While
Evaluating
Safety
Communally
One
Examines
Clearly
Honored
Established
Channels
Kapow!
#
Right from the kickoff… WescoeCheck. Craig, you here? Good. Once a man gets burned like you did, it’s safe to assume he’ll do anything to avoid getting burned again. Hold on… missing something.
<DISCLAIMER THAT THIS HERE WEBSITE HERE DID NOT ASK FOR, BUT WHICH HAD TO BE SAID ANYWAY>
Gambling is illegal in the United States. Unless you’re on a boat, or in certain states, or in an Indian reservation, or a church, or a school running bingo games, or the NFL. It’s also illegal in many other places of the world. If you live anywhere where gambling is illegal… don’t sweat it. You see, us Goblins don’t gamble, being fictional and all. We merely assess the probability of something happening and metaphorically exchange items of non-monetary value that symbolize our performance at evaluating these events. Works exactly like ratings points for the DCI or PrideBucks for FinkelDraft. Goblins don’t need money, but we
love
clams. Clams are yummy and slimy and fishy. To keep score amongst ourselves we use the free exchange of clams.
</DISCLAIMER THAT THIS HERE WEBSITE HERE DID NOT ASK FOR, BUT WHICH HAD TO BE SAID ANYWAY>
Getting back to it. My man Craig Wescoe is now the safest person to have around for a discussion about future projections and clams. He’ll never bite the hand that feeds him in that manner again. Having said that, I do miss the good old days when Uncle Pepsi and Uncle Buddy would take someone out for a drive into the Nevada desert. Things were simpler then, and solutions more permanent.
Some of you might wonder, where exactly does a Goblin Bookie live? My summer home is in Curacao, I winter in Costa Rica, I have beach houses in Philippines, and penthouses in Las Vegas, Macao, and Atlantic City. I was born in Monaco, spent my teenage years in London, and my family is from Malta.
Speaking of Curacao, how long before Team ChannelFireball moves there? Hmmm… They have tasty clams in Curacao. You put vodka, Tabasco, and some fresh worms, and the clams are Mag-Ni-Fi-Cent, just like Jace.
You know what keeps me up at night? Wondering how many Jace, the Mind Sculptors will be in the Top 8 at Worlds? Chapin’s team will manage to put two at a minimum. There are eight decks, so 32 copies is the max. Assuming Scars of Mirrodin is designed in a way that kicks the existing format in the nuts and just waits to be kicked in the nuts by the next set that comes out, like every new set for the past few years, we might think that there might be fewer copies… but then we remember that Jace is the Barry Bonds of Magic cards. There is no discussion about whether it’s good; most discussions hinge on the question of “is it
too
good to be allowed?”
Fair and Balanced
So let’s say 7.5 including sideboards. Yes, 7.5 feels right.
Total copies of Jace, the Mind Sculptor among Standard decks of Top 8 competitors at Magic Worlds 2010 to be held in Chiba, Japan. Maindeck and sideboard both included.
7.5 Over -115
7.5 Under -115
There, the line is set. We can get the clams through the door.
What does that -115 mean? It means that for every 100 clams you want to win, you have to risk 115. The difference between what you lose and I win is called “juice.”
But Mr. Goblin Bookie, the juice isn’t fair, isn’t the juice like cheating?
Was it fair when my
Uncle Flarg
got killed just because some idiot planeswalker decided to play a Dwarf? Do you know how many Christmases have been ruined because someone needed a Goblin Grenade?
Fair? Go talk to Mark Rosewater about fair. I swear, that man
giggles
when he introduces mechanics with the words “sacrifice a Goblin you control.” What do I tell my children, huh? Fair… go suck on a Baloth’s knee if you want fair. How does that man manage to get away with things
like this? Why is it accepted by all? Look at this two-part puff piece interview with Rosewater [
PART 1
,
PART 2
].
This
is the best journalistic integrity can do? I swear it’s like watching Glenn Beck interview Sarah Palin.
Where are all the hard questions!?!?!
This is what I would’ve asked as my opener just to set the correct tone throughout the exchange:
“Is it true, Mr. Rosewater, that you were a key element of the genocide commonly known as Scourge?”
Instead we get a mutual admiration society between a Teddy Bear and a Leprechaun. Makes a Goblin want to sacrifice himself to destroy target Wizards employee.
Getting back to business, and please stop distracting me when I’m working. Do you know who talks about himself almost as much as I do? Mike Flores. You know who’s crazy about Flores? Goblins. We can’t get enough of the guy. We play drinking games while reading his articles. Every time he mentions how
he broke a format before the wheel was round, you take a shot. Double Pop phrases are “Trix,” “Who is the beatdown?” and “Tap out.” Last week,
Aunt Matron
ended up dancing on top of the
Sled
while lifting her skirts. I’m telling ya, the man can self-promote almost as well as
Rickey Henderson.
So how many times does he do it in a year? Let’s see: he writes two articles a week, fifty weeks a year, goes about 2.5 per article… adjust for the wind… a friend once told me he hates the coach, so we have to take that into account… anyone know what a typical breakfast is in the Flores household? Everyone knows a constipated Flores is a self-loving Flores.
Total number of self-promoting references that Michael Flores will publish between January 1st 2011 and December 31st 2011.
103.5 Over -115
103.5 Under -115
Yikes, that looks like a WNBA total. Only forum trolls and Hall of Fame Magic players from the Netherlands like the WNBA. We once had a drinking game where we’d take shots of ToKillYa whenever a wide-open layup was missed in an L.A. Sparks game, but it got rowdy too quickly. I’m not at liberty to disclose what
Aunt Matron
did that time, but let’s just say Tezzeret still won’t look me in the eye, and Umezawa’s Jitte makes me blush.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but not when you bring a camera.
Fearless prediction #1: There will be Japanese players at Worlds 2010.
Fearless prediction #2: Some might be good at Magic.
Did you see that limb? Did you see how I went out on it? They used to call me Goblin the Fearless; that is, until they started owing me clams. Now I’m just the Goblin Bookie.
Total number of Japanese players to make Top 8 at Magic Worlds 2010 to be held in Chiba, Japan.
1.5 Over -125
1.5 Under -105
Will Kenji, Saito, Sahiro, or Mori make the Top 8? Hint: only one of those is a Goblin. I tell you; my cousin went to Japan, and he came back insisting that we call him Akki. His brother, E-mo, went to Seattle and came back with black fingernails and started talking about the pain of his existence. We sent both of them to work at the
Siege Gang.
That seemed to put an end to the moaning. Silence is such a blessing sometimes.
Total number of current StarCityGames.com columnists to make Top 8 at Magic Worlds to be held in Chiba, Japan.
0.5 Over -120
0.5 Under -110
Total number of current CanalBoladefuego columnists to make Top 8 at Magic Worlds 2010 to be held in Chiba, Japan.
1 Over -112
1 Under -118
What can I say? These two teams seem to battle a lot… except they don’t. If only they understood that cooperation is
not
the way to go. I puke in my mouth a little every time I see an article that indicates these blood-enemies actually
collaborated!?!
How are we supposed to take innocent remarks out of context and create a rivalry that’s not there when these Elf-lovers
help
each other?
You want to know who is single-handedly responsible for the resurgence of American Magic? Hasbro. They cut Pro Tours and prize support. When the top Magic players would earn the same as medical doctors or PhDs of non-US countries, then it made sense for kids from these areas to dedicate to the game. It was a vehicle for social mobility, or it made you enough ca$hola to where you could get your family off your back for not having a real job; just ask the French and the Brazilians. Now? Now you have to be rich enough to be able to choose a life of relative poverty as a cardboard slinger. Now the players work together for the benefit of each other. If it’s okay for LeBron, it must be okay for Kibler, right?
N to the O.
With all of this… niceness (*puke*)… no fun is had. Whatever happened to a good, old-fashioned blood feud?
Who would win in an MMA rules cage match to the death?
Zvi *evil grin* Mowshowitz -110
David *good hairline* Ochoa -120
Now
that
is more like it.
– DaGoblinBookie
P.S. Lines are open. You can make your predictions in the forums and track how you do from one tournament to the other. Just remember, you gotta pay the juice.
P.P.S. Fifty clams on Zvi.