Mixed kNuts: The Scatological Tourney Report and Other Such Poo

I will tell a tell of woe and regret (and a little bit of fun, too) that will make you embarrassed to be reading this article – which is probably how you feel every other week as well, but I can’t even control my own feelings of inadequacy, so get some Effexor or Viagra for yours, and move on.

I am poo. Shizzy. Pure fecal material. I am the skid marks on the drawers of unwiping Magic players worldwide. I will tell a tell of woe and regret (and a little bit of fun, too) that will make you embarrassed to be reading this article (which is probably how you feel every other week as well, but I can’t even control my own feelings of inadequacy, so get some Effexor or Viagra for yours, and move on.) I’m not just complaining today though, I’ll also provide a tournament report detailing my fecal nature for all to see – just so that everyone else out there can realize that they aren’t as brown, runny, or as corn-riddled as me. Before I get to the sturm and drang (und Donner und Blizten, ja?), there are some other topics that need to be addressed.

Last week I was going to work on something I do reasonably well, mainly doing some analysis of the U.S. and Canadian Nationals, and the Euro Championships to see what the metagame looked like. But, since the Standard portion of those events is now irrelevant, I was going to switch things up and look at the drafting metagame for those tourneys and figure out what color combos were winning and what colors were overdrafted. I might have even asked the question "Is the Black gamble paying off?" or tried to figure out which bombs really matter. Instead of relying of what Pro X and Pro Y have been telling me (since Pros are notorious for spreading sketchy information), I was going to go directly to the numbers and see what they had to say.

It sounds like a good idea for an article, right? So why didn’t I end up doing that? The long and short of the story is that I knocked on the Numbers’ door – and they didn’t come out. If you look at the coverage of all three of those events (for those riding the short bus, that would again be US Nats, Canadian Nats, and Euros) on The Sideboard, you will see it is completely lacking in one thing: No, not over-the-top match coverage; that is there in spades. No, not horrible pictures of un-photogenic gamers; there’s way more of that than you can swallow. (Aside: Somebody at Wizards needs to start throwing in bonus coverage of hot chicks at the events or maybe some actual photos of the city where the event takes place. These damned tournaments take place all over the world – do a little more to expand my cultural horizons or at least give me something to drool over while reading up on who mised well this past weekend.)

What is missing from the coverage is the decklists from the Limited portion. Coverage of Euros has decklists for the undefeated players in the limited portion (all zree of zem), but coverage of the U.S. and Canadian Nationals features no draft decklists at all. Canadian Nats coverage tells me which color combinations were drafted the most – but then it doesn’t tell me how those color combos performed. Coverage at U.S. Nats was the weakest of the three with regard to Limited, as it didn’t feature any decklists or color breakdowns.

So the information is not posted – but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, it’s probably just constipated (it’s there, it just doesn’t want to come out). Through my writing, I’ve made connection or two with a "guy who knows a guy", and I figured I could probably get the info through the back door. I e-mailed one such guy, let’s call him "Enron Foreskin" to find out what the deal was on the missing info.

Mr. Foreskin was hella-cool in promptly mailing me back to tell me that the information I was looking for did not exist.

Great service, but not the answer I was hoping for.

Apparently all Limited decklists are destroyed after every event as part of the cleanup process. So all that lovely information that would normally be analyzed to help you, the loyal reader, glean a few extra insights into the world of Od-Tor-Jud draft gets shredded, just as if it was in Arthur Andersen’s filing cabinets.

However, Enron gave me an out to share with you folks. If you want to see limited decklists posted for Event Coverage on The Sideboard, you are directed to write a note to Thomas Pannell, the editor of the Sideboard explaining our case. ([email protected]) If they gather the info, we internet writers will write about it.

kNick kNames – Finis

Okay, so this contest started back when I was about ten years old and has finally finished. The results were overwhelmingly in favor of the fact that this was a stoopid idea (as noted by your utter indifference to any of the nicknames previously posted) – but I promised prizes, and prizes I shall deliver.

The Booby prize goes to "H D" who suggested Swollen Ostrich should become my nick of choice. I’m not really sure what the name means, but there can be no possible explanation that makes it not suck. H D’s suggestion just barely beat out Ted "Osama bin" Knutson, and the drag queen suggestion of "Vivian.” Why anyone would ever think I’d want a drag queen nickname is beyond me, as I’m sure that my "T" is still safely locked away from that world.

Second prize goes to Patrick Nguyen for the efficient suggestion of "TK.”

First prize is awarded to Patrick Murphy for his suggestion of "The Holy Kanoot.” Granted, it’s quite a humble name compared to "The MTG Christ” – but it’ll do, pig, it’ll do.

The winners may contact me at [email protected] in order to get the details on how to redeem their prizes.

I’m ScatMan

Moving right along, this past weekend I played in a Team Sealed event at Star City Games in Roanoke with my compadres Jimbo Ferraiolo and Andy "I love the BeeGees, so they call me Gibb" Hall. Our team name was "Two Green Beans and a Mixed kNut," which we were quite amused by, even though there were no chemicals in our system at any point during the period covered by this report. There were a total of 11 teams (33 people), which made this the easiest PTQ I had ever been to, and represented the best chance ever for any of us to qualify for the Tour.

Tragically, I’m such a dungbeaver that I and my team managed to finish in the bottom half of the standings.

The decks that we opened had amazing Green and Blue cards, but were mediocre in the other three colors. The decks that we got back featured a very deep white creature base, lots of little Green stuff, and solid removal in Black and Red. Unfortunately, they also featured huge gaping holes, like not having any tricks in White (that’s right, no Chastise, Second Thoughts, Shelter, Guided Strike, Hypochondria, Embolden, nothing) nor did they feature any green fat, nor blue card drawing, nor did they have enough decent creatures in Red or Black. It also didn’t help that I screwed the pooch when building the decks.

In testing, GU, and UW were clearly the two strongest decks, and then you would typically build RBx to fill in deck 3 with good removal and fast creatures. Unfortunately, I didn’t analyze our gaps in the card pool quickly enough, and pushed that we play the three decks as mentioned above. If I were smarter, I would have built RG, UW, and BW, with one of the decks taking a splash for Anurid Brushhopper, and another splashing black or blue for our 2 (!) Psychatogs. Regardless, here’s the bombtastic deck I ended up with and piloted to a 1-3-1 record while my team went 2-3.


Skywing Aven

Mirror Wall


2 x Aven Windreader

Aboshan, Cephalid Win Condition

Wayward Angel

2 x Aven Flock

Aven Cloudchaser

Major Teroh

Mystic Zealot

Hallowed Healer

Patrol Hound

Mystic Familiar

2 x Suntail Hawk



Circular Logic

Web of Inertia



Kirtar’s Desire


9 Plains

8 Islands

Notable Sideboard cards:

2 x Sphere of Duty

Sphere of Grace

2 x Stern Judge

Pilgrim of Justice

Dogged Hunter

I had six spells and seventeen creatures (fifteen of which could fly) in a UW deck… And no useful combat tricks. I sense a problem here. Okay, I had obvious prevention in Hallowed Healer, and I had Aboshan and Wayward Angel and Spelljack, but it’s hard to win when all your bombs are 6cc, and your deck slants highly toward the 5cc slot.

So anyway, I didn’t play badly, but I screwed up the deckbuilding process enough for my team to get pummelled. Instead of boring you with a traditional tournament report, I’ll go Pikula on it and let you figure out the true bits.

Before I start though, a special congratulations goes out to Jordan Berkowitz, whose team did a rare thing in Magic on Saturday: they inspired unanimity amongst their opponents. I talked to every team that played that kid, and each and every one had a hate on for them by the end of the day. If that was their goal, they should consider themselves a rousing success.

Here goes…

I may or may not have lost to an Overrun while at thrteen life with four of my own creatures on the board.

My first round opponent (Chad Trimble) may or may not have used Defy Gravity on a Phantom Tiger in order to avoid having it tapped by Aboshan’s UUU ability.

The team that we punished in the first round 3-0 may or may not have gone 4-0 for the rest of the day and made the top 4.

One of my teammates may or may not have seen the sign "Bean Street" just before we turned into Star City, and may or may not have uttered the words "I wish we were playing on that street – my skillz would be da bomb."

I may or may not have Spelljacked a Stonetongue Basilisk that did me no good whatsoever.

Sean McKeown may or may not have shown up in Roanoke on Saturday to declare that all present were crap, and then gone on to compile an 0-2-drop record himself.

I may or may not have won a game where I had nine flyers on the board, while fighting through two Chambers of Manipulation, and casting Circular Logic once and Spelljack twice.

Breakfast and lunch on Saturday may or may not have consisted entirely of Snickers and Tangy Fruit Gummi Savers.

My opponent may or may not have used his Aven Windreader on consecutive turns to see me pluck a Spelljack and a Circular Logic. He also may or may not have said "Perhaps it would have been better if I didn’t see those" directly afterwards.

Gibb may or may not have uttered the complete non-sequitur "I think Stokes likes men" on the way home.

Jimbo may or may not have suggested that he places kiwi fruit over his eyelids in addition to sleeping with a blindfold and earplugs so that he can maintain his youthful appearance.

I may or may not have lost to a RB deck after winning the first game and having two Stern Judges, a Pilgrim of Justice, a Sphere of Grace, and a Major Teroh in my deck for games 2 and 3.

The Ferrett may or may not have said,”Great. Now I’m picturing the Zvi Mowshowitz gay porn flick as he struggles to make his way into mainstream porn. Thanks for that mental note, pal.” Regardless of whether or not it happened, it’s my new e-mail signature quote.

Misetings may or may not have written two genuinely funny articles last week (and this may or may not be one of them). (http://www.misetings.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=516&mode=thread&order=0)

Mike Long may or may not have come in at the end of a five-hour Team Draft last week and slurringly declared that Resilient Wanderer is the best card in Limited right now while speaking at twice his normal volume.

Discussion on the ride home may or may not have consisted of topics including the best recipe for preparing herbal brownies, whether Biggie Smalls was the greatest rapper of all time, and if 26 year old men should feel guilty for looking at hot 16 year old gamer girls, or if they should just feel old. (Can’t fight two million years of evolution – The Ferrett, porn director)

So that’s it for this week. Sorry if I lost my fecus on the topic at hand, but I am poo, so who can blame me. If my Limited skills continue to take a dive, I might have to trade out The Holy Kanoot nickname for something more like "Greg Poogainis."

Tune in next week when I write about something less scat and a little more bee bop.

The Holy Kanoot

[email protected]

Oh look, I just lost another first round of a MODO draft. Lucky me.

If you’re going to call yourself s**t, you may as well be creative about it.