Creatures (27)
- 4 Llanowar Elves
- 4 Master of the Wild Hunt
- 4 Arbor Elf
- 4 Leatherback Baloth
- 3 Khalni Hydra
- 4 Mul Daya Channelers
- 4 Pelakka Wurm
Lands (25)
- 25 Forest
Spells (8)
Sideboard
All games recounted in this article are in the two player tournament room, not the practice room.
Why is the “Concede” button right next to the “Submit” button on MTGO?
I go looking for ways to speed up my deck against control. Might of Oaks looks good, but I often find I need every ounce of mana. Let’s see, what would go well in a mono Green deck?
There are days I just feel like screaming.
So I pick up some Primal Bellows.
My first opponent in the tournament is playing Green and plays Khalni Garden, then Nest Invader and I’m thinking — “Ah, the glory of rogue decks. I have no idea what’s going to happen next.”
He plays out a Garruk, I play out a Khalni Hydra.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Eldrazi Temple, use Garruk, cast All is Dust.
Ah, I see where this is going. I wanted to make this deck the second I saw All is Dust.
Soon Kozilek the Butcher butchers a bunch of my stuff, and then me.
Sideboard time – transform into… a bucket of water! No wait, STOMPY!
(You have to be old to get that “bucket of water” reference, kids. Oddly, it has to do with Super Friends.)
Elf, Elf, Vines, 5/5 Channelers, Master of the Hunt “The game ended on turn 5 in defeat! KingFatty has won the game!”
Rubber match — Arbor Elf, Baloth, Baloth, Channelers, attack, Vines + Primal Roar = win on turn 4, swinging for 16. No, I’m not kidding. You know what else I discover, not by casting it but just by thinking deeply?
You know what’s a good combo? Any creature plus kicked Vines + Momentous Fall.
My next opponent in the tournaments is playing Super Friends. He gets set up with three Planeswalkers before I can kill him, and I concede when I see the cause is lost. I transform again and kill him on turn 4 with Forest, Elf, Forest (have I mentioned that lands that enter the battlefield tapped suck?), Baloth, Mul Daya Channelers (hot art) who show me my next draw is a Giant Growth and I’m holding two Primal Bellows and another Forest. When he taps out to play Sea Gate Oracle, I tell him GG. (Why did I say that? I’m not usually like that). The Channelers show me my next card will be an Arbor Elf, so they become 5/5. I swing with everything then add +11/+11 on top of that, putting him at -1 on turn 4.
Game 3 I have a pretty good draw but have to over-commit and lay down two Channelers because they are currently 2/2 and because of his Sea Gate Oracle. The Channelers eventually become 5/5 and I attack with everything and cast Primal Bellow and kicked Vines but, I am not a pro player. When the dust clears and the game doesn’t end, I’m all, like, double you tea ef? Oh crap! I’ve left him at one!
Gideon decides to join the party, and his friend Ajani Vengeant shows up (in costume no less!) the next turn, and I’m thinking — this is going to be bad…
I draw an Arbor Elf, concede and tell him “Good game. It took me too long to kill you.” He responds with “GG. Only one life.” Although now he is at four thanks to Ajani; but that’s only going to go up.
Pretty frikkin’ happy about my sideboard though.
Next is Blue Black Red, but I don’t see much of the deck. There’s Spreading Seas, and he Blightnings me, but on turn 5 I attack with two Baloths, two 5/5 Channelers (which I used their mana and two Forests to cast two Baloths with last turn) and two elves. He Terminates two creatures and concedes the next turn. I have no idea what he’s playing and side in nothing.
The second game I see Gatekeeper of Malakir, Into the Roil, Sedraxis Specter, Sphinx of Jwar Isle. Things look bad for me. I don’t want to give him any more information, and I concede and we head to game 3. I side in three Leaf Arrows. He gets a Specter on the board but I have an Arrow for it, and then I get two Master of the Wild Hunt out. You can tell he is afraid of the Vines and waits until I’ve tapped out to Blightning me, Terminate a Master, then Lightning Bolt the other. But by now I’ve got three wolf tokens and some 5/5 Channelers coming in, so he’s dead on turn 7.
Man, I love this deck!
Wendy is getting ready for her bachelorette party, and I am doing what I can to help prepare for the arrival of the insane platinum blond, my former HS girlfriend, director of her own French PR company, best friend to Wendy for twenty years, the amazing Collette- who will be staying with us for three days. While doing so, I gush to Wendy about how great this is. How I have discovered something new! How I have made something great. She is very excited for me, and actually asks me so many details I feel selfish. She understands enough about Magic to comprehend what I am saying and asks — “Should you keep this to yourself? I know you want to write a good column, but if you want to qualify, wouldn’t it be better to keep this secret?”
I explain more about Magic and its players.
“If I was Jon Finkel or Kai Budde, then yes, it would be much wiser to keep this a secret. Since I am Jamie Wakefield, no one will play this deck until I qualify with it. It does no harm to tell people what I am excited about.”
After doing everything we can to prep, Wendy takes off for her party. It is nine n the evening. I contemplate my deck.
Admittedly, I wish I was casting Pelakka Wurm and Khalni Hydra a bit more. I still don’t know all the cards in the format. I am wondering if there is anything out there that is similar to Leatherback Baloth and the Channelers who can be 5/5 on turn 3. So, I start looking at Green creatures and wondering if I can come up with something a little cheaper, that might be better. Garruk? Beastbreaker of Bala Ged? Ant Queen? But then I remember that I need those cards for their high casting cost and to be creatures. A Beastbreaker isn’t going to give me enough life against Red Deck Wins when I cast Living Destiny. I can’t sacrifice Garruk to Momentous Fall. Ant Queen has always sucked for me, but maybe she would actually fit in this deck? I just don’t know. Do you know how important trample is when you’re playing with Vines of Vastwood? Pretty damn important. The thing I really miss about my transformational sideboard of Giant Growths and Primal Bellows is trample. Rhox Charger, maybe? Stampeding Rhino? Terra Stomper (lolz?)… maybe.
I know what you’re all shouting at the screen right now. THORNLING! JEEZUS WAKEFIELD, THORNLING!
I decide to cut a Pelakka Wurm and a Hydra and add two more land in hopes of casting them more often.
I enter the arena again. My opponent is Jund with Vengevine.
I obliterate him the first game, casting massive fatties that gain me life and draw me cards. When he tries to kill my creatures, I stifle him and swing for a billion. It is hopeless for him. I cannot see how I will ever lose this matchup. He obliterates me the second game, and the third game he draws 4 Consuming Vapors.
Sigh.
/Whine mode on- Wow, is that card unfair. My equivalent spell is +2 +2 with rebound compared to “kill two of your creatures of any size or power? Uhhhh… sure.
/Whine mode off — Does Black have Leatherback Baloth? No. No they don’t.
I then lose five more games in a row in spectacular fashion (I blame the liquid cereal), and I reflect in my chair for a few minutes and think “Why do I smoke so much crack? Hasn’t that good Christian girl Whitney Houston taught me anything? Did I really think mono Green would work?”
Okay, perhaps my judgment was a tiny bit impaired, but maybe the fact I spent four hours smashing face and being super excited and then the next five matches drawing way too much land, no fast fat and no elves on the opening grip had something to do with it too. Channelers and Baloths are much less impressive on turn 3 than turn 2.
One of my least favorite plays was tapping my Master of the Wild Hunt to kill a creature, nothing happening thanks to lag, so I tapped it again and it did two damage to itself!
“Nice play!” my opponent comments.
I would not say such things if I were you.
(Apparently, it’s old quote week.)
I also lost two games to a guy playing Basilisk Collar, and I’m sorry, but I’d rather lose a match than devote sideboard slots to a tier 2 deck.
I think I should buy some Thornlings, but I’m not made of money. They’re not cheap, and I don’t like the look of them. I spent thirty bucks on Eldrazi Monuments, and those just… don’t…work in this deck. You know who is made of money? Tiger Woods. Why would a guy made of money who can’t get enough nookie, even with it being thrown at him every weekend, get married? Where is the logic there? See, I got married because I’m into monogamy. If you’re not into monogamy, that’s fine, but what is your plan? Is your plan “I have too much money. I should give half of it to someone when I get outed in the media.” That just confuses me. I have no problem with whatever kinky stuff he may be into; I just don’t understand the “I should get married” logic.
You know who else has a lot of money? Hit Girl. Three million dollars in a suitcase. Did I miss it, or did they never explain where that money came from? Hint — It doesn’t come from robbing criminals, as shown in the movie version of Kick Ass.
The movie was pretty good. It is too gory to show Wendy, but pretty good. You know what it wasn’t? It wasn’t the comic book, which was about a 1000% better. If you haven’t read the collected graphic novel, you’re missing out. It’s quite different, better lines, better plot, better characterization. They dumbed things down and wrapped up some things in a nice pretty bow for the movie, which, as a writer, I think is a shame. Trust me. Buy the comic. It is more visceral, more real, more clever, funnier, more realistic. While Hit Girl is amazing in it, she is not Spiderman plus Batman plus guns. She is a little girl dressed in Kevlar.
Kick-ass the comic is very well written. Plot twists. Surprises. It is a good story. A novel. It has depth. The movie is a Hollywood adaption. A poor Hollywood adaption. Need I say more?
My quest to qualify continues. But now, it is 1:30 a.m., I am making too many mistakes and I need sleep.
At five a.m. the phone rings and I think “Wendy, phone, we need to get the phone.” Then I realize she is not beside me, but probably calling me.
“Hello?”
“We’re in the stairway, help us up.”
Excellent… two, hot, drunk women needing help up our twenty-three flights of steps with no elevator. (Actually, it is only five flights, but people are amazed how long it takes to actually get to our apartment. Pizza delivery men get to the top of the steps out of breath with a look that suggests “Big tip or else the pizza goes flying). Candy explained it to me yesterday “The ceilings on each floor are nine feet high, so your five flights is a lot longer than our five flights.”
Mental images flicker between carrying them both up on my shoulders and throwing them on the bed, unconscious or to a drunken grateful threesome. I really need to watch better movies…
Luckily, all they need help with is Collette’s luggage, which I carry up the steps for them. Wendy is wearing a bridal veil with a large foam penis on the front of it. “Look at this! Did you see my veil?”
“Please stop waving that in front of my face, you’re freaking me out.”
A brief recap is told of the night, then we all pass out.
I am at the Pro Tour again. Registering. It feels great. The lady behind the desk asks my name, checks my fingernails (???) and then hands me my packet of Pro Tour stuff, like, T-shirt and badge and events in case I flunk out of Day 1.
Voices are heard in the distance. Female voices. I wake up and look at the clock. It is not quite ten.
“WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING UP?”
“We’re having sex!”
“And you didn’t invite me!?”
“I’m kidding! I woke up and heard banging and wanted to make sure Collette was okay and didn’t need anything. I’m going back to bed now since I’ve had four hours of sleep.”
Wendy comes back to bed and waves the veil at me again “Did you see what they got me?”
“Look, I’m not gonna tell you again, keep that thing away from me.”
The constant noise of the city keeps me from falling back asleep. It is no problem for my bride to be, and she is soon in a coma-like state.
I lie in bed, listening to children scream, sirens blaring, dogs barking and think – I could be playing Magic and writing…
Damn you, Magic, for consuming me whole!
Coffee happens, but it is not good. Our coffee maker is very loud, and I don’t want to wake anyone up. I make instant, and it is crap, but I need caffeine.
My first opponent of the day kills me really quickly with hasted, lifelinked Cliffrunner Behemoths. I sideboard nothing. In the second game, I get to a million life from Pelakka Wurms, deny him killing my stuff, and draw eight cards and get eight more life when he tries to Oblivion Ring my Hydra. When I start my turn, I have ten cards in hand, cast a bunch of stuff, then play another Hydra for free. He concedes. Game 3 never happens because Wendy is calling me from the bedroom and I concede the match.
Possibility of nookie > Magic.
Somehow she has forgotten that she has already told me about last night and recaps the evening, and we lie in bed and talk for an hour while I sip swill pretending to be coffee. Checking on Collette finds her passed out like a vampire in daylight. We move stuff around on the terrace, make real coffee, put down the awning, move the couch, check on Collette — nothing. No movement, same position, totally out. I long to be able to sleep like that. My sleep, every day, is like a puppy chasing rabbits. I twitch and kick and moan and never actually hit REM sleep. It is a bad thing.
The deck starts to go through a losing streak. Brendan Reginbald suggests that I add in River Boa and remove the Khalni Hydras. Some Spider Umbras and Pithing Needles in the side as well. All good advice. Wait, I just bought four Pithing Needles; why haven’t I added them yet?
Sarkhan the Mad is some good in Jund. Lots of things for him to turn into dragons. Wow, is that deck a beating. No matter how many things I protect, he just keeps killing everything I put on the board.
I look over my deck after the match and think: what are the things I cannot lose ?
1. Vines of Vastwood
2. Pelakka Wurm
3. Any of my elves
4. Master of the Wild Hunt
5. Mul Daya Channelers
6. Leatherback Baloth
7. Monstrous Fall has been a-dot-mazing so far
I am going to have to agree with Brendan that the Hydra has to go. But what to replace him with? I know it should be River Boa, but I just don’t want that. Looking over the creatures in my collection again I come across Elvish Archdruid. Wait? Don’t I love him? Are Channelers elves? OMG, they are! Well, let’s add them, and some Pithing Needles to the sideboard, and see what happens.
When you cast Pithing Needle naming Sarkhan the Mad and then another naming Raging Ravine, they Maelstrom Pulse both of them, that’s what. Then Dragons eat you. I try some Overgrown Battlements to stop Pulsing Thrinax. I play a G/W/R Allies deck that on turn 5 has turned all his guys into hasted, Protection from Green with Lifelink fatties. I am finding I miss my Khalni Hydras. I buy some Thornlings and, so far, have been immensely unimpressed with them. I look at Vengevines longingly and think “For only 88 tickets I could have four of those…”
And then I’d be broke and still losing.
I skip paying two tickets for games and go back to the practice room. I can’t buy a win there either. Most everyone on the forums tells me I suck and can’t adapt. I am starting to think they are right.
Then I remember I qualified with Mono Green when High Tide and Jar killed you on turn 1 or turn 2.
I will make this work.
Until next time…