StarCityGames has always been about saving time. Not only do we post the decklists of the top pros so you can copy them card-for-card and then bring them to the latest tourney, avoiding the tedious process of deckbuilding… But we also hire those pros who created those decks and have them tell you how to play the deck you’ve copied, thus removing the need for playtesting.
Ultimately, our goal is to come up with an internet feed that hooks into the back of your head and plays the game for you, thus saving you valuable time that you can use to decide about whether Zora or Melissa will be the next to go on Joe Millionaire.
In any case, we’re always making advances in writing technology. In order to speed up the writing process, we’ve already created the Fill-In-The-Blank Set Review and the Fill-In-The-Blank Tourney Report… But alas, our forums are still filled with angry people. People who have to spend a half-hour at work condensing their venom and vitriol into words.
What if we could give you that time back?
So in order to speed up the feedback process, we have created the Fill-In-The-Blank Issues Submission. Whenever Wizards honks you off in some way, simply replace the words”Issue X” with whatever’s bugging you, check the appropriate boxes – and you’re done!*
The Style Of This Complaint Will Be:
__ Apocalyptic:”A mouth speaking great things and blasphemy was given to Rosewater. Authority to make bad cards for forty-two months was given to him. He opened his mouth for blasphemy against the customers, to blaspheme Garfield’s name, and his dwelling, those who dwell in game shops. All who dwell in the tournaments will worship him, everyone whose name has not been written from the foundation of the world in the book of the DCI’s true gamers, of the Psychatog who has been killed. He who has understanding, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man. His DCI number is six hundred and sixty-six.”
__ Wounded: Sadly disappointed, like a battered wife watching her husband stumble through the door drunk after he had promised to get himself clean.
__ Obscene and Teenaged:”well I thikn this is compl33t **** & *** any one who thinks that this set is enything other than ****.”
__ The Suicide Note: “I used to love this game, and now, sadly, I must leave. Goodbye, cruel Wizards…”
__ Breath-Holding: “Despite the fact that Wizards has evidently committed thousands of dollars to this research and announced it to the press, I’m sure if we write them annoying emails they will change their mind.”
__ Aggressively Cheerful:”I’m sure Wizards knows what they’re doing. After all, they’re paid professionals, like Enron and the captain of the Titanic!”
__ A Saccharine, Our Town-Style Lament:”I remember the days when I cracked my first pack down at the corner 7-11 and smiled. Pepperidge Farm remembers.”
The Content Of Your Complaint Will Be:
__ Issue X – much like the 6th Edition Rules Change, foils, Magic Online, Magic Online’s pricing, the death of Apprentice, the rotation of the dual lands, banning cheaters, the power of blue, the weakness of green, the weakness of white, the power of black, the continual rotations of new cards making it hard for people to keep up, the lack of support for Vintage, crap rares, too many people attending Regionals, too many power rares in Sealed, the hypercompetitiveness of pros, the expense of being competitive, not reprinting the Power Nine, not reprinting the dual lands, the banning of Theron Martin, trashtalking penalties being too low, the elimination of the three-judge system, combo winter, the change of”summon” to”creature,” dumb flavor text, Fact or Fiction, Flametongue Kavu, Quiet Speculation, Rishadan Port, Vampiric Tutor, Lin-Sivvi, and Wild Mongrel – will be the death of Magic. No, really.
__ Despite the fact that the sum total of my experience with capitalism involves making $6.50 an hour working part-time at the comics shop, I feel qualified to make large-scale judgements on how multimillion-dollar corporations should work.
__ Wizards should cheerfully ignore the laws of commerce in order to do things the way that I’d like them to be. (What do you mean putting a Beta Black Lotus in every pack for $3.29 isn’t viable?)
__ Wizards knows exactly what they’re doing about Issue X, even though they keep going through these erratic hiring phases and then firing hundreds of people a couple of months later. Oops.
__ Although there are at least a million other Magic players, all of them are simply carbon copies of my thoughts and preferences. By alienating me personally, Wizards is making a very bad move: Don’t they realize I’m the key to their whole business plan? Me!
__ Magic must stay the same to preserve my precious childhood memories. Oh my God, I’m old.
__ I bought these cards because they made me feel like a wizard, casting spells. Now I don’t. Robbed of this adolescent power trip, I now must resort to watching Lord of the Rings over and over again to make me feel important.
__ R&D are a big bunch of idiots who don’t know what they’re doing, and Issue X proves it.
__ I am an idiot who is continually surprised by the fact that corporations exist to make money and not to serve my every whim. Therefore, I will fling accusations about like monkey feces, throwing about statements like”Wizards is nothing more than a greedy, heartless corporation!” as if they were bitter insults that should galvanize the community into action. Afterwards, I will travel back in time to live in communist Russia, and learn a valuable lesson in economics.
__ 90% of the Magic community hates these changes – or at least 90% of the people who are motivated enough to write long, enraged essays on Issue X. Based on this groundswell of angry, bitter cranks, Wizards should see the light.
__ Issue X speeds up Magic too much, making it just like Urza’s Saga.
__ Issue X slows down Magic too much, making it boring.
__ Issue X eliminates all the strategy from Magic, turning it into a game of who goes first. Suuuuure.
__ Issue X makes Magic just like Pokemon. AAAAHHHHHHHH!
__ Issue X makes Magic just like Yu-Gi-Oh. AAAAHHHHHHHH!
__ Issue X makes Magic just like Unglued. AAAAHHHHHHHH!
__ Issue X makes Magic just like Portal. AAAAHHHHHHHH!
* – Note that we didn’t say you needed to post this anywhere. Hint hint.