There’s A Light That Never Goes Out (PG-13)

A little late for Valentine’s Day, Tony Boydell offers some”adult” variants of Magic that one can play with a partner. The rest we leave up to your sordid imagination, or you can just click the link.

“All You Need Is Life!

All You Need Is Life!

All You Need Is Life, Life,

Twenty Life Is All You Need”

Can there be anything more romantic than a quiet evening in with your partner; a tender tete-a-tete that follows a hearty meal, to a background of soft music, and (should the carpet be of a sufficiently durable quality) some dancing? You’d have thought not, but you would have thought wrong… Er, wrongly… No, that’s not right…. You’d have thought in the wrong… Thought unrightly? Now I’m stuck at the end of this bloody sentence.

As Magic players, you are (of course) missing the obvious intellectual ‘bridge’ that connects this amorous program’s first (food-based) and second (also food-based, if you like that sort of thing) Acts; I’m talking about a couple of games of the old CCG… You know… Garfield’s Patent Invigorator? But when lurve is in the air, one can’t go steel-toecapping the whole delicate situation with six rounds of Swiss and a Top 8 booster draft knockout! No, indeed – rest assured that this is the quickest method of inducing head pain in a woman.*

One must take a subtler path, a more discreet approach…heretofore-th are some Magic play variants to bring you Martians and Venusians together.


“Thanks for the games you’ve given me,

The Memory Lapses are all in my mind

And now that we’ve come to the end of our Rainbow (Vale)

There’s something I must say out loud”

The Magic Of Love Variant #1: Louder Than Bombs

Sitting (naked) opposite one another, select a deck each with which to play and proceed. You are not allowed, however, to do any of the following:

  • Aim direct damage spells at your lover;

  • Aim anything else at your lover (at least not yet!);

  • Attack your lover with creatures if there aren’t at least the same number of creatures available to legally block;

  • Attack your lover with anything else (see previous caveat); or,

  • Aim direct damage spells at nice creatures (she’ll tell you which ones are ‘nice’ and which are ‘nasty’)

  • Deal any damage to your opponent whatsoever

Seemingly a pointless exercise, the energy and resourcefulness you would’ve used to”deliver beats” will be stored up and channelled towards how you’re going to be”delivering love” a little later in the evening; it’s a tantric thing.*** The more rules-lawyerish amongst you will note that these restrictions still leave the way open for your HIGH-TIDE ‘draw infinite cards’, CHANCE ENCOUNTER, or other stupid win-condition decks – it’s up to you: PLAY or LAY?

“Pretty Woman,

Walking down the street

Pretty Woman,

The kind I’d like to ID into the Top 8 with”

The Love Of Magic Variant #2: Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others

Sitting (naked) side-by-side, select two decks as normal but one shall be GOOSEBERRY.DEC, whilst the other shall be played by both yourself and your partner. Feel the sexual frissons as you declare your intentions to attack in unison – or”as one,” you enter your clean-up phase (hopefully you’ll be cleaning up a lot more later! Eh! Nudge, nudge****); love blossoms as in Spring when you’re reduced to zero life together!

For the more adventurous amongst you, perhaps inviting another Magic-playing couple to play GOOSEBERRY.DEC instead? Or you could even… Gulp, is it getting hot in here or is it me?… Alternate decks and/or… Ulp… Partners?

Remember always to avoid these games getting out of hand unless you know you can cope – most of us would bitterly regret lost ranking points or unfair prize splits the day after… And no amount of cuddling can make up for the knowledge that you played with someone else’s deck!

“Ain’t no Sunweb when she’s gone

Only darkness every day

Ain’t no Sunweb when she’s gone

And she’s always gone too long

Any time she goes away”

The Magic Of Loving Magic Variant #3: Frankly, Mr Shankley

Magic is full to the (naked) brim with characters and their epic (semi-naked) stories; this variant is a twist on the popular children’s game of PAIRS, where matched pairs of cards are shuffled together and placed face down in a grid (a bit like a masked version of a Rotisserie draft) and you must turn only two over in a turn and try and a) find pairs, and b) remember where everything is positioned to later facilitate the completion of (a). This would be awfully dull, and not in the least Cupidatory if no element of ‘hearts and flowers’ could be introduced… In FMS, the pairs are male/female couples from the various sets which need to be romantically linked!

How pink is that?

Some examples of those Magical marriages-made-in-heaven are: BARRIN, MASTER WIZARD and RAYNE, ACADEMY CHANCELLOR; SERRA ANGEL and SENGIR VAMPIRE (the Vampire greatly admires that the Angel is so”up-front,” apparently); GERARD CAPASHEN and HANNA, SHIPS NAVIGATOR (or, if you believe the rumours SQUEE, GOBLIN NABOB – scandalmongers put it about that GERARD likes ANYTHING that’s a Goblin*****); EMPEROR ABOSHAN and either EMPRESS GALINA (tart on the side) or EMPRESS LLAWAN (more sushi than tart), et cetera.

Optionally, when you”discover” an appropriate pair, you could make a kissing noise; play the theme from the movie Love Story on the stereo, or playfully have them simulate intercourse.

“Heeeeeeeeey, hey baby

(Hoo! Hah!)

I wanna kno-oh-oh-oh oh-oh, will you be my Enchant World?”

The Loving Variant Of Magic Art #4: Nine And A Half Turns

Turn the (naked) lights down low, slip into something more comfortable (like a Deck Protector), pump out the walrus-like rumblings of Barry W, and blindfold the (naked) victim. Then, suggestively, lingeringly, and with all sorts of lasciviousness aforethought, rub them all over with rares (foiled or not, it’s your call – foiled are a little more”wipe-clean”) and tease them until they can take no more.

Some Things To Say While You’re Emptying Your Trades Folder:

  • “You want THIS card for your Extended deck… Sooooooooo much!”

  • “…think of an elegant combo as it goes off… So many cards to draw, so little time…”

  • (Pant)”I’m going to declare my intention to attack you with these!”

  • “Oh! It’s sooooooo big! I don’t think I can absorb all of the trample damage!”

  • “This one may have a low power and toughness – but it’s what I’m going to do with it that counts!”

  • “Do you want to take an extra turn after this one? So soon?”

Happy lovin’,

Tony ‘Putting the T in Ruth’ Boydell

[email protected]

* – Assuming your partner is female; if he isn’t, then one of you is the woman in the relationship, and that’s probably you, so you wouldn’t mind it if you went at it like a bull at a gate (With all apologies to GLAAD prematurely given – The Ferrett) **

** – When I say”at it,” I am referring to the 6 rounds of Swiss analogy…

*** – That means most of my tournament experiences are”tantric,” then ;-(

**** – Nudge, nudge? There’s an article in that somewhere, I’m sure.

***** Or a-singin’, or a-dancin,’ etc.