I really don’t like to explain the things I do, mostly because I usually don’t know myself, but from the crazy mixed bag of feedback I’ve been receiving lately, it seems that I probably should. Of course I am speaking of the series of one line”articles” that ran from Feb 28 – Mar 5.
Well, here goes…
That series was dedicated to a whole slew of cocky, self-serving jerkies that really are (or were) quite deserving of no love. Might as well throw in anyone who has ever been DQd for being a cheater or just a random scumbag, and let’s not forget those who somehow think they are above the scrubs or newbies or Timmies. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention everyone that takes up space on this planet for the sole sake of laughing at, teasing, or otherwise attempting to humiliate others to atone for their obvious lack of personal worth.
Those are the people that get one line. And a reluctant line at that. Yeah, you stalling, would-be-bribing, rules-lawyering, bad-trading, binder-stealing, board-flaming, opponent-intimidating, little-kid-bullying barrel-assed corncobs get an entire line of love.
However, the rest of you sort of got shafted by clicking a link that was meant for the peters. I kinda feel bad about that. But it seems as if no matter what I say or do, no one really cares about the little things. How many times can I be Johnny Soft and Sensitive Feel Good Article Writer Boy and not have it make one bit of difference? What’s the difference between one line and fifteen pages if everyone forgets what the hell I’m talking about anyway?
It’s the September 11th conundrum: People care for a little while, and then everything reverts back to the way it was… But in this case, reverting back starts about ten minutes after the article is read instead of a couple of months. So why not just throw one line? Perhaps that can say as much as ten pages.
Man, it’s frustrating as all hell.
But whatever, right? Gimme new net decks! Gimme broken cards! Gimme an undefeated opponent in the last round of the swiss so I can ID! Gimme an easy to intimidate opponent! Gimme gimme gimme! Make it easier than it was before! Because I demand it!
And make me laugh, you putz!
One line is pretty easy. That’s what you get.
(above pause courtesy of blisterguy productions)
Okay, since there really isn’t a prayer that anyone is actually buying that explanation, here’s what really happened:
I dropped four one-line articles onto the top of my”real” article for the week (The Old Bender House article) and sent it into The Ferrett with the idea that he pick one of the four (whichever he deemed nuttiest or funniest or stupidest) and post it. This was to be followed the next day or the day after by the”real” article that was in fact very”real” and like ten pages or so.
(My personal favorite was”How To Avoid Mana Screw, Guaranteed: Draw land.” I’d like to thank Mike Turian for the inspiration behind that one – for that was his answer to everyone who whined about getting mana screwed, and I have taken up the cause. If ever you bitch to me about not drawing land, I will implore you to draw more land. If you draw too much land, I will implore you to draw less land. Mike rulez – practical advice that is much deeper than it appears at first glance.)
However, in between The Ferrett puking his guts out and oozing machismo from more orifices than he ever knew he had, signals got crossed or misinterpreted; thus, they all were posted. I figure that this’ll end up being a big heh on everyone, including me. Especially me when I have to answer about a billion emails as to what the hell is going on.
In other words, only one of the four were meant to be posted, but, well, life’s a heh sandwich and everyday we gotta take another bite.
Uncle Ferrett, please feel free to step up and tell ’em what’s up. In fact, I’ll leave ya’ a little white space…
<this is the white space that, well, I guess is no longer white>
(Actually, I was reeling from the Tasmanian Death Flu, but I might well have posted all four of ’em anyway. I thought it was hysterical. Especially around Day Three, when I started to get emails – The Ferrett, amused by outrage)
See what happens when you try to be funny?
But the first explanation where I rip on peeps sounds better, doesn’t it? Maybe I should’ve stuck with that one. ‘Cause it’s more confusing, and that’s what life is all about: He who is the most vague and non-specific wins.
After the second lil’ article one was posted, I guess I could’ve emailed The F and said”Sup F, could you not do that again?” but, for some reason I figured I’d let it roll to see what might come out of all the madness. Sometimes, I know not what I do, or why, but I just do.
After the first”article” (Feb 28), the press was much as I expected: Most peeps thought it was hilarious, or at least original – which, ya gotta gimme, it was. Original, I mean, not necessarily hilarious. Check out some snippets, but no names ’cause I forgot to ask peeps if I could use their names and was barely able to keep up with the confusion masked in anger masked in hatred masked in an enigma sandwich that goes great with a platter of heh.
Peeps mail that I snippet-ed, jump back and kiss yourself when you see yours.
“…when taken in context, it was probably one of the funniest things you could have written.”
“Was a good laugh.”
“Best Article Ever!”
“Great article!!!! I think I’ll get a good laugh about this one for quite some time.”
But this was about the most interesting email I have ever received (and yes, it was sent in all CAPS):
“THAT ARTICLE WAS THE MOST AMUSING AND FUNNY PIECE OF S**T IVE EVER READ. PLZ CONTINUE SURPRISING ME WITH THAT CRAP AND ILL F**K YOU!!! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING THAT IDEAS FROM???”
I’m not sure if that is praise or the desire to kill me and make it hurt. Either way, I’m pretty sure that that email is times that may be good, bad, or otherwise.
After the second”article” (Mar 1), the mood seemed to change a little:
“…I have to say it was a disappointment to not read a longer article by you this week, even if we did get two short ones.”
“One more article like that, and you’ll have a triumvirate of, well, something, dammit.”
“What I’m trying to say is do it for the little people, we need your ‘tech’ (don’t get any perverted ideas).”
But there were still a few who were eating it up, probably because, well, I don’t know:
“Dear frigginrizzo, you are God.”
“THAT WAS THE BOMB!!! GO RIZZO!!!”
After the third”article” (Mar 4), the natives were getting restless (and I was getting hella tired of explaining about the mixup):
“Okay, the first StarCity article was funny. The second almost made me un-lazy enough to write this email. But this third time? Predictable and annoying.”
“After reading your last three articles, I’m wondering if you’re planning on writing an article with more than three words. But I guess I should have expected something like this after reading your past articles. Oh well…”
“These last three have been poor, even to the point of making me long for a random Invitationalist’s report, badly written as it may be.”
And then one who wasn’t so much concerned with the content, but rather something else was bugging the piss out of him:
“Can you PLEASE (/me begs) put up a different picture tomorrow… because if I get an image of Rizzo’s bald head burned into my memory or monitor it may knock me down the long swirling slide that starts at normalcy and ends just to the right of insanity.”
After the fourth”article” (Mar 5), well, all hell had broken loose:
“How to stop sucking: Write more than seven words.”
“I don’t know why you’re doing this, and frankly, don’t care. WRITE A FRIGGIN’ ARTICLE, CHIEF!”
“My husband and I just wanted to let you know that your articles have had tremendous impact on our lives. Your insightful…insightfullness has caused us to question everything. We think more carefully about our decisions in life. We play Magic more cautiously, being ever careful to draw land when needed. Your wise words of wisdom have led us to a more prosperous future. Our sex life has flourished. The growth of our children is enriched. Be sure that we will teach your wisdom to them so that they, too, may benefit from your very existence.”
One guy sent me fifteen separate emails, with one word in each. Strung together, they read:”Hello, John, will you please stop this short article nonsense before it becomes annoying? Thanks.”
Now, that is… Well, yep, it is.
Peeps are like, pissed as hell, ain’t they?
“You don’t know what I go through…I’m out there everyday. There is nothing out there.”
– Dustin Hoffman, American Buffalo
Tonight on America’s Funniest Internet Hoaxes Gone Awry – Friggin’ Rizzo accidentally alters the course of human history!
And what exactly does”barrel-assed corncobs” mean, exactly?
Okay, enough about that spooky stuff, let’s get to the normal, well-adjusted, Magic-type thingies that you’ve all become accustomed to reading when you click my link. Like in-depth strategy, the point spread, injuries and your horoscope.
Question I asked when I was seven:
“Dad, can Superman beat up an elephant?”
What a dumb ass I was, huh? Of course Superman can beat up an elephant.
Okay, let’s get to that stuff starting now. And I mean it this time.
You may not believe this – it seems all too surreal – but the new cards are officially legal. Seriously, you can now use Torment cards in Type 2. It seems preposterous, I know, but it is absolutely true. Amazing, ain’t it?
What a momentous day! The ideas are brimming over, the trees are growing new leaves, the snow is melting, Elizabeth Taylor is seventy and Pinocchio is a real boy!
Liz Taylor was married eight times. She’s seventy. Now let’s assume that she was an unmarried chyk until she was like twenty. That’s eight marriages in fifty years. So, every six years and change Liz needs to get her some strange? And she’s an American icon?
Think Liz ever used the phrase”I need to get me some strange?”
And Crystal Spray is the new technology.
Change the text of target spell or permanent by replacing all instances of one color word or basic land type until end of turn. Draw a card.
But why is that technology? Other than the ability to say”C to the rizzo, S to the prizzay” when casting Da’ Sprays you mean?
Peep: I cast Corrupt with six Swamps in play.
You, enlightened: Sure, but I’ll respond with Da’ Sprays and Corrupt now reads”for each Plains you have in play.”
Peep: You suck.
You, enlightened: Yeah? Well, thanks for the Time Walk, and I’ll be over here drawing my card from Da’ Sprays if you need me.
All right, that’s a little far-fetched. Maybe this:
Peep: End of turn, I cast Hibernation.
You, enlightened: I cast Da’ Spray and change”green” to”blue.” I guess that means you get to put your men back in your hand, pls/thx.
Peep: You’re ass.
You, enlightened: Sorry, I didn’t hear you, I was distracted while drawing my card from Da’ Sprays and watching you put you men back in your hand.
Crystal Spray is the new technology.
Question I asked when I was eight:
“Dad, if the Phillies’ plane crashed on the way to the playoffs and they all died, would the Pirates get to make the playoffs then?”
What a dumb ass I was, huh? Of course the Pirates would get to make the playoffs then.
Upon further reflection,”casting” Da’ Sprays sounds plain wrong; it should be spit, and the word”seafoam” should fit in there somewhere as well.
“In response, I spit me some seafoam up in your grille.”
Yep, that’s better.
I hear you saying”Why not just use a friggin’ Counterspell?” Now what fun would that be? And Counterspell isn’t a cantrip, either. So, I found a cool use for Crystal Spray that doesn’t involve a kitchen table and you’re mad at me?
All right, maybe Crystal Spray is not the chips in the bag of all that, but come on, making peeps read the cards you play is worth the three beans you pay to play FNM.
Wow, that was so long ago that I had to boot up Apprentice and look through the Prophecy or Nemesis (or whatever expansion that was) cards to find Citadel of Pain because I forgot what it was called. And what it did. And what the hell I was thinking.
So, I likes this:
4x Chainer’s Edict
4x Crypt KEEPER
4x Nantuko Shade
4x Phyrexian Rager
4x Braids, Cabal Minion
2x Cabal Coffers
Props: B to the Kizzo on the Sizzo for the B to the rizzo.
(Translation: Thanks to Brian Kibler on the Sideboard for his idea of using Braids.)
Question I asked when I was nine:
“Dad, can you give yourself a million dollar raise at work?”
What a dumb ass I was, huh? Of course you can give yourself a million dollar raise at work.
It does a couple of things, and it does them sort of, well… Well. Drop early dudes, drop Braids, and then win. Sometimes that even happens. Or kill stuff and drop a Shade and win. Sometimes that even happens too. Or screw all that and win with Ichorid. Sometimes that even happens as well.
And I likes this:
//NAME: With love, from Kurt, with modifications by Johnny Magic, Jr.
4x Careful Study
4x Sleight of Hand
4x Nimble Mongoose
2x Turbulent Dreams
1x Nostalgic Dreams
4x Æther Burst
4x Blurred Mongoose
4x Wild Mongrel
4x Seton’s Scout
4x Yavimaya Coast
2x Cephalid Coliseum
This, however, does two things: 1) play fatties, and 2) bounce stuff and play more fatties. The deck is as tight as <insert your favorite nun simile here>, and the only card that seems like it could be something else is Nostalgic Dreams. Turbulent Dreams might garner an eye raising or two, but it’s sexy as a naked dawg in heat being videotaped before a live studio audience. Plus, card advantage doesn’t mean what it used to mean.
Okay, it does, but it’s, like, more different now.
I guess I’m Rogue. Oh wait, according to Andrew Crump, I can’t be.
Blame Buehler. But mostly, blame Nate. Always blame Nate.
But, Kurt’s Love just loses to Black Deck.dec. Badly. No, really, it has no chance. Ever. Perchance a few fellers might actually be playing some wacky black contraptions, what with them probably being just as stupidly anxious to use the brand new lovers as I, thusly, I likes my black deck. I likes it a lot.
“I know you likes my son – you likes him, right…I could let you have him for $3000.”
-The crack ho that died, Deep Cover
-Eddie The Snitch, Deep Cover
Okay, Eddie, I will.
Kurt’s Love? Wait a minute… Kurt Cobain…Courtney Love…Kevin Bacon.
Pow. Or better yet: Bam, cat in the face!
Friday Night Magic might actually become a useful tool for preparing for Regionals. Sup with that? Now, if I can just get all the other players to play the latest and hottest net decks (yeah, that’ll be real hard), then I can get actual real-life matchup data in a competitive environment and whatnot. I use the term”competitive” because peeps will try to ID into the top four. Really, I’m not making that up. They’ll ID for a friggin’ $4 foil. Ditto for the Saturday cash tourney – ID to get into the top eight for a chance to win, like, $20 or so.
MAYBE I’M WRONG AND YOU SHOULD ALWAYS ID NO MATTER WHAT NO MATTER WHEN NO MATTER WHY FOR A FOUR-DOLLAR FOIL.
Question I asked when I was ten:
“Dad, is Sgt. Slaughter a real sergeant?”
What a dumb ass I was, huh? Of course Sgt. Slaughter is a real sergeant.
Swamps rool. Someday, I will use Infernal Contract, which is a Swamp personified, in a sanctioned tournament. After all, Wizards was nice enough to reprint it in 7th Edition after I bragged it up as a 6th Edition card that needed more love. And that’s the only reason that it was reprinted! Okay, it was also reprinted because I bought Zvi’s Invitational deck for a whole bunch o’ money and Wizards thought that if I would like to use Da’ Contracts in a Type 2 event, then hell, the damned things should be legal. Forever.
See, Wizards isn’t just a cold, uncaring, manipulative corporate entity – they care. And I’m living proof.
Right now, there are at least a few guys hunched over their screens angrily barking,”That ain’t why they reprinted it, damnit!” And that’s funny to me.
Ever get writer’s block? Me neither.
So, I bring this to the table:
//NAME: Black Deck.dec
4x Chainer’s Edict
4x Crypt KEEPER
4x Nantuko Shade
4x Phyrexian Rager
4x Braids, Cabal Minion
2x Cabal Coffers
I’d say that I invented Ichorid – but chiefs, you’d know I was lying. However, at this point I’d be satisfied with”popularized, as in”Man, glad that Friggin’ Rizzo guy popularized Ichorid, or I wouldn’t have known that it ruled!” But I still got dibs on the invention of Cabal Coffers. And I’ll always have Sexual Chocolate – and, despite the fact that others brought him to my attention, Millikin. Since I was likely the first guy to ever use him in a sanctioned Constructed tourney (and probably the only one, still) I think that qualifies. Okay, I was at least the first Star City writer guy to use him in a sanctioned Constructed tourney, and that goes on my record as a positive achievement.
“I never [had sex with] a 10, but one night I [had sex with] five 2’s…and that should go on my record as a positive achievement.”
Yep, it should. But I had a real 10. It wasn’t that great. But I had a real 10, and I’ll never let you forget it. Ever. And someday I’ll tell you all about it. In great detail.
What the hell kind of sideboard is that? Well, it’s simple, sort of.
Megrim reminds us of just how bad we used to think discarding cards from our hands (on purpose no less!) was, and turns Careful Study into a downright reckless lesson in futility. Plus, any madness card that has an additional payment of two life makes it that much less attractive. Probably. When I heard rumors that Megrim was going to be reprinted in 7th Edition, I immediately became aroused because I thought Spellshapers would be everyfrigginwhere. Heh on me.
Oh yeah, and Cephalid Coliseum now reads:
Pay six life: draw three cards then discard three cards from your hand.
Question I asked when I was eleven:
“Dad, do you ever get tired of me asking these dumb ass questions?”
What a dumb ass I was, huh? No wonder my dad used to beat me with coat hangers and waffle irons and a rear axle from a ’74 Chevy Nova on a regular basis.
Coffin Purge is sexy, and combined with Crypt KEEPER gives a total of twelve pieces of graveyard love – more if you factor in Gravediggin’ back Da’ KEEPS. Soul Feast? Heh, there may be a brave white mage, so just in case. Da’ Pod roolz, for someone will play a deck that is not aware of Madness, and Da’ Blood is for those wacky times when I don’t want to kill the entire board, and when Edict isn’t quite enough. I can’t imagine a situation like that, but hey, better safe and retarded than sorry and still retarded.
Today is March 1, and this article won’t be posted until at least March 12 or 13. And PTQ – Nice happens in the interim. Let’s chart a little timeline, shall we?
February 27: Start writing this article.
February 28: Add 2-3 pages of pre-FNM stuff.
March 1: Attend FNM and then draft. Add a page or two when I get home.
March 2: Attend Saturday cash tourney and then draft. Add a few pages when I get home.
March 3: Add another 4-5 pages of FNM and Saturday cash tourney/draft results/stuff.
March 4: Add another page or two of Monday draft result/stuff.
March 5: Add another 2-3 pages because someone probably wrote something I want to chime in on.
March 6: Add another page to the previous”chiming in” from yesterday.
March 7: Add 2-3 pages of pre-PTQ hopes, dreams, or random chatter.
March 8: Add another 3-4 pages of FNM and draft results/stuff. March 9: Attend PTQ. Write nothing today. Or take laptop and get jiggy. Or not.
March 10: Write 4-5 pages of tourney results/stuff then go to sleep.
March 11: Clean up tourney results/stuff, add a few more tidbits, spellcheck, give the once over and send completed article to The Ferrett.
March 12: Begin working on next article.
March 13: This article is finally posted.
People wonder why my articles appear random, choppy, and hard to follow with tons of stuff thrown in for good measure. They should probably stop wondering.
The last time I did this”real life” thing was before the Invasion Prerelease. Wow, I’m now officially old school. Also, I just realized that the FNM decklist is way up there. I wonder whether I should paste it down here again or not. I wonder if”whether” is spelled right. Someone kill me now.
1:22 AM: Shut down friggin’ computer.
March 2: FNM
Like 22 dudes show up because they think they finally get to use the new cards. Oh, they do.
Thing that stopped being funny in like 9th grade but is still kinda funny:
Seems like every ten minutes, someone at Crossroads gets a call from their mommy or daddy, usually for the ironing out the details of exactly when to pick your non-car having ass up. And most of the guys/kids/children of the corn take their calls at the table while they’re playing. Skip the part where I mention that that’s rude, because the used-to-be-funny-and-sort-of-still-is part negates the initial rudeness.
Kid on phone to mom/dad (let’s use Answer Boy as an example): Yeah, I’ll be done at…
Peeps in background (and loudly at that): Oooh, Answer Boy, that feels so good. Oooh, Andrew, go deeper. Oh, baby, you feel so good, so hard, oh yeah.
That’s really and truly amazingly immature and stupid. The word”sophomoric” and the phrase”campus hijinks” seem quite relevant as well.
Why do I think it’s still funny? (Me, too – The Ferrett, wincing)
Because… I’m a guy.
Yes, I’m calling for Michael Hunt.
Orlando, as per usual (against me only), gets mana screwed in the first game. Braids didn’t help him much. The second game went a lot better for him when he dropped two Smoldering Tars and Pyre Zombie. When Dee noticed that I was stuck on three lands on turn ten, he started to blow up my lands. The funny thing is that eventually I had to discard Ichorid from my hand; since I had no land, Ichy helped a brother out. But not nearly enough.
The third game saw Dee double mulligan and find double KEEPER and a Rager comin’ up on him before he could find a third land. When he found his third land and played Pyre Zombie, Braids came to town. Braids is the man, even though she’s a woman. Hey, she’s a friggin’ cartoon; get over it, you softcore-can’t-get-porn-on-my- parents-computer-so-I-gotta-get-off-to-hot-chicks-on-Magic-cards nerds.
But she is kinda hot.
Round 2: Norm Woods, U/G
Norm was once Maine’s number one player, but since he decided to care about college and life and probably even takes showers now, he’s played a ton less, quit going to Pro Tours, and passed the banner down to Mike”Relatively Unknown” Emmert. He’s using someone else’s deck too.
It’s oh so awful for me when Norm drops two Looters, Aquamoeba, and Arrogant Wurm in a hurry. Since he had countered all of my cool stuff and Looted through half of his deck, I figured it’s bad times for me and Eduardo as well. However, I peel Mutilate, cast it, and fully expect it to be countered so we can move on to game two. He double Loots and can’t find a counter. Boo. Ya. Tribe.
After that breath of fresh air, my deck decides to bring out da’ noise bring out da’ funk with dudes, dudes, and more dudes – including Braids, who isn’t really a dude – see round 1 commentary. Ichy played clean up after neither of us had any more lands in play. He cleans up nice.
“Yeah, you clean up nice.”
-Michael Richards, Seinfeld
Shade kinda punishes peeps that keep a one-land hand, huh? Norm came down with Chris Deroche (12th at PT – LA, 99, but we still covered his car with random commons and 8th grade humor) and neither of them could stay for round three. That probably explains Norm keeping a one-land hand. But I’ll take it, because I think that I have to.
Or something equally ridiculous.
Game two sees Answer Boy with five creatures in play on turn four. I had none. I saw his Standstill on the table, looked at the Mutilate in my hand, looked at the four Swamps in play on my side and thought”Answer Boy, it is too bad you won’t draw any more creatures for a few turns,” and killed all his men. Oddly, Answer Boy didn’t draw any more creatures for a few turns. But I did. Shades, Braids, Ichy, etc, blah, word ’em up you get the idea.
Shades, Braids and Ichy – coming this summer to ABC’s One Saturday Morning.
Friggin’ Boys with Answers, I’ll tell ya.
But I invented Standstill. Okay, Kurt did when he sent me his deck with love. Okay, Crazy Pierre did when he posted that Dirty Skies deck way back when. But Answer Boy doesn’t know that, so the wool, as they say, is all up over his eyes and dome.
Mike gets out two early Llanowar Elves, while I manage land and more land. However, I find it interesting that Mike does not play a third land. Ever. He drops a Mongrel and is beating me down, since I can’t find any creature – I’d even take a friggin’ Drudge Skeleton, which would be cool since I could block the Mongrel and regenerate. Skeletons are tech. On turn six, I cast Mutilate to kill the world. Mike still had two lands. Eventually, I draw dudes, but none are quite as tech as Drudge Skeletons, and crush.
Skeleton is an Olympic event again. Okay, sounds fair since it was legitimate way back in the day.
But half pipe snow boarding?
Dude, like, I pulled a, whoa, dude, like, a 540 and, like, dude, sup? I’m so friggin’ baked!
Game two is more of the same: Mike’s early mana dudes and Mongrel, and me killing the world with Mutilate. I think I dropped Braids somewhere in here, but my scoresheet shows me ending the game at 26, so either I found tons and tons of land and Mike didn’t, or – oh wait, Cabal Coffers is some kinda sexy. Yep.
Nick’s life in game one:
16, 11, 4, die.
I wonder what happened? That guy’s good. And even better when your opponent has no bounce.
Game two is a little better for Nick. Okay, it’s not. Duress, Shade, Rager, Braids and a fistful of Edicts.
Before we started game one, I told Nick that all I wanted was a starting hand of 2x Duress, 2x Shade, 2x Swamp and an Edict. I think I actually got 2x Edict and only one Duress, but the rest was exactly as I asked, plus an extra Swamp. My game two opening hand consisted of 2x Duress and only one Edict, just like I asked. Wish not, want not. Or something.
I play first with a Swamp and Chris drops Forest, Elf. I don’t Edict the Elf, but play a Shade instead. Good call? You’d think that it’s not a terrible play, but allowing him to keep the Elf cost me the game. Having him keep equal mana parity allowed him to not only survive my turn 4 Braids, but actually enjoy it more than I did. Friggin’ Deeds. Friggin’ Shades that have a converted mana cost of two. Friggin’ Elves. Friggin’ Braids. Friggin’ people named Chris Hardy.
I learned my lesson and implemented it for game two. I Innocent Blood his first Elf, Edict his second, and then drop Shade, which takes huge chunks out of his life: First five, then six, then pause for the cause to Edict something, then kill you.
Game three sees the sexy”I play a dude and you kill it” routine, until Chris runs out of stuff for me to kill. He’s in top deck mode and peels a Spiritmonger/Innocent Blood. Call – Meet my Shade with tons o’ land. Okay, I’ll flashback the Call. Okay, I’ll Mutilate and drop Shade and Ichorid. And another Ichorid. Chris did manage to drop a Deed up in here, killing the Shade and both Ichorids – but, like a good boy, I dropped the secret Shade I was holding, used Gravedigger to get the other, and served for, like, a hundred and forty-seven the next turn.
Not very friendly to creature decks, now is it?
5-1 And yes, Virginia, Johnny did good.
Top One: I ID with myself and take a prize split.
Woo to the mother freakin’ hoo.
Since there were a ton of guys waiting around to draft, hence, more than 8 dudes, I excused myself and played a bunch against Brenden’s R/W Lavamancer, Goblin Trenches, kill you.dec.
Tip: Mono black can’t deal with Goblin Trenches. Ever. Really. He also pulled out Kibler’s mono-black-except-for-FTK.Sideboard.dec, and we discovered that he who drops the first Braids is sexy. But man, Mesmeric Fiend is annoying beyond belief. Does he always have to take my Mutilate or Shade?
For the last coupla weeks or so, I’ve contended that Shambling Swarm can be a hornet’s nest o’ trouble with all the Aether Bursts and Repulses and Mongeese flying around – and it turns out that yep, that guy is oftentimes difficult to control. Crypt KEEPER, and dudes you can sac, makes Da’ Swarms life and times iffy as all hell. I’m not saying the guy sucks; rather, you probably aren’t going to get away with dropping him into every black deck on Da’ Motha Earf and kicking ass. So watch out, sucka duckz.
Lemme introduce you to version 2.0:
//NAME: Black Deck.dec
4x Chainer’s Edict
4x Crypt KEEPER
4x Nantuko Shade
4x Phyrexian Rager
4x Braids, Cabal Minion
2x Cabal Coffers
Just look at that funny board! The first thing that is going to jump out at you is the 4x Cursed Flesh, and here’s why:
2) One mana will kill the following Popular (they’re all quarterbacks) creatures: Llanowar Elves, Birds of Paradise, Basking Rootwalla, Grim Lavamancer, Spectral Lynx, Merfolk Looter and Nightscape Familiar. It will make Wild Mongrel look a little less stellar, allow a friggin’ Crypt KEEPER to trade with a Call token, and tell Jonny Magic that he ain’t doing squat, even though he now has double Fear.
3) Picture the scene: It’s turn 15 or so and a creature standoff has ensued. You have a Nantuko Shade and, say, 10 Swamps. Pump up the Shade once, drop Flesh on him, and serve for too much. Fear can be tech sometimes. Although if you have a Shade and ten Swamps, there really shouldn’t be a creature standoff in the first place, right?
Yes, dear peeps, I am advocating Cursed Flesh as a sick-ass sideboard card. And I think that this is the one card per block that I am going to be right about. But, oh, it’s from the last block. Heh, Nightscape Familiar and Cursed Flesh?
Dude, I invented Sexual Chocolate and a sexy way to kill him!
Oh yeah, what’s with the Psychotic Haze stuff? Well, it’s the only instant-speed answer I can find for Goblin Trenches. (Yeah, there’s Screams of the Damned, but who uses that?) It could rool, it could drool, or it could”bang erasers” with that hottie teacher’s aide after school.
Yes, dear peeps, I am advocating the term”bang erasers” as a tasteful substitute for”bump uglies.”
It’s also fairly sly against those guys who turn a Shade sideways and pump all of their mana into him because you don’t have a blocker. Yes, enough people still pump the Shade up all at once to make this a cute little trick – well, at least once in awhile.
(All right, I can hear you screaming”ENGINEERED PLAGUE!” And you may just be right.)
Tip: Pump him once, let it resolve, pump him again, let it resolve, rinse and repeat. Or don’t and learn the hard way.
“I was showing you the playbook I put together off my own beats.”
-John Turturro, Rounders
And don’t even get me started on how”accurate” Rounders was. The last hand where Matt Damon won all the good times with a flopped straight is a joke. His actions are so stupid that if Teddy didn’t realize that phrases like”Sure, I’ll gamble” and”I guess I’d better call” are obviously a sucker ploy, then how the hell did he ever get to be a big cheese in the Russian Outfit?
For a similar ridiculous ending, see The Cincinnati Kid. Or any other poker movie ever made.
Or just ask Chris Senhouse – I bet he’ll back me up.
And now, a Krush Groove highly-based-in-reality moment:
Russell Rush: (to a chick he just bumped into) Hey, baby, wanna go do the wild thing?
Chick: Sure, let’s go.
Yeah, that happens.
Note to screenwriter: Excellent job in portraying reality there.
“This from the guy who still owes me ten bucks over which will be the bigger film: ET or Krush Groove.”
-Ben Affleck, Dogma
“F*** you man, cause time’s gonna tell on that one.”
-Matt Damon, Dogma
Yep, it sure will.
Addle and Echoes are for any nutty control decks that pop up in here – but here’s to hoping they don’t, because they really aren’t the best answers ever, now are they?
Wait! Urborg Shambler would be the freakin’ nuts in the mirror. Talk about your sideboard tech. Normally, I’d say gimme a one cc enchant creature with more applicable uses any day, but lemme think about that Shambler thing, for it might be tight as white on rice.
4:23 AM Sleep is tech.
12:30-ish: Saturday cash tourney, twenty-odd peeps, or if you prefer, twenty odd peeps.
The”cash” is actually packs. But Saturday Pack Tourney sounds kinda dumb.
The idea that Elizabeth Taylor might have once uttered the phrase”I need to get me some strange” is still making me pee in my pants, which is what I ended up doing since Crossroads bathroom was broken. Okay, everyone peed outside. Heh.
We call that”uriniti alfresco” in the old country.
Round 1: Deejer, Tog with Aquamoeba, Looter, and the usual suspects, but no bounce
What a slaughter. Seriously. For some reason, Deejer decided that playing with bounce would be a bad idea – thus, played without bounce. He hit me once with Aquamoeba, and then my hits started to hit back: Shade, Rager, and the kicker – Braids. With no bounce, it’s all academic after that.
The second game was even worse, or better. Deejer got out two Looters and Aquamoeba, so I simply Mutilated his boys away, dropped Braids and rode her home. Two Ichorids in the yard were all I needed – who needs permanents with that bad boy coming back and forth?
Round 2: Pop to the Jackal to the Jackal to the Road Head, R/G/B w/out any Torment cards
Whatever. Without an early Braids, I just lose, since I don’t really have time to kill all his Calls, Spiritmongers, and Raging Kavu. Heh, Raging Kavu is like, really good when no one plays red. Oh, and Pop has more burn than anyone who has ever had burn has had. Sally and her seashells down on the friggin’ beach need not apply.
Game two I drew three creatures. Pop killed them. Thus, Pop suckz.
Round 3: Brett Coggin, B/W with Shades, Verdict, Lynx and stuff
The first game sees me stuck with two Swamps and two Cabal Coffers. What a freakin’ tease – that’s Britney Spears wanting you, scantily-clad and hot and bothered but you can’t get to her because you’re behind a wall of jello.
The second game sees me drop Shade, Shade, Braids. Yeah, that’s fairly tight. And booya for me, I got to Cursed Flesh his Spectral Lynx. Belee dat! Why isn’t the artwork for Braids a pic of Snoop Dogg?
The third game see Brett stuck on two lands facing a Shade that turns all my excess mana into severe pain. Shade = Painbringer. Wizards messed up again, what with having a card called”Painbringer” in Odyssey.
Nantuko Shade is the best bad mana draw punisher in the history of bad mana draw punishers. Ever.
Round 4: The Ben Klar, Tog w/sideboard Edicts. Yes, sideboard. No, not maindeck.
In both games, I drop a turn 4 Braids. In both games, Braids doesn’t leave the board until I get Togged to death. How? No, really, how? Other than Ben being the newest and improvinest Answer Boy, I’m not sure.
Oh, he Lobotomized Ichorid in the first game, and Edict in the second. And drew so much land that I had to play on the floor. No, I’m not sure what that means either.
What the hizell? Well, I guess it’s win and I’m in or lose and… Oh, I did this bit before. But you get the idea and can smell the drama, right?
Round 5: Dan Baker, A Wild Research deck similar to Jay Schneider’s but not exactly but really really close, sorta
Dan’s first land is City of Brass. Dan’s second land is Barbarian Ring. Dan’s third land is more pain. Dan’s fourth land – er, it doesn’t really matter because I played Braids, sacced her during my upkeep, played another Braids, sacced a land during my upkeep, and cast Gravedigger. Repeat ad nauseum.
Dan double mulligans the second game, which means that a turn 2 Shade, turn 3 Rager, turn 4 Braids is kinda good.
Dan Baker is now The King of Amazingly Awful Draws Against Rizzo.
I manage to squeak in as the 8th seed. Sex me up, ya’ll.
Quarterfinals: Brenden Hill, Kibler’s mono black except for FTK dot Sideboard.dec
These are the coolest games of Magic I have ever played… Or at least played lately. I Duress Brenden on turn one and see three Braids. Heh? Well, he cast one, sacced it, cast the second, sacced it, and finally cast the third – this time to stay. However, I am the unadulterated king of drawing lands and two drops, and eventually become the king of drawing Mutilate. At this point, we’re both playing off the top, but Brenden strikes paydirt first when he finds Ichorid.
People laugh at me for playing Crypt KEEPER. Really, they do. Brenden was one of the few that never did think it was that funny, and he certainly didn’t after I KEEPED his Ichy. After that, I peel a Corrupt and zoom up to ten or so… But B’s still at nineteen. However, I find Ichy and he keeps coming back. Then I find Gravedigger and another Ichy and Edicts and Multilates and whatnots. Off the top games like this are nutty, yo, but I have a slight advantage in that I can get rid of his Ichy, while he can’t touch mine, just like M.C. Hammer said. And yeppers, Gravedigger is some friggin’ tight.
Top Deck War Tight/Loose Play Alert: At some point, I have nothing but Crypt KEEPER in play, and B finally peels a Flametongue. So excited he was at finally peeling something that could be considered an action card, he cast it. Yes, he literally smacked himself in the diz when I stared at him for a second. See, Crypt KEEPER is so tight he makes peeps smack themselves in the diz when I stare at them for a second.
Game two sees Brenden with the turn 4 Braids and it’s soon over. But you would’ve been proud of my effort. Although I did ask Deejer, who was watching, to”hold me, please hold me.”
Game three, however, sees B cast Persecute on turn 4. He gets Crypt KEEPER, Rager and, oops, Ichorid and, um, another Ichorid. Considering that I had a Shade and KEEPER already in the yard, I’d say that qualifies as the Worst Persecute Ever.
I Persecute you, make you dump your entire hand, and I take twelve because of it? Yep, he got a four-for-one. And I got a twelve-for-nothing. Card advantage is an ass neck.
B gets out a Shade, but I got the sick ass tech in the form of – say it with me now – Cursed Flesh. Ichy comes back and back again, and after Brenden drops a peeled Shade, I say”I guess I better peel an Edict.” Sometimes the stars align just right and the heavens open and you get to feel tight. I got to feel tight, but I didn’t see the heavens open and the stars align just right because we were playing indoors. But if Brenden had a retractable roof in his store, then I would’ve seen that stuff after the Edict jumped from my deck to my meaty paws.
But he’s way too cheap to install a retractable roof. I can just picture him saying,”Man, a retractable roof would run me like 400 grand.” Whine, whine, whine, I’ll tell ya.
Semifinals: The Ben Klar, Tog
Ben wins the first game after Lobotomizing my freakin’ Braids. Cry? Well, almost. And Deejer was not around to hold me, just hold me. Thus, I held myself. A lot.
In game two, both Ben and I are both so concerned with my Braids staying on/off the table that we almost failed to notice that my two KEEPERS and Gravedigger, well, killed him.
I sided out Mutilate for Addle, and boy they were sexy. I did that after game 1 but forgot to type it up there and am too lazy to copy and paste it where it belongs. But feel free to save this article into Word and copy and paste to your heart’s desire.
I raped his hand with multiple Duress and Addle, but Ben drops a very early Tog, which keeps my KEEPER and Rager and assorted two-power dudes at bay… For a while, but at the cost of depleting the hell out of his yard. Soon after, Ichy comes to town. Ben Facts and Fictions and Facts a little more, but he can’t find any answers to Ichy. Considering that there are very few answers to Ichy, and no one plays with any of them anyway (except me), it’s no surprise that my endless supply of 2/1 and 2/2 guys, backed up by Ichy (and soon after another Ichy) stomp multiple mudholes in Ben’s mudhole.
Finals: Frank”no relation to Peter ’cause I asked” Cushing, B/G w/Braids, Squirrel’s Nest, Call and Overrun
It’s all about Braids: Frank has two and I have four. But oh, recurring Crypt KEEPER to remove Calls from the yard is tight. Especially so when you can double block the first Call with KEEPER and Rager. Card advantage – where? Gravedigger is a friggin’ jagoff, that’s how good he is.
The second game is fairly one sided: Turn 2 Shade, turn 3 Rager, turn 4 Ichy, turn 5 Mutilate your whole team and mine too I guess, turn 6 drop Coffers and play Gravedigger to get back and play Shade and play a second Shade for fun. Coffers is kinda good sometimes. When you can cast Edict, another Edict, and flash one back on turn 8, you could say that that would be one of those times. Because Frank got out double Squirrel’s Nest, and the fact that even Ichy needs a little help now and again, a Corrupt the living piss out of you ended the game.
By the way, when you Corrupt someone, you really should say”Corrupt the living piss out of you.” It really helps if you put a ton of emphasis on the word”piss.” Trust me.
What peeps are thinking:
No, you still suck. (Yep.)
Everyone got mana screwed. (Word ’em up.)
Everyone had crappy decks (Hells yes.)
Die, Rizzo, die a horrible, miserable death alone in a catpiss-infested house with no central heating or functioning plumbing, pls/thx. (I’ll see what I can do.)
Or maybe I’m just really, really lucky. But I’ll take 11-3 over two days, a shiny FNM foil – that has yet to be delivered to me because it wasn’t delivered to Brenden (Wizards, get on the ball, y’all) – and eighteen packs. And actual wins in a Constructed event. Look out Richard Lynch.
Let’s take a look at what I think is right about the deck, and see if we agree.
Only 4x Duress as the hand disruption? Many peeps are playing Mesmeric Fiend in addition to Duress, and some are going as far as throwing Addle into the mix as well. Many of those same decks are also using Mutilate. This seems odd. Why take a good card on turn 2 with Fiend to give it back when you Mutilate? Granted, you can usually Mutilate and then play the Fiend, but that’s not always the case. And you really can’t block with the Fiend, now can you? Against aggressive decks, he’s like a super-fading Parallax Nexus – if they don’t outright kill him. The guy would be better if he read”you MAY choose a card” instead of”[you must] choose.” Give me KEEPER, Shade, and Edict in the two slot and I’ll be happy.
Additionally, Duress, Addle, and Fiend seems like overkill against anything but a devoted control or burn deck. I could understand Duress and Addle, for that would be relevant against just about everything, but when you throw the Fiend into the mix, you might be treading on shaky ground. I can see both sides, but I just prefer to think my side works better for me. So there.
I expect to get a lot of crap about 4x Crypt KEEPER. In fact, I already do. He’s a two-power guy for two mana. He has an ability that is going to be at least a little relevant in almost every match, and especially stupid against opposing Ichorids. He has the potential to be a three-for-one against a green deck: block a Mongoose and steal a Call from the yard, preventing the Flashback. While that may not happen often, he’s still a two-power guy for two mana, you net deckin’ bastards!
I haven’t seen a heavy black deck without 4x Phyrexian Rager, and there’s a reason – datguysgood.
Some peeps think that 3x Gravedigger is stupid, cheesy, or downright bad synergy with Ichorid. He may be cheesy, but he ain’t so bad when you get back a Shade, and he’s positively stupid when you can sac and recur Braids – getting you about a three or four for one. At the absolute worst, he’s a 2/2 for four. At the absolute average, he’s gonna bring back something and trade with something else that probably won’t be coming back. And in the mirror or semi-mirror, this guy probably takes the deck over the top. Twenty-three creatures plus 3x Gravedigger feels like about thirty creatures to your opponent.
Okay, who uses 23 dudes and 3x Mutilate in the same deck? A guy whose creatures are a) expendable but with useful cuteness, b) plentiful, c) probably going to be coming back, and d) fodder for Ichorid, who wins more games than even the Shade. Killing my own dudes isn’t so bad if I can take far better creatures with them. I want dudes in my yard for Ichy and Gravedigger. You don’t want dudes in the your yard, hence, it’s a win-win.
You know the story with 4x Ichorid, so I won’t elaborate. Really, I won’t.
1x Corrupt could be two or three or four, but in the matches where my life total is going to be dipping down low (R/G, Speedy U/G and Sligh), getting to six mana isn’t very likely without some help. The single Corrupt is mostly there as a lark, with the kicker of being an alternative removal spell – removing a dude or an opponent. This could easily become a Haunting Echoes, but a Corrupt that resolves is always going to be a large life swing. An Echoes that resolves, on the other hand, may or may be Bombay – it’ll clear out the yard and deck, but it has no possible effect on the board at the moment it is cast. Corrupt can and often does. Whatever, it’s one friggin’ card, but I’ll take Corrupt, thanks.
Wow, 23x Swamp seems like a lot when you consider that you also have 2x Cabal Coffers. If ever there was a deck that does not want to miss a land drop, this is it. Peeling land after land to sac to Braids makes me glad that I put in too much land – and although I’ve heard some bad press about Coffers, they only truly suck if you’re stuck with only two Swamps. They get plain ol’ abusive mid game (around turn 6 or 7), and can turn a Shade into something even more unfair than he already is. Plenty of land makes for good times.
Kewl sideboard technology:
4x Innocent Blood. When you absolutely, positively have to make target player sac a dude. I don’t think there is much argument on the need for these in the board. They will usually replace Duress in the matches where dudes, dudes and more dudes are coming up on me. Mostly, these will see love against R/G and U/G assorted fast decks that put out a lot of pressure before I can Mutilate. Or Mutilate your team except for your Roar token – I’ll tap one more for him.
3x Addle. Who can bitch about these, except maybe that they should be main? Swap these for Mutilate in the matches where blowing up multiple dudes only serves to fill your graveyard and only your graveyard. Or don’t. But I warned you.
4x Cursed Flesh. Until someone convinces me that these aren’t worth their weight in gold, I’ll use ’em. But I doubt that anyone will – oh, they’ll try, damnit, but they will fail.
2x Engineered Plague: Yep – Trenches. They can also hit a lot of other annoying things… But let’s be real, they’re here for Trenches first and foremost. No one plays Trenches anymore? Well, cool, I won’t have to worry about siding them in then. Whew.
2x Haunting Echoes: At first I thought that two spots for peeps that might have CoP: Black or Sphere of Grace or Worship/Reborn Hero (yeah, sure) would be prudent, so I filled them with Soul Feast. And then thought about Organ Grinder. Heh. And Caustic Tar. Heh again. But then I realized that Echoes will do essentially the same thing – potentially win the game against wussy-ass white decks whose creatures suck, or at least make them concede because peeps like to concede prematurely ’cause they see all the pros do it. But, man, Caustic Tar is a beating. And who plays with enchantment removal?
I also considered Tsabo’s Assassin for the mirror. LOLROFLLMAO. But think about it for a second. And another second too, because I may have a point. I don’t, but then again, I just might.
Zombie Trailblazer also got a little attention for the mirror as well. Okay, my Shade is unblockable, and yours? Think about that for a second as well.
But whatever. What am I, trying to convince you to play the deck? Not hardly. It’s only rock and roll, but I like it. And I plan to play this up until and maybe including Regionals, although I’m sure that someone will post a deck that beats everything, including mono black. Probably that friggin’ Seth Burn guy, or maybe Jay Schneider or Bennie Smith or some Team Binary guy.
Speaking of Team Binary, will you please release Mike Mason from whatever dungeon you guys have him locked up in?
(It’s called EverQuest – The Ferrett)
Heh, Mike Mason is the new”Gimp” in Pulp Fiction 2.
March 3: It’s daytime!
“Let’s get drunk, let’s all have fun…”
-Mary J. Blige, Family Affair
Doesn’t getting drunk kinda lose its appeal when you reach the age of, oh, eighteen or so?
Okay, I guess she says,”Let’s get it pumped.” Still, I think I made my point.
“So grab somebody and get your ass on the dance floor.”
-Mary J. Blige, Family Affair
Doesn’t dancing kinda lose its appeal when you realize that only wussies dance? And if you ever line danced or did the Macarena, consider yourself, well, some friggin’ stupid.
(Breakdancing, however, is very much not wussy.)
Billy Ray Cyrus had a Mullet. For a long time. He probably still does. But I bet he can line dance.
I think I made my point.
Mary J. Blige and Billy Ray Cyrus in a Magic article? Hey, I wrote about my vasectomy, for Christ’s sake, what do you expect – strategy?
Seventeen pages, and its only Saturday night/Sunday morning. This could end up being a record. Stay tuned.
After the Saturday pack tourney, there was a draft with, you won’t believe it – eight guys.
I was anxious to try R/B, a deck that I usually avoid, but since everyone hates red I figured that I’d be fighting with, at most, one other guy.
Man, R/B really needs to get an Ember Beast or two, a coupla Mad Dogs, and Firebolts from Odyssey to have any prayer. I got one Dog and one Bolt to go with 2x Blazing Salvo and a Reckless Charge, and I even picked up some black love in the form of Patriarch’s Desire, Dusk Imp, 2x Morbid Hunger and Whispering Shade. The red filled out with way too many high end, low life span guys like Halberdier, Dwarven Strike Force and Frenetic Ogre. But I had faith in the sexy blackness of love that is Torment.
I added a Butcher, Boneyard Slasher, Crippling Fatigue, Fiend, Grinder, Sick Ass Dreams and Soul Scourge. And I think that at least five guys were into black. The red added Fiery Temper, 2x Sonic Seizure, 2x Longhorn Firebeast – and oh yeah, a tenth-pick Pardic Collaborator. Drool.
Turns out that there were two other guys taking red. Huh, three red drafters at one table? No wonder I got semi-shafted. Oh, and I got to play both of the other red guys in rounds 1 and 2.
I managed to sneak out victories in both, but man, R/B is one tough archetype to draft. If you can’t get the core cards – a boatload of Reckless Charges, Ember Beast, a couple of Barbarian Outcasts, and Mad Dog, Chainflinger and for the heck of it, Shower of Coals – then best o’ luck to ya.
Is it worth it to try to deal with R/B? Hells, sucking up all the good Odyssey white and stealing some sexy stuff from black or blue in Torment sounds a lot easier. So, I really don’t know any more about O/O/T drafting than I did last week. And I didn’t know much even then.
Jackal to the Pop to the most broken draft deck ever schooled me in the 2-0 bracket, but hey, how would you deal with 2x Butcher, 2x Skywing Aven, Chainer, and so many other good cards that I won’t bother to list them because, well, I can’t remember. But they were good.
Okay, I guess I’ve jumped on the Wizards Make Us A Card, Sucka Ducks bandwagon. My three submissions (although I’m still pissed that the card wasn’t black):
When CARDNAME comes into play, sacrifice a permanent. When CARDNAME leaves play, sacrifice a permanent, then put CARDNAME into play under your control.
Heh, bounce would be pretty bad for this bad boy, huh? Unless you had some permanents that you kinda wanted to get in the bin, that is. Or something.
Again with the”heh” thing. A Flashback dude that creates his own infinite loop, sorta. Okay, I guess you could add”other than CARDNAME” at the end of his Threshold ability, if you’re a stickler or a friggin’ rules lawyer or general pain in deez nutz or something.
When CARDNAME comes into play, sacrifice a permanent, then put two green Beast tokens into play with power and toughness equal to the converted mana cost of that permanent.
Yeah, yeah, tell me how broken it is: sacrifice a Phyrexian Colossus to get two 7/7 Beasts. Now that’s a fairly realistic scenario. <insert”NOT!” here> Oh, sorry.<first flashback to 1993, then insert”NOT!” here>
Was it just me, or was it unclear if you were supposed to submit all three of your ideas on that one little line, or send in three separate forms? Alas, clicking”help” is always the last resort; sending in three forms is always the best policy – because what’s not better in triplicate?
So I suck at designing cards – you expected what exactly? Hell, if”pay half your life rounded up” wasn’t so out of green’s flavor, I would’ve submitted three bad boys with just that sexy mechanic.
“I decide that I’m too tired to go on a holy crusade to find a friggin’ chair (again!), so I figure I’ll just stand. After about five minutes, I’m ready to pay half my life rounded up for anything that I could possibly sit on.”
-Me, GP – Detroit report
Wow, that is like the funniest thing I ever wrote.
Oddly, I don’t think I’ve ever paid half my life rounded up in a sanctioned tourney. But I really want to. A lot. So much so that I’m strongly considering adding one Infernal Contract to Black Deck.dec. And I bet peeps would have to read it, which is an uber bonus.
March 4: 2:52 A.M. Pizeace to da’ misundastood hoodz all up in here. Oh, and Kai won. Yawn.
March 4: It’s daytime!
I pick Berto up from school, which is conveniently right across the street from the cribbo, strap him and Abs in the car seats and head off to the mall.
Anger management class idea: Why do seventeen-year-old jagoffs think that they need to park as absolutely close to the mall entrance as humanly possible? What the piss – aren’t there enough peeps with kids that don’t really need to park in the cheap seats like fifty blocks away? Nope, guess not.
Screw old people!
Screw parents with their kids!
Screw the fact that it’s one degree!
Screw everyone ’cause I’m seventeen and too stupid to think about anything other than getting drunk and getting even drunker and I’m also too busy thinking about how much I am not getting laid to worry about old peeps that could really use the close parking spots.
Tip: spending two grand to trick out your $1,600 car is kinda stupid. And no, we are most assuredly not impressed that your entire car rattles because you bought some wack-ass”Miami Bass Sounds Volume 3″ CD at Wal-Mart.
The first day I pulled into the mall with the eggs in tow, it was like one degree and I was idling, awaiting a soon-to-be-opened parking spot that was relatively close. I waited for about five minutes because the ass that was ready to leave was being an ass and letting the shiz warm up. When the ass finally pulled out, this <insert a long stream of profanity here> seventeen year old piece of ass (and no, I don’t mean”hot chick) zoomed right in front of me and pulled into the spot I friggin’ earned.
Oh. My. God. Please, whoever is in charge of this stuff: never, ever, ever, grant me a permit to carry a handgun. Ever. Life in prison would’ve been worth it. Getting traded for cartons of smokes would’ve been worth it. Never being able to sit down again would’ve been worth it. Getting shivved and”taught lessons” in the shower would’ve been worth it.
Please ID and play net decks, but don’t ever, ever, ever be a total waste of human flesh and take the closest possible spot to the mall entrance – think about the old peeps and the parents with eggs in tow. And don’t steal my goddamned spot you <more profanities>.
Thank you for your attention.
“Bitch, I’mma kill you!”
-Eminem, every song he ever did
“F*** you and die.”
-Steven Seagal, in a movie he did when he was still cool and didn’t make movies that were nothing more than a friggin’ campaign ad for his latest politically correct cause
“I’ll gouge out your eyes and skull F*** you!”
-R. Lee Ermy, Full Metal Jacket
“I am in a world of s***.”
-Vincent D’onofrio, Full Metal Jacket
I check out Star City’s update and the last of my one line”articles.” Man, I’m glad that’s over with.