My wife calls me a weirdo. I personally prefer to think of myself as a concept man.
Unfortunately, nobody sees things the way I do. I mean, *I* wanted a Burger King "Titanic" tie-in when the movie came out – I wanted the "Titanic"-sized drink bucket, brimming with 204 ounces of carbonated goodness. When you went to drink your Titanicized soda, however, you would discover that it consisted of mostly ice, 90% of which lay beneath the sodaline. A small weighted collectible "Jack" figurine would lie at the bottom of your beverage, assuming that you managed to inhale it all.
(However, having seen "The Perfect Storm" this weekend, I think it might not be too late to come up with "The Perfect Soda", where they simply fling sixty-four ounces of cola in your face and scream, "SHE’S GOIN’ DOWN!")
Likewise, I felt there was a need for a series of children’s books on the code of Omerta – the Mafia code of silence. After all, Omerta was a pretty serious code – you had to promise never to discuss family business with outsiders, never cooperate with the police, and to agree to be shot down in cold blood should you violate these rules. But is it fair to have to threaten a six-year old boy with death simply because, flushing with pride, he brings a severed horse’s head to his "Show And Tell" meetings to tell the class what his daddy does for a living? Boo!, I say. Boo.
And so I pitched a line of kid’s books for Mafia children, using popular kids’ characters. The publishers were enthusiastic about "The Gat In The Hat", intrigued by "Vinnie The Pooh", had nothing but good things to say about "Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Cell Block 88" – but alas, Jim Henson Enterprises nixed the surprise ending to "Miss Piggy Squeals", so we had to cancel the line.
That said, I have some fantastic ideas which I have been accumulating, and I believe the time has come to reveal some of The Ferrett Dream Cards And Assorted Magic Accessories:
THE BLAIR WITCH COLLECTIBLE CARD GAME!
Alas, this was topical when I first wrote it. But the Dojo wouldn’t print it. So now I get to inflict it on you!
"I lay down another Forest."
"I… lay down another forest."
"I’m starting to get tired, here…."
"Hang on a second – I just drew a Braidwood Sextant!"
"Cool! What do you do with it?"
"I sacrifice it and put a forest into play."
"I… lay down… another forest. Can’t we order out for pizza? I’m so hungry…."
"You’ll never win this game now! I threw your life counters in the toilet when no one was looking!"
"I’m so hungry I just ate a forest card…"
"Another forest… one more forest and I’m sure… we can win…. There’s got to be more than just all forests and one braided thingy…"
"IT’S THE SAME FOREST!!!!! IT’S THE – SAME – FOREST!!!!!!"
Wizards has recently taken to taking a single card mechanism and duplicating it across the color spectrum – things like Avatars, Winds, Lobotomy cards, Scent cards, and so on. Usually these cards generate a lot of excitement when they come out, but then it turns out that they kind of suck.
However, I decided to create my OWN set of color-related cards – what I call the "even more direct damage" or "Fist" cards. Basically, every player has, at one time or another, wanted to give a large Fight-Club-style beating to the player across the table. And much like Urza’s Sleeping enchantments, you can now beat the living crap out of your opponent, but only under certain circumstances… but since I made the trigger conditions fairly common, I’m sure these cards will see lots of tournament play, especially during the Pro Tours. If we’re lucky, Magic may attract the sort of audience that hockey currently does, and much for the same reasons.
But wait – there’s more! And as an extra-special, once-in-a-lifetime bonus, flavor text expert OMEED DARIANI has agreed to provide appropriate quotes for the Fist cards!
(Note: In creating the cards, note how cleverly I tried to stay with the themes of each color.)
Fist Of Exhaustion
Punch target player who has just gained more than 30 life in a single turn. (<I>Target body part is chosen upon resolution</I>.)
"A current under sea
Picked his bones in whispers. As he rose and fell
He passes the stages of his age and youth
Entering the whirlpool."
– The Waste Land, T.S. Eliot
Fist Of Banality
Look through target players’ library and name a winning deck from a recent tournament report: If more than 90% of the cards in target library can be matched up with cards in the named tourney deck, you may punch target player.
"Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree."
– Trees, Joyce Kilmer
Fist Of The Ancients
Punch target nose on target player who has just cast a spell that costs more than $30. (<I>If you miss, you may repunch</I>.)
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Ozymandias, Percy Bysshe Shelley
Fist Of Civility
Punch target trashtalker in target mouth until X teeth fall out. (<I>All teeth are removed from the game, though they may be used for tokens if you want some yoks</I>.)
"The function of the civil resistor is to provoke response."
Fist Of Spontaneous Settlement
Punch target player who is currently arguing that since the Fist Of Banality says "more than" 90% and his deck has exactly 90% of the tournament-copied cards, he should therefore be exempt from a swift pummeling.
"Haste me to know’t, that I, with wings as swift
As meditation or the thoughts of love,
May sweep to my revenge."
– Hamlet, I, V, William Shakespeare
OTHER FUN TOURNEY CARDS
Flood Of Solvent
Remove your library, graveyard, and all permanents in play from the game: Topple a 64-oz. "Big Gulp" soda across the table.
"The Chaos Orb was nothing compared to this."
Tap repeatedly to soak up fluid left over from Flood Of Solvent.
Whine Of Denial
You do not lose the game as a result of having less than 1 life, even if the judge specifically says so and the other player leaves and then the DCI lowers your rating, because what do THEY know anyway?
Protection from white, blue, red, green, black, lands, and artifacts.
When Speeding Passerby is put into play, sacrifice Speeding Passerby. When Speeding Passerby is put into a graveyard, remove it from the game.
"What the heck was THAT?"
SERIOUS CARDS THAT WIZARDS WOULD NEVER DARE TO PRINT:
Well, for one thing Wizards will never dare print ’em because I’m never going to win a tournament. But for another thing, I long for the older days of Legends and Arabian Nights where they just printed cards where you knew what they were SUPPOSED to do… and that was it.
Nowadays, of course, they have to make sure that every card works perfectly within the elaborate framework they have set out. (Rhystic Cave being a perfectly good example of a card where you KNEW what they intended, but couldn’t find a lawyer to properly write up the contact for them.) Therefore, my cards shall never even see the light of day. Which is a shame. I think they’d make things more fun.
Overcommital deals one damage to target player for each mana he has placed into his mana pool this turn. (<I>Count only the mana spent at the time this spell is cast </I>.)
The cost to play this spell is reduced by three if target player has put more than twelve mana into his pool at the time Overcommittal is cast.
Target player may not sacrifice any permanents until end of turn. If a spell or effect requires a sacrifice as part of its’ cost, that spell or effect is countered.
"The forest dislikes the sky. Always has."
When Modesty comes into play, all creatures’ power and toughness are set to the power and toughness printed in the lower right corner of the card, ignoring all other effects. (All Xs and *s are equal to zero.)
As long as Modesty is in play, no spell or effect may raise or lower any creatures’ power or toughness.
Choose one: Add one counter of the same type to a target enchantment, land or creature that already has at least one counter on it; or remove one counter from target enchantment, land or creature.
At the beginning of each player’s combat phase, that player must declare all of their creatures as attackers. At the end of each player’s turn, destroy any creatures they control that were not declared as attackers. (This includes creatures summoned that turn.) This effect is ignored the first turn that Heedless Aggression is put into play.
Swarm Of Weasels
Swarm Of Weasels cannot be the target of any spell that has previously been cast during this game. Swarm Of Weasels cannot be the target of any ability that has targeted any creature during this game.
"They’re not the greatest, but they learn from experience." – Ferrett, M’tenda Weaselherder
Counter target spell. You may cast Temporal Devastation without paying its’ mana cost; if you do so, you lose the game at the end of the turn.
"There was nothing that could stop me – nothing." – The Combojock
No player may lose the game as a result of having less than 1 life unless at least one other player is at five life or less.
Avatar Of Ferrett
Summon Legendary Whiner
Bouncing (It’s like flying, except he hops really high)
For every additional opponent beyond the first opponent, Avatar Of Ferrett’s casting cost is reduced by 3.
Avatar Of Ferrett may only be destroyed if two separate opponents target it with spells or effects, at least one of which must be able to destroy Avatar Of Ferrett.
"Boy, talk about a card that they’ll never print." – Ferrett
NEXT WEEK: Really! Hosing Type I! I Promise!