My warmest welcome, oh huddled masses! I trust your weekends were suitably debauched.
Before I delve once more into my fabled Sack of Joy, a word on the Jetta situation. I know a lot of you have been aghast this past weekend, adrift in a sea of horror concerning the separation of my Swiss ladyfriend and myself. Well, cease your candle-lit vigils and cast aside the razor-blades!
Jetta and I are reconciled!
I’ve rambled enough for now, as I hear the clarion call of Magic maladies. I shall endeavor to supply more information as my situation dictates.
As you know, the past week saw me tackle a number of issues. Perhaps the most important of those was my two-part analysis of possible contenders for the Extended season. In my opinion, it was flawless. However, some folk were not so convinced.
Pray heed these whining scumbags…
Dear Doctor Mox.
I read your recent Guide To Extended with thinly veiled contempt. Yes, you mentioned a few playable decks… but you overlooked WHITE WEENIE!!!!
This season, there is no other choice!!! The weenies will prevail!!! ALL SHALL SEE THEM AND DESPAIR!!!!!
Dear Doctor Mox (if that’s your real name),
I read your articles on Extended. What about Aluren? It won a GP, didn’t it?
I seriously doubt you passed your medical exams if you made oversights of THAT magnitude.
Alexander (LOCATION UNKNOWN)
Now then, I may not know how to play Magic, but I can build decks. I usually take one off the net and make it better by adding a few cards, fiddling with the manabase and putting something weird in the sideboard.
In Extended, I play the Rock, because it’s the best deck in the world.
You didn’t mention the Rock in your overview. Do you think it’s out of contention? If you don’t think the Rock is competitive, then suggest something else for me to play. Preferably a deck that contains Call of the Herd and Pyre Zombies.
Write about the Rock, or I’ll continue moaning for quite some time. And believe me, I’m GOOD at moaning. I’ve won medals for it.
PS: I once played Randy Bueller.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, please… enough of your insipid mewling! I ask you, sometimes I feel more like a kindergarten teacher than a trained physician.
But never let it be said that I refuse to bow to public opinion. The last time I took no heed of the complaining masses saw Jetta and I driven from our Prague cliff-top home by a crowd of incensed yokels brandishing torches and pitchforks. One young farmer had the audacity to impale Jetta with his three-pronged implement. Luckily for us both, it caused no injury: it simply stuck fast in her prosthetic leg. She detached it and we hopped to safety.
So, to keep the angry mob from my door, I give you Doctor Mox Guide to Extended, Part Three.
White Weenie is, surprisingly, a White deck that utilizes “weenie” creatures. It usually includes an Enlightened Tutor mini-toolbox, and may splash Blue for Meddling Mage and bounce/countermagic.
1: Is White Weenie fun to play?
It can be, I suppose. The thing is, it loses to so much these days. Any board clearers, such as Pernicious Deed, royally screw it in the tin. And the mana can be surprisingly shonky, leading to null games where you can’t find an Island, or inexplicably lack a second Plains. Games that result in your death from random failures are not fun at all.
And the looks you’ll get when playing this! You’ll certainly be the center of attention when playing White Weenie. In the same way that a woman with a beard draws the eye, people will stop and stare with a measure of respect, a stifled laugh and a barrelful of pity.
2: Is White Weenie competitive?
Yes, it’s very competitive. If you’re living in 1998. Therefore, put the White cards down unless you’re Marty McFly.
Seriously though, White Weenie can spring a surprise of the unsuspecting. It’s pretty quick, and has answers to a number of problems. But when push comes to shove, the deck is just a bit too, well… rubbish. You’re making a 2/2 on turn 2, while your opponent swings with Akroma, or makes a 4/4 flying trampler, or dumps their entire artifact-heavy hand, or even just downright wins the game. A Silver Knight just doesn’t quite make the grade in such unsettling times.
3: What type of player would White Weenie suit best?
White Weenie is perfect for anyone who stopped playing Magic when Invasion Block hit the shelves. As a deck from the past, then the deck should shine in the hands of Old-Timey Radio Singers, Classical Composers, Harold Lloyd and anyone else who’s black and white.
White Weenie players always have beards, wear suspenders and enjoy whittling. And they can remember when Magic was good.
4: Is White Weenie difficult to play correctly?
Not at all. All you need do is make two Plains then churn out White monster after White monster. Remembering to attack is the only pitfall, of course, and the attack step is often overlooked by tear-blinded White mages weeping at their own inadequacy.
“Make a monkey, swing. Are you dead yet?”
– The White Weenie Mantra, whispered at the lower tables of every tournament since time began.
Aluren is a strict combo deck, and as such can go rot in a ditch for all I care. It abuses the interaction between Aluren, Cavern Harpy and other comes-into-play effect creatures such as Auriok Champion and Maggot Carrier. When I watch Aluren being played, my ears start bleeding.
1: Is Aluren fun to play?
I suppose it must be. Having a single turn that can go on literally to infinity and beyond must conjure up all manner of smug satisfaction. And Mr. Oiso travelled halfway across the World in order to play the deck in Boston, so either it’s a fantastically fun deck to pilot, or Mr. Oiso is a rampant idiot. As he ended up winning the thing, my money is on the former.
2: Is Aluren competitive?
It was the winning deck at GP: Boston, therefore it cuts the competitive mustard with some panache. However, it is easily shut down by a number of disruptive strategies, therefore its competitiveness is rather like that of Extended Affinity: if people expect it, it won’t fare so well.
Well, that’s the hope at any rate.
3: What type of player would Aluren suit best?
Aluren is perfect choice for Japanese men willing to travel.
Other than that, let’s see…
- Aluren is perfect for people who enjoy manipulating creatures with their hand.
- Aluren in perfect for people who enjoy bouncing with a Harpy.
- Aluren is perfect for people who enjoy thrusting their Maggot back and forth repeatedly.
In short, Aluren is perfect for perverts.
4: Is Aluren difficult to play correctly?
As a combo deck, it can be a chore to assemble the pieces… but if handled correctly from that point, there is literally nothing that can be done to stop it.
One tactic I can recommend when facing down such chicanery: as the Aluren player attempts to “go off,” accompanied by that condescending and arrogant smirk redolent of all combo players, simply pull the lever beneath the table and release the crateful of rabid gibbons that hangs above your opponents head.
Sure, it takes a little preparation, but the look on their face is priceless.
The Rock, originally named “The Rock and his Millions,” is a Green/Black control deck packed with powerful effects. It attempts to gain card advantage little by little, and usually kills with some big monster or other. Or maybe a host of little monsters, or an animated land.
1: Is The Rock fun to play?
To be fair… yes it is. It always seems to have options, and no situation is too bleak that the game can’t be wrenched from the brink of defeat. It plays with some of the best spells ever printed, and houses some of the funkiest critters since Zoltag’s Jupiter Zoo.
The thing is… playing it can be a boot to the head. There’s so much to consider and plan, so many ways in which to make a mistake… you really must question your sanity before you decide it’s the deck for you.
2: Is The Rock competitive?
History tells us that The Rock goes 50/50 with everything. It has no overwhelmingly bad matchup, but has no auto-win scenario either.
Of course, that’s The Rock of days past, in radically different metagames. Today’s Rock, while possessing similar tools, isn’t quite up to the job. The matchups nowadays are more like 40/60, and we all know that statistics such as these are very meaningful and important.
Fancy playing a mentally taxing deck for countless rounds, and being the underdog in each and every match you play?
Of course you do. You’re Jeroen Remie. Fill your boots, tiger… I hope it works out.
3: What type of player would The Rock suit best?
As a slow-rolling deck, The Rock is best piloted by those with infinite patience. Thus, thirty-five year-old virgins are prime candidates for contention. Happily, this demographic makes up a fair chunk of the Magic-playing populace, so it’s all good.
The Rock is also a dominating deck, giving its pilot the opportunity to gain total control and overpower the fragile egos of others. Therefore it helps if the Rock player has a sadistic streak. Anyone who wears leather, owns boots that rise above their knees or keeps a gimp locked in their basement should consider this option.
My Swiss ladyfriend Jetta is perfect for The Rock. And she has her own basement-bound playtest partner.
4: Is The Rock difficult to play correctly?
It sure is. While it can be forgiving at times, the sheer number of options open at any stage of the game can be quite intimidating.
Frankly, the only people who’ll play the Rock this season are those that played it last season, and the season before that. So anything I say regarding its difficulty is a simple waste of time. You’re either already a Rock player, or you’re never going to bother.
So instead, I’ll write a limerick:
I once sent a lady named Jetta
A steamy, lascivious letter.
“My sweetheart,” it said,
“I yearn for your bed!
Now come here and take off your sweater.”
I think I need a little lie down after that. I feel most peculiar.
So there we are! Another three Extended offerings tossed into the metagame cauldron. But please, children… enough is enough.
I’m sure I’ll be swamped with emails suggesting I cover Pirates or Psychatog or Sutured Ghoul Life or their own pet Necra Sanctuary decks.
To those fickle folk I say pshaw! And pshaw again!
I am spent, and now I depart. Jetta is waiting outside on her scooter, and we’ve planned an afternoon of skeet-shooting. I am a skeet-shooting novice, and I hope my performance does not cause undue distress to the skeets.
Until next time, keep burning their domes!
NB: If you have a question for Doctor Mox, he can be contacted at [email protected].
Allow 4 to 6 years for delivery.