Down And Dirty – Beastly Beats at Grand Prix: LA *46th*

This is the end.

It wasn’t an hour ago that I witnessed the most beautiful sunset I’ve ever spied. My airplane left the hellish city at a prompt 5:50, only an hour after the last round of swiss, with the sky lit up in a fascinating blend of orange, yellow, and the thickest shade of ambrosia, sprinkled lightly with dark shades of blue and purple nearing the stratosphere. A giant orange sphere being engulfed by the gold rippling Pacific.

And now, here I am at my end. A child screaming bloody murder behind me, as the plane shoots up and down in a wild turbulence ride, like those in motion pictures.

I’m sat in the second row from the back, and from my window I can see the supposedly sturdy metal wing bend and flop around like a sheet of paper in the face of a hurricane. Is this really how I’m going out? Obviously not, because I made it safely back to this blank Word document, but at the time I envisioned a turbulent spiraling death.

At that moment, I just closed my eyes as Arcade Fire pointed out that my body is a cage that keeps me from dancing with the one I love, but my mind holds the key. I’m standing on a stage of fear and self-doubt. It’s a hollow play, but they’ll clap anyway.

But that’s only the end… every good story has a beginning, and for this one it was quite a beastly one.

James Wise is a local buddy of mine whose been trying to return to Pro Tour greatness. He’s got a solid three PTs under his belt, but the last one was PT: Paris, where he tested alongside Mike Long. I’ve been hamming him about how he hasn’t had a pro point in the last decade, so we set out on the quest to attain some for this GP. He’d been working on a beastly brew since last Extended, fueled by the devastating Contested Cliffs lock when paired with a sizable monster. A deck truly poised to shine in our current metagame… here’s the list he sent me:

Beasts v1

4 Birds of Paradise
4 Sakura-Tribe Elder
4 Heartwood Storyteller
4 Thornscape Battlemage
4 Woolly Thoctar
4 Ravenous Baloth
3 Chameleon Colossus
3 Indrik Stomphowler

3 Engineered Explosives
3 Jund Charm
2 Umezawa’s Jitte

4 Windswept Heath
4 Wooded Foothills
1 Stomping Ground
1 Overgrown Tomb
1 Temple Garden
6 Forest
1 Mountain
1 Swamp
1 Plains
3 Contested Cliffs

A solid sixty-one, as Wise never plays less. I was pretty skeptical about playing it, but I was having miserable results with Zoo, Elves, and those awkwardly-designed Blue decks that always fumble in the late game since the most exciting thing you can do is Venser plus Riptide Laboratory.

The basic premise of the deck is pretty sound. The Extended format isn’t nearly as fast as people make it out to be, and this deck can really capitalize on the games that drag out, since so few people run ways to answer four mana 4/4s.

Heartwood Storyteller is an excellent choice for this metagame, with Storm, Blue decks, and burn decks running rampant, but more importantly it forces the opponent to play a fair game. I’m perfectly fine with them wasting a Putrefy, Lightning Helix, or Explosives to get rid of Storyteller, but if they don’t, this deck has the ability to punish them for slowing down by unleashing a horde of Beasts.

Thornscape Battlemage is the other eye-catcher in this list, and I really can’t say enough about the handy Elf Wizard. He makes it very hard for Zoo to successfully Sculler you while also having value to get rid of many of the troublesome role player creatures like Confidant, Ornithopter, or merely clearing the way by taking out a Tribe Elder. There are a ton of artifacts being played right now, and this is a guy that can three-for-one the opponent then pick up a piece of equipment for round 2.

This decks strength is its inevitability against the popular Blue decks. If they can’t put a Vendilion clock on you, there is no way they are going to be able to hang past turn 5 or 6. Their Spell Snares, Spellstutter Sprites, and Explosives are all essentially dead cards. They have to choose to lean on Vedalken Shackles, to which I have ten answers.

Equally strong are the aggro matchups like R/G, Zoo, and even the Elves decks. With Jund Charm and Explosives, they can usually buy enough time to get a Jitte or Contested Cliffs to lock the Elves players out of the game with good repetitive removal.

The give for this deck is the Death Cloud and Storm matchups. Both are hideous… however, the DC matchup is entirely decided on whether they have the Loam engine or are playing the Garruk based version without Raven’s Crime. If they have Loam it’s nearly impossible to win, whereas the other matchup isn’t nearly as scary and easily winnable.

That was James take on the deck, and after testing it for awhile, I made some improvements. Here’s my GP deck:

James’s creature base is superb; it’s the spell slots that I didn’t feel too comfortable with. So I Sancheezed them up with a bunch of versatile one-ofs.

Jund Charm really wasn’t cutting it for me. I wanted another piece of equipment to give all the random early creatures more utility late-game, so a Sword got sandwiched in. Persecute is one of the strongest cards you can play right now, as it has value in every matchup except Dredge. I wanted a fourth and possibly fifth “Wrath-like” effect, and didn’t want a fourth Explosives, so the singleton Crime / Punishment and Naya Charm also got squeezed in. Naya Charm in particular earned its keep on the weekend by being a completely unexpected trump card that left every opponent except DJ Kastner scratching their head.

The sideboard is a hodge-podge of anti-combo/control cards that have as much value in as many matchups I could think of. Circle of Protection is good against R/G, Burn, and more importantly an out to All-in Red’s jank. I never felt like I needed it opposite Zoo. Oversold Cemetery was my big idea to break the Death Cloud match wide open, but I really didn’t get much value out of it despite it being brilliant in theory. I also boarded in a pair of them against Zoo when I was on the play to have a late-game Baloth engine to shut them out. Slaughter Pact should probably be in the main deck. I tricked so many people with it, and won a handful of games that I wouldn’t have without that little beauty.

The rest of the board is two-ofs aimed at dealing with the Elvish threat, while Crime / Punishment is superb opposite Zoo and Affinity, Jund Charm opposite Dredge and Loam engines, and Extraction coming in as four-mana disruption spells four and five alongside Persecute to battle against combo decks.

Basically, it’s aimed to destroy aggro and Blue game 1, with options for combo games 2 and 3. This is the exact type of game plan I wanted to be sporting in LA. My goal was to have a solid proactive game plan (beasts), with plans to deal with all of the big contenders in the format.

I had two byes courtesy of my total rating. I really don’t understand how the hell they come up with that rating, but I’m thankful I was three points over the two-bye level.

Round 3 – Alexandre Alepin playing Loam Cloud

Game 1

This was a pretty epic first game. We battled for a long time trading my Beasts for his Goyfs, but after he resolved a Gifts he started using Worm Harvest to stabilize at five life. After a turn or two he started attacking in, and soon had about twenty Worms in play. I was down to my final draw when I knocked the deck, made eye contact with DJ who was sitting next to me, and slammed Naya Charm on the table to get my Woolly Thoctar and Baloth in the red zone unblocked for the win.

Sideboarding:
-3 Thornscape Battlemage, -2 Indrik Stomphowler, -3 Engineered Explosives, -1 Umezawa’s Jitte
+3 Oversold Cemetery, +2 Crime / Punishment, +2 Jund Charm, +2 Cranial Extraction

Game 2

This one went much more like I was expecting. I got an early Thoctar down, but he had a quick Damnation and followed it up with a Ravenous Beast of his own to put him out of Naya Charm blowout range. He got the Raven’s Crime engine going, and I didn’t have an answer for his Goyfs.

Game 3

I remember mulliganing twice this game and getting Thoughtseized early to neuter any chance I had. I managed to get a Chameleon Colossus later on, but Death Cloud did me dirty. This is by far my worst matchup, since they have just the right combination of hand disruption combined with a powerful card advantage engine backed up by Wrath effects and equally big creatures.

2-1

Round 4 – Jimmy Jacobsmeyer playing Elves

Game 1

I got a quick turn 2 Thoctar, but he comboed me out on turn 3.

Sideboarding:
-1 Sword of Fire and Ice, -2 Thornscape Battlemage, -2 Indrik Stomphowler, -4 Heartwood Storyteller
+2 Jund Charm, +3 Slaughter Pact, +2 Crime / Punishment, +2 Cranial Extraction

Game 2

This one was much better for me, starting out with an Explosives on one with a backup in my grip. He used Viridian Shaman to blow up my Explosives. He was short on mana the whole game, while I kept tapping out playing creatures with Slaughter Pact backup in hand in case things got out of control. He went for it with a Summoner’s Pact when I was tapped out and used his last Forest to cast Heritage Druid when he only had two other Elves in play. Naturally I used Pact on his Nettle Sentinel, and he scooped, saying “Wow, I can’t pay next upkeep!”

Game 3

I came out the gates quick with a Thoctar followed by a Persecute on Green to force the discard of six cards and seal the game.

3-1

Round 5 – Joesph McGough playing Faeries

Game 1

Joesph quickly realized how futile it was to fight with non-creature spells against Heartwood Storyteller by letting me draw five or six cards, lacking a removal spell for the 2/3 Treefolk. I had seven cards in my hand the whole game, and played exactly the way I wanted to opposite the Blue menace.

Game 2

I stumbled on a double mulligan this game, and got completely owned by the Vendilion Clique beatdown. That’s really the only way the Blue deck ever wins, and he had the Mana Leaks necessary to tempo me out.

Game 3

This was a really close one. I landed an early Baloth, but he was on the attack with a Clique which eventually was killed by a Thornscape Battlemage that also took out a Vedalken Shackles. Then he picked up a Sword of Fire and Ice, and I was able to stabilize at two life.

4-1

Round 6 – Gaudenis Vidugris playing Elves

Game 1

He went off on turn 3 before I even played a spell.

Sideboarding:
-1 Sword of Fire and Ice, -2 Thornscape Battlemage, -2 Indrik Stomphowler, -4 Heartwood Storyteller
+2 Jund Charm, +3 Slaughter Pact, +2 Crime / Punishment, +2 Cranial Extraction

Game 2

Turn 1 Explosives on one set up my Persecute quite nicely, and I finished him off with a Colossus and Thoctar.

Game 3

A double mulligan on my side and no Persecute to rebound. I really messed this game up. He thought awhile before keeping, so instead of leading out with Explosives on turn 1 I decided I’d wait until turn 3 so I could get some value out of it in case he had a Viridian Shaman. Problem was, he was on the play, and he comboed me out before I ever reached my third turn.

4-2

Round 7 – Lite Hsu playing Affinity

James told me this was a problem matchup, but honestly I think it’s pretty favorable for me, especially after board when Slaughter Pact takes away what little combo potential they have. I lost my notes from my two Affinity matches, but both were pretty handily beaten with a combination of Crime / Punishment, Baloths, and Contested Cliffs.

5-2

Round 8 – Timothy Nishimura playing Storm

Game 1

I managed a turn 3 Persecute which took out two Minds Desires and a Ponder, and followed it up with a Ravenous Baloth and Storyteller. He didn’t seem to draw too much, and I somehow managed to get game 1 against my worst matchup.

Sideboarding:
-1 Crime / Punishment, -1 Engineered Explosives
+2 Cranial Extraction

Game 2

I got a quick turn 2 Thoctar out, but he had the turn 3 combo.

Game 3

Turn 2 Thoctar, turn 3 Baloth was my start for this game, but he had mulliganed this game and didn’t have much going. On his last turn to live, at two life, he went for it with a storm of four and tried to trick me by using Echoing Truth on my Baloth. I sacrificed my Thoctar and Baloth to put me at 25, and he continued to play a bunch of spells. When he went for the Tendrils he only had ten storm copies, which dropped me to three (nice Thoctar sacrifice!).

From there I didn’t have much more gas, but a Bird with a Sword started whittling his life down. I started drawing into more creatures, and eventually used a Persecute to take his Red rituals away before the game ended in my favor.

6-2

Round 9 – Alan Wong playing Affinity

I really need to keep better track of my matches. Honestly, I might have played Affinity two rounds in a row, but I’m not sure if Wong or Nishimura was playing Storm. It’s all one big blur without the notes, but hey, I won!

I’m pretty sure this was the one that went all in on an Ornithopter when I was tapped out, with a Ravager sacrifice and Fatal Frenzy, but I had the Akroma’s Vengeance Pact.

7-2

Round 10 – Chas Hinkle playing Zoo

Game 1

I mulliganed to start Day 2 play, and fell victim to a lethal turn 1 Nacatl, turn 2 Kird Ape plus Kird Ape.

Sideboarding:
+2 Crime//Punishment, +3 Slaughter Pact, +2 Oversold Cemetery
-3 Persecute, -4 Heartwood Storyteller

Game 2

This was another pretty epic game, where both of our life totals topped twenty at several points. He had a trio of Finks, while my sacrificial Beast engine was keeping me well out of triple Tribal Flames range. I’d been holding the Oversold Cemetery the whole game, waiting to use my Crime / Punishment for two on his Goyfs, but after the Goyfs were cleared and the Cemetery laid, he topdecked a random Engineered Explosives to kill the game-breaking enchantment.

Around turn 15 or so, I landed a Chameleon Colossus with double pump and Contested Cliffs mana up. I cleared the path and crashed in for 16 to put him at six, and on the following turn he scooped em’ up.

Game 3

Another very good game that was eventually offset by my Jitte advantage. There were a couple of turns where I was vulnerable to a topdecked burn spell, so I was pretty lucky to win this one by the skin of my teeth.

8-2

Round 11 – DJ Kastner playing Faeries

DJ is a buddy of mine sporting RIW garb, and had a good look at my deck in between rounds out of curiosity on Day 1, so I lost a great deal of my surprise factor in this round.

Game 1

I mulliganed to five, but managed a turn 2 Storyteller, which led to a Baloth and Chameleon Colossus before dying to an Engineered Explosives on three. Despite his turn 1 suspended Ancestral Vision, I was still able to keep it a close game, getting him down to three with my five-card hand, showing him just how strong this matchup is for me, but his overwhelming card advantage finally caught up with me when he was able to stick double Shackles to stifle my offense and stabilize at two life. The last spell I cast was a Naya Charm that wasn’t timed well enough, but I was in pretty bad shape since he had Mutavaults and Venser plus Lab going.

Sideboarding:
-2 Engineered Explosives
+2 Jund Charm

Game 2

I mulliganed again on the play, but still had a timely turn 2 Storyteller, turn 3 Baloth, turn 4 Chameleon Colossus, and he had no answer.

Game 3

Another mulligan to five, and this game I finally got mana screwed on Contested Cliffs and basic lands, and soon fell to a quick Vendilion Clique and Mutavault beats. I only cast four spells this entire game, a Jitte and Sword on turns 2 and 3 followed by a Baloth and Battlemage which both got Mana Leaked.

8-3

Round 12 – Erin Brown playing Faeries

I honestly don’t remember any details from this round, other than he was playing Blue and I smashed him with some combination of Stomphowlers, Storytellers, and Thornscape Battlemages.

9-3

Round 13 – Axel Martinez playing Death Cloud

Game 1

Axel hails from Mexico and was sporting a dainty-looking burgundy scarf during our match. He wasn’t using the Loam engine, and quickly figured out how good Persecute is against his Green-heavy version of Death Cloud when I got one off turn 3 to force the discard of a Baloth, a pair of Finks, Eternal Witness, Putrefy, and Sakura-Tribe Elder all in one blow. Poor guy probably thought he was winning that one with a really good hand.

Sideboarding:
-4 Heartwood Storyteller, -3 Engineered Explosives, -1 Thornscape Battlemage
+2 Crime / Punishment, +3 Oversold Cemetery, +3 Slaughter Pact

Game 2

Axel was steaming a bit after the devastating loss, but he perked up when I mulliganed to five and got stuck on Swamp and Contested Cliffs until turn 6. Meanwhile, he was busy pursuing Planeswalkery plots with Garruk, Golgari Rot Farm, and Treetop Village. It was his second mainphase and he looked to be in the tank, and still hadn’t used his Garruk for the turn, so I asked “my turn?” to rush the situation.

He freaked out, and demanded that I not ask him when the end of his turn is. This really pissed him off, which gave me a serious edge going into game 3.

Game 3

My opening seven was a monster: Windswept Heath, Wooded Foothills, Contested Cliffs, Birds, Woolly Thoctar, Persecute, Ravenous Baloth, but given how upset and frazzled my opponent was, I decided to slow roll my decision. I thought for about a minute before tentatively keeping. Axel started thinking a lot and kept a very slow hand, probably forced by me pissing him off game 2 and my slow decision.

The game played out as the hand dictated: turn 2 Thoctar, turn 3 Persecute on Green, nailing Kitchen Finks, Baloth, Putrefy, and Garruk, his only four spells. A very slow hand with no one- or two-drops. He did manage to topdeck a Baloth, but I had the best answer in the format for the 4/4 with Slaughter Pact, and he sacrificed in response.

On my next upkeep, I thought for a second and went to draw. As soon as I touched the top of my library with my hand, he jumped out of his seat and proclaimed that I lose the game, and almost started scooping up his cards! I informed him that he sacked Baloth, and his posture plummeted. From there it wasn’t too hard to finish the game off with Thoctar and the Baloth.

10-3

Round 14 – Adam Prosak playing R/G

Adam was playing that R/G deck splashing White for Wild Nacatls and Lightning Helix, which is a much better version of Zoo (in my opinion) because it features Molten Rain and Sulfuric Vortex and a less compromising manabase.

Game 1

I lost my game notes from this round, but I’m pretty sure this was the game that I blew him out with a bunch of Beasts. I drew both of my Chameleon Colossus, and he didn’t have much early pressure so I played the Green card advantage to the hilt by simply attacking in with Colossus each turn forcing a three-for-one trade each time while sacrificing it to my Baloth. After his Apes, Cats, Goyfs, and Mutavaults were dead, I started getting in there with Woolly Thoctar and the Baloths, and my guys were just too big for him.

Sideboarding:

-4 Heartwood Storyteller, -1 Persecute, -3 Thornscape Battlemage
+2 Crime / Punishment, +3 Circle of Protection: Red, +3 Slaughter Pact

Game 2

I kept a hand reliant on Birds, which he killed, and it slowed my mana down for a bit. He got an early Sulfuric Vortex out and I didn’t have the mana to get my Stomphowler into play to turn the tide.

Sideboarding:
+1 Persecute
-1 Engineered Explosives

Game 3

A double mulligan on the play was pretty devastating, but I still had the chance at a turn 3 Persecute via a Sakura-Tribe Elder. I didn’t get the fourth mana, but if I had I would have likely won given Adam had four or five Red spells in his hand along with a Goyf. He had some one-drops out already, which got me to single digits before I topdecked a Punishment to wipe ’em out, but it was too little too late and I never got the fourth mana to get rid of his hand of burn.

10-4

Round 15 Michael Bernat

ID!

My tiebreakers were a little below halfway of the 30-point pack going into round 15 sitting in 49th place. There were some 33-pointers that would make Top 32; however, with my weak breakers, it would be nearly impossible for me to make that big a jump.

My opponent was in a similar situation being in 50th before round 15, and there was no way there would be enough draws to kick both of us out of Top 64. With no incentive to play, we both decided it was the right play to draw, and both of us easily made the Top 64. Meanwhile, GerryT decided to play and ended up at the painful 65th-place spot.

The funny part is that our draw inspired the three matches sitting next to us to draw, including my round 3 opponent who beat me with Loam Cloud.

So, in twelve matches…

Faeries 2-1
Affinity 2-0
Elves 1-1
Death Cloud 1-0
Loam Cloud 0-1
Zoo (counting Prosak) 1-1
Storm 1-0

I lost two matches I felt I shouldn’t have, against DJ and Prosak, but I also took down a Storm match that I had no business winning. I don’t mind splitting with Elves, especially since the loss is partially due to my mistake of not casting Explosives on turn 1, but overall I’m not too upset with the result. I played against a gauntlet that was easily beatable, but due to mulligans I feel the deck underachieved.

James Wise, the other pilot, stuck to his Jund Charm version and didn’t play Persecute and had a miserable showing on Day 2, falling out of the money.

I’m not planning on playing this deck any more this season, but it was a good reminder at how slow the Extended format is, and that any deck can compete as long as its plans against the top decks are solid and consistent.

That said, I think I was a bit too ambitious with the sideboard. It’s much better to cement the 50/50 matchups than to play random two-ofs that give you a small chance in the horrible matches. I’d cut the Cranial Extraction in favor of a Jund Charm and Slaughter Pact. Slaughter Pact in particular is something that I want/need to draw against Affinity, Elves, Zoo, and any deck that plays Baloth.

After my ID in the last round, my bladder was screaming something fierce, so I made my way to the restrooms. On the way, someone started talking to me about the Beast deck and followed me into the restroom to continue our conversation behind me while I used a urinal. I put my foiled-out, filled-with-APAC-lands Beast deck on the top of the stall.

The guy was still asking me questions when I turned around and buttoned up*, so I washed my hands and face and walked to get some water. After wandering around for a bit watching matches, GerryT gave me a pat on the back and was curious to see my deck…

!!!!

I bolted back to the restroom, where I found a cleaning cart outside a closed door. I pushed it open and an attractive cleaning lady yelled at me not to come in. I asked her if there was a black deck box on top of the last urinal, but she had no clue what I was talking about and said I could come and check it out. If I wasn’t so focused on finding my buddy’s one-thousand dollar deck, I might have actually had a chance at getting lucky in the LAX Radisson restroom, but once I verified that the deck wasn’t in the restroom I started running around frantically trying to find it.

But alas, the deck was gone…

Must be nice to be that guy who walked into the restroom and found a grand sitting on the urinal. If by some random chance the guy who found it reads this, I’d be more than willing to ship him a few hundred bucks for their lucky find. I get sponsored by my local shop in all the tournaments I play in, and don’t actually own any cards of my own, so while I’m not sweating having to pay my buddy back in cash, I’m sure he’d rather have the foil fetchlands, foil shocklands, APAC lands, set of judge foil Baloths, foil DCI Thoctars, and foil Birds of Paradise back.

Beastly beats indeed.

Thanks for reading…

Kyle

…

Top 5 Picks

1) My Body Is A Cage — The Arcade Fire
2) This Guy’s In Love With You — Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass
3) Record Year – Decemberists
4) With Strangers — Little Joy
5) Rock Bottom Riser – Smog

* Button flies are better than zippers. They just have a better fit to ’em, yah feel me? And if you’re accident-prone, it’s in your best interest to make the switch before something gets caught in your zip.