SCG Daily – Doctor Mox Tackles Type Two

Dear Doctor Mox,
Don’t you realize that TYPE TWO is the only true Constructed format? Who cares if there’s a PTQ season ongoing? FNM is the tournament that separates the men from the boys!
Come on, Mox! Pull your finger out! Give us the skinny on the Standard scene!
Renton, WA

Joy be with you! It is I, the mystical Doctor Mox, holding open surgery for Magic matters the world over. In the spirit of goodwill, and forgoing this niggling sense of creepiness, I send to thee my fondest fondlings.

Before I set sail on today’s voyage of discovery, I must impart some news of singular importance. Jetta, my Swiss ladyfriend of some renown, has agreed to be my wife!

My proposal was not the most romantic, if the truth be known. Maybe it was the moonlight, or the pleasant company. Maybe it was the gentle whirr of machinery coming from Jetta’s iron lung, or maybe it was the tremendous amount of alcohol we’d consumed over the previous six hours… I simply squatted on one knee, looked her lovingly in her real eye, and whispered “juhwhunna spuhunna mahhanah” through the tequila fog.

What girl could resist such a smooth talker as myself?

We plan to have a Fall wedding, as the heat of Summer exacerbates Jetta’s eczema. She is a martyr to her rampant epidermis, believe me.

Today, we have a familiar tale of woe, but thrust into a new age…

Dear Doctor Mox,

Thank you so much for your extensive examination of the Extended metagame. It shall probably prove useful to, I dunno, those fools who live in the past like the Amish.

Don’t you realize that TYPE TWO is the only true Constructed format? Who cares if there’s a PTQ season ongoing? FNM is the tournament that separates the men from the boys!

Come on, Mox! Pull your finger out! Give us the skinny on the Standard scene!

Aaron, WOTC.

Oh my precious Aaron… surely you jest?

Standard of late has been exactly that: Standard. A certain deck has dominated the higher echelons of the game like the Patriots. And, also like the Patriots, people are bored chinless by the same-old same-old.

Still, having some knowledge of the possible decks you’re likely to face in the Type 2 arena is very advisable. Forewarned is forearmed, as they say. And having four arms is a definite bonus when playing Magic, as you can shuffle your deck with one pair while making beguiling shadow-animals with the other.

Today and tomorrow, for your delectation, I unveil the smorgasbord of Standard in Doctor Mox Definitive Guide to the Decks of Type Two.

Deck One: Tooth and Nail

Tooth and Nail relies on creating a hideous amount of mana, then casting a nine-mana sorcery and beating down with the biggest creatures in the history of size.

1: Is Tooth and Nail fun to play?

Of course it is! The spells are spectacular, the monsters are monstrous… even the land is funky.

And if you play Tooth and Nail, you get to repeatedly say “Kiki-Jiki.”

I mean, come on! Everyone loves saying Kiki-Jiki!

The only downside is that the deck requires a lot of shuffling. Therefore if you have a withered hand, or are limp-wristed for some reason, it’s probably wise to steer clear.

2: Is Tooth and Nail competitive?

In this current environment, Tooth and Nail can be very competitive. With a heavy commitment to Green spells, it has access to the tools that can bring down the monster of Affinity. Should traditional control decks rear their heads, the mighty Boseju (who literally shelters all) neuters the threat of countermagic.

However, all is not rosy in the garden of the giant. The trouble is, the deck still relies on the appearance of a nine-mana sorcery. Even if it can be reliably cast of turn five or six, it’s often three or four turns too late. By the time the Tooth and Nail player is tapping his nine, the Affinity player is out in the car-park hitting on his girlfriend.

3: What type of player would Tooth and Nail suit best?

Tooth and Nail fans like things to be biiiiiig. They like their mana big, their monsters big, their payoffs big. Consequently, it is relatively easy to form a profile.

  • They’ll be fat, because they eat biiiiig meals.

  • They’ll be annoying as hell, because they’ll have biiiiig personalities.

  • They’ll be bruised but happy, because they love biiiiig women.

Of course, there is the possibility that their love for the biiiiig things in life may be a form of… *ahem*… “erectile compensation.” Running Tooth and Nail may be the only chance they get to play with a Colossus.

4: Is Tooth and Nail difficult to play correctly?

Not particularly. There are early decisions to be made, such as which land to fetch with a search spell, or what to do after resolving a Mindslaver… but the whole gameplan revolves around creating the optimum conditions with which to cast your nine-mana game-winner. Theoretically, once that big-ass spell resolves then the game should be over.

Another danger with Tooth and Nail is what I’d like to christen “Cool-Play Invoked Blindness.” By this, I mean that once the Tooth and Nail resolves, it is easy to lose sight of the correct play to victory when presented with funky fun options. Slapping down with Kiki-Jiki and a Colossus may win the game that turn, but it’s much more funky to ignore that option and fetch Triskelion and Mephidross Vampire.

The old sayings always ring true… “be careful what you wish for, as it may just come true.”

Sadly, Jetta’s wish to be cured of the curse of alopecia is one that has not been granted as yet, although leaps and bounds have been made in the arena of hairpiece technology.

Deck Two: Affinity

Affinity, as we all know from my Extended coverage, is an uber-fast deck that empties its hand as quickly as turn 2, then proceeds to smash the face of the 78-card elf deck piloted by a ten-year-old boy who’ll likely never pick up another Magic card again.

1: Is Affinity fun to play?

Ahh, Affinity. It’s such a lovely word, isn’t it… aff-IN-it-ee…

What hasn’t been said about the Affinity deck?

Well for starters, here are a few things that haven’t been said…

  • Affinity is a well-balanced, fun deck.

  • Affinity is totally fair

  • Affinity is doing wonders for the modern game, making type two a veritable pleasure to play.

  • Affinity doesn’t need toning down, as it’s perfect the way it is.

  • Affinity does not, and never will, suck monkey-nuts.

Of course, there are many other things that haven’t been said about Affinity, such as “Affinity was invented in Bolivia by snuff-addled midgets,” but I fear if we continue down this road we may be here some time.

2: Is Affinity competitive?

Affinity is so competitive, it tries to arm-wrestle with you every time you remove it from the deck-box.

Affinity is so explosive, each card has a digital countdown timer on the reverse, and Heaven forbid you cut the blue wire…

Affinity is so strong it has a Victorian moustache and can lift one-ton barbells in each hand.

Affinity is so dominating it wears leather chaps and carries a spank-paddle.

Affinity is so tedious you now get a free pack of Pro-Plus with each Ravager purchased.

Affinity is so evil, it has a little pointy beard!!!!

I could go on all night, you know…

3: What type of player would Affinity suit best?

Saddam Hussein would be a perfect Affinity player, as then we’d finally have proof that he was stockpiling Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Affinity should be piloted by those of you with no friends or social life. This is because you’re never likely to gain any friends by running with the Devil’s Deck, and you’ll lose a fair few along the way. If you’ve none to begin with, you’re fine. After all, you nothing to lose and you won’t miss what you’ve never had.

Play Affinity and you’ll end up alone. One happy by-product of this solitude is that it means none of you weirdoes will end up breeding, thus making the World a lighter place.

4: Is Affinity difficult to play correctly?

Yes… and no.

The mechanics of playing Affinity are, by and large, rudimentary. As long as your math chops are polished, you should have little to fear. The thing is, the World and his cat are out to take you down. Everyone comes to the plate with a plan to peel the pristine paint off this pernicious powerhouse. But are such plans palpable, or are they pretentious posturing?

Affinity, being the deck to beat, has enemies at each corner. It’s a dangerous world for the artifact beatdown machine.

Of course, the beauty of Affinity is that it can be so forgiving. You can make mistake after mistake, yet keep on winning anyway. Rumor has it that George W Bush is a true Affinity aficionado, and that during his inaugural election campaign there were many Florida-based sightings of Disciples of the Vault patrolling the polling stations in threatening gangs, are largely unfounded.

Well, my sordid little chums, it is time for me to leave you. I’ve covered two of the main Type Two contenders today. Tomorrow’s article shall see me tackle a number of the other players. If you’d like a particular decktype to come under my gimlet gaze, feel free to email your suggestion to the address below.

Tonight, Jetta and I visit our local church for a Wedding Supper with our priest Father Dougal, to discuss plans and arrangements for our forthcoming nuptials. I myself favor a subdued Catholic affair, yet this is at contrast with Jetta’s upbringing as a strict Orthodox Viking. I doubt this peaceful little hamlet is quite prepared for such a raucous ceremony, particularly the nudity and the blood-feasting. I’m sure we’ll iron out the differences, of course… and with times as they are, I highly doubt that Jetta’s parents will manage to get their horned helmets through customs.

Until next time, keep putting lethal damage on the stack!

Doctor Mox

NB: If you have a question for Doctor Mox, he can be contacted at [email protected].

Bachelor Party details to follow.