I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t written anything lately. My life has been rather hectic. I’ve been flying between Charlottesville and Seattle, spending a lot of time organizing a move, finding a new apartment and dealing with other miscellaneous stuff. This is all the fun stuff that happens when you move across the country. I’ve…

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I haven’t written anything lately. My life has been rather hectic. I’ve been flying between Charlottesville and Seattle, spending a lot of time organizing a move, finding a new apartment and dealing with other miscellaneous stuff. This is all the fun stuff that happens when you move across the country.

I’ve never done that before, so this is all new to me.

Sigh. Goodbye, Virginia. Home of Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, James Madison, the Declaration of Independence, the University of Virginia and all the rest of that historical nonsense.

Hello, Washington! Home of, um, well, I’ve got some homework to do.

Please allow me to catch up.

So, I got hired by Wizards of the Coast to help out with Sideboard Magazine. I’ll be the Content Manager (I’m convinced that editorial names are all made up… there are so many of them, and none of them do what you think they do; the editor-in-chief has a boss, for crying out loud… I should have gotten my job title as Disc Jockey). Of course, that means I have to leave my positions with StarCityCCG.com and Scrye. I tell you, it may seem like a great thing to be offered a job by Wizards, but the hardest part of accepting the position is knowing that I won’t be working on StarCityCCG.com, or judging its events anymore.

I want to thank everyone who has written to me about this. I *promise* I’m going to write you back, if I haven’t gotten to it yet. It’s coming…

Where Am I?

Contrary to popular belief, I’m not in Seattle dueling the Orgg. I’m still in Virginia, trying to get everything straight so that I can move to Seattle and duel the Orgg. So, so far, not that much has changed. Look for me panhandling in Seattle, starting this week.

What Will I Be Doing?

The new Sideboard job was created because of the recent expansion of high-level events. Since the DCI added another Pro Tour (Type II!) and a whole heap more Grand Prixs, it’s going to be a lot more work for the Sideboard. So, they needed another lackey. Enter: me. I can lackey with the best of ’em.

As all editorial job descriptions are a little murky, I’ll be doing a lot of things. The most important thing I’ll be doing is managing our content (yes… it makes sense that a Content Manager would do that). That means hiring writers, assigning articles, coordinating coverage and general writer/office communication. I’ll be at most major events, which is going to be a lot of fun, even if it is a lot of work.

Additionally, (how cool is this?) I’ll probably get to be on the Flavor Text team. If so, I’ll get to help decide what goes on flavor text. On the cards.

Like, maybe, literature! So, if a couple expansions from now, you see some Shakespeare…


We’ll see… they may change their minds when they hear me talk about it. I mean, I’d put Dr. Seuss on cards, for crying out loud.

So, What Now?

Well, this is probably going to be my last article for StarCityCCG.com. I may have time to write one more before I move, but I wouldn’t wager a farm on that. As such, I want to thank a few people before I leave.

You. I appreciate your reading of my articles. Thank you. Thanks to everyone who ever wrote me, nicely or not so nicely. Thanks to everyone who signed the petition for the Type II Pro Tour.

Pete Hoefling. Well, he owns the website. Thanks to him, we’ve had the funding and space to make StarCityCCG.com into what it is today. Aside from that, he’s a terrific boss and a generally great guy. He runs the nicest gaming store I’ve ever seen (not that I’m a gaming world traveler or anything, but I promise it’s in the top ten, worldwide). Ah… and I can remember when a place called Star City Comics was next to a tanning salon and all their singles were in plastic sleeves in a cardbox. They had no Armageddons or Wraths of God. Royal Assassin? Forget about it! Sigh. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

The Ferrett. For taking my job! Yeah… you may think it’s an honor now… but in six months you’ll be suffering from the demented melancholia of a Tennessee Williams’ heroine. Good luck!

My Writers. I love your writing! There is a lot of talent amongst you – don’t give up the chase. You guys are my heroes (and, in a one or two cases, heroines). That’s right, I no longer work for the company, so chalk yourselves up another fan.

And now, a few awards. Of course, there are no prizes for these (arbitrary) awards which, now that I think about it, makes them rather like the Grammys. I give you…

The First Annual StarCityCCG.com Award Show (affectionately known as the Commies)!

Most Egregious Oversight by a Pro Tour Champion

Oops! Hey, everyone drops the ball on occasion.

Winner: David Price – once sent me an decklist for Stompy that used cards that weren’t legal.

Most Obscene Signature Graphic You Never Saw

Winner: Bedford Crenshaw – yeah, I know that’s not a palm tree!

Best Article Title

Winner: Josh Bennett – William Shatner Buys Porno
Runner up: John Sorrentino – Colon Cancer

Most Audacious Walk-On

I mean, who ARE these guys? Where did they come from? Why are they Feature Writers and, in some cases, Editors-In-Chief?

Winner: The Ferrett – really. Who IS this guy?

Runner up: Josh Bennett – I don’t know who he is, what he looks like, where he is, if he’s still alive, or what… but he sends in an article every once in awhile. And it’s funny.

Best Non-Magic Job

Yeah… you know, thanks to my back-breaking salary, Pete could only afford to pay writers in cheese and crackers. Here’s to the guys who didn’t need the green!

Winner: Will Graham, M.D.
Runner up: Elliot Fertik, Attorney at Law (of course, additional runners up to those writers who make crazy cash, or who are independently wealthy, as I suspect Anthony Alongi to be).

Most Socially Conscious

For the writer whose tireless efforts to "clean up the streets" has made us all better people.

Winner (tie): Cathy Nicoloff and Michael Granaas – speaking of good jobs, Michael is a psychology professor!

Likes Fight Club Most

Word! If you haven’t seen it already, see it! Read it! Buy the soundtrack, too.

Winner: Erik Berg
Runner up: Me
(The other runner-up is ME. Buy the DVD. – The Ferrett)

Gratuitous Award for Me

Winner: Me! Woosh! I really deserved that Fight Club one. I saw it in three states. Besides, I’ve got to get my name up in lights somehow, in case any literary agents or publishers are reading! I know someone with a good manuscript, guys…

Best Name

Pseudonym or just plain nym.

Winner: Sky Winslow Roy – Wow. That just rolls off your tongue. Like a character in a novel.

Runner up: Jay Molderhauer-Salazar – doesn’t have the same aesthetics as Sky, but it’s good stuff. (Also, we once got a pretty good article from some guy named Mr. Snrub, who came from some place far away. I liked the way Snrub thought!)

Most Consistent Confusion of a Single Word

For consistently marring a single word in a way that is both annoying and almost correct.

Winner: Bennie Smith – Elvish Lyricist
Runner up: Me – Nightwing Glider. Could I suck anymore? I mean, this isn’t Batman, for crying out loud.

The First Annual "Oh My God, You’re My Worst Nightmare!" Omeed Dariani Anti-Editorial Award

For the author whose technical merits raised my blood pressure more than twenty points per paragraph.

Winner: Donnie Gallitz – no contest.
Runner up: Donnie Gallitz – if… you… only… knew… the damage Donnie has done to me. Once, I had a full head of hair. Now, I’m Patrick Stewart-esque. Hey, bald is beautiful, man.

Best Word Ever Used

It caught my fancy.

Winner: Josh Bennett – Neggator (think Vincent Price on the old Batman T.V. show).
Runner up: Donnie Gallitz – Mystical Tudor. Hmm… English royalty and Magic?

Best Nickname for Pete Hoefling

Winner: Hoeff-Dogg – Richie Proffitt may just be the greatest man who ever lived. He came up with it.
Runner up: Pete Halfling – score one for the DCI Reporter software!

Most Likely to be a Robot

Winner: Daniel Crane – this guy sends articles like clockwork. I think they get here at the same time (in robot time 00:00:01) on the first day of every week.
Runner up: Israel Marques – they’re friends. I suspect that one of them built the other.

The Oops… I Forgot It Again! Award

For the writer or writers who really do deserve an award, but did not receive one. It’s my fault. I’m just not good at awards ceremonies. Blame me.

Winner: You Know Who You Are – bless you.
Runner up: That Guy from That Movie – the check is in the mail, man.

Best Photo

For the author whose stunning portrait caused me to pause, for one reason or another.

Winner: Tony Boydell – he looks absolutely nothing like I’d imagine.
Runner-up: Dave Meddish – [Madonna] Strike a Pose… Vogue.

Dumbest Award

Winner: Most Likely to be a Robot – reeeeally reaching, Omeed. Get some more A material.
Runner up: Who cares? Like anyone is holding their breath for the runner-up in this category. Let’s put this dog to sleep.

So, congratulations to all the winners. If you didn’t win anything, and feel that you should have, please write your complaint on a small piece of paper, fold it lengthwise, then once over and put it in your pocket.

Now… don’t you feel better?

Maybe next year we can get little Hoeff-Dogg trophies. Wouldn’t THAT be something?

Sigh. Thank goodness that embarrassing display is over.

I hope you’ve enjoyed my writing.

Take care of yourself.

Omeed Dariani.
Content Manager, Sideboard Magazine.
[email protected]
[email protected]

Yargh. All my books are in transit. This one’s off the top of my head.

"One should always play fairly –
when one has the winning cards.
Oscar Wilde."

Should have been the flavor text on Foil.