Mana Mia!

An excerpt from the latest Magic-Man-About-Town Magazine, it shows several of the latest clubs abroad! As usual, if you’re easily offended by near-psychotic English humour, stay away….

(The following editorial and subsequent article is taken from the February issue of MANA MIA, the new monthly Magic fanzine produced entirely from recycled paper that has been recycled again so that it crumbles like an Indiana Jones bad guy at the merest breath.)

“Hi! Greetings and salutations from me, Andy ‘Banzai’ Nippletyncture, Editor-in-Chief (and creator) of the brainchild that is MANA MIA. This month’s main focus is a description of the many formal clubs now established within the CCG world that you can join and take an active role in; truly, we are a caring, sharing, global hobby at last!

“Other highlights include: a continuation of our re-appraisal of Magic: The Gathering’s Standard environment with series of decks based purely on the number of letters in a spell’s name; elsewhere, Zephid Mousetits suggests a (much more) physical alternative to the Intentional Draw rule, Marty Bunwipe waxes (and wanes) lyrical about Willow Faerie, and humorist Tom Bagel cleverly satirises recent DCI controversy by trotting out innumerable puns on ‘Ferozs Ban,’ ‘Exile,’ and (sigh) ‘Freyalise’s Suppli[EDITED].’

“Finally, the free sachet of Vaseline that was supposed to go out with last month’s MANA MIA will now be given away in the March issue – just in time for Spring Break!”


(A Directory of Associations, Federations, Leagues, Guilds, Unions and Fellowships for players of popular collectable card games)

Club Name: The Dyslexic Magic Players Association (The MPAAD)

Motto: ”All for one, and one for QXZKJJFWQZ”

Membership: Approximately 200

Location: The C.Y.A.M

Meetings: Every Tuesday night, 8 p.m. (or should that be 8 a.m.?)

Games Played: Magic: The Gathering, Scrabble

What to do: Read out the text of every card played / bring a dictionary

What NOT to do: Hold Spelling Bees

Contact: [email protected]

Club Name: The Low IQ Magic Enclave (LIQME)

Motto: ”This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home, this little piggy had roast beef, and this little piggy is mah momma”

Membership: No one can count that high (only three fingers on each of their four hands)

Locations: Billy Jim Bo-Bob’s Banjo Emporium

Meetings: ”Win Paws a-gon fish’n'”

Games Played: Duelling Banjos, Canoeing, Pig ‘Rearing’

What to do: Have large ears and dribble a lot.

What NOT to do: Tell anyone you’re ‘from outta town’

Contact: [email protected]

Club Name: Tourretic [EDITED] Gamers


Membership: (A security patrolled) 17

Location: Special [EDITED] Care Unit, Portland Psychiatric Hospital, you piece of [EDITED]

Meetings: Every [EDITED] Wednesday, after Diazapan

Games Played: Memory Magic, Catatonic [EDITED] Multiplayer (cast no [EDITED] spells)

What to Do: Throw marble bathroom furniture through windows / be lobotomized

What NOT to do: Don’t declare an attack on anyone / pretend to be Robin Williams

Contact: [email protected]

Club Name: Speech-Impaired Gamers Anonymous (SIGA)

Motto: ”Be vewy, vewy quiet – we’re pwaying Magic – ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha”

Membership: Fuh…fuh…fuh…twelve

Location: Thtar Thitty Gaymth

Meetings: Every Thunday and Fwiday

Games Played: M-m-m-m-m-magic, Nuh-Netrunner, Lord of the Wings, Harry Puh-Potter

What to do: Wear a visor

What NOT to do: Ask anyone else to say ‘Stasis,’ or ‘Ranking Points’

Contact: [email protected]

Club Name: The Royal Society for the Protection from Black (RSPB) (previously the RSPR, but it was Whim of Volrath-ed)

Motto: ”One colourless and one black…Chainer’s Edict?”

Membership: Everyone

Location: Every Regional Qualifier in the country

Meetings: Daylight hours only

Games Played: Magic: The Gathering (all formats except type 2)

What to do: Play White, Red, Green, Blue, or Artifacts

What NOT to do: Er..?

Contact: [email protected]

Club Name: The Church Of The Latter Day Sufferers Of Mana Screw

Motto: ”I would’ve won that”

Membership: Bad players who think they’re good and the rest of us.

Location: Usually the next room, but they never have the room when they need it.

Meetings: Weekly, like their protesting after a match loss.

Games Played: Magic: The Gathering, Harry Potter

What to do: Suggest everyone starts with three land/lessons in play

What NOT to do: Play land/lesson destruction decks / mention Dan Bock’s name – oops!

Contact: Pastor Joke ([email protected])

Club Name: Agoraphobic Hobbyists (AHhhhhhhhhhh!)

Motto: ”For people who should get out more”

Membership: One at a time

Location: Under the stairs / in the cellar

Meetings: Usually via Apprentice or NetDRAFT

Games Played: Most CCGs

What to do: Play High Tide / Sabre Bargain

What NOT to do: Open a window

Contact: [email protected]

Ciao babies,

Tony Boydell

[email protected]

P.S. – (plug, plug) Check out my Harry Potter articles at Cutting Edge, too!

P.P.S – Anyone got a Summer Magic Llanowar Elf for sale or trade?

P.P.P.S – Thanks, Pete, for the shiny ‘Rage’!

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