Pure And Simple

An interview with Kai Budde… Sorta… Well, what do you expect from Tony, anyway?

Voiceover: (manly and dominant, like) The third episode of Yawgmoth In The Middle follows immediately after GATHERING POSTBAG which is brought to you, as per bloody usual, by Davina Sacrament.

(Davina is sat on a Settee of Brass; she is wearing a strait-jacket, decorated with foil commons and Liver Culottes. She is smoking a Karoo Meerschaum pipe stuffed with rocket, lollo rosso, and cos. When she speaks, she speaks as if retching into a bag)

Davina (her mouth smiles, but her eyes tell a different story): A moist and yielding welcome, all you Magic lovers, to today’s edition of THE GATHERING POSTBAG; your forum for discussion, sharing, and – most importantly of all – appreciation for the highly-successful Wizards Of The Buggering Coast’s Collectible Card Game.

Davina (brushing the hair away from her arm-pits): With me, for this special ‘adolescence’-themed programme, is German CCG powerhouse Kai Buddiamond; (she turns to her right where Kai drops from a trap-door in the ceiling onto a stack of cardboard boxes and scatter cushions) Good morning, Kai.

Kai (brushing himself down and laying a freshly-washed towel across a deck-chair): Good morning, Davina. How are you?

Davina (angrily, as the windows to her soul previously intimated): In response to you declaring your intention to enquire after my well-being, I’ll enquire after your well-being…

Kai (confused, but having almost completed a Rubik’s Cube): Er…not too bad.

Davina (smugly, like a fish supper): That’s better. Your question now resolves…(there is a pause)… Fine, thanks Kai.

(The floor manager strides into full view and barks,”GET ON WITH IT YOU STUPID BITCH!” at Davina through a comedy megaphone)

Davina (straightening her buckles): Let’s take a look at our first letter, shall we? It’s from Jimson O’ Faculty of Londonshire, for which I shall adopt a bad Cockney accent:”Dear Gathering Postbag. May I first congratulate you on your well-balanced and smut-free approach to correspondence, which is like a breath of fresh air when compared with the torrid, anal reek of other ‘shall not be mentioned’ columns. It is as refreshing as a Spring morning to note the absence of such phrases as”[EDITED]”,”great, wobbly [EDITED]”,”[EDITED] until the [EDITED][EDITED] on the carpet”, and”Go [EDITED] yourself with an [EDITED]”. Moreover, you’ve got smashing [EDITED]! Anyway, my question is this:”Is it always a bad thing to offer sexual favours in return for FNM or Arena promotional cards?

Davina (ripping the postcard up and eating the pieces): Kai?

Kai (as he begins his answer, Davina chants, almost inaudibly, MEERY POPPINZ, MEERY POPPINZ): Well. I should say that provided the person you’re trading with is in agreement the answer would be ‘No’ – after all, some of those prizes are dead sexy in themselves!

(The floor manager steps in shot again and hands Kai an over-sized envelope; Kai opens it and smiles)

Davina: (in her normal voice) Good news? (quieter) Itsa jollee ‘oliday wiv Meery…

Kai: Indeed – it seems I’ve just won Pro Tour Warsaw.


Davina (insincerely): Oh, good. Well done, that man. Fan-bleedin’-tastic. Which leads us nicely into our next missive:”Dear Gathering Postbag. Could you ask that over-talented, moon-faced, sausage-scoffer if he’d kindly leave something for the rest of us to win instead of hogging all the pies to himself. Regards, The Remainder Of Europe.

Davina (holding the letter to her nose): Oh, what small, neat handwriting the Rest Of Europe has! Kai, I think this one’s for you again!

Kai: Well…er…this is a little awkward…

Floor Manager (calling from behind a sand-bag bunker): You’ve just made Top Eight at Grand Prix Whichitahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Kai: Of course, I’d love to let other people win…

Floor Manager (calling, always calling): …and been knocked out in the Semi’s…

Davina (interrupting): Talking of quizzes, lets go over to Hal Berdier on the Competition Desk.

(Fast cut to a desk at which is seated a man with no facial features whatsoever. Nothing. Not a bean. As the camera zooms in, we can here the tiresome voice of the Floor Manager:”…apparently your opponent has been DQ’ed for attempting to draw a marked card from his sideboard which was positioned on his lap next to a fraudulent tournament results slip!”)

Hal (speaking through an martial arts sign linguist): Today, you have the opportunity to win (a stack of five planks of wood is cleanly chopped in two) a complete set of The Dark that has been glued, front-and-back, and squashed together in an apple-press to make one, (hii-yyyyah!) admittedly very thick, Magic card. All you have to do is call 555-1234 and select the correct answer for the following question…(several bricks are cracked in twain by the simple flick of an eyebrow)

Hal: How does one pronounce Kai Budde surname? Is it:

    1. as in Budda-budda-budda – the sound that machine guns make in cheap, WWII cartoon strips?

    2. as in Buddha – laughing or not, take your pick?

    3. as in lewd?

    4. as in Gilly-gilly-ossenpheffer-catsanellun-bogun by the sea-ee-ee-ee?

Hal (palms together and a low bow): Over to Davina, you porky slapper.

Davina (having just inserted a whole McD cheeseburger into her mouth): Mmmph-anks, Al; mmffpphhill ivvmee sss (crumbs fly) Kaimmmmphh…

Floor Manager: Spit it out, you slag!

Kai (aside, sniggering): I bet that’s not the first time she’s heard that particular phrase!

Floor Manager: And you can shut it as well…by the way, you’re 2-1 up…

(fast cut to colourful link sequence with fireworks and sparklers spelling out the title”SHOWBIZ NEWS”)

Voiceover (husky and deep, like they have in cinema trailers): It was a time of war…well, actually, it was a time just after war…okay, okay, so it was a century or so following a war and things were quiet but beginning to pick up. Sheesh. How exciting is that? Ahem. It was a quiet period; an age after a time of war…ODYSSEY! All of the major movers and shakers in the Magic world made it to the official premiere of the ODYSSEY set at the Wizards Of The Coast Memorial Game Centre (and Illegal Cryogenic Facility) in Renton, Seattle. This is the most eagerly awaited series of spells and creatures since the last one and everyone who was someone, with someone, or at least possessing an Inquest Magic Pro cut-out glove puppet (“Give Zvi a helping hand!”) was there; even the reclusive Prof. Garfield made an appearance – he was re-born unto the world via a bitch jackal and raised by corrupt nuns… Before signing autographs at the walk-though buffet.

(Lo! There appeareth an image of a great multitude entering a sparkling building along a shimmering carpet be-decked with rose petals and shavings of lard)

Different, More Softly-Spoken Voiceover (as people stream in):…and there we see Doug O’Volver with his wife Anna; followed by Millie Kin, Wynn Oh, and Paul N. Remedy – he’ll go to anything with a free meal, apparently. Over at by Press ‘n barricade, the movie stars Ben Afflict and Cameron Daze pause for a few snaps; and they’re just being joined by Strafe Fiennes (The Avengers En-Dal, The English Portent, Kindler’s List) and Uma Thermokarst. Goodness me! Here comes a veritable invasion force – a seventy-seater omnibus has just pulled up and it’s belching forth a host of sunscape familiar personalities: That beloved Chaplain, Monsignor Goblin Raiders, Grace Phulantelope, Anne Ialate, Maggie Maburst, Miss Ticksnake, Darren Leap, Trevor Charm, Sol Ink, Dodie Capod, Ray O’ Distortion, Stan Still, Evan Shrine and his Nan: Tuko Shrine, Tom Fire, Howling Gail, Leif Dancer, and Viv Iffeye.

(Cut back to the studio. Davina and Kai are snogging on the Ikea sofa)

Floor Manager (bellowing until his larynx pops out onto the carpet): QUIT IT, YOU TARTING COW!

Davina (removing Kai’s tongue from her mouth): Time for one more letter, I think:”Dear Gathering Postbag…” – oh, this one seems to be in the guise of a song:

(to the tune of Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic by The Police)

Though I’ve tried to tell my missus

‘Bout this game, it always pisses her right off

Every time that I approach her

In a vain attempt to coach her, she says ‘K Off

Every little thing I do is Magic

Everything I do is C.C.G

Even though my life’s become so tragic

Now I know it’s her or M:TG

So I try to tell her daily

About all the tourneys I’ll be ent’ring in

She says”Boy, you wouldn’t love me

‘Less I came in shiny packets of fifteen”

Every little thing I do is Magic

Everything I do is C.C.G

Even though my life’s become so tragic

Now I know it’s her or M:TG

I resolved to call her up whenever I’m away

And ask her if she’ll draft with me, or come and watch me play

But my silent fears have gripped me

Long before I reach the phone

Seems my missus she has gipped me,

Now I’m permanently alone

Every little thing I did was Magic

Everything I did was C.C.G

Now I see my life’s become so tragic

And my missus, she’s left me

Kai (wiping a tear from his eye): *sniff*

Davina (patting his knee with a sanitary towel): Goodness, it seems you also felt the deep, emotional trauma and personal tragedy conveyed in that last letter…

Kai (blowing his nose): No, you are mistaken – I’m just thrilled to have won Grand Prix Whichitahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh after a tense fifth game.

Davina (ranting and slapping the Kraftwerk-like Magical automaton with some gladioli in a Morissey-type way): You’re an inhuman monster, Mr Budde! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! (the slapping recedes, her voice softens) I hate you…(now almost a whisper; she is weeping like a plague-ridden sore)…I hate you…

(The two embrace, tears streaming down their cheeks; Harry Connick, Jr. rides in on a child’s tricycle, singing)

Harry Connick Jr: It had to be U, It had to be U, I wandered around and suddenly found some counterspells who…(to fade)

Voiceover (raunchy photos of Michelle Bush and Becky Hiebert pulsating across the TV screen): And now, in a change to our scheduled programming, we bring you Episode 28 of”The Weakest Long’…