An Homeopathetic Remedy
Relax and unwind, light up that joss-stick, kick off those shoes, undo that constricting belt (steeeeeeaddy on there, old hoss!), reach out for that steaming mug of herbal tea (Bullrush & Nettle, or maybe Thorn & Potato), and be at one with yourself – feel those tired and drawn muscles melt.
Good – now I’m going to spoil everything!
Ever thought what would happen if you crossed the beloved televisual format that is SIT COM (Situation Comedy, for those that couldn’t give a stuff) and Magic: The Gathering?
No, I didn’t think so.
And for those of you who feel that I’ve dropped into a comfortable rut of punnage – thwarp! There’s more at the end – more than you could possibly imagine! So, your Primal Hors D’Oevres consist of a few choice, plump puns served with a fluffy, irrelevent garnish – and don’t talk with your mouth full!
Mind Twist Your Language
Steam Blast This House
Falter Dear Falter
Rising Damping Engine
Upkeeping Up Appearances
Last Of The Shimmer Wine
‘Allay ‘Allay / Dad’s Army Ants / Hi-De-Hydrate / You Rang, M’lord Of The Pit?
Flying Men Behaving Badly
The Broken Fall And Raze Of Reginald Perish / The Diminishing Returns Of Reginald Perish / The Better Storm World Of Reginald Perish / The Legacy Of Reginald Perish
The Good Lifeline (With Richard Briar-Patch)
Ever Decreasing Circles Of Protection
To The Mana Born
Spin City Of Brass
3rd Rockslide from the Sunweb
Wall Of Frasiers
Maro-Ed With Children
…talking which (oh nice link, Tony) here’s the script of an unbroadcasted episode that was, uncannily, dedicated to Magic: The Gathering!
MARO-ED WITH CHILDREN
Episode 4X22 (1989)
Writers: D. Flection, Unyaro B. Sting, R. Boria, Petra Sphinx
MOTHER OF RUNES – Mary Tyler Moorfiend
BROTHER (OF FIRE) – David Carnassidy
SISTER (OF THE FLAME) – Jodie Foster
UNCLE ISTVAN – Johan Inman
CHANDLER – Himself
RASS (The FATHER) – David Shimmer
GRANDMOTHER SENGIR – Ethel Mer-man
LANCE (The Neighbour) – Ted Danson of Many
HUNGRY MISTER ED (The Talking Workhorse) – Rin-Tin -Tin-Viper
BOSS MOGG – Orson Wellspring
NARRATOR: (in an overly-cheerful, chuckle-laden, mid-Atlantic accent) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT’S NOW TIME FOR OUR WEEKLEY DOSE OF ALL THINGS MAGICAL IT’S MARO-ED WITH CHILDREN
(continues in a hushed, conspiratorial whisper as we cut to the living room of the familial home)
NARRATOR: Tonight’s episode is "Honey, I Shrunk The Zephids"
(BROTHER and SISTER are sat facing us watching the TV, which is between us; light flickers over their faces)
BROTHER: O! HEY! SIS! (canned laughter)
SISTER: WARD YA WANT? (more canned laughter)
BROTHER: WHERE’S PUP? HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE HOME BY NOW
SISTER: (sighs because she has to explain again) LOOK, YOU JOLT, I TOLD YA EARLIER THAT PUP IS GONNA BE LATE HOME FROM WORK ON ACCOUNT OF HIM PICKIN’ UP THE BOSSES PET ZEPHIDS FROM THE IMAGINARY PET MANTICORE (corrects herself) – I MEAN MANICURE – CENTRE.
BROTHER: (sounding incredulous) WHAT ARE THEY DOIN’ AT THE (looks at audience and winks) IMAGINARY PET MASTICORE CENTRE? (canned laffs)
SISTER: (hitting BROTHER with cushions) YOU KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOIN’ THERE – THEY’RE GETTING A BATH…
BROTHER: (interrupting) …OF GOD? (laffs)
SISTER: (carrying on regardless) …AND A BLOW…
BROTHER: (interrupting again)…LIGHTNING OR FATAL? (more laffs)
SISTER: …DRY! (has run out of pillows to throw)
(GRANDMOTHER SENGIR bursts through the front door on a skateboard – audience breaks into hearty applause and whooping)
GRANDMOTHER: Hi kids! (waves carrier bags as she careens through into the kitchen area – sound of smashing and crashing)
SISTER: (calling after her) Watch out for the hot pudding sauce we’re cooking!
BROTHER: (looking into the kitchen) Uh-o! It looks like Nanna’s custardy (loud groan from audience)
(door bell rings – kids rush to door and fling it open; LANCE, the neighbour, is standing there holding a large, brown-papered package)
LANCE: Hi kids
BROTHER/SISTER: (in unison) Hi, Lance!
LANCE: (sound of banging around from the kitchen) Say..what’s a goin-on in there? (he steps into the room)
SISTER: (dismissively) Oh that’s just Grandma…
BROTHER: Yeah, she’s just pre-wearing – I mean pre-paring some lunch!
LANCE: (carries box to sofa, puts it down) There we go… (wipes forehead in exhaustion)
BROTHER: What’s in the box, Lance?
LANCE: It’s the priceless Ming vase that I had smuggled in from China – it’s a birthday present from me to your pa.
BROTHER: Saaaaaay, that’s really generous – you guys must be really great pals and all?
LANCE: Oh it’s nothing like that, boy – I’m just gonna frame your pa and get him sent away for 30 years so I can marry your mother and sell you kids into white slavery…(short but total silence then everyone laughs heartily)
BROTHER: Lance, I like your sense of humour! (slapping of backs etc – Lance looks at audience and winks, the audience laughs uproariously)
(Grandmother Sengir comes in from the kitchen)
GRANDMOTHER: (angrily – talking to SISTER but pointing to LANCE) What’s he doing here?
SISTER: He just stopped by to leave this birthday present for Dad (points to package)
GRANDMOTHER: But his birthday isn’t for another 6 months yet!
LANCE: (all turn to him, he stammers) Er..well..I can explain…(pauses, then runs full speed to door and jumps right through it)
GRANDMOTHER: Good riddance to bad rubbish! Now (rubs hands together) lets see what is REALLY in this package…
(cut to black and back again; we are once again in the living room, but BROTHER, SISTER, and GRANDMOTHER are stood around the unwrapped parcel, looking at something inside that’s hidden from our view – they all have frozen looks of shock on their faces)
GRANDMOTHER: I’m speechless!
SISTER: So am I – I can’t think of anything to say – I have been struck dumb
BROTHER: (feigning Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now) …the Horror of Horrors!
BROTHER: (bending down to pick something out) Ming vase, my Axelrod Gun_ARSE_n!
(pulls out a very small ZEPHID, it bleats like a sheep and does something on his shirt)
BROTHER: These look like the pets of our father’s boss! (turns it over in his hands – it does something on the carpet) It’s awfully small…
SISTER: You mean our father’s short-tempered, quick-to-fire, "so fanatically devoted to his Zephids that he’d put his entire fortune at risk to persecute anyone that harmed them in any way" boss? (dramatic music)
BROTHER: That’s the one…
SISTER: (confused) I thought these things couldn’t be targetted?
GRANDMOTHER: (holding up a sign saying "Information Notice") Well, my dear, they can’t – but they can be subjected to the effects of a global sweeper effect like HURRICANE, or WRATH OF GOD…
BROTHER: (smirking) I think we could do with ‘global sweeper’ to clean this carpet (animal poos again; SISTER makes a move to the kitchen)
BROTHER: (to SISTER) No! It’s okay – stay, sis! (hoots)
(the doorbell rings, then UNCLE ISTVAN pops his head through the broken door and calls in a very camp voice)
UNCLE ISTVAN: Hi-ya everybody! (looks at broken door before stepping in to the room) Oooh, looks like someone’s been using excessive force on your entrance! (audience explodes)
GRANDMOTHER: Istvan! Come over here, m’boy
UNCLE ISTVAN: Don’t rush me, mother! Honestly, I’m soooo tired – I’ve bin up all night tossing and turning.
BROTHER: Why didn’t you just go to sleep instead, then?
GRANDMOTHER: (shows UNCLE ISTVAN the mini-Zephid) What do you make of this, Istvan?
UNCLE ISTVAN: Well… (strikes camp pose) How about a nice ear-ring…or maybe a paperweight?
SISTER: Is there anything you can do, Uncle Istvan? They belong to pop’s boss and we’ll all be destitute if he finds out we’ve…shrunk his Zephids!
*** END OF PART ONE ***
*** ADVERTISEMENTS ***
Suggested tie-in merchandise for this valuable promotional window include: White Weenie Babies, Chokemon, Jolt Cola, Orios En-Vec, Snickertack, and Malboroth (and Malboroth Lightbringer).
*** PART TWO ***
SISTER: (reciting a summary of the plot in a monotone) ..and so Lance, the neighbour, has framed Dad by shrinking his bosses Zephids (BROTHER sniggers)
BROTHER: Couldn’t we try and make them bigger again?
SISTER: (sarcastically) And how are we supposed to to that? Go on some sort of CRUSADE? (audience laffs)
UNCLE ISTVAN: I could take them out the back and pump them thoroughly…
(everyone briefly turns to camera with shocked expression)
UNCLE ISTVAN: …with my bicycle pump! (produces pump from trouser leg)
GRANDMOTHER SENGIR: I’d love to help, kids, but I’m afraid I may do more harm than good. So, if you don’t mind, I’ll just get my Cloud Skateboard and head on back Homelands…
UNCLE ISTVAN: Goodbye, mother (kisses GRANDMOTHER SENGIR) – don’t give anything minus 1 minus 1 until the end of turn, now!
(everyone chuckles; GRANDMOTHER SENGIR departs)
UNCLE ISTVAN: Now…I’ll just take these, gently, up the back passage…
(puts loose Zephid back in box and departs via kitchen)
BROTHER: (calling after him) …and watch out for the lunch!
(sound of crashing; ISTVAN pops his head out, he’s covered with orange gloop)
UNCLE ISTVAN: Sorry!
SISTER: Phew – lets hope that Uncle Istvan can do something before pop and his boss come home… (at this point the doorbell rings, and the BOSS pops his head through the hole – BROTHER and SISTER hide behind the sofa)
BOSS MOGG: Hello? Is anybody there? It’s me – your father’s irrational and highly-unstable employer? I’ve come to pick up my beloved pets – the ones for whom I would commit major felonies…
UNCLE ISTVAN: (returning from the kitchen – he’s carying one of the Zephids with a pump stuck up its bottom – he is calling out) Kids? I’ve been giving this one a real seeing-to but it still won’t expand to my satisfaction…(sees BOSS and hides Zephid behind back) Er..hello – can I help you?
BOSS MOGG: I’m this week’s guest star. What have you got behind your back?
UNCLE ISTVAN: (hesitantly) Er…nothing
BOSS MOGG: (stepping forward and pulling out a large gun) Well that ‘nothing’ looked surprisingly like one of my faithful pets… now show me what you have got behind your back or I’ll blow your face off with this ridiculous weapon (waggles gun in air)
UNCLE ISTVAN: (shows Zephid, pump still hanging from it) Oh THIS? I was …er…just feeding it!
BOSS MOGG: (astonished; levels gun at ISTVAN’s face) Through it’s ass?
BROTHER: (from behind the sofa) Somebody told him it was a bottom feeder!
UNCLE ISTVAN: (hurriedly) Its not our fault! Neighbour Lance – frame dad – shrunk the Zephids – blame us all – you go mad – pop in prison forever – mother doomed – terrible tragedy (breaks down – sobbing pitifully).
BOSS MOGG: (putting gun away and comforting UNCLE ISTVAN) Aww, c’mon now – it’s not that bad! They’re only babies anyway – they’re _supposed_ to be that size! (they laugh; BOSS and ISTVAN embrace, then skip away together holding hands)
SISTER: (popping up from behind the sofa and talking to camera) I love a happy ending, don’t you?
(at this point, FATHER arrives, pushes his way through the broken door carrying a box)
FATHER: Hi kids, I’m home!
(they rush to him and give him a hug)
FATHER: …and have I got a surprise for you – I had a visit from the President of the United States at the office today, and he’s asked me to take care of his LEVIATHAN for the holidays!
(everyone looks to audience and then runs out of the house; RASS looks to the audience)
FATHER: Kids, eh?
(cue closing credits to the sound of applause, howling wolf-whistles, and whooping)
Goodbye, farewell, auf wiedersein, adieu; adieu, adieu, to yer and yer and yer (etc)