get no smarter and no better, and you still haven’t won a PTQ by doing it, have you Vanessa?
LESSON #2: Using one extremely good and fun card in your own deck isn’t evil just because everyone else and his sister-wife is also using it.
Of course, I could be biased because it’s me who’s doing it. Scratch that. I am biased. And you’re still wrong. Deal with it, Julie.
I’m making a deck now. Write this down. Wisdom isn’t often dispensed for free. When it is, you should recognize it and learn from it. You got your pencil sharpened and your wide-ruled, second-grade, just-learning-cursive-with-the-“g”-and-the-“q”-hanging-below-the-dotted-line paper ready, Ginger? Good.
I’m using Festering Goblin because he reminds me of the sores on my first girlfriend’s upper lip. She was cheap and easy, and I loved her for it. Many times. Kinda like your mother. Not yours. The kid standing behind you. Yeah, check out that ass. Go ahead, and stare. It’s not like you had a chance with her anyway. Might as well learn what the definition of callipygian is. Yeah, I’ll wait while you look it up.
(Romeo gives you woody food. I give you knowledge.)
Why do I love the Greeks? Any culture that is so appreciative of the beauty of the female ass that it comes up with a special friggin’ word for it has got to have your respect. Word. To your mother.
So, I’m playing with Open-Sored Goblins because they remind me of A Very Special Girl. I’m also dropping them in because I refuse to lose to that d@mn Disciple of the Vault and all of those crappy artifact creatures bending over and giving it up to the Arcbound Ravager.
Ravage her. Heh.
Festering Goblin is gonna die when I d@mn well say so ’cause I’m gonna give him the ‘Clamp. I’ll draw two cards, and I’ll kill your d@mn Disciple. Take that, you netdecking, knuckle-dragging fanboy. You won’t win cheap against John Friggin’ Rizzo. You want to beat me? You’ll have to swing with men.
Of course, you already know how to do that, doncha. What with all the practice you get swinging with men.
Hey, do you think the Festering Goblin is festering because he got the ‘Clamp? Really? Think about this: at least he can prove he got him some.
FrigginRizzo <--- Whips out his proof
FrigginRizzo <--- Exposes pictures of his offspring, you dirty girl
I’m also getting just a touch ticked off at seeing all those stoopid Goblin decks that pack Patriarch’s Bidding, too.
I said”touch.” Heh.
What’s good against that, and is also a Zombie? Think real hard. Yeah, harder. Harder. You look funny with your face all twisted up like that, you know it? He answer is Withered Wretch. Now, you netdecking, mouth-breathing Goblin lovers won’t think your Papaw’s Biddin’ is so cute, will you? And, I’m not going to be a maroon about it, either. I won’t drop the Wretch on turn 2 against you so that you can play your d@mn Pyronic Shockblast thing on it. No, I’m a-gonna lie in wait and drop that thang when I have mana open to take cards from your ‘yard. Might as well get your hanky ready right now ’cause you’re gonna cry like little Bo Peep who lost her sheep and can’t get off without them.
I tease Romeo because of his ’70’s p0rn-star moustache, but I gotta give the kid props on one thing. That Reaping the Graves he keeps pimping is as good as, well, seeing your name rolling in the credits. I thought Raise Dead was good for States. This is better. Let’s compare.
Raise Dead: Sorcery. Gets one card. One mana.
Reaping The Graves: Instant. Potentially bring entire ’80’s hair bands back from oblivion. Makes you look smarter than you really are. Three mana.
I’ll pay two more for that. I’m a writer now. I can afford an extra two here and there.
Oh, hell. It’s Bruce. Bruce is my alter-ego. He tells me things I don’t want to hear.
INT – HOME OFFICE – NIGHT
JFR is studiously theorizing about a Zombie deck. He giggles maniacally to himself.
BRUCE (V.O.)
You’re such an ass munch, you know that, John? Why do you think this deck is going to be so much better than the one you took to States a few months ago?
JFR
Because I’ve been reading the articles on the internet, you bothersome twit. Articles on the internet are always right. Believe everything you read on the ‘net, Bruce, and you’ll never go wrong.
BRUCE (V.O.)
You are such an ass.
JFR
And you are such a wipe. Goodbye.
Lazy fanboyz everywhere are sending in letters now. Actually, they’re e-mails. When you’re lazy, you don’t write letters. You just play Strawberry Shortcake on the PlayStation 2 and yell,”Ma, bring me another can of Cheez-Wiz, why doncha!”
Dear Friggin’ Rizzo,
Please, just spoon feed us a deck.
Thanks,
Your Lazy Fanboyz
Dear Lazy Fanboyz,
Whatever.
You’re not welcome,
John Friggin’ Rizzo
The Best Deck Ever
24 Lands
10 Swamp
3 Unholy Grotto
4 Vault of Whispers
2 Barren Moor
4 Bloodstained Mire
1 Mountain
24 Creatures
4 Festering Goblin
4 Withered Wretch
4 Gravedigger (good-lookin’ Tempest version only)
4 Lord of the Undead
3 Undead Warchief
3 Nekrataal
2 Gempalm Polluter
12 Other spells
4 Skullclamp
2 Reaping the Graves
3 Terror
3 Dark Banishing
15 Sideboard
4 Disciple of the Vault
4 Distorting Lens
3 Shepherd of Rot
4 Echoing Decay
Now, what you could do is look at the deck list and try to figure out why each card is there. Of course, you could take a shower before a tournament, brush your teeth, use deodorant, and not act like a complete tool. Heck, do all that, and you might even end up with a real life and a woman who doesn’t have to be paid to be seen with you. But then, you wouldn’t be the average Magic scrub that you are.
I know, I know. Saint Johnny asks for too much from the unwashed masses.
You need me to lead you by the hand, as per usual. You should be able to guess about most of the stuff. You’re good at guessing. For instance, quick, what gender are you? Looking at your breasts won’t help, either, Tommy Sue.
Still, some of the”tech” in here won’t be too obvious to posers. I’ll have to spell it out. Of course, the first thing you’ll ask yourself is,”Why am I such a loser?” That’s much, much too deep a subject for a simple piece on Magic. Let’s just say that acknowledging the problem is half the battle.
Next, you want to know why Disciple of the Vault is in this sideboard when I said how much I hated losing to it.
Dammit, think, Barbara, think. I may hate losing to it, but I won’t mind winning with it, capice? When I face a deck that likes to kill its artifacts, that sick little Cleric is coming in.
Okay, I can see you’re scratching your head over the next one, too. Do you realize exactly how much like a baboon you look like when you scratch your head? Stop it. Distorting Lens is, for sure, in Eighth Edition. Am I the only one who really looks at the spoilers for the base sets?
The Ferrett <--- Points to Rizzo's [card name="Battle of Wits"]Battle of Wits[/card] deck that used [card name="Terror"]Terror[/card] which was not in Seventh Edition
FrigginRizzo <--- Points right back with middle finger
The Lens comes in against those idiotic, sit-on-your-ass-until-your-opponent-gets-so-bored-he-falls-asleep-and-can’t-catch-you-cheating Mono-White Control and Blue-White Control decks that bring in Story Circle and Circle of Protection: Black. Just make your 6/4 Black Wretch into a 6/4 Blue Wretch, and swing.
Shepherd of Rot is for the decks that use Ensnaring Bridge or Ivory Mask. See how it’s loss of life and doesn’t target anyone? For the math-challenged troglodytes in electric ladyland, make sure you’re ahead in the life race so’s you don’t off yourself with this guy. You should never off yourself where others can see you, anyway. It’s not polite. Unless they’re paying. Fifteen bucks a head, minimum.
About Echoing Decay. You’re kidding me, right? Please, dear God in heaven, tell me that you know what the Echoing Decay is for. You know what? Just in case there is more than the usual number of mouth-breathers reading this, I’ll let you know that it’s good at killing swarms of tokens and anything with a butt of two or less. Yeah, I said”butt.” That made you giggle like school girl, didn’t it?
Okay, off with you now. Take my deck. In both hands. Yeah, just like that. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Learn it. Know it. Stroke it. Play it at Regionals. Earn money. Win packs. Don’t give me any. B!tch.
By the way,
Heh.
John Friggin’ Rizzo