Clueless

Life isn’t much like a minestrone, Mssrs 10cc; it’s more like an under-cooked Jacket Potato – half-baked. If life was so gastronomic, we’d all have better things to do than sit around all day declaring our intentions to attack. Still, regardless of whether the soup-like nature of being is, indeed, covered in ‘parmesan cheese’, it’s best not to bleat and apply the JFDI* methodology.

Thusly…

If you’re as obsessed with this CCG as I think you probably are, then why not go the whole hog and restructure everyone else’s favourite pastimes to suit with a Magical theme? It can only lead, in the long run, to tears (obviously) — but what a wild, exciting roller-coaster of a ride it’ll be in the meantime, eh? Hold on to your hats, babies, because I don’t know how much you’ll be able to stomach.

CANDIDATE No.1 – CLUEDO (or CLUE)

The rules of play are exactly the same, only the cards are different. Using the easy-to-cock-up guide included hereafter, switch in the appropriate Magic cards, write on the board in thick marker pen and print-off some new check sheets. Hey, Presto! Hot ‘Gathering’ mystery, whodunnit-type action. If you’re feeling especially playful, why not take enlarged colour photo-copies of the ‘Land’ artwork and cut-to-fit on the board – then use something permanent (e.g., glue, gum, six-inch nails, etc.) for affixation.

Suspects:

Tahngarth, Talruum Hero (a.k.a. Miss Scarlett)

Gerard Capashen (a.k.a. Mrs White)

Multani, Maro Sorcerer (a.k.a. Reverend Green)

Ertai The Corrupted (a.k.a. Colonel Mustard)

Alexi, Zephyr Mage (a.k.a. Mrs Peacock), and

Volrath (a.k.a. Professor Plum)

Weapons:

Quicksilver Dagger (Dagger)

Candelabra of Tawnos (Candlestick)

Legacy Weapon (Revolver)

Lifeline (Rope)

Lead Golem (Lead Piping)

Jhoira’s Toolbox (Spanner)

Rooms:

Assembly Hall (at last – a use for this crappy Masques rare!)

Icatian Store (Kitchen)

Arena (Billiard Room)

Jungle Basin (Conservatory)

Library Of Alexandria (Library)

City Of Brass (Ballroom)

Adventurers’ Guildhouse (Lounge)

Scorched Ruins (Dining Room)

School Of The Unseen (Study)

Of course, the thrill of Magical Clue is derived from the amusing transposition of macho male characters such as Gerard and Tahngarth (whom I still think looks like a Dairylea Cheese cow) to female Miss Marple types with tweed suits and an unnatural hunger for cream teas, and those sure-to-be side-splitting ‘accusations,’ e.g.,”I think it was Volrath…in the Adventurer’s Guildhouse…With the Candelabra of Tawnos!”

Ho-ho-ho – I’m laughing about the whole idea as I type. Hilarious. Pant-expandingly jape-tastic!

CANDIDATE No.2 – Monopoly

Remember the days of fighting over who had the Racing Car or the Top Hat? Well, all you have to…hang on…I’ve just got to take a call:

Tony (picking up the receiver): Hello?

V.A.O.E** (high-pitched): Squiddly-diddly-squiddly-dee!

Tony (slightly confused): Really?

V.A.O.E** (high-pitched): Diggley-diggley-diggley-squeedle!

Tony (realisation descending): Really?

V.A.O.E** (high-pitched): Squeedley…

Tony: (deflated) I see…

V.A.O.E** (fainter now, as if racing into the horizon on a quad bike): Squee-squiggle dee.

Tony: (tersely) Good bye.

…ah, it seems that Waddingtons, or whoever the hell has copyright ownership of Monopoly, have a red-hot legal team that like to, in the Disney style, prosecute any possible copyright infringements (such as the adaptation I was about to reveal) with a ruthless vigour and an other-worldly relentlessness. This is a fire I’d rather not micturate into, so let us move swiftly along…

CANDIDATE No.3 – TAROT CARDS

Okay. I know that these aren’t strictly a game, but they lend themselves beautifully to an M:TG makeover. I have divided the cards into the Major (character) and Minor (suit) Arcanae. Selection criteria and reading layouts remain, unlike my fragile ego, intact.

Careful what you wish for…

In a slightly-derivative version of Magic Scrabble, players are allowed to draw seven tiles and, if they’re not happy with those seven, ditch them in favour of drawing six news tiles etc. Once happy, and the game is allowed to continue – AFTER ALL WE HAVEN’T GOT ALL FREAKIN’ NIGHT, GUYS! – words placed ‘pon the be-squared battlefield must be DEMONSTRABLY**** Magic-related. In addition, words may be extended with additional words if they form the name of a card eg. adding the word ELF to the end of the word LLANOWAR to form LLANOWARELF is acceptable, as is adding URZAS to the beginning of the word RAGE (for the purpoises of simplicity, punctuation may be ignored).

Ah! If dat isn’t a foine sitar corrupted produx to be goin’ ahn with fer shure (and tappa da mornin’, tee yee)

Love,

Tony ‘They’re After Me Lucky Charms’ Boydell

[email protected]

* – Just Friggin’ Do It!

** – Voice At Other End

*** – Apart from a bloke I once knew called ‘Graham Reaper’

**** – As in ‘demonstrably’