Many of you are undoubtedly fans of the writings of John F. Rizzo… But Mr. Rizzo’s latest offering from last week was over a hundred pages long. I just finished reading it, and decided that I could perform a service for those of you with lives – those who simply don’t have enough time to read through his article. Included below is my abbreviated version of Welcome to My Overcompensation, parts one, two and three.
Feedback From His One-Sentence Articles From The Previous Week
Many people liked them. Rizzo included many quotes such as:
“THAT ARTICLE WAS THE MOST AMUSING AND FUNNY PIECE OF S**T IVE EVER READ. PLZ CONTINUE SURPRISING ME WITH THAT CRAP AND ILL F**K YOU!!! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING THAT IDEAS FROM???”
Many people did not. Quotes included were typified by:
“THAT ARTICLE WAS THE MOST AMUSING AND FUNNY PIECE OF S**T IVE EVER READ. PLZ CONTINUE SURPRISING ME WITH THAT CRAP AND ILL F**K YOU!!! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING THAT IDEAS FROM???”
Discussion Of Various Cards And Deck Ideas, Interspersed With Humourous Anecdotes
Since no one cares what Rizzo thinks is”tech” but instead reads the article for humour, the summary of humourous anecdotes is as follows:
“Think Liz (Taylor) ever used the phrase ‘I need to get me some strange?'”
Explanation Why Rizzo’s Articles Appear Eclectic, But In Fact Are Not
This is a direct quote:
“February 27: Start writing this article.
February 28: Add 2-3 pages of pre-FNM stuff.
March 1: Attend FNM and then draft. Add a page or two when I get home.
March 2: Attend Saturday cash tourney and then draft. Add a few pages when I get home.
March 3: Add another 4-5 pages of FNM and Saturday cash tourney/draft results/stuff.
March 4: Add another page or two of Monday draft result/stuff.
March 5: Add another 2-3 pages because someone probably wrote something I want to chime in on.
March 6: Add another page to the previous”chiming in” from yesterday.
March 7: Add 2-3 pages of pre-PTQ hopes, dreams, or random chatter.
March 8: Add another 3-4 pages of FNM and draft results/stuff. March 9: Attend PTQ. Write nothing today. Or take laptop and get jiggy. Or not.
March 10: Write 4-5 pages of tourney results/stuff then go to sleep.
March 11: Clean up tourney results/stuff, add a few more tidbits, spellcheck, give the once over and send completed article to The Ferrett.
March 12: Begin working on next article.
March 13: This article is finally posted.
People wonder why my articles appear random, choppy, and hard to follow with tons of stuff thrown in for good measure. They should probably stop wondering.”
March 2: Friday Night Magic
At a 22 person tourney in Maine, Rizzo goes 4-1 against four opponents who were mana-screwed and one that wasn’t. He wins the finals.
Saturday cash tourney
Rizzo goes 3-2 and gets into the top 8, then manages to win the tourney. He summarizes his efforts at the end of the tourney:
“What peeps are thinking:
No, you still suck. (Yep.)
Everyone got mana screwed. (Word ’em up.)
Everyone had crappy decks (Hells yes.)
Die, Rizzo, die a horrible, miserable death alone in a catpiss-infested house with no central heating or functioning plumbing, pls/thx. (I’ll see what I can do.)”
March 3
There is an extended discussion about Mary J. Blige and Billy Ray Cyrus that I won’t repeat here, as those no-talent hacks don’t deserve any more press.
Suggestions for mechanics for Wizards current contest
“Numba one:
When CARDNAME comes into play, sacrifice a permanent. When CARDNAME leaves play, sacrifice a permanent, then put CARDNAME into play under your control.
“Numba 2:
Flashback: Sacrifice a permanent. Threshold: At the beginning of your upkeep, sacrifice a permanent.
“Numba 3:
When CARDNAME comes into play, sacrifice a permanent, then put two green Beast tokens into play with power and toughness equal to the converted mana cost of that permanent.”
March 4: Part Of The Article Reminding People That Rizzo Is An Old Guy With Kids.
Rizzo complains about teenagers who park close to the mall, taking up spaces from old guys with young children. Quotes the further remind you how old Rizzo is:
“Tip: spending two grand to trick out your $1,600 car is kinda stupid. And no, we are most assuredly not impressed that your entire car rattles because you bought some wack-ass”Miami Bass Sounds Volume 3″ CD at Wal-Mart.”
“Please ID and play net decks, but don’t ever, ever, ever be a total waste of human flesh and take the closest possible spot to the mall entrance – think about the old peeps and the parents with eggs in tow. And don’t steal my goddamned spot you <more profanities>.”
“”Hi, neighbor.”
-Mr. Rogers”
March 5
Rizzo played some Foily Five with some guys, then did a six-man draft. No one really cares how Rizzo did, since it was only a six-man draft.
Discussion On Byes
Rizzo doesn’t like getting byes, since he paid to”PLAY SOME FRIGGIN’ MAGIC.”
Poll
Rizzo would like each of us to complete his poll, so he can determine the typical Magic player. It is too long to include here, but scan through Part two of his article and you will see the 64 question poll. I am sure that Rizzo would like everyone to send it in to him. I’m sure his mailbox will survive.
March 6:
Rizzo apparently doesn’t like the current crop of television, claiming that the writing is bad and the actors are overpaid.
Someone wants to give Rizzo $90,000 for a building in Pittsburgh that he isn’t using, and that makes him mad. I have issues about the value of my house and its impending foreclosure. Most of the readers can’t even imagine what it is like to have someone offer you $1,000 for anything, let alone $90,000 for something that you aren’t using. Oops, that’s not a summary. I’ll shut up now.
Rizzo informs everyone that his Limited and Constructed ratings are both above 1700, making him better than average.
March 7:
As Rizzo says,”Nothing to see here. Move along.”
March 8: Friday Night Magic
Another tournament (in Maine) with 20 people involved. Rizzo went 3-1 to get into the top four, then won twice to win the tournament.
There was discussion about fat, skinny, and medium-build rappers
Very humourous anecdote involving Walt’s”Little Disney.”
PTQ
Scott Teamann would be attending. Rizzo planned to stay with him in Boston.
Rizzo built a deck that he was not happy with.
Round 1: Mike Sigrist
Rizzo won 2-1 with Mr. Sigrist getting mana-screwed twice.
1-0
Round 2: Todd Nery
Mize. Rizzo wins 2-1
2-0
Round 3: Cr33ture F33ture match: Jill”Jillian””LL Cool Jill” Costigan
After three paragraphs that basically suggest Rizzo is sexually attracted to his opponent, she beats him mercilessly 2-0.
2-1
Round 4: Joel Frank
Joel makes a mistake and Rizzo wins a game… But loses 2-1.
2-2
Round 5: Billy Waters
Billy was stuck with a crappy deck without enough removal. Rizzo wins 2-0.
3-2
Round 6: Chris Chin
Rizzo is succinct:”Turn three, game one: Chris pays five to negate my Firebeast.”
“Turn three, game two: Chris pays five to negate my Firebeast.”
“Good match.”
“3-3”
Round 7: The Bag, oddly enough
Teamann wins 2-1.
3-4
Rizzo ate dinner with Mr. Teamann, who paid. They watched some TV in the hotel room afterward. There is a standard Rizzo critique of the various programs they watched. Rizzo then pretends he is homophobic, or not, tells everyone he wakes up with a stiffy every morning, then drives home.
1,278 words. I just saved you 22,343 words.
You’re welcome.
Bruce Richard
[email protected]
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