Yes, it’s that time again. I know because my wife oh-so-flippantly observed that we have been oh-so-married for”darn near eight oh-so-friggin’ years, sucka duck.” Ah, the ol’ dome went and did some association:
Wedding anniversary time-ish: States.
Fourth Annniversary Time-Ish: States 1999
Johnny no-rate, no skillz, never-even-wrote-a-Magic-article played mono red. 3-3 with two maindecked Shatterstorms.
At least I got laid after the tourney.
5th anniversary time-ish: States 2000
Johnny no-rate, no skillz, yet somehow-managed-to-cozy-up-to-Team-CMU, played U/B Invasion goodies. 3-4 with a maindeck Cateran Slaver (go ahead and look it up).
Laid after the tourney? Yep.
6th anniversary time-ish: States 2001
Johnny just-moved-to-Maine, doesn’t know a soul, too-shy-to-ask-that-fat-girl-to-dance played Millikin Sligh. 5-2 and it just didn’t matter. Still no skillz, by the way.
But enough to get some after the tourney.
7th anniversary time-ish: States 2002
Johnny been-retired-for-a-long-time-now, had very few of the new cards, in honor of RevToby played Battle of Wits. 4-3. Those poor four peeps, huh? Skillz by now? Nope.
Got wet, though, right?
Hells yep.
8th anniversary time-ish: States 2003
Johnny hadn’t played since Grand Prix: Boston (no, the one before that one), had even fewer of the new cards, comes baby comes baby baby comes comes with:
Deux ex machina.dec
(since the only way this wins is by intervention from the gods)
(* indicates cards I borrowed from DJ (still, two years later, not a real DJ) because they were neater than the assy cards I had previously installed in the starting lineup)
*3 Carrion Feeder
*3 Festering Goblin
3 Maggot Carrier
2 Raise Dead
Pause for a moment to verify that yes, you just saw”Raise Dead.”
Pause for another moment. Yes,”Raise Dead.”
You may continue.
4 Skinthinner
3 Withered Wretch
*3 Shepherd of Rot
4 Gempalm Polluter
4 Lord of the Undead
4 Gravedigger
*3 Undead Warchief
18 Swamp
*4 Unholy Grotto
2 Barren Moor
Sideboard (in case the main deck isn’t already tweaked to perfection):
4 Bottle Gnomes
4 Ravenous Rats
2 Noxious Ghoul
2 Nekrataal
2 Terror
1 Dark Banishing
Terror: It’s actually legal this year, (IN-JOKE NUMBER ONE) but Crypt Keeper isn’t. (IN-JOKE NUMBER TWO)
Hey, JFR: did you notice that you have only two spells in your deck, and that Raise Dead is both of them?
Yes.
Okay, as required, advice on how to play this deck:
Don’t.
Hi, I’m an artifact – er, no, I mean I’m a white card. Uh, actually… Just look for mana symbols, dude.
I may have casually remarked that I’m not very happy about the new-look-but-it-ain’t-so-new-to-y’all cards, but they’re actually starting to grow on me. In places that concern me.
Equipment? Yes: Plen-T-Pak o’ Big Red, smokes, and Diet Coke.
A 13/13. For real. When Berto opened it, gasped, then handed it over, I gasped more loudly, then realized this guy is never, ever, ever going to be cast by anyone on the face of the planet. But little did I know that Wizards had an answer for that one: let’s make every creature 9GGG to play, and all the creature elimination 6BBB or 5RRR.
Say it with me: Flame-tongue-Ka-vu.
You know you miss him. And yes, he really was that good.
I have a few fun teach-Berto-mad-skillz-like-his-old-man-had-or-not decks. One has 4x Flametongue Kavu. Yes, he has aged like the finest of wines and the nastiest block o’cheese that you can imagine. If ever there was a card that needs to be reprinted in 9th Edition, it is definitely not FTK.
Someone once said that the entire R&D team would have to be hit by a bus before they reprinted Mana Drain.
Before they would reprint F to the T to the K, I would believe they would have to be hit by aforementioned bus, dragged beneath for ten city blocks, over broken glass, naked, while it’s raining, with any one of the Osbournes attached at the crotch, etc., misc. you git da’ picture.
CMU flashback: Three days after the prerelease of whatever set FTK was in, Aaron the relentless Forsythe played our 4/2 bundle of joy on one of my hapless dudes. He looked at me with a devilish grin as his eyes slowly scanned the room to verify that no one could hear what he was about to whisper…
“This guy is nuts.”
I considered for a moment, then shrugged it off. And immediately played Repulse on FTK.
You’re not sure if I was really that bad, but you find the mere possibility intriguing.
I just wrote a hundred and fifty words about Flametongue Kavu. In 2003. And got away with it.
Magic has changed. But I bet there’s one thing that didn’t:
The net…
Still has decks.
And all of you nerds still play them.
Did they help you win a PTQ? Well, perhaps.
Did they help your deckbuilding skills? I guess they could have.
Did they help you get laid? Heh.
I rest my case, damn netdeckers.
In the cavernous caverns and cavern-like vastness of hell, there lies a large, cavernous cavern, which is reserved for net deckers. I tease. Really, I love you all. xoxo. S.W.A.K.
‘Tis October 21th (or is it 21rd?), and I’m playing that deck on Saturday. What the f@#$ is wrong with me?
Answer: Many things.
Playtest data for Deux ex machina.dec:
October 20th, 2003
Berto and I head to Crossroads for some reason, but it may or may not have involved birthday money and a seven-year-old’s desire to hurry the frig up and spend it on something. For some reason, a fat pack was determined to be the apple of his eye. Kids.
I play exactly two games against DJ, who despite all odds has actually become a bone-fide DJ (or not), with a black/red version of Deux against his WW/r too fast mama deck. I didn’t win. Oh, and Phyrexian Arena is not a good idea against, well, anything that uses those new-fangled cards with the impossible-to-distinguish color schemes.
Since it’s been so long, and I feel I must bring many things up in here, I have decided to write the best. Tournament. Report. Ever. Not sure I can do it, but it may or may not be original, which counts for something. Right?
FADE IN:
INT. CROSSROAD GAMES — NIGHT
JFR, 34, gruff but silly, with an annoying cold sore on his upper lip, stands at the check out counter. Stares blankly at DJ, 20s, dead serious, in full contemplation mode.
DJ
If it has to be tonight… Four is the best I can do.
JFR
Would you do that?
DJ pulls four Unholy Grottos from his trade binder, pushes them over to JFR.
DJ
Now you take these Grottos, and you get yourself out of this mess.
JFR hesitates for a moment, then picks them up, stares like they’re religious artifacts. Blown away by DJ’s kindness. Fights back tears.
JFR
What are you eating under there?
DJ
Under where?
INT. JFR’S STUDY — NIGHT
JFR sits behind his desk, stares blankly at his computer monitor: A blank screen. Drops his left hand to his crotch, fiddles around as his right hand begins to type.
On the monitor, the words rapidly appear:”Yes, it’s that time again. I know because my wife oh-so-flippantly observed that we have been oh-so-married for ‘darn near eight oh-so-friggin’ years, sucka duck.'”
JFR suddenly bolts up, starts to moonwalk. Primps and preens in a mirror.
JFR
I am oh so very good at Magic.
In the mirror, his alter-ego BRUCE appears, laughs his ass off.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Nah, you suck at everything. You must lose.
JFR
No way, dawg. I banished you. You’re irrelevant.
BRUCE (V.O.)
How can I properly phrase this… Yes, I’ve got it: Heh.
JFR
Forget it, chief. I’m going to have fun, might even win a match or two. Then I’ll write the best. Tournament. Report. Ever.
BRUCE (V.O.)
I believe you. Or not.
JFR throws a 40 dawg oz. bottle of Schlitz Malt Liquor into the mirror, smashes it into a million pieces.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Oh, one more thing: good luck. Heh.
Bruce laughs maniacally, then fades into nothing. JFR slumps down behind his desk, flips through his deck. Comes to Unholy Grotto. Slams it to the table.
JFR
Bam! Cat in the face!
EXT. ROUTE 302 — DAY
JFR, all smiles, puffs away happily on his Marlboro 27, as he dutifully observes the speed limit. Pulls a CD from the console: Pantera’s”Vulgar Display of Power.” Pops it in the CD player, pumps up the goddamned friggin’ volume.
JFR
I am awesome at Magic!
BRUCE (V.O.)
Beg to differ, chief. All y’all suck something fierce.
JFR turns up the volume even louder, no louder than that, blows a kiss to himself in the rear view mirror.
INT. JFR’S STUDY — NIGHT
JFR sits at his desk, stares at a blank monitor.
JFR
Ah, what a tournament experience. Now, to communicate to the world my trials and tribulations.
Suddenly HEATHER, 27, springs in, kisses him madly. He pushes her away, but her hand drops to his crotch, teases. He bolts up, bitchslaps her. She smiles, kicks him up in the grille.
He starts to robotically type, her tongue goes into his ear.
JFR
Woman, leave me alone. I have herpes simplex fifty.
HEATHER
I love it. I want it.
JFR
But darling, I must write this report.
Heather bitchslaps him, flashes her breasts. He tries not to look, but can’t resist. Picks her up, bodyslams her to his very sexy leather chair, pounds her unmercifully.
TWO MINUTES LATER
Heather lies on the chair, spent in post multi-orgasmic bliss. JFR zips up, sits down at the desk.
JFR
I’m good at sex.
Heather mumbles incoherently, eyes glazed, in a fog.
JFR
Git out, woman! Now!
She falls from the chair, stumbles out. Barely manages to close the door.
JFR
Now, to begin. Ah, but I’ve already begun, haven’t I?
BRUCE (V.O.)
Have I told you lately that you suck at life?
EXT. CROSSROAD GAMES — DAY
JFR pulls his awesome 98 Plymouth Breeze to a stop right in front. Hops out, spiffy in his hooded sweatshirt and sexy ass jeans. From his lid to his Adidas Superstars, he’s one bad mutha.
He struts to the entrance and pushes through the door into the
GAMING AREA
Where the stench of a hundred and sixty adolescents crammed into confined quarters nearly floors him. He leans on a random guy for support. It’s DJ.
DJ
Rizzo! Smell that?
JFR
Yes, I quite enjoy… The put-ric-i-dity. Of our ci-ty.
They share a warm smile like only men who are very secure in their manhood can. Suddenly, BRENDAN, 30’s, quite the hippy, thrusts his hand into JFR’s grille.
BRENDAN
Rizzo! You are not very good at Magic!
BRUCE (V.O)
I second that emotion.
They shake firmly, grab each other’s asses.
JFR
And you, my friend, are a bastard and a son of a bitch as well!
They laugh until they cry. Eventually compose themselves, tenderly wipe each others tears. From behind, three thugs approach, knock JFR to the ground. He looks up, confused, violated, afraid. NICK, SETH and ERIC, young street punks all, peer down, bloodthirsty.
NICK
Rizzo.
SETH
You.
ERIC
Suck.
JFR
Et tu?
Everyone laughs hysterically as they help JFR to his feet. A quick round of ass grabs and a group hug. The moment interrupted by CHET, 20’s, a big son of a bitch, gives JFR a wet willie.
CHET
Rizzo! You…
JFR
Suck at life?
Everyone laughs until they piss themselves. CHARLIE, 20’s, flamboyant but in a heterosexual way, kisses JFR on the neck.
CHARLIE
Rizzo! I’m back from thee merchant marines! Argh, ’twas a time of it, indeed!
JFR
Did they make you swab the decks?
CHARLIE
Ay, and jaggin’ me all day long with thee mop handle, matey.
Charlie bursts into tears, a group hug soothes him.
JFR
Oh, fellows, fellows. Does my heart good to be back, but now I must excuse myself and retire to the restroom.
Everyone bows, then salutes JFR as he pushes through a hundred funky teens and makes his way to the
RESTROOM
Where he stares into the mirror. Winks, makes a kissy face.
JFR
I rule at life.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Of course. Please piss and exit this nasty, funky stench pit.
JFR steps in front of the toilet, unzips. Suddenly, his deckbox falls out of his sweatshirt, plops into the toilet. He frantically grabs the soggy box, curses his stupidity.
JFR
You gotta be kidding me.
BRUCE (V.O.)
What’s the word I’m searching for… Yes: Heh.
JFR zips up, bolts out the door, and rushes to the
FRONT DESK
Where he opens the deck box: The cards are soaked. They don’t smell very good either.
DJ
Rizzo! What happened?
JFR
I dropped my deck in the toilet.
DJ
Heh.
JFR pulls the cards from the sleeves, carefully wipes away the toilet water and other unmentionables.
BRENDAN
Rizzo! What happened?
JFR
I dropped my deck in the toilet. Please don’t tell anyone, ever.
BRENDAN
I promise. I will take this to the grave. (turns to playing area) Round one pairings are up!
A hundred and forty-four silly kids rush toward the front desk, lust in their eyes.
INT. JFR’S STUDY — NIGHT
JFR stares at the monitor, shakes his head.
BRUCE (V.O.)
You’re really gonna tell them about the toilet thing?
JFR
I must, dear Bruce. I must. Through my greatest fear is that no one will believe it.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Johnny, they’ll believe it. Trust me.
INT. CROSSROAD GAMES — PLAYING AREA — LATER
JFR sits at the feature match table across from JOHN KERTULIS. They stare at each other with nothing less than pure hatred.
BRENDAN
Okay, listen up! Before we begin, I must tell you guys that Rizzo dropped his deck in the toilet.
Everyone laughs uproariously. From the back of the crowd:
LOUD KID
That’s where it belongs!
Again, everyone laughs. JFR tears up, hangs his head.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Yes, poor Johnny.
As the laughter subsides and they begin to play, THE VOICE runs commentary.
THE VOICE
Round 1: John Kertulis with Wicked Mad Elves. Rizzo might get lucky, but don’t count on it. Game 1 sees Johnny K’s mulligan leads to not much when the best he can offer is 3 Defiant Elves by turn 4.
JFR (V.O.)
Holy heck, man, I’m awesome.
THE VOICE
Facing down Skinthinner, Shepherd of Rot, Carrion Feeder and Undead Warchief, John K. does his duty – which is live, barely. He draws, casts a 1/1 elf, but wait… Rizzo cycles Gempalm at end of turn, gets K to four.
JFR (V.O.)
Okay, don’t screw this up.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Oh, but you will. You must.
THE VOICE
Rizzo untaps, plays Lord of the Undead, sends in large men for the victory. I can’t believe he didn’t screw that up.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Call a judge for a deck check. Two words: Terror last year…
THE VOICE
Rizzo sides out 1 Shepherd, 1 Maggot Carrier. Sides in 2 Noxious Ghoul. And we’re on to game 2: JK plays little elves, JFR plays little zombies. It’s a trap! When JK has enough little elves for one day, Rizzo is gonna Noxious Ghoul! Ah, there it is: Perish.
JFR (V.O.)
Fresh! All I must do is attack and get with the bevy of hotties that I never leave home without!
THE VOICE
Unencumbered, and without cumbrance, Rizzo’s little zombies swarm. With double Lord of the Undizzy offering +2/+2 to all interested parties, JK’s life suddenly drops to less than or equal to zero – which, according to the rules of the game as printed somewhere by someone, must result in JFR, awful at Magic as he may be, accepting a standing ovation and undulation from a bevy of hotties with whom he claims to never leave home without.
INT. FRONT DESK — MOMENTS LATER
Brendan reluctantly hands JFR three packs of Mirrodin.
BRENDAN
Lucky piss-deck havin’ bastard.
JFR
Thank you sir, may I have another?
BRENDAN
May I have your mother?
JFR
Sorry, but I don’t get to make that decision.
DJ
Not anymore.
DJ and Brendan laugh in JFR’s face. He turns on his heels, heads to the
PLAYING AREA
Where he plops down across from RIC MERRITHEW. They stare at each other for a moment, then simultaneously pick their noses.
JFR
Biggest booger goes first?
RIC
Hells yes.
Ric pulls out a huge snot, flings it in JFR’s face.
RIC
I’ll play.
THE VOICE
Round 2: Ric Merrithew with Affinity. Game 1 away we go: Rizzo keeps a slow hand, Ric doesn’t and comes out of the gates with many things JFR can’t understand.
JFR
What the hell is going on? Are these cards even in English?
THE VOICE
After Ric dropped three or four things on turn 3, Rizzo stopped reading them and accepted that he is awful at Magic. Ric puts all his equipment eggs on one basket: a 6/6 double striking, trample, flying, spirit link basket. That’s better than Festering Goblin, Lord of the Undead. A little.
JFR shrugs, hides his pain behind a pathetic attempt at a poker face.
JFR
Why is the commentator using both past and present tense verbs?
RIC
I was wondering that, too…
BRUCE (V.O.)
To confuse you. Doy, guess it’s uh…working.
THE VOICE
Rizzo sides out 3 Maggot Carriers, sides in 2 Noxious Ghoul, 1 Dark Banishing. Whatever, on to game 2: Ric mulligans, JFR makes him pay something fierce. Feeder, Skinny, Lord, Shepherd gets him to 10 in a hurry.
JFR (V.O.)
Goodness me! I might be able to win!
THE VOICE
Ric manages to drop a little Myr and Grid Monitor. Rizzo frets not, and seems happy to drop an insignificant zombie in his main phase – Judge, Rizzo played a dude before he attacked…Heh. And then Rizzo provides service.
JFR (V.O.)
Please don’t block… Please don’t block….
BRUCE (V.O.)
He’s gonna block and you’ll lose, suckass!
THE VOICE
However, Ric doesn’t know that all he has to do is survive this turn and he’ll win. Ric counts up the damage… What’s he gonna do?
RIC
If I don’t block, I take nine?
BRUCE (V.O.)
Try hon-es-ty! Try hon-es-ty!
JFR (shrugs)
Are you gonna block?
RIC
If I don’t, I’ll be at one, right?
THE VOICE
JFR shrugs. What a bastard! Ric takes a moment to consider. And consider he should.
RIC
No blocks.
JFR
See this insignificant zombie I dropped in my main phase?
RIC
I do, bitch. What about him?
JFR
Well, Uncle Feeder’s gonna eat him and get +1/+1.
RIC
Then that’s… Hey, that’s ten, you bastard!
THE VOICE
Judge!
BRUCE (V.O.)
That will come back to haunt you, Jedi-mind-trick boy.
THE VOICE
That was sneaky, and I think Bruce may be right: It may come back to haunt him, yo. On to game 3: Suddenly, Rizzo is awesome at Magic: turns 1-4 drops, the pressure is on. However, Ric thinks turning a little guy into a monster via the too-much-equpiment route will be as fun for JFR as it is for him.
JFR (V.O.)
This is not much fun for me.
THE VOICE
Suddenly, an 8/8 pumpable, flying, every other ability except Plainswalk is incoming.
JFR
Oh snap, dawg…
THE VOICE
Ah, but Rizzo has a savoir: Skinny upside down. Yes, there is four mana – is a fifth nearby so Rizzo can punish Ric for putting so much stuff on one dude? Wait, Rizzo’s thinking….
JFR (V.O.)
It used to be wrong to put three or four things on one dude, because if he gets blown up, you lose many cards and look silly as hell. But with equipment, you are rewarded for playing like it’s the kitchen table: Load up yer guy, if he dies, not matter, Tex, it’s all comin’ right back to ya’! No fair!
THE VOICE
It’s JFR’s draw phase…that fifth land? Last chance: he needs to peel a land right now….
BRUCE (V.O.)
Cry a-go-ny! Cry a-go-ny!
JFR (V.O.)
I peeled a land!
THE VOICE
It’s Barren Moor! Wow, Rizzo is the worst Magic player on the face of the earth.
EXT. PARKING LOT — MOMENTS LATER
JFR trembles as he lights up a smoke. A large puff of second-hand smoke blows into his face.
JFR
Anyone wanna hear me whine about being land screwed?
CHET
Rizzo! Listen to my war story!
SETH
Rizzo! No, mine!
NICK
Rizzo! No, mine!
CHARLIE
Rizzo! I’m a merchant marine!
JFR
Please! Someone comfort me! Tell me I rule at life!
CHET
I’m a political science major.
JFR
Or”poly-sci” to those in the know.
Chet and JFR share a secret wink.
SETH
Rizzo! You cheated me at Friday Night Magic!
JFR
Yes I did. And then I wrote all about it in my article.
NICK
Rizzo! I could beat you up!
CHARLIE
Did you guys see my cool hat?
INT. JFR’S GARAGE — NIGHT
JFR sits on a stool, smokes. Looks really cool, too.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Why are you even bothering with this report? You didn’t win the friggin’ tourney.
JFR
So?
BRUCE (V.O.)
So? The”so” is that you have no tech to offer, no strategy, nothing of concrete value.
JFR
So?
BRUCE (V.O.)
How is it that you got a woman to actually have sex with you again?
JFR snuffs out his smoke, drops to the floor, starts to breakdance. Busts pristine footwork, triple swipes into a bad-ass windmill, which leads to an impossibly fast backspin. Ends in a neck bridge freeze.
JFR
I. Am. Tight.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Your mom is tight.
INT. FRONT DESK — LATER
Brenden and DJ takes turns givng JFR pink bellies.
JFR
Please, stop! It hurts me oh so much!
They laugh at JFR, then let him up. He pulls down his shirt, wipes a tear, then heads to the
PLAYING AREA
And sits down across from RICK MARSHALL.
RICK
I’m Rick. And you’re dead, putz.
JFR
Nice to meet you, sir. Gulp.
THE VOICE
Rizzo has no chance here, folks. See that, Rick dropped Vine Trellis. Does Rizzo have an answer to that? Yes he does: Another 1/1 zombie.
RICK
Heh.
JFR
I get to lose, huh?
THE VOICE
Rick drops, oh yes, Contested Cliffs and Ravenous Baloth. Exit stage right, Mr. Rizzo.
JFR
Tahngarth has a land now? Fair.
RICK
Pick up your weenies and go home, sucka duck!
THE VOICE
It may have taken Rick 750 turns to kill JFR, but he certainly did. Rizzo goes to his sideboard for 2 Nekkies, 2 Terrors – hey, they’re legal this year… And a Dark Banishing.
JFR
I like sideboarding because I can put in cards that might hurt you, Rick.
RICK
Yes, but I intend to blow up your lands.
JFR
Oh snap.
THE VOICE
Rick wasn’t kidding: Stone Rain, Molten, something and the death knell – Plow Under. I can only wonder how JFR likes this situation.
JFR
Rick, this isn’t very nice.
RICK
You are forever my bitch, bitch.
BRUCE (V.O.)
I like this Rick guy. But man, why is it taking 751 turns to kill Rizzo? Just get it over with already!
RICK
Man, you just refuse to die, don’t you?
JFR
Never say die. And please stop using your 4/6 guy, Baloth and that 3/2 regenerator to kill my guys.
THE VOICE
And there it is… Rizzo finally ran out of men. But fear not, JFR, you are one of the best sucky players left in the building. Now that the decent decks are out of the way, you might be able to steal a win or two.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Or not.
INT. RESTROOM — MOMENTS LATER
JFR stares at himself in the mirror. Flicks his tongue.
JFR
One and two. It’s okay, I can still bring it, right? Hells yes I can.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Drop your deck in the toilet and leave it there.
JFR unzips, pulls out his massive”thingie.”
BRUCE (V.O.)
Dude! Where’d you get that?
JFR
Man, this water’s cold. And deep.
EXT. PARKING LOT — MOMENTS LATER
Nick snatches JFR’s Pirates lighter, tosses it into the street, where it gets run over by an old woman on a unicycle. Nick, Seth, Chet, Charlie and Eric laugh. JFR shrugs.
NICK
We’re all awesome at Magic.
CHET
Except me – I intend to unintentionally draw a lot. I’m aiming for four wins, one loss, and thirty-two draws.
SETH
Rizzo! How come you used to think you were good at Magic?
JFR
I never did.
ERIC
One word: I own you.
CHARLIE
Me too.
CHET
I think I’m going to be a liberal when I grow up.
NICK
Rizzo, am I the cutest Magic player you’ve ever seen?
CHARLIE
I have a goatee and I sometimes play slow, often resulting in unintentional draws.
CHET
Charlie! Are we conjoined twins that were successfully split on live television?
JFR
Anyone got a light?
INT. FRONT DESK — MOMENTS LATER
Two stacks of fifteen pizza boxes. DJ stands behind, a huge wad of cash.
DJ
Two bucks a slice, three bucks for two.
JFR
Did I overhear you ask Pizza Hut if they could cut each pie into 144 slices?
DJ
Uh, no, I mean… I wouldn’t do that.
BRENDAN
Yeah, that would be – come on, Rizzo…
JFR
I’m going to sue you, Brendan. For everything you’ll ever own.
DJ
Come on, Riz. Didn’t I let you borrow my Grottos?
JFR
Oh yeah… (to random passerby) Two bucks a slice, three bucks for two.
INT. PLAYING AREA — MOMENTS LATER
JFR sits across from MIKE FYRBERG. They make faces at each other, then drop fists to the table and thumb wrestle. Mike quickly pins JFR.
THE VOICE
Rizzo has his work cut out for him here, folks. Mike’s with Control black and he aims to do just that: control Rizzo’s black. Heh, I made a pun. Look at that: stupid Rizzo played three guys…Infest, anyone?
JFR
Why didn’t anyone tell me about Infest?
MIKE
Live and learn, sucka duck.
THE VOICE
Rizzo tries to recover by dropping more dudes, and he just peeled a Grotto. Looks bad for Mike. But yes, that’s Visara ladies and gentlemen: A true fattie.
JFR
That’s a true fattie.
MIKE
Scoop now, tough guy.
JFR
Actually, I was thinking about cycling this guy… Lose five. Upkeep, put him on my library, draw him, cycle again.
THE VOICE
Rizzo deals ten to the dome. Fyrberg’s at a lowly five life… Rizzo has another Gempalm. This isn’t going to be pretty.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Who cycles a Gempalm into another Gempalm? Call a judge!
THE VOICE
That certainly stunned Mike, but he’s a psycho. On to game two. See, he just Infested JFR’s team again. No, folks, Rizzo didn’t learn. Still, he plays more dudes in an effort to get back into this game. But wait: A fattie hits.
MIKE
Visara. Is dreadful.
JFR
Bad for me.
THE VOICE
Why doesn’t Rizzo just scoop? No one can beat Visara!
MIKE
Serve with Visara.
JFR
Uh, I’ll, uh, take it.
MIKE
Consume Spirit for ten zillion.
JFR
Uh, I’ll, uh, take that too.
THE VOICE
It’s down to the rubber game – gotta like Mike here, since Rizzo sucks at Magic.
JFR (V.O.)
Jeez, I suck at Magic. But if I can only…
THE VOICE
Holy Pikula! Rizzo drops guys turns 1, 2, 3, and serves like a madman. Mike can’t find an Infest. And Rizzo goes for the jugular with Undead Warchief! Wow, serve for a whole bunch. Mike’s down to his last turn…
JFR (V.O.)
I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Or not. Or not. Or not.
THE VOICE
Mike has no answer. He has no answer. Why not!
MIKE
You are not tight at life.
JFR
No, I am not. Sign this match slip, please, you friggin’ loser.
THE VOICE
A vicious battle, but JFR and Mike have kissed and made up. It’s moments like this that make me proud to be a figment of JFR’s ridiculous imagination.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Yeah, but he dropped his deck in the toilet.
EXT. PARKING LOT — NIGHT
JFR bolts through the door, knocks over a group of children.
JFR
I’m too and too!
CHET
Rizzo! Right words, wrong spelling!
JFR
Oh snap! I mean,”I’m two and two!”
NICK
Chet is so smart.
ERIC
With such a warm heart.
SETH
Yes, he’s going to be a commie leftist pinko when he grows up.
CHARLIE
Then I can attack him from my merchant marine vessel! Dread Pirate Roberts 4ever!
JFR
At least I didn’t say”I’m to and to.”
CHET
That woulda been bad.
JFR
Poli… Sci.
JFR and Chet share a stolen wink. Nick, Eric and Charlie look confused.
INT. JFR’S STUDY — NIGHT
JFR looks at the time display in the lower right hand corner of the monitor: 10:29 P.M. Yes, Windows, because he is Linux ignorant.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Pack it in, dude, you have to work tomorrow.
JFR
Uh, don’t I work seven days a week?
BRUCE (V.O.)
You’re right. Stay up and suck even more at your job.
JFR
Good idea, Bruce. You’ve been so helpful to me all these years.
INT. PLAYING AREA — LATER
JFR plops down across from JOSH VELSEN. They scowl at each other. Blood dribbles from JFR’s lips. Josh spits fire.
THE VOICE
Oh, it’s on, bruddahs!
JFR
I am good at Magic, Josh. I am very good at Magic.
JOSH
I’m better. And I’m very young. Thus, feel my wrath, old bastard!
THE VOICE
This could get ugly fast. In fact, it just did. Rizzo plays dudes turns 1, 2 and a Lord turn 3. All Josh can do is cycle Lay Waste. All of a sudden, Josh is in survival mode, and he’s just taking his third turn. He drops a land and says”go.”
JFR (V.O.)
Yes, I may get to pump the fist!
BRUCE (V.O.)
Pump this, sucka!
THE VOICE
And Rizzo drops Undead Warchief! Look out. All Josh can do is scoop.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Lucky bastard.
THE VOICE
As they shuffle up for game two, it looks like JFR may actually be determined to win this match.
JFR
I’m determined to win this match.
JOSH
I’m determined to play a friggin’ spell this game!
THE VOICE
And they’re off for game two: Rizzo drops many dudes, but Josh brings in the tech: Ensnaring Bridge! What say you now, JFR? With Josh at twelve and JFR with four zombies, Carrion Feeder being the only one that can attack, it looks like Josh might have bought a reprieve.
JFR
Okay… I have four zombies, Feeder can send and Shepherd can do four… Gempalm can do four more… Yep.
JOSH
Stop talking to yourself and do something!
JFR
Okay, attack with Feeder.
JOSH
I’ll take one.
JFR
Ho, ho, chief. Not so fast. I wish to add complicated tricks to the stack, which is non-existent right now, but will soon be growing.
BRUCE (V.O.)
This should be funny.
THE VOICE
Rizzo swings for one, but wait, he taps Shepherd, getting Josh to eight, cycles Gempalm, which gets Josh to four, then – oh no, he can’t be this good…
JFR
Sac three guys to Feeder, take four, die pls/thx.
JOSH
Judge! Can he do that?
JUDGE
I am the judge. My name is Aaron Lewis.
JFR
From Staind?
JUDGE
No, Mr. Rizzo.
JFR
Wanna be part of the best. Tournament. Report. Ever?
JUDGE
Yes.
JFR
Then make a good decision, dammit.
JUDGE
Uh, er… Yes, Josh. He can do that.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Call another judge! This one got it right!
THE VOICE
Oh so ugly a finish! Calling a judge on JFR! The horror. And a few scattered cheers for JFR – it looks like this crowd is thinking about rooting for the underdawg! Or not.
EXT. PARKING LOT — MOMENTS LATER
JFR struts through the door like he owns the place. The posse surrounds him, arms crossed in defiance.
NICK
I’m good at Magic.
SETH
As am I.
ERIC
Ditto.
CHET
I think I unintentionally drew again.
CHARLIE
Argh, I think I did too. Matey.
JFR
I invented being good at Magic.
NICK
But my surname ends in a vowel.
ERIC
Ditto.
JFR
R-I-Z-Z…oh!
Everyone oohs and aahs, highly impressed. JFR grins from ear to ear, cockily lights up a smoke as the posse steps back, humbled.
INT. FRONT DESK — MOMENTS LATER
DJ stares into an empty pizza box as Brendan flips through a massive roll of cash.
JFR
Any more pizza?
BRENDAN
Why? Like you have any money.
DJ
Yeah, you poverty-stricken bastard!
They laugh so hard they have to support each other. With them distracted, JFR reaches into an empty pizza box, scrapes off a tiny strip of dried cheese. Scarfs it down.
BRENDAN
Hey!
DJ
I want my Grottos back right now!
JFR bolts away, smiling like he just nailed the prom queen.
INT. PLAYING AREA — MOMENTS LATER
MIKE GRIMMETT,”two ems two tees,” tries to stare down and humble JFR. It works very well.
THE VOICE
Like many control black players, Mike is happy to clear the board while building up his mana. Even though Rizzo’s guys like to come back, again and again and again, Mike is ready with Infest and Decree of Pain.
JFR
Decree of Pain. Note to self: that card is good.
MIKE
Yes, I like it because it kills your team.
THE VOICE
But even Mike has trouble with all these zombies that never go away. And there it is: JFR smashes with double-Gravedigger, pumped up by Undead Warchief. Ouch, Mike, our heart goes out to you.
MIKE
I have hate in my board, tough guy.
JFR
I have… Um, Bottle Gnomes.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Heh.
THE VOICE
Rizzo pulls three Festers and a Feeder for four Bottle Gnomes? Heh. Game two is off and running with Mike coming out of the gate like he has the friggin’ key to the damned gate. Rizzo, ignorant bastard, keeps trying to play guys, but Mike kills every single one of them. Smother, Infest, cycle Decree, Consume, etc, it’s lovely.
JFR
This is not lovely.
MIKE
Yes, it is. Tough guy! Hey, ever hear of Visara?
THE VOICE
And it’s on to game three. Hard to say who has the edge, but JFR does have, heh: Bottle Gnomes.
JFR (V.O.)
The Gnomes will protect me. They must.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Bottle Gnomes. Alongi is about to hit you.
THE VOICE
Blah, blah, blah, JFR plays stuff it dies. Mike collects mana and plays…Riptide Replicator for four! What will he name…
MIKE
Merfolk.
JFR
I’m going to lose to 4/4 Merfolk.
MIKE
That is correct.
BRUCE (V.O.)
El-oh-el!
THE VOICE
What a humiliating loss for JFR: Merfolk! But these tough competitors can at least shake hands, knowing full well that Bottle Gnomes are very teched out. Or not.
INT. JFR’S STUDY — NIGHT
JFR lies on the sexy leather chair. Stares into nothing.
JFR
Wow, this sexy leather chair is cold on my bare ass. And it’s 11:02 P.M.
Heather bursts in. Wears pigtails and a schoolgirl outfit that she got online. Heh. He doesn’t even look at her.
HEATHER
Excuse me, professor. But I have a problem with my grade. Is there anything I can do to get an”A?”
JFR
No.
She slinks over, caresses him everywhere you can imagine.
HEATHER
Are you sure? Nothing?
JFR
Write the rest of this friggin’ report.
HEATHER
But I was thinking maybe you’d like to take off my–
JFR
Bitch, you better recognize!
HEATHER
But I have pigtails and everything. Look how innocent I am.
JFR
Yeah, yeah. I still have two more rounds to write, and like five pages of observations. Plus the top eight and the results and all that – Pigtails? (checks her out) Pig…tails.
HEATHER
Yes – my grade?
JFR
C’mere, girl. Let the professor show you how I got the nickname”Friggin’ Rizzo.”
INT. PLAYING AREA — LATER
JFR lowers his eyes in the precense of BRANDON GADE, who scowls, sneers and snorts.
BRANDON
I must break you.
JFR
Um, wanna roll to see who, uh, ha ha, goes first?
THE VOICE
This could be huge. Rizzo’s sitting at 3-3 with 2 rounds left. Could he end up 3-5 like he did for the entire friggin’ IBC season? Looks likely, folks. But out of the gates in a hurry, anxious to redeem himself, Rizzo drops Maggot Carrier, Skinthinner, Lord, Warchief.
JFR (V.O.)
Wheeeeeee!
THE VOICE
All Brandon can do is scoop ’em up and try to regroup. And here’s JFR tech: Siding in Ravenous Rats for three Festers and a Shepherd. Rats, huh? What. Ever.
JFR (V.O.)
I wanna be like Mikey P and his”best Rats ever.”
BRUCE (V.O.)
Yeah, but he’s actually good at Magic. And his middle name isn’t”Friggin.”
THE VOICE
Uh oh, we have something silly brewing. Rizzo just cast Gravedigger with Rats in the yard. Brandon has the new Phyrexian Furnace in play, but he waited until Rizzo returned the Rats and cast them to remove them from the yard. This could be big, especially since the only card in B’s hand is the card he just tutored for.
JFR
Okay, so the Rats gets removed…
BRUCE (V.O.)
Pushover. Sellout. Coward. Non-rules guru!
JFR (V.O.)
No biggie. I have faith in my mad play skillz.
THE VOICE
Uh oh, another tight situation here. B has an active Visara and Grid Monitor. But Rizzo has Gravedigger and a morph, gee wonder who? Oh, and six untapped mana. The score is tight: JFR’s at six, B’s at six.
JFR (V.O.)
Maybe he won’t notice I have Warchief in the yard and a Grotto chillin’ like Matt and Kevin Dillon. If he attacks, he loses.
THE VOICE
Looks good for B, with his two fatties.
JFR (V.O.)
I think I get to win.
BRUCE (V.O.)
But you’ll screw it up. Many times.
THE VOICE
And there it is: B attacks with both dudes. Rizzo unmorphs, kills Monitor.
JFR
I’ll take five, go to one. Done?
BRANDON
Yep, sucka duck.
JFR
Upkeep, put the Warchief on my library. Draw, cast him.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Lucky bastard.
JFR
Serve for eight.
THE VOICE
Rizzo pulled it off. Such a simple play, but he sucks so bad no one could figure he’d see that!
JFR
I am good enough to beat Kai.
EXT. PARKING LOT — MOMENTS LATER
JFR moonwalks for a large crowd of swooning adolescents. Takes a bow, lights up a smoke.
NICK
I’m in the top 8.
ERIC
Me too.
SETH
Me too.
CHET
I’m a poli-sci major.
Chet and JFR share a secret wink.
CHARLIE
I think I just drew again. Matey. Booty. The plank.
JFR
I dropped my deck in the toilet, and have four Gravediggers and two Raise Dead in my deck.
Everyone takes this in for a moment. A huge collective”whoa.” JFR snuffs out his smoke, heads back in. Everyone is speechless. Almost.
CHARLIE
Merchant marines aren’t like real Marines, you know?
INT. FRONT DESK — MOMENTS LATER
Brendan and DJ whisper, motion toward the approaching JFR.
JFR
Can a brother get a pack of gum?
DJ
A brother got two bits?
JFR
Does a brother know how much two bits is?
DJ
Hells, twenny-five cent, nugga.
JFR
Tight. Mise En Garde!
BRENDAN
No foreign languages will be spoken in my store.
INT. JFR’S STUDY — NIGHT
JFR stares at the keyboard in disbelief.
JFR
That was very lame.
BRUCE (V.O.)
No, it rooled.
JFR
Can I be any more tired.”Mise En Garde?” What the hell is wrong with me?
BRUCE (V.O.)
Nothing. Leave it in, it’s excellent. You forgot a question mark after”can I be more tired.”
JFR
It was a declaration, nothing inquisitive about it.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Ah, like rhetorical?
JFR
Oh. My. God. This is getting weak, I should get sleep now and finish this tomorrow.
BRUCE (V.O.)
No, it rools, dood. Watch: nOOb. l33t. h3h.
JFR
Wow.
INT. PLAYING AREA — LATER
JFR, growing weary, sits across from ANDREW JENSEN, tall, brave, strong. Ready for battle.
THE VOICE
JFR has little chance here. It’s the last round, he has to be feeling the effects or affects or however the frig you spell it of playing all day with such a crappy deck.
JFR (V.O.)
I feel sleepy. But this hottie beside me is kind of a hottie. Nice ponytail. I like ponytails.
THE VOICE
JFR hasn’t mulliganed all day, a true testament to his deckbuilding skill – er, uh, he just double-mulliganed. My bad. But whoa, he brings Maggot Carrier, Skinny, Lord by turn 3. Andrew, stuck on two land, is in dire need of something to stem the beetz!
JFR (V.O.)
Heh; I double-mulligan, he keeps a two-land hand.
BRUCE (V.O.)
I didn’t have anything to do with that.
JFR (V.O.)
I think you did. Thanks.
BRUCE (V.O)
Oh, okay. I love you, Johnny Rizzo.
JFR (V.O.)
I love you too, Bruce. I embrace you to reject you.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Dude, that’s deep. Kick his ass.
THE VOICE
JFR adds another Lord to the dance and Andrew can do nothing but scoop. Rizzo sides out Festers, Carriers for Nekkies, Terrors and Banishing. Looks like he feels good.
JFR (V.O.)
I’m feeling ready to take on the world.
BRUCE (V.O.)
‘Member when I said I loved you? Just kidding.
THE VOICE
Rizzo starts very slow, no play until turn three Lord, while Andrew drops two Lightning Rifts and that annoying white card that goes with it from last year’s States. Looks bad for Rizzo. Oh, is this an Exalted Angel?
JFR (V.O.)
Eight-point life swing. Don’t hafta like it. I better do something.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Yes, Gempalm, excellent.
JFR
End of your turn, cycle Gempalm, lose two.
ANDREW
Okay, I’ll deal six to you.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Who loves ya, baby?
THE VOICE
Wow, JFR sucks worse than anything that has ever sucked in life. Game three on the way, Andrew looks good. So does that hottie. And so does that Exalted Angel and JFR stuck on three lands. Wonder if he has a Nekkie in hand?
JFR (V.O.)
Hmm. Three lands and two Nekkies in hand. Nice.
THE VOICE
Does Johnny get that fourth land? He needs to peel it right this instant…
JFR (V.O.)
Wow. Barren Moor. What a friggin’ shock.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Shock me, takin’ two as well.
THE VOICE
Alas, JFR fought the good fight with a crappy deck and no skillz. 4-4 is good enough for 63rd place, which is not very good at all, which is exactly what JFR deserves, since he’s not very good. Apropos.
INT. JFR’S STUDY — NIGHT
JFR’s eyes fight to stay open. Takes a sip of coffee, doesn’t help.
JFR
I should go to sleep and take a look at this tomorrow with fresh eyes.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Nah, hurry up and write a closing, then send it to The F post haste, nugga. If it’s messed up, I’m sure he’ll fix it.
JFR
Dude. This has to suck, at least anything after page 14 or so.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Don’t worry, chief. Who loves ya?
JFR
My wife and kids?
BRUCE (V.O.)
Yeah, but they have to…
EXT. PARKING AREA — NIGHT
An old man on a tricycle tears down the street, tosses JFR his Pirates lighter. JFR nods in appreciation. Casually lights up, blows a really bad smoke ring. Still, looks kinda cool.
CHARLIE
4-4 isn’t so bad. Don’t kiss the cook, scallywag.
JFR
I’ll take it.
CHET
I finished 4-1 with seventy-one draws.
CHARLIE
I only had seventy draws.
CHET
I’m a leftist, therefore I am superior. Draws are neutral, feelings cannot be hurt by brutal competition.
JFR
You guys know that right now I’m sitting at my desk, it’s 11:55 P.M. and I’m struggling to put together coherent sentences?
NICK
I made top 8.
ERIC
Ditto.
SETH
And me too.
JFR
Wonderful, kudos, etc. Three guys who were formerly owned by Rizzo… Ah, Team FOBYR.”Formerly Owned BY Rizzo.”
BRUCE (V.O.)
Or not.
INT. JFR’S STUDY — NIGHT
JFR shakes his head in disbelief. Shakes the cobwebs from his head.
JFR
That is some bad.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Might you say”wicked bad?”
JFR
I might. Okay, I need to reevaluate tomorrow. After working ten hours. I love it.
BRUCE (V.O.)
I think Heather might wanna get some more, too.
JFR
Heh.
INT. JFR’S BEDROOM — LATER
Heather lies in bed, her hands and feet conveniently affixed to the bedrails.
HEATHER
All done with your recap?
JFR
You bound yourself?
HEATHER
You are so good at life, sex, and Magic, but not necessarily in that order.
JFR considers for a moment, then plops into bed, immediately falls asleep.
JFR’S DREAM
A dark figure walks out of a backlighted tunnel. JFR sits on a rocking horse, peers as the figure approaches.
JFR
Who are you? Why are you hear?
THE FIGURE
Chief, you got”here” wrong.
JFR
Nathan Peter David Heiss?
THE FIGURE
I am not. I am only some silly version of that bad mofo. I have come to utter two words. Words that may or may not change your life.
JFR
What words? Burger King?
THE FIGURE
Dude! But no.
JFR
Sexual therapy?
THE FIGURE
Foily…Five.
INT. JFR’S BEDROOM — SAME
JFR bolts up like a rocket, sweats pours down his face. If he had hair it would be sopping wet.
HEATHER
Can you untie me now?
INT. JFR’S STUDY — MOMENTS LATER
JFR’s fingers work magic on the keyboard. The words come so fast the computer has a hard time keeping up.
JFR (as he types)
Top eight… Yes. Then semis, who cares, but… Lessons learned, random observations… I’m good at Magic. No, scratch that. A”number of times” kinda thing like Harper’s…
BRUCE (V.O.)
Harper’s? Dude, you are wack.
JFR (as he types)
Yeah, like:”Number of time Lord of the Undead hit the board: fourteen. Number of times it became active: Three.” Stuff like that could be both relevent and dawg as funny, hell.
BRUCE (V.O.)
I see. Lemme try one: Number of times you cast Ravenous Rats: two. Number of times you wish they were main deck Consume Spirit: 346, 109?” Something like that?
JFR
Number of times Withered Wretch removed a card from opponent’s graveyard: Zero. Number of times I needed it to: Zero.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Number of times Festering Goblin got a two-for-one: two. Number of times the -1/-1 counter went on your guy: one.
JFR
Number of times I used Grotto to put Gravedigger on my library: six.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Number of times you Gravedigger’d a Gravedigger: three. Heh.
JFR
Number of times I sided in Nekkie, Terror and/or Banishing: three.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Number of times you played any of the above spells: zero. Or how about: Number of times you cycled Gempalm against Lightning Rift: 1.
JFR
Number of times I’ll ever do that again: zero.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Number of times you picked up a Mirrodin card and read it: 26. Number of times you put it down without understanding it: 26. Heh.
JFR
Number of times I read the new Disk before I figured out what it really did: 4. See, I can be honest.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Number of times you peed: 8. Number of times you made sure your deck would not fall into the toilet: 7.
JFR
And finally, Number of times I said”I suck at Magic”: 17. Number of times people disagreed with me: zero.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Jeez, you’re like the anti-hero, huh? People’s exhibit”A.”
JFR
Speaking of exhibits…
INT. PLAYING AREA — NIGHT
A large crowd gathered around the front desk as JFR sneaks in back, takes copious notes. Brendan stands on a chair, crosses his arms in defiance.
BRENDAN
People, shut up! I have the top sixteen finishers, but who cares about the eight runners-up? 8th place: Craig Chabot with G/W control, or Con-Troll kinda thing vs. 1st place Jensen with Blue/White control. Craig – make sure you forget to desideboard, so Aaron Lewis from Staind can give you a game loss, k?
CRAIG CHABOT pushes through the crowd, winks at Brendan.
BRENDAN
7th place: Eric Corriveau with W/R Rift vs. 2nd place Lucien Longlais, also with W/R Rift. Exciting! 6th place: Nick Camire with Goblin Bidding vs. 3rd place Mitchell Breton and his Goblins. 5th place: Seth Wilson with Goblin Bidding vs. 4th place Joe Musante and Affinity. And a more clever deck name has yet to be invented.
JFR scribbles madly in his notepad. Watches a gaggle of fraggles move in a wave toward the”Special Tables.”
LATER
JFR doodles pictures of a naked chick.
JFR
Becky…
BRENDAN
Okay, punks! Listen up! Jensen, U/W control vs. Longlais, Goblins. Breton, Goblins vs. Wilson, Goblin Bidding. Get to it so I can go home and wipe this adolescent stink off my clothes!
JFR stares forlornly at his notepad, then licks it.
LATER
JFR leans back in his chair, satisfied look on his face.
BRENDAN
Punks and tough guys! Shut the hell up! Jensen’s U/W control and Breton’s Goblins for all the marbles. Coincidentally, those are the prizes for the top eight: Marbles. Beatchoo, sucka ducks!
The crowd moans and groans, Brendan takes a bow.
INT. JFR’S STUDY — NIGHT
JFR sits on his sexy chair, looks quite sexy if I do say so myself.
JFR
And I do say so myself.
BRUCE (V.O.)
But which net decker won?
JFR
I don’t know if they were net decks, chief. But the Jamie Jensen and his – wow, now this sounds like a fascinating deck idea – blue/white control took the marbles.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Got a decklist for the net deckers?
JFR
Yeah. Islands, Plains, funny lands. Counters, Wraths and a kill card that gives you like four 4/4 flyers or something. Have fun.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Goblin Charbelcher. You must tell them.
JFR
No, I must not.
BRUCE (V.O.)
But Breton sided Charbelcher in for the third game against Longlais and ended up doing like fourteen damage in two turns to win the match.
JFR
Like that could really happen.
BRUCE (V.O.)
I read it from your friggin’ notes.
INT. PLAYING AREA — NIGHT
MITCHELL BRETON stands on a table, holds Goblin Charbelcher high above his head. An entire room of smelly teens, many of whom have not yet been laid, drop to thier knees in reverence.
Sitting at the table, stunned beyond words, sits LUCIEN LONGLAIS. Shakes his head in disbelief.
JFR
Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about this.
BRUCE (V.O.)
Heh dot dec.
INT. JFR’S STUDY — NIGHT
BRUCE, no longer a ghost of sorts, sits on JFR’S sexy chair, hand in his pants a la Al Bundy.
BRUCE
Heh, mise, tight, have a carrot, bad times for Becky, random, swing from these.
Bruce gets to his feet, but his hand stays in his pants.
BRUCE
Cyrus Jones 1810 to 1913.
JFR (V.O.)
Number of Dave Matthews songs I like other than”Gravedigger”?
BRUCE
Zero.
FADE OUT.
The primary goal was to write the best. Tournament. Report. Ever.
The secondary goal was to have a ball y’all.
The tertiary goal was to convince peeps that Gravedigger is kewl.
I met one. That’s plenty.
John Friggin’ Rizzo