Remember that tournament report you read?
Oh wait, that’s right, it doesn’t exist. The kids today don’t write tournament reports.
A lost art? I would prefer to think that maybe these things go in cycles. In this day and age of Magic Online decklists updating every few hours, without real names, and without a hint of soul, it seems more and more that Mages push towards Magic content being spoon-fed without any spices, herbs, or seasonings, let alone love. It’s as if 80% of the population wants McDonald’s every day. This is tournament report is for the other 20%.
This isn’t another “Idealize the Dojo” memory love-fest. The format of The Dojo pales in comparison to the online media available today. Still, one thing that is very much missed is being able to log in after an event and read Hacker, Pikula, Wise, Shuler, Flores, Buehler, Vienneau, Wakefield, Sullivan, edt, Johns, Place, Rank, Wescoe, Kibler, and so many more. I am not just talking strategy content, which is obviously still desirable, and we are even blessed to have some of these great writers today. I am talking the wit, the scene, the commentary, the intrigue, the drama, the fun. I am talking about a real tournament report.
I wasn’t planning on writing a tournament report, but if I don’t, who will?
The event? Grand Prix: DC. Would I go on to be the Grand Prix Champion? Would I get to be the guy with Jace, the Mind Sculptors in one hand and a trophy in the other? Could this be it? Is it my destiny?
I don’t win.
I have been asked to try to keep the suspense low, so I just wanted to be clear from the get go, this report does not end with me winning. If you were at the edge of your seat, tension eating you alive, fret not. This is a tournament report from an event I attended, not an event I won. However, so as to keep some element of mystery still in the story, I will not disclose initially just how many times we ate at Chick-fil-A. There has to be some kind of a hook to keep you guessing till the end.
When I first arrived at Grand Prix: DC, I realized that this was a loose use of the term “Grand Prix: DC.” I had landed in Baltimore and would be taking a train to Virginia, where the event would be held. I guess Grand Prix: Chantilly is not as marketable, and I can’t blame them for that. Instead, I found an ATM, as I had decided to fly into town with one dollar in my pocket. As I write this, it occurs to me that so very many Mages today might not know what it feels like to be “sent to the ATM.” Everyone wants to be a winner, but it used to be a sort of unspoken rite of passage the first time a drafter was sent to the ATM after dropping a few matches in a row (most likely life-tilting, chasing, and in general probably just shipping DI to some random Americans from the Midwest or California).
I hit the ATM and board a train to Virginia where I would be kicking it with Good Man John Shuler. After all, it was only Wednesday, and I had flown in with just such a purpose in mind… and Mr. Shuler did not disappoint. Shuler is one of the best writers that 90% of mages have never heard of, and I highly recommend keeping an eye out for his old works, most of which were over 10 or 12 years ago. Talk about a guy that could write a tournament report…
So, the motorcycle in Shuler’s living room wasn’t exactly “operational,” and I couldn’t help but ask how long he had been working on it. Apparently, it was in a permanent state of being worked on, but this wasn’t his main motorcycle. Whereas the motorcycle that I had narrowly avoided being picked up on was his preferred form of transportation, this one was most likely eventually going to become a kitchen table.
I was introduced to his awesome girlfriend, and another friend of his that was just stopping in town briefly as part of a nearly 10,000-mile cross country trip involving biking from Cali to Florida up the coast, back down at an angle, then up to the NW corner of the US. Why? Sheer value. The Love.
Naturally, Shuler decides this is the perfect time to teach his friends “What does Johnny Lodden think?” For those not familiar with the game, professional poker player Antonio Esfandiari invented where Johnny Lodden (or anyone who is playing the part of Johnny Lodden) is asked a question with a numerical value. Two other participants then use a Chinese Auction to bid on an over-under line. For instance, Erik Seidel was asked what is the most Antonio or David Williams (the two players, and yes, that David Williams) has ever spent at the Pink Rhino (a famous gentlemen’s club). David might open the bidding at “Over $500.” Antonio might counter “Over $800.”
They would alternate, bidding higher and higher until one of them decided to take the under. So for instance, if the bidding continued until Antonio took the under of $3500, Williams would get the over (Some people give the line setter ties, others make it a push). If “Johnny Lodden’s” answer was $12,000, then Williams would win. It doesn’t matter what the correct answer is, all that matters is what Johnny Lodden’s answer is. People play for fun, for points, or for money; it’s all personal preference.
Game seem fun? Now imagine one of you or one of your friends as Johnny Lodden with the following questions:
1. How many birds does Johnny Lodden think there have ever been?
2. What does “Johnny Lodden” think “Name of Other Friend” thinks Johnny’s IQ is?
3. What is the most number of people Johnny Lodden thinks Other Friend has ever kissed in a day?
4. What year does Johnny Lodden think the Magna Carta was signed?
5. How much money would it take for Johnny Lodden to never wear any shoes, boots, or other clothing over his feet ever again?
As you can see, the game has an incredible amount of depth, considering its elegance. The range of questions you can imagine is bounded only by your imagination. Remember, this game is literally whatever you make it, so there is nothing that says you can’t all agree to change the rules to whatever you want, such as alternating who is Johnny Lodden, or playing for a prize. All I would suggest is to only let people be Johnny Lodden that agree to answer every question to the best of their ability and not make a joke of it, as that takes a lot of the fun out of it.
I awoke Thursday morning and Shuler gave me a ride over to the site, though to be fair the site would not actually be there for 24 hours, so it would be more accurate to say that he gave me a ride the Chick-fil-A we would come to know and love. He took off for work, and I had the first of many Chicken Sandwiches (no pickle) once they opened.
“What time is it?”
Calosso Fuentes answered the phone, bless his heart, but despite it being almost noon, he wasn’t really that awake yet. An hour and a half later, he called back and said GerryT, Gabe Walls, and him would be at the hotel to pick Kibler and I up in 60-90 minutes. Five hours later, they arrived after a grueling traffic jam session involving Calosso forcing his passengers to look at an accident he drove by at 3 miles per hour, then half an hour later forcing them to look at it again as he had gone the wrong way a few times.
This caravan of sin picked us up and escorted us to a relatively local game store where we got our draft on (gotta practice for the PT sometime…). We decided to rock an IRL 8-4, which people quickly began discussing changing to a 12-0 or better still, a 15-(-3), where the loser in the finals actually has to pay the winner. I had drafted a fairly standard U/W deck with good Blue cards and bad White ones. After picking up my final card from pack 3, I looked down and noticed that there was an unopened booster in front of me. As I counted my cards, I tried to recall my first pick from pack 3, to no avail.
Hrmm.
The resolution was pretty standard, just open it up and draft out of it now, mostly trying to not think about the integrity of the event being compromised. Things were more or less going as planned, as I had very fortunately opened one of the best Mythics in the set, and it was even my colors. I had even managed to draft a solid selection of cards to go with it, otherwise it would be a wasted opportunity, right? In fact, you might even say I was on track, crackin’ the luck sack mythic mack in the back of the pack, since lackin’ a stack is wack, Jack.
Kibler and I go to TGI Fridays with EileenB from the mIRC and Brandon Biondo, as well as their three small children, ages combined at 20. Kibler and I recount tales of our lives as international playboys. Eileen and Brandon show us a glimpse of life on the other side of the looking glass. The night ends happily, and Kibler invents Elspeth (A card I continually underestimate, then am always a huge fan of once someone sticks it in the deck when I am not looking).
Friday rolls around, and with it, Chick-fil-A for breakfast. We socialize, do some playtesting, then break for lunch at Chick-fil-A. As evening approached, we were kicking it at the site. Kibler and I were discussed Next Level Bant, when a shy young man approached us and was obviously trying to muster up the courage to talk to us. Kibler turned to him, giving him the positive energy he needed.
“What’s up?” Kibler asked the gentleman.
“Yeah, can he sign this?”
I sign his playmat, and he rolls out. Kibler and I have a good laugh, as good beats are good beats. It is a very common experience for groups of pros to be approached by autograph seekers, but the autograph seekers may only ask some of the people in the group. This invariably leads to comedy between those asked and those not. What made this moment so funny is that just about no one gets asked for signatures as much as Kibler, so seeing him “passed over” for once in his life was amusing. The victory was short-lived, as not an hour later, I was asked for a signature by someone that told me I was their third favorite player behind Kibler and Nassif. It is not strange that Kibler or Nassif would be people’s favorite player, but it is sometimes funny how many people tell me they love those two.
We went to dinner at Chick-fil-A and settled on final card choices for the maindeck.
Creatures (23)
- 2 Birds of Paradise
- 3 Ranger of Eos
- 4 Noble Hierarch
- 1 Kor Skyfisher
- 2 Scute Mob
- 3 Sea Gate Oracle
- 4 Vengevine
- 4 Wall of Omens
Planeswalkers (7)
Lands (24)
Spells (6)
Everyone’s sideboards were a little different, but I think we all played the same maindeck, though I would suggest a few changes in retrospect.
I had been using Rhox War Monks, but mentioned to Sperling that I was very much not loving them. I considered Borderland Ranger, but it was just not quite enough. He suggested Sea Gate Oracle. I remarked that it seemed cute, but was it strong enough. He pointed out that it would help you draw into a second creature so as to be able to trigger Vengevine. Not surprisingly, that very much interested me. I tried it and was blown away. Who would have thought? Then again, perhaps it should not be a shock; I mean, it is a sweet card in draft, and Court Hussar was a nice one in its day.
Kibler had suggested Elspeth, a card I chronically underrate in theory, but am always very impressed by in actual game play. I tried one the day before, and fell in love immediately. I couldn’t see how to get another in, especially since 12 is actually too many fours anyway, but I could totally see putting the fourth Jace in the sideboard and maindecking a second Elspeth. Jace is the best card against every Blue deck, but you start getting diminishing returns and with so many other incredible four-drops, there is less need for extra copies. Another possibility is cut a Ranger of Eos (and possibly with it a Scute Mob).
Actually, since the event, we have discussed it, and I think the general opinion is that you should cut the Kor Skyfisher. It is cute against control decks, but generally a little underperforming on account of our Vengevines never staying dead anyway (Sea Gates, Walls, Rangers, Jaces, etc). Instead, I think I’d recommend the fourth Sea Gate Oracle, though a 25th land is probably a good call (yes, Gerry, you were right, the deck wanted 25 land and no Skyfishers).
Knight of the Reliquary is another interesting option that I would like to try the next time I play Standard. The manabase is not that far off of supporting it. Besides, it is a great way to meaningfully impact the game for less than four mana, and it really does seem a lot of people just don’t kill it. Besides, it is great way to add power to the deck, as I have it as third best creature in the format, behind Bloodbraid Elf and Vengevine (maybe number 2?)
I manage to get to sleep at a reasonable hour, a habit I cannot recommend for the serious tournament player. The next morning Kibler, Nassif, Rietzl, and I check in, drop off decklists, then head over to Chick-fil-A while the byes start. Many questions are asked about the future of GPs. Are we really looking at 1930 player U.S. GPs these days?
On to the matches themselves…
My first round was a feature match against stock Jund. A large crowd is drawn, but the match was not the most exciting to watch. I am beaten game 1 by triple Siege-Gang action, though I probably made at least two blunders strategically. First, I O-Ringed his first Siege-Gang, setting myself up to get blown out by Maelstrom Pulse. Second, after the game was hopelessly bogged down, I should have started swinging with Celestial Colonnade earlier, forcing him to blow Goblin tokens on it, rather than just deal 20 to my face.
Game 2, I mulligan, then get the manascrew that I deserve after my misplays game 1.
Round 5 was kind of different, as I face a pretty heavy but reasonable Mono-White Control deck. His build featured Baneslayer Angel, World Queller, Day of Judgment, Martial Coup, Planar Cleansing, Seer’s Sundial, Path to Exile, Pilgrim’s Eye, Kor Cartographer, and sideboarded Student of Warfare. Good read on boarding out some Wall of Omens, bad read on how many cards I had worth sideboarding in instead (only boarded out one).
Our match was surprisingly close, as his Planar Cleansing followed by Martial Coup was very effective against me. However, in the end, his weakness to both Jace and Vengevine was just too costly (not to mention Mind Control on a Baneslayer Angel…)
I get my easy one Round 6, defeating U/W Control. My best matchup… I thought it a good idea to use up my “opponent is mana screwed” here. Most commentators would suggest that this was a poor use of resources; however, a blow-out is a blow-out. One of the keys to this match-up is evaluating what sort of countermagic they have and avoiding things like leading with Jace into Negate when you could play Ranger. Another key is to diversify the angles of attack. If you already have a good clock, focus your development on drawing cards, playing Planeswalkers, more manlands, and Vengevines.
My Round 7 against stock Jund, again, was rather uneventful. Once again, the same, a train of Siege-Gang after Siege-Gang came and banged me out the frame until I didn’t know my name. Lame.
Now, you might be saying that a description of a match that is almost entirely a cute rhyme instead of a step by step strategic advice is not the most instructive way to recount events. You would be right. Of course, this particularly tournament report is not a how-to on playing NLBant. I’ll let Kibler handle that, as it is unclear if I even know how.
I’ll tell you what, let’s just skip right to the end of the day. I lost to Naya, and it is a fine match-up, but Cunning Sparkmage and Knight of the Reliquary can be tough (the main reasons for Pithing Needle and Linvala, Keeper of Silence, or whatever her name is.
As I try to find out who is already out, Paul remarks that even the Counsellor himself, Matt Sperling, cannot escape the long arm of the law, and would probably be available. Sperling has recently been getting more attention on account of being a talented voice both in Vintage and more mainstream formats, such as Standard after winning a PTQ with Conscription Mythic. In my opinion, however, what he should be getting more attention for is being one of the most gifted tournament report writers in recent memory.
I saunter over to Sperling, who recounted the incident. He had been observing a match involving draft superstar Gabe Walls. He waited until the game ended, then pointed out to Gabe a strategic mistake he had been making. What he did not realize was that there was still one game to play, and that it had not been the deciding game, as he had thought. Awk. Sperling apologized, but it was too late. This was textbook “providing outside assistance,” and Sperling was awarded a match loss. This was made even more awkward by the fact that he had two losses, meaning elimination.
Sperling’s plan is for us to eat dinner, then proxy decks and test for San Juan. We headed over to Chick-fil-A, and apparently just in time, as they locked the doors while we were inside. They shut everything off and closed up shop, but we had wanted to bring something back to Paul who was burning up with a fever, while simultaneously dying of starvation (after his red-eye in the night before). We spoke with the kind Chick-fil-A employees who initially were hesitant to help us, mostly on account of being closed and the register being down, making throwing away the already made Chick-fil-A sandwich sitting alone just feet away. However, we reasoned together, and quickly the manager realized that is was a much better plan to instead give us the sandwich, as he’d just throw it away and this was already my fourth visit to Chick-fil-A today, making me a VERY loyal customer.
We drop off the sandwich for Paul, then head to the room to proxy decks. When I write out the 60th card, I look up, and Sperling’s eyes are closed, and he mutters “Sorry Chapin, tomorrow, tomorrow.” After a relatively lengthy phone chat with the woman of my dreams, I am thinking it is near time for slumber myself. I had received a text from EileenB and Brando letting me know they were in the hotel bar. I stopped over and said good-bye. Of course, just as they were leaving, Eileen made a throwaway comment about how awesome socialism was, sparking a two-hour discussion on politics, spirituality, the universe never making mistakes, and sharing/taking.
Sunday Morning Paul and I had breakfast at McDonald’s (Chick-fil-A being closed on Sundays) and discussed problems with Adolf Hitler and the National Socialist German Worker’s Party, as well as the difference between sharing and taking, as discussed the night prior. We followed this up with random games of Vintage and Block with Sperling, Ochoa, William Jensen, and Matt Linde. Good times. Would have like to fire a draft, but too many people had too much going on.
I did get a chance to sit down with the GGSLive squad and hang out; always a blast. This weekend’s hot controversy seemed to be a couple of very vocal random chat dwellers that believed they had seen Brian Kibler pick up Gerard Fabiano Wall of Omens (same sleeves) and take off with it. Conspiracy theories abounded, ranging from WotC covering up for Kibler’s lying, cheating, stealing, and killing, to Kibler running the long con, secretly setting Gerard up to take a fall later. As it turns out, people are dumb, Kibler didn’t take the wrong Wall (accidentally or on purpose), and Gerard was not missing a Wall. Nevertheless, the venom with which the champions of the theory argued it turned it into a meme.
Sunday evening rolled around, and I had to get to the Baltimore airport. I was told that I could expect an $80 or $100 cab ride, or a lengthy navigation of trains. Fortunately, Joe from YoMTG Taps! is a life-saver, and gave me a lift, which was on his way, in a fortunate twist of fate. We also got a chance to do a podcast while driving, which was definitely a lot of fun, and I recommend checking out his show.
I got off the plane…
… Detroit?
Yeah, it was Sunday night, and I just couldn’t fly to Puerto Rico until I had watched the Lost finale. My good friend Michelle and I watch every episode together, so it was only fitting that I fly back to Michigan to watch the last episode before flying to San Juan 14 hours later. I’ve just arrived in San Juan, and, as much as I’d like to tell you about ending up wandering around the airport at midnight last night after bumping into Saito, Shuhei, Yuuya, and Mitamura, that is for the San Juan story. See ya next week!
Props:
StarCityGames.com – You guys were excellent hosts!
Pam from RIW Hobbies – Thanks for the cards!
Kibler, 17th on breaks – I guess maybe that is an implied slops?
John Shuler – Thanks for being a great host and a awesome human being.
Immortal Technique – “You never know.”
Calosso – Thanks for the ride!
Brad – The Champ is here!
Amanda – Dinosaur-sized positive energy? And then some!
Michael Jacob – One of the best deck builders in the game today.
GerryT – I already said you were right about the changes to the deck!
Megan Holland – For continuing to be one of the most excellent GP-goers in the world. I still remember the first time I met Megan. It was Grand Prix: Philly back in spring of 2008. I had started out 9-0, but I succumbed to fatigue Day 2, and the wheels fell off while I was busy throwing up in the bathroom. Megan and my friend Liz were watching a match of mine that ended with me being eliminated from contention, seemingly against all odds. Spectator after spectator asked me “What happened?” and “Why did you lose?” I turned to walk away, a broken man. Liz walked up and introduced me to Megan, whose smile and positive energy made it impossible to turn down an invitation to eat at a near-by restaurant. Without a ounce of patronization, Megan managed to help me recapture the positive energy that I had been so sorely lacking that day, and for that I am very thankful, as am I for the years of friendship and opportunity that has sprung from that chance encounter. The Magic Scene would do well to appreciate the beacons of positive energy, such as Megan.
Slops:
Semisober Martel – Who flip-flops?
Who ever DQ’ed Lachman – Really? REALLY?
The National Socialist German Worker’s Party
Me – Not playing tighter in my feature match.
Construction workers in VA – Really? They’re building their building there?