This Week In MTG News!

BREAKING NEWS: A new study finds that no matter what your experience, you can win every single game of Magic you ever play. We’ll tell you how in a moment, but first, let’s send it over to anchorman Brian Braun-Duin, who is standing by.

Man Builds Program to “Go Infinite” on Magic Online

Witchita, Kansas

The Magic Online code has finally been cracked. Or at least, that’s what Richard Jenkins, 32, of Witchita, Kansas would claim.

After a year and a half of meticulous computer programming, Jenkins has finished development on a program called “Deep Blue White” that is capable of
piloting a Standard U/W Control deck in Magic Online Daily Events.

“I named the program after the legendary computer Deep Blue that was built to beat Garry Kasparov in Chess. As soon as I saw Supreme Verdict, Sphinx’s
Revelation, Azorius Charm, and Detention Sphere printed in Return to Ravnica, I started working immediately. I knew U/W Control would be a force in the
Standard metagame, and I had high hopes that Deep Blue White could crack the Standard code, and in the process make me upwards of hundreds of tickets on
Magic Online.”

Jenkins claims he worked 50 to 60 hours a week for 20 months straight on Deep Blue White before the pieces finally all came together.

“I quit my high-paying software job and divorced my wife so that I wouldn’t have any distractions in building this program. There’s no reason to think that
I couldn’t be making 20, 30, maybe even 40 tickets a day when this thing started really clicking. You don’t leave that kind of value just sitting on the

The key to the program is to cast the deck’s plethora of removal spells and counterspells as early as possible on any available target in hopes of buying
time to a large Sphinx’s Revelation. A large enough Sphinx’s Revelation will win the game against any deck.

“I built the program to undervalue cards like Last Breath, Azorius Charm, Detention Sphere Dissolve, and Supreme Verdict. If Deep Blue White can fire those
cards off for any amount of value, it will. A turn 10 Elvish Mystic is going to eat the same Last Breath as one on turn 2. Even if I’m letting the opponent
get a two-for-one, the fact is that it doesn’t actually matter, because Sphinx’s Revelation will solve any problem that sneaks through the cracks.”

But not everything in development came up Roses and Revelations. Jenkins hit a number of snags along the way.

“Obzedat was a big problem. I had to program in some code to just concede to save time against a resolved Obzedat. There were many other unintended
scenarios that would spring up in testing. For instance, I witnessed Deep Blue White once Dissolve a Loxodon Smiter when the opponent had a Voice of
Resurgence in play. I had to manually program in the “can’t be countered” cards into Deep Blue White’s extensive Standard database. Luckily, the program
still very easily won that game thanks to the insane power level of the U/W cards. Casting Sphinx’s Revelation is almost like cheating.”

Without the raw power of the Return to Ravnica Azorius spells, none of this would be possible. Jenkins claims that since Deep Blue White has gone live
earlier last month he is up 56 tickets on Magic Online, proof that the program is working as intended. The goal is for Deep Blue White to allow Jenkins to
“Go Infinite” on Magic Online. The term “Going Infinite” refers to the ability to use event winnings to fund cards and entry into future events without
having to invest more real money into Magic Online.

“After dedicating the last year and a half of my life to this program as well as cutting all ties to my family and friends, it’s reassuring to see it
actually working. If Deep Blue White failed to deliver, and I ended up MTGO broke, I’m not sure how I would be able to cope. As of now, I’m up a clean 56
tix, which is roughly halfway to a Tarmogoyf. Deep Blue White might be able to pay for the amount it adds to my electric bill in another month or two.”

That Tarmogoyf will certainly help Jenkins out tremendously as he works on his next task: designing a program to pilot Jund in Modern. According to
Jenkins, “Thoughtseize into Bob” is looking like it could be a success on the same level as Deep Blue White.

“As long as they don’t ban any cards in Jund, this program is looking like it could be a clear winner. Thankfully, there is no history of any Jund cards
ever getting pointlessly banned when they weren’t even dominant, so I’m confident…or should I say, Confidant?… that Thoughtseize into Bob is going to
be tearing up those Magic Online Dailies in no time. No time, that is, once I invest the year and a half it’ll take me to finish working on it.”

Jenkins claims to have done extensive beta testing of Deep Blue White against none other than Kasparov himself. The two played a series of ten matches on
Magic Online, and Deep Blue White ended up going 8-2. Jenkins later acknowledged that Kasparov had never played Magic before and was piloting budget

“Once I can fix some of the final kinks of the program, there’s no real cap on the amount of sheer value I can gain from Deep Blue White. Just think. There
are four Standard Daily Events a day, an average of 3-1 in each Daily Event with current pack prices is an easy 16-22 tickets a day off of this bad boy.
You can take that money to the bank after you find someone willing to buy each ticket for a fraction of a dollar and hope they don’t scum you. I’m MTGO
rich, [expletive]!”

When asked if Deep Blue White was worth dedicating his life to, Jenkins replied simply: “Is.”

Jenkins was later questioned what plans he had for Deep Blue White now that Sphinx’s Revelation and friends were about to rotate out of the Standard

“Rotate? I’m not sure what you mean by that? What do you mean they are going to rotate out of Standard?”

After explaining the Standard rotation cycle to Jenkins, he became unavailable for further comment.

Magic Player Forced to Choose Between Pack Rat or Boyfriend

Minneapolis, Minnesota

It’s the kind of choice none of us hope to ever have to make, but unfortunately Christine Birkow, 25, of Minneapolis wasn’t so lucky. Tired of losing
constantly to Thoughtseize into Pack Rat, Christine’s boyfriend of five months, Kyle, issued an ultimatum.

“It’s either me or Pack Rat. One of us has to go.”

Christine has been piloting Mono-Black Devotion religiously for the last eight months and is reticent to let it go.

“This decision is so hard for me. I can’t decide whether to pack it up or Pack it up. If he can’t love me for the kinds of decks I am happy piloting, then
I’m not sure he’s the right person for me anyway. Just because I love making Pack Rat tokens a few turns in a row and then Bile Blighting the [expletive]
out of any cards he tries to play to stabilize shouldn’t affect our relationship in any way.”

Kyle doesn’t see it the same way. According to him, her love of Pack Rat has become smothering.

“She’s just not the same person I started dating. When we started together, she was full of fun and joy. Now she is just dedicated to crushing the soul out
of everything, one Pack Rat activation at a time. I thought we liked Domri Rade. I thought we could cast Master of Waves together. I guess not.”

Christine doesn’t see eye-to-eye on the issue.

“I’m still the same fun-loving gal I was before. I guess what’s fun for me just isn’t fun for him anymore. We used to have so much in common. Just because
I’m wearing a Pack Rat T-Shirt and got a Thoughtseize tattoo doesn’t change anything. I still like the same things.”

Ultimately, her love of Pack Rat might end up being this hero’s downfall.

“I’m so used to discarding excess Swamps to Pack Rat. It’s sad to think that soon I might have to discard Kyle to feed the Rat.”

Christine’s devotion to black is strong. Only time will tell whether her devotion to Kyle is stronger, or if Pack Rat will win one more time.

Magic Online Soon To Be Windows 3.1 Compatible

Renton, Washington

Executives at Wizards of the Coast headquarters claim that Magic Online is going to be able to keep pace with the breakneck speed of modern technological
development. With how fast technology advances in the Information Age, it’s no small feat to ensure that your best software is able to stay top-of-the-line
in today’s high-tech world.

Lots of companies lose business each and every year to having their business model or software become obsolete in such a dynamic world. Magic Online
executives are clear on one thing: “That won’t be us.”

Therefore, it’s no surprise to hear that Wizards of the Coast plans to make Magic Online Windows 3.1 compatible this upcoming year.

One top executive chimed in. “We’ve noticed a lot of Magic Online users are upgrading from MS-DOS to a more advanced operating system, and their pleas for
support will not go unheard. Don’t worry, Windows users, we have a product coming out just for you!”

The new version of Magic Online plans on utilizing new computing technology to allow for different parts of gameplay to have their own “Windows.” Instead
of every aspect of Magic Online being smashed into one giant singular frame, users will now be able to separate things like trades, chat, and games
themselves into separate windows that they can move around the screen and view separately if they so desire.

This allows for users to really customize exactly where on the screen they want things placed. They still maintain no control whatsoever on what actually
will show up on the screen, but they can certainly place those things anywhere they want, within reason.

Another executive raved about the new Magic Online. “This is really some high-tech [expletive]. I mean, we really busted out the big guns on this one. I am
confident that with the crack team that put together the shift to Windows 3.1 we can accomplish anything. I’ve heard about these newfangled Macintosh
computers. We should be ready to crank out a version of Magic Online to run on those things in another year or two max.”

We asked the Magic Online development team if they were worried about giving too much freedom by letting users customize how they viewed Magic Online.
Would too much freedom make things too confusing to a new user? The lead developer of Magic Online for Windows 3.1 had a lot to say about that.

“This was certainly a fear of ours. As a result, we made sure that certain aspects of the program couldn’t be moved just anywhere. For example, we knew
that people don’t ever use their graveyards, so we made sure that you can’t move that window. Graveyards are locked in place in a small, hard to see frame
in the bottom left corner. You can’t rearrange them or view them in any detail. It’s important to prevent users from being able to screw up their own game
play by having irrelevant aspects of the game like graveyards covering up their screen.”

As new competitors like Hearthstone and Solforge try their hand at the online trading card game arena it has to be refreshing for Magic: The Gathering fans
to know that Magic Online is ready to meet the competition head on.

Another executive wasn’t shy about commenting on their competition. “As to the gameplay of games like Hearthstone, that we cannot comment on, but I do know
one thing for sure. They will never beat us in the technology department. We’ve got that covered. Need proof? I have 3.1 reasons why.”

Magic Player Uses Magic Skills to Get the Most Out of Chipotle

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Christopher Johnson of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania claims that his years of extensive Magic testing are finally starting to pay off in the real world.
According to Johnson, he was able to extract maximum value from a Chipotle the other day.

“There’s no way I would have ended up with the same burrito if I hadn’t dedicated the last three years of my life to playing Magic. As I was standing in
that line, giving directions to the Chipotle employee filling my order, everything just finally clicked for me. Everything I learned about Magic just
started spilling out, much like my burrito when they realized there was too much to pack into one tortilla.”

Johnson suggests that every basic tenant of Magic theory came to the forefront of his mind and was instrumental in his success.

“She asked me if I wanted hot sauce, and all I could think about was what Mike Flores, Adrian Sullivan, and all of the other magic theorists would do. What
would they say? Luckily for me, I had studied up on the Philosophy of Fire and I knew that each drop of hot sauce was going to need to cover two bites. I
asked her to dip back into that well for a second scoop of sauce.”

Reading signals became very important. Johnson elaborates on how he was able to effectively gauge reactions to determine whether he should go for it or
hold back on his burrito build.

“The employee’s eyes started to widen when she asked me what kind of beans I wanted, and I immediately put her on a heavy bean strategy. She looked like
she was drafting mono-black beans and I wasn’t about to get cut. I asked her for a second scoop of rice instead.”

It wasn’t just about having the right ingredients though. For Johnson, it was just as much about how you played the dish you were dealt.

“I was set on getting chicken, but when I saw they were out, I had to opt for beef instead. I felt it was a heads-up play at the time. I only have 30
minutes for lunch, and if I lost valuable time waiting on a new batch of chicken I could easily just get tempoed out of the game. It wasn’t how I wanted
the game to play out, but it was still going to be good enough to get the job done. Misevaluation of role equals lunch lost.”

For Johnson, however, tempo only just scratches the surface of burrito theory.

“It’s easy to think that we could look back in 10 years and be like ‘how could we miss that?’ I think there is still a whole world of unexplored burrito
theory out there that could really revolutionize how we approach the game.”

Until that theory reaches the next level, Johnson was forced to simply rely on some of the basic principles that have served Magic players for years and

“I could tell the employee was fairly new to the job. I felt there was a good chance I could end up with a strong burrito simply by trying to get as many
two-for-ones as possible. You’re not usually going to get a second scoop of corn for free, but I played to my outs and was rewarded.”

Johnson was so pleased with his results that he plans to go back to the Chipotle later in the week to see if he can’t just “run it back.” According to
Johnson, you don’t pass up on this kind of value, and he’s excited to see if he can improve his performance for next time.

“Just because I had a successful lunch break here doesn’t mean there isn’t still room for improvement. I definitely punted my parking spot, and I could
have probably played the salsa choice a little tighter. Regardless, I was happy with my performance today. This was definitely one of the top 8 burritos
I’ve ever had.”

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