Suck Netdecks For Kids

I need you to lie to small children to save the Magic community from eternal humiliation. But heck, they’re only kids, anyway – they’re USED to being lied to!

You know how it goes. You’re at a tournament, playing against some tiny kid who is so young that he is still dripping with amniotic fluid. The kid wears gigantic glasses to compensate for the fact that his eyes didn’t fully develop before he was expelled from the womb, and his head is still kinda deformed after being squeezed through that Play-Doh Fun Factory of life.

He’s using his umbilical cord for a belt.

Yet still – there he sits. Holding seven cards with a vaguely confused expression, laying lands and playing spells in a near-trance.

“Um, it’s my turn, I guess…”

“Untap your lands.”


“It’s the beginning of your turn,” you repeat, feeling slightly foolish for helping your opponent – but what sort of cheap bastard would rip off a little kid?”You’re supposed to untap. Untap, upkeep, draw?”

“Oh yeah,” he says, looking at his lands with dazed perplexion as if they were a freshly-randomized three-card monte layout – and you bite your lip, because this is the seventh time you’ve reminded him about this. He straightens his lands, then looks up proudly.

“Um,” he says, a thin smile beaming from his unformed face,”I cast, um, Saperlin Brust? And I, um, remove three tokens from it and attack for twelve. Right?”

He looks up at you expectantly, awaiting the confirmation. You nod, tasting the dim bile of a half-digested pizza crawling up to the back of your throat, and extend your hand across the table. It seems to take forever. His hand is smaller than your pinky, and you’re seized with a mad urge to squash his hand like a bug.

“That’s game,” you choke out, realizing that the kid won… And he forgot to draw his damn card.

That’s the real problem with netdecks. Deep down, we all believe that Magic should be about talent – and it’s humiliaratin’ to have the snot beaten out of you by a better deck, not a better player.

But kids all do the same things: They build their own decks, discover their own decks suck, and then go out to plunder the rich troves of the internet. And it’s annoying, since they’re not really worthy of these decks.

But never fear, true believers! I have a solution!

Suck Netdecks For Kids.

Because frankly, we all build the same damn decks when we start out anyway. We all have the same seven or eight ideas, we build them in joyous glee, thinking,”Nobody ever created this titan of the cardboard before!”…. And then we lose a lot.

So why not make them netdeck archetypes?

It’s not like these kids know anything anyway. So to help the Magic community, I’ve decided to build optimized versions of these”just starting out” decks for the kids to copy and play… But you’ll have to help.

You need to lie. A lot. To small children with stars in their eyes.

I admit, it’s a lot to ask of the Magic community – but think of the rewards! All the kiddies will be playing”Megaprot.dec” and”TurboSuck” and losing at the bottom tables, just like nature intended. And us”pro”-types can play our pro-caliber decks, like whatever snack-related combo deck happens to be floating around nowadays.

But hey, we lie to kids all the time – we lie about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, George Bush’s IQ… So heck, what’s one more painful lie for those unweaned whelps to discover upon hitting adolescence? Groan with pain whenever you see that fourth Circle of Protection! Mutter and bitch, saying how”TurboSuck” is always a bad matchup for your Finkula deck! And most importantly, sympathize with your opponent for losing thanks to bad cards!

Stupid kids.

So what do we need in a Netdeck?

1) A Good, Solid Deck Concept That Will Win Games. Heh. Hell with that. Next!

2) Zillions Of Good Rares. Hey, does a netdeck really seem like it’s something unless you’ve dropped $250 in desperate trades to slap it together? Our archetypical Suck Decks all need to include at least fifteen rares in each deck, just like real netdecks – which, coincidentally, keeps fine sites like Starcitygames.com in business! Besides, they’re only kids – we rip ’em off all the time anyway! Think of it as teaching them valuable business lessons. I mean, if they didn’t learn from Pokemon….

…Unfortunately, this propensity towards rares means that the suck decks here won’t be as random as the decks you created when you first started out, simply because you weren’t foolish enough to go out and buy $150 worth of cards to complete your deck. For”Absorb,” think”Memory Lapse.” For”Spectral Lynx,” think”Ardent Soldier.”

Also unfortunately, the restrictions of Type II don’t allow for the sheer randomness of whatever cards you can get your filthy mitts on. So unfortunately, these will be much more focused on their original sucky goal than your terrible decks were.

3) A Cool .dec Name. Not a problem.

4) A Sideboard That Will Win Games. Time to get sneaky – I’m going to include actual useful cards in each deck’s sideboard. Cards that might actually win a game! That way, they might be able to pull off a Game #2 and feel like they had a chance at winning. Your job: Lie until your teeth turn black.

5) A Pro’s Name Associated With Each Netdeck. Okay – Finkel? Mowshowitz? Budde? Just so you know, you big pros, you, I’m going to link your name to each of these decks. When some tiny waif tugs at your shirt and asks you how why you’re not playing your signature deck that day, just nod sagely and say,”Well, everybody’s expecting me to play that deck, aren’t they?” Then wink.

Mowshowitz, I’m expecting you to write”My Mana Cliff, Part Seven” any day now to help out. If you don’t, I swear to God I’ll burn every Netrunner card in existence.

Anyway – on to the decks!


As played by Jon Finkel, 2nd place, Pro Tour: Afghanistan

(“Finkel’s deck was filled with bombs….”)

4x Circle of Protection: Red

4x Circle of Protection: Blue

4x Circle of Protection: Green

4x Circle of Protection: Black

4x Circle of Protection: White

4x Crimson Acolyte

4x Obsidian Acolyte

4x Orim’s Chant

4x Atalya, Samite Master

4x Spectral Lynx

16x Plains

4x Caves of Koilos


4x Voice of All

4x Ancestral Tribute

4x Aegis of Honor

4x Crusading Knight

3x Disenchant

Ah, we all remember this one, right? If we have all five Circles, we can’t possibly lose! Mwah hah hah! Come at me, you bastard! You can’t hurt me!

What? How do I win?


Twenty-Land Stompy

As played by David Price,”The King Of Beatdown,” at Grand Prix: Genital Warts – *8th place*

No, wait – *9th place* – sorry….

20x Forest

4x Kavu Climber

4x Nomadic Elf

4x Giant Spider

4x Beast Attack

4x Call Of The Herd

4x Spined Wurm

4x Wild Mongrel

4x Blurred Mongoose

4x Kavu Chameleon

4x Blastoderm (ssshhh…. kids can’t get enough of this card!)

4x Sulam Djinn

4x Nemata, Grove Guardian

4x Elvish Piper

4x Thorn Elemental

4x Might of Oaks

4x Giant Growth

4x Gang of Elk

4x Penumbra Wurm

4x Ivy Elemental

4x Nut Collector

4x Stone-Tongue Basilisk


4x Gaea’s Herald

4x Krosan Beast

4x Spellbane Centaur

4x Blastoderm (ssh)

3x Karplusan Forest

This deck is pretty simple to play: Draw a hand. Mulligan. Draw a hand. Mulligan. Draw a hand. Mulligan. Draw a hand. Mulligan. Keep two forests, then beat down with everything you have.

Incidentally, I’m told that this is by far the most popular archetype at the JSS Qualifiers.

All Your Eggs Are Belong To Us.dec

As played by Bob Maher at Altered States

4x Blanchwood Armor

4x Lure

4x Seton’s Desire

4x Sinister Strength

4x Unholy Strength

4x Primal Frenzy

4x Birds of Paradise

4x Llanowar Elf

4x Verduran Enchantress

10x Forest

6x Swamp

4x Llanowar Wastes


4x Compost

4x Quirion Sentinel

4x Cursed Flesh

4x Elvish Champion

3x Blastoderm

Your creatures will be huge. Bigger than huge. Can you imagine the thrill of attacking with a 12/10 trampling, flying creature that all guys must block?

You sure can… Imagine it, that is. Not that anyone would ever Shock or Fire your guys away before you could enchant them. Right?

Every deck has a metagame, and after you get around this, you determine that if your opponents killing your creatures is good, then killing your opponents’ creatures must be even better….


As played by Joseph”Mouth” Kambourakis, who not surprisingly didn’t win or even place – but don’t worry, folks, he’s still a pro! – at PT: Middlanowhere

4x Ghitu Fire

4x Shock

4x Blaze

4x Earthquake

4x Inferno

4x Volley of Boulders

4x Scorching Lava

4x Tribal Flames

4x Breath of Darigaaz

23x Mountain

1x Keldon Necropolis


4x Urza’s Rage

4x Molten Influence

4x Hurricane

4x Karplusan Forest

3x Blastoderm

Burn! Burn! Burn! Kill ’em all! No creatures, only burn! X spells everywhere! Die! Die! Die!

Circle of what?

Dammit, that Megaprot.dec metagame call is a tough one.


(A.k.a.,”The Dragons Theme Deck, Splashing Angels And Vampires ‘Cause It’s Cool” Deck*)

As played by Brian Kibler, at PT: Strange And Mystical Island Where Only Good Looking, Dreamboaty Guys Play Magic

2x Serra Angel

2x Reya, Dawnbringer

2x Angel of Mercy

2x Fallen Angel

2x Desolation Angel

2x Lightning Angel

2x Wayward Angel

2x Iridescent Angel

2x Crosis, The Purger

2x Darigaaz, The Igniter

2x Dromar, The Banisher

2x Rith, The Awakener

2x Treva, The Renewer

2x Draco

2x Crimson Hellkite

2x Shivan Dragon

2x Vampiric Dragon

4x Dragon Arch

4x Plains

4x Forest

4x Swamp

4x Mountain

4x Island


15x Blastoderm

The idea of this deck is simple: Assuming that no one touches you until turn 8 or so, you can begin to assume control by casting fattie after fattie! Yowza!


Played by Zvi Mowshowitz at Masters Series, Bates, Montana**

4 Overeager Apprentice

4 Twilight’s Call

4 Lava Zombie

4 Buried Alive

4 Phyrexian Altar

4 Thunderscape Familiar

4 Ghitu Fire

4 Diabolic Tutor

4 Anarchist

24 Lands


Blastoderms a-plenty!

Obviously, if you Buried Alive an Overeager Apprentice, a Lava Zombie, and an Anarchist with a Phyrexian Altar in play, and then cast Twilight’s Call, you could return everything into play and cast an infinite Ghitu Fire if you got all seven cards in this deck working together and completely unobstructed!

The Suck Metagame:

Needless to say, this is a Rock-Paper-Scissors environment: Rock loses to Scissors, Scissors loses to Paper, and Paper loses to Rock. And vice versa.

Of course, I’m not mentioning the Tier 2 decks in this environment:

  • The All-Discard Deck

  • The All-Counterspells, No Threats Deck (TurboSuck.dec)

  • 5-Color Black

  • The Cards That Aren’t Supposed To Be In Type 2 Decks

  • All The Rares I Own In One Gigantic Package

  • Unwittingly 5 Color

  • Mono-Brown Crap

I’d also add in the All-Land Destruction, No Threats deck, but that seems to be everyone’s super-secret tech for States, so I’ll leave it out.

Now we’ve established the working decks. Get out there and rip off some unsuspecting tyke today! They’ll thank you for it later.

Really. I mean, would I lie to you?

Signing off,

The Ferrett

The Here Edits This Here Site Here Guy

[email protected]

* – Thank you, GP Baglione!

** – Sorry, Razor, but even you admitted it was stupid…