I was making a half-hearted attempt to tidy my room the other day.
Those of you who know me will know that I seldom ever use the words ‘tidy’ and ‘me’ in the same sentence without a strong negative being present. But in the effort to make our flat look good for the impending visitation of doom*, I was willing to go the extra mile. Needless to say, my room achieved a vague semblance of order and I succeeded in passing the weekend of continual interrogation. However, it is what I found during that monumental exertion of effort that sparked the inspiration for this exercise, coupled with an excellent article that Tim Aten wrote a while ago whilst reviewing White in Betrayers. What did I find during my epic room reordering? A Lava Runner.
Yup, you read correctly. That never played, looked-so-cool-yet-not-quite-good-enough guy from the distant past of Mercadian Masques inspired me. I remember when I first cracked the card open in a draft, I thought it was an awesome piece of work, something that R&D should be congratulated on. Just look at it, it’s like a piece of Bauhaus art; it’s so sleek and well designed. For three mana, with a double casting cost just to even it out, you get a 2/2. But that isn’t it – this is more than a Gray Ogre and that’s what makes it so beautiful. It has haste too – but they didn’t stop there, this is a lot better than Goblin Chariot; tagged onto it is this nifty, completely original, anti-targeting LD ability.
What we have is a creature that goes beyond the tight mold that Wizards use when making creatures. For X mana you get an X-1/X-1 creature, that’s the basic vanilla starting point. If you double up on colored mana or make the card uncommon/rare or decrease its stats, you gain an extra point of power or toughness, or an ability, sometimes more. It is these bonuses that make cards good. Gnarled Mass, Kitsune Blademaster, Ronin Houndmaster, Opal-Eyes, Hand of Honor and Sosuke are all good modern examples of this creative tinkering.
Okay, now we know why I think Lava Runner is cool: it’s because it breaks molds in a way that doesn’t ruin the game, or cause a savagely unfair advantage – it does something new in a competent way. It’s one neat little package. It got me thinking, what other creatures out there do things really well and fit the innovative, undercosted, funky creature thing? So I started making a list, and soon I realized that once cool cards like Lava Runner, Man-‘o-War, Mirri, Cat Warrior and Wall of Blossoms made the list, all the other cards were the creatures that have dominated Constructed Magic since its birth, most of which have broken rules or have been visionaries for new creatures down the line.
Tim Aten article’s inspiration was the format he used. I speak of the one where he got all of his friends to review a different card and then write a few whimsical paragraphs on it so that he was able to produce an effective and fun montage of opinions. He said at the time that although one of his main reasons for doing his article like that was out of laziness. I’m definitely a lazy person. If anyone is ever going to be diagnosed of suffering from chronic laziness disorder I would like it to be me. At the end of his article, he left a little note, which read that despite his intentions, the article had been extremely hard to bring together. Tim is American, so I figure that he was exaggerating and set off to lazily make my copycat article.
Boy, was I wrong! Blimey has this article been hard work to make. Coercing people to spend twenty minutes of their time doing something fun is sooo much more difficult that I though it would be. I had decided to postpone this article until after London so that I could get people to add their thoughts, but despite having eight or so people staying at my flat, no one contributed anything**. Especially after Geoffrey won, as he then turned the flat into a maelstrom of ridiculously drunk people.
Aside: Watching Swap (Siron’s nickname) trying to keep himself standing upright whilst slowly slipping to the floor where he lay twitching and struggling like a flipped and stranded turtle after sipping some very plush champagne from his trophy will be a memory I shall cherish for years to come.
Probably the most difficult thing that I asked everyone to do was to rank their creatures. They had to imagine a large ladder, at the top of which was The Best, Coolest Creature Ever! whilst at the other end was where the rejects from Legends got to duke it out with the likes of Accursed Centaurs**** and things with banding. Rather than try and work out exactly where their creature ranked (unless it was in the top fifteenish), they were to decide an accurate approximation that cold stand up to others criticism. So the likes of Spike Weaver could probably be around 57th whereas Soratami Seer might fall around the 3706th mark.
There are definitely some cards missing from the top ten: cards like Masticore, Ophidian, Hypnotic Specter, Eternal Witness, Birds of Paradise, Goblin Welder and Sundering Titan, but there are only so many people willing to spare ten minutes of their time, hard though that may be to belief.
Ruud Warmenhoven will kick us off. For those of you who do not know Ruud, or know him only as a fellow writer and Topdeck player, he’s one funny guy. Ask him for his PT: London photos… His choice was exactly the kind of thing I wanted; he has chosen a creature that most of you will have to click on to find out what it does. Why did he chose it? To pay it tribute. He’s raising a glass to a guy that did him well in a long forgotten format and he doesn’t want it to disappear into obscurity or to appear as a novelty question that Mark Rosewater might pose. Without further ado, let me present you:
2005th – Battlefield Scrounger
One of the best creatures ever printed, if not the best, has got to be Battlefield Scrounger. It just does everything you want, attacking, blocking, doubling its stats, replenishing your library, going infinite and curing cancer. And all that for the price of zero mana, since you’re Oathing him up anyway. The story best to describe the impact of ol’ Scroungy is something we’ve all been through. You’re playing Oath vs. Sligh and you just cast Oath of Druids on turn three, but you are facing some pressure. Your opponent attacks you down to ten with his Jackal Pups and looks like he’s holding a burn spell or two so you need to get one of the two Phantom Nishobas in play to not lose. So when you start Oathing in your upkeep, fingers crossed, you end up flipping some cards and then finally hit one, winning you the game there and then. Moral of the story: Scrounger knows when not to show up, it’s just that good.
We all know Wizards made some slip-ups in the past on creatures, be it Morphling, Masticore, Psychatog or Wild Mongrel but Battlefield Scrounger is the limit. Does any of these creatures let you cast Time Warp every turn? Does any of these rid you of Threshold whenever you want it too? Does Morphling ever get bigger than a 5/1? Thought so. All pathetic when facing the one and only Battlefield Scrounger! For sale at this site for the low, low price of $0.25. Oh, and it inspired the Soulshift mechanic too!
A slight leap up the ranking chain now as most people only wanted to submit “good” cards. From one Dutchy to another, Jelger Wiegersma is widely considered to be one of the best technical players in the game and is always my first choice when getting a Monopoly money drafting team together. Jelger’s choice again focuses on what I wanted this article to do. How many people honestly thought of this little guy when considering the coolest creature ever?
19th – Ramosian Sergeant
I think Ramosian Sergeant should definitely be in the Top 5 of most powerful, undercosted creatures in the history of time (I relegated and adjusted some of the rankings, mainly so people didn’t slag off the orders in the forums – Q). Getting whole armies of Steadfast Guards, Fresh Volunteers and Whipcorders has made it one of the most used cards in any White deck whenever it’s been legal. It’ll be one of the cards I’ll miss most when Mercadian Masques rotates out of Extended. But getting 2/2’s is not the only thing this little guy can do. At the Pro Tour held in Chicago in 2000, it was used to start the great engine that made both the Counter-Rebel deck and the Mono White Rebel deck work. It would get a Defiant Falcon and then watch as the Falcon he’d summoned started making the rebel army bigger. Lin Sivvi would appear and all kinds of huge monsters, like Jhovall Queen and Ramosian Skymarshal would soon be on the board. Unfortunately Kamiel lost the finals of that PT with the Counter-Rebel deck losing in the finals to… Rebels of course. Piloted by Kai Budde. If Kai plays a deck right now it doesn’t really mean the deck’s very good (look at the decks he played in Columbus (go look right now please!) and in Philadelphia) but back in those days, when Kai was the greatest Magic player ever, Kai played Ramosian Sergeant…
Of course since then a lot has changed. Psychatog, Arcbound Ravager and Eternal Witness will probably be pretty high on Quentin’s list, maybe even above Ramosian Sergeant. But please keep in mind that none of these can create the card advantage the little 1/1 for W can generate. So, it shouldn’t be a surprise that instead of choosing one of the above mentioned creatures to play in the Extended PT this year in Columbus I chose not Ravager, not Psychatog, not even Pernicious Deed/recurring Eternal Witness, or, like Kai, Bladewing the Risen… No, I chose Ramosian Sergeant. It got me so many Whipcorders that weekend that I feel obliged to praise it now for its hard work it’s done for me ever since Masques Block Constructed. Also, this list will list the most undercosted creatures in the game and just having to tap one Plains is a lot less than most of the creatures on the list will cost you. So, don’t believe Quentin if he puts the Sergeant on 12, or 17, or even lower. This guy should be in the top 5…
Jelger
There are some cards that I really hoped people would pick, the ones that I dearly love. Cards like Lava Runner, Mirri, and Wall of Blossoms/Roots. The Invitational cards all fall perfectly into the criterion of this article, some do indeed fall higher up the ranking than this – My Choice. I feel like submitted something of my own is kinda like cheating, or playing MODO on someone else’s account, but this guy deserves some respect.
17th – Solemn Simulacrum
What makes cards good in Limited, and to a lesser degree, in Constructed? Card Advantage. You often hear people run up to you about how they devastated someone with a Mindslaver to gain an 11-1 or something equally stupid. Ancestral Recall is a 3-1, Spinal Embrace was often a 3-1. Played right, Wrath of God is a many for one. Solemn fits snugly up here with these greats (okay, not the Embrace, which is not so great), and even trumps some of them. Wrath is often a 1-1, Slaver can just be a Fog, but Mr. Thoren is always a 2-1 and normally a 3-1!
The best thing about this guy is that he is sooooo balanced. No one will ever accuse him of being unfair, or of breaking the rules in ways that Ravager, Clamp and Academy have all done. He’s an artifact so everyone can play him, he helps you out of mana/color screw, he draws you a card, he attacks, he’s even going to get his own spin-off series where he saves the day and gets the girl. Solemn may not appear in every format like many of the top ten do but people will always want to play him when he’s around and any deck that he’s in is a better deck. I can only hope that when I win the Invitational, my card might be positively compared to Solemn Simulacrum.
After my brief intermission, it’s back to the Dutch again and this time we’re lucky to be on the receiving end of the wisdom of probably the only person in the world who can identify where he is by the inside of the local trash can! The nutlow’s choice strikes close to my heart as a card I’ve played in at Block, Standard and Extended proving its versatility. The likes of this card will probably never be printed again for the reasons that makes this card any good outside of Invasion block. Whilst Julien Nuijten probably doesn’t need much introduction, I did hear he won Worlds once; I remember hearing about it and writing it off as a fluke. Needless to say, much like Gadiel, it wasn’t and this lil’ sixteen year old is here to stay. Ik Bedoel…
16th – Draco
Draco must be the most ridiculous creature ever made. I’ll sum up a couple of good reasons why this guy is so insane:
1. He is 9/9
2. He made the Topdeck possible which the English (amongst others) played in Eindhoven, allowing The Worst Card Of All Time* to see play in Extended
3. MennoD makes him that much better**
4. It kills people quickly without even being in play
5. He’s the only creature whose casting cost is equal to the age of two PT Champions
6. If you show Draco to Kenji Tsumaru, he will instinctively say “Boom-boom.” [Now I have to try this. – Knut, digging up a Draco]
7. He allowed me to kill 3 people with the same Kaboom! in a multiplayer battle
Compare this list to, say, Eternal Witness, and you’ll immediately see the differences that make Eternal Witness uncool:
1. She is only a 2/1
2. She made G/W Astral Slide possible (who would want that?)
3. She doesn’t look like MennoD at all
4. She kills you alright, but the final blow is preceded by long lasting torment
5. Someone this age will never win a PT (maybe Stewie, but he probably has other things at mind)
6. She is no boom-boom, she just has them
7. She takes forever to kill with
These are all obvious reasons why Draco is the coolest creature ever made.
* Sensei’s Divining Top – it makes you believe you’re doing something to make you forget how bad your deck actually is.
** Back in the day, during Invasion Block (or so I heard, I didn’t play back then), laying a different basic land without any fixers was a common draw for MennoD.
After that succinct list of reasons for the appropriately ranked 16th best ever creature, we return to some of England’s better players. Dave Grant may well be unknown as far as the world Magic scene is concerned but in England he racks up his PTQ wins and finishes in the money on occasion whilst on Tour. Another man of humor and questionable pastimes, whose work gets in the way of his hobby, always puts up a good record at our Nationals and might have finished higher in the money in London had it regrettably been for me and an O-Naginata… His card choice will be close to many people’s hearts. He ranked it 5th on the “non cheating list” where cards like Psychatog and Ravager reside, because they do things vastly different from what R&D intended them to do. In reality though, it slots in here.
15th – Spiritmonger
English Nationals Apocalypse Prerelease I was destroyed in two swift games by a huge spirit-sucking beast. No this wasn’t a match with Carl Crook, I was on the receiving end of, in my opinion, one of the most under-costed ground pounders ever, Spiritmonger. And like all fat girls, he was more hound for your pound than the rest of the field. For the original investment of 3BG you’ve got a huge hairy 6/6 ass that changes colour, regenerates and gets bigger for every chump that gets in its way.
Monsters like Mr. Monger are one of the main reasons we all started playing Magic. Being rare, he was great to bust out a pack, his stats are enough to dilate most pupils and he’s seen plenty of airtime as a mainstay in competitive decks. Finally (and this is important) Spiritmonger was not an R&D mistake. I bet you that 7 out of the top 10 efficient creatures of all time were just made too powerful in the first place.
Mongrel/Tog/Ravager/Lin Sivvi defined formats so much that you were either playing with them or you were losing to them. With the Monger there was no embarrassment, your beefcake had to munch on and on until it broke down every line of defense while your opponent sat with useless destroy effects and Terrors in hand. So put all the rest of the mistakes up in the top ten, just make sure when we get into the real list Spiritmonger will take them all on and live to tell the tale… if a little fatter for the wear.
Dave ‘PT London’ Grant
Well, unfortunately this has given me far too much stuff to write about, so you’ll have to wait for the last part where we find out what the best creature ever to grace the world of Magic is, and we also get to find out what great players like Anton Jonsson and Kai Budde really like when it comes to summoning a creature.
Peace,
Quentin Martin
* Girlfriend’s parents
** This may well have been due to certain other activities…***
*** Activities the Nutlow should not have been participating in…
**** Ranked 20th in the world for Limited, Carl Crook***** once cast this against me on turn 1…
***** No pun intended.