How White Weenie Made Me A Bitch

An overdose of Rocky quotes, random decklists, humiliating pictures, and a paean to White Weenie.

“I love the smell of Napalm in the morning.”

-Some guy, Apocalypse Now, for it’s been at least ten years since I’ve seen it

“I love the smell of Opposition decks in the morning.”

-Michael Clauss, one of the many who”respectfully” disagrees with more than a few of my”issues” – although I’m all set to school Uncle Mike when I head down to Boston on 11/17.

“I love the smell of the warm beer, stale cigarettes, stanky hookers, and a big pile of cho-caine in the morning.”

-Me, for no reason whatsoever, but in keeping with the theme


I’ve always found it curious that people bothered to review sets and cards within days of their release – with a total of zero minutes of playtesting, and certainly less time than that involved in analyzing the rest of the expansion’s effect on the cards that are in the rest of the format.

It’s even more curious when they do it for the”big expansion” that starts off a block. Comparing the new cards to cards that were printed years ago, and most likely were/were not played in a completely different environment, seems to be amazingly counterproductive.

“It’s a bad Falter…”

“Almost as good as Hymn to Tourach…”

“It’s a Hill Giant with an unusable ability…”

And such.

Hey, guess what – maybe a counter for 3UU isn’t actually as awful as you think. And perhaps the fact that it has Flashback might actually turn all of your”compare to what we know” wisdom on its ear, because, well, we really don’t know. Just because it’s no Force of Will, Foil, or Thwart doesn’t necessarily mean it’s automatically crap.

Another thing:

Shut the hell up about Mirari being too damned slow at five with an activation of three.

“It could be good, but it’s too slow.”

“Interesting, but way overcosted.”

Excuse me – maybe they should’ve made it cost two with a zero activation. Then everybody and their drunk-ass dad would be playing Mirari.dec and ruining the environment. Is that what you really want: Ridiculously undercosted power artifacts messing with the program?

Did we not learn anything with Grim Monolith, Voltaic Key, Masticore, etc? Do we need to be trained all over again in the brokenness that is unfair artificia?

“He can’t train to this jungle junk music.”

-Burt Young, Rocky III

Overcosted, my ass. I think Mirari is undercosted by about one to cast and one to activate. If it hits and sticks long enough for you to untap… Well, you’d be fairly ass if you ended up losing that game.

Oh, and Holistic Wisdom is broken all to hell. And no, don’t say”too bad it’s double green”; that’s the only thing that’s preventing you from putting it in your blue deck and abusing the living piss out of it.

Hey – maybe that should’ve been an artifact that cost two with a zero activation! Yeah, that would be great, since every deck could play it and no one would be left out due to color constraints.

“You can’t train him like a colored fighter.”

-Burt Young, Rocky III

Next case.

Look at this:

“[the editors] did the difficult job of trying to balance a [Magic] writing community that has always been dominated by rich American white males from the East Coast.”

-Cathy Nicoloff, Meridian Magic

On the count of three, all fellow Net writers who are from the east coast raise your hands. One…two…three.

Okay, that’s a bunch of you.

On the count of three, all fellow Net writers who are from the east coast and rich raise your hands. One…two…three.

“You got me what… This stupid Ex-Lax watch?”

-Burt Young, realizing that Stallone must be a Magic writer from the east coast, Rocky III


The following excerpts are from the Sideboard’s GP: Montreal coverage, and may or may not offer concrete example of some damned good players succumbing to Bruce:

“Maher surprisingly attacks with all of his creatures; the Mystic Zealot, Pianna, Nomad Captain, and Dreamwinder.”

-Mouth, Maher/Shears semifinal match coverage

Did Maher just send in the troops while having a fair idea that bad times were ahead, or is Shears just that tricky?

More Bruce?

“The following turn Clegg blinks. He taps his Islands and plays Thought Devourer… McKenna is astounded… Clegg says,”So are you going to Overrun me?”…McKenna finally casts the Overrun and swings… Clegg has no surprises and extends his hand.”

-Alex Anderson, Clegg/McKenna quarterfinal match coverage

Clegg”knew” McKenna had the Overrun, but tapped out of blue to play a 4/4. Did he have the Rites of Refusal and decided to”risk” it, or was he simply Desperately Seeking Susan in the form of McKenna not having the Overrun? Or something else?

Hey, Susan. Maybe she’s like a female Bruce or something. Or this:

“Clegg needed an answer in a hurry, so he knocked on his deck – Desperately Seeking Susan. Unfortunately for Dan, the bitch wasn’t home.”

-Me, future match coverage

More Bruce?

“David won the die roll and decided to start things out with a mulligan and was still very visually displeased with his six-card hand but kept it anyways.”

– Jeff Fung, Turian/Rood quarterfinal match coverage

This is a $1,000 and a nice chunk of PT points match – what does”visually displeased” mean?” Could it possibly mean”oh, well, might as well pack this one in?”

And one sentence later…

“Mike showed me his grip and it looked like a loser, as it contained only one land with no relatively cheap spells – but to my surprise, Mike decided to keep it!”

Did Mike give in to his Bruce and just get lucky? Or is he some kind of topdecking monster magnet? Or perhaps he was just riding his high – trusting the”Hand of God” (or, as Michael Granaas would say,”Lenny,” who is the antithesis of Bruce) that he may have felt on his shoulder?

One final Bruce?

“Boileau appeared to be shaken after losing to Turian’s double-mulligan game one. Both players kept their hands, and play began. Boileau stopped playing land after his second turn…”

-Alex Borteh, Turian/Boileau finals match coverage

Do you keep a two-land hand (while shaken, no less) and hope – in the finals against Mike Turian, God of Limited – or do you go down to six? Did Boileau listen to Bruce, who said,”Chief, you are not going to win – might as well keep, get it over with, grab your check and your PT points, and go home and fix yourself a nice bowl of macaroni and cheese?”

Does Bruce jump up on everyone except Turian, or does it just appear that way to me and me alone? Perhaps his Bruce is Talia Shire.

“Apollo thinks you can do it – so do I.”

-Talia Shire, Rocky III

Side note:

Talia Shire is Francis Ford Coppola’s (the director and/or producer of The Godfather trilogy) niece, and I’m sure that had nothing to do with the fact that she got a major role in The Godfather I, II, and III. And Nicholas Cage never got even one little helping hand from Uncle Coppola, either. Heh, check out the credits for”Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and look for Nicholas Coppola. Yeah, that’s ol’ Nicky Cage, who got the bit role purely because he was the best guy for the job. And Sofia Coppola wasn’t total and complete ass in The Godfather III.

Francis Ford Coppola practices nepotism!

Side note two:

Check out the following guys who made their acting debuts in”Fast Times at Ridgemont High”:

Sean Penn

Judge Reinhold

Anthony Edwards

Eric Stoltz

Jennifer Jason-Leigh

Phoebe Cates

Forrest Whitaker

Nicholas Cage, nee Coppola

Not too shabby. But not as amazing as the cast of”The Outsiders”:

Tom Cruise

Rob Lowe

Patrick Swayze

Ralph Macchio

Emilio Estevez

Matt Dillon

C. Thomas Howell – Heh, C. Thomas Howell

Diane Lane

Leif Garrett – Heh, Leif Garrett

We now conclude this segment of”Let’s compare and contrast the cast members of 80’s teenie-bopper movies.”

Next case.

Here’s a few decks that I won’t be playing at States, although at one time or another, I really thought I might:


4x Firebolt

4x Meteor Storm

4x Flame Burst

4x Howling Mine

4x Lithatog

4x Ensnaring Bridge

4x Urza’s Rage

4x Pardic Firecat

4x Grafted Skullcap

10x Mountain

10x Forest

4x Karplusan Forest

This is a deck that gained too much from Odyssey: Flame Burst/Pardic Cat and Lithatog. In case you can’t figure out what the deal is with this bad boy, it’s simple: Draw a lot of cards and burn peeps to death with Burst, Rage, or mostly Meteor Storm, while being able to send in Lithatog (and usually the Cat as well, since who cares if he dies?) every friggin’ turn, for thanks to that cool draw phase thing that we get, he’ll be immune to Ensnaring Bridge. Hella fun, and – yeah, yeah, the deck has weaknesses. So?

Ask Aaron Forsythe what a control deck does against a Meteor Storm that resolves on turn two. And then ask him what it does when Howling Mine and/or Grafted Skullcap resolve. Never mind, I’ll tell you: It loses. In no more than five turns.

(All right, I beat Aaron one game during playtesting for I can’t even remember what event it was, although it was old T2, as I remember – naturally, I feel that I have to brag forever, since my victories against Aaron were few and far between.)

“You were champion, and you did what you had to do.”

-Talia Shire, Rocky III

They Might Be Fatties.dec

4 Llanowar Elves

4 Elvish Lyrist

4 Seeker of Skybreak

4 Nomadic Elf

4 Quirion Sentinel

4 Elvish Archers

4 Elvish Champion

3 Sylvan Messenger or more pump

3 Might of Oaks

4 Giant Growth

4 Explosive Growth

18 Forest

It’s Stompy without those annoying non-elf creatures. Yeah, Hibernation is very bad for this deck and Engineered Plague is much worse, but hey, it’s a bunch of green guys – what do you expect? The friggin’ thing is fast. Real freakin’ fast. Speaking of Engineered Plague

I Think I’m Tech.dec

4x Duress

4x Ravenous Rats

4x Counterspell

4x Phyrexian Rager

4x Shadowmage Infiltrator

3x Engineered Plague

4x Undermine

3x Thought Devourer

4x Thieving Magpie

2x Spite/Malice

11x Island

4x Underground River

4x Salt Marsh

5x Swamp

Guess what? Phyrexian Rager blocks Finkelmage until doomsday, lives to tell the tale, and draws you a card… I likes. Engineered Plague might turn out to be a great maindeck inclusion – or not. But it will kill or neuter (a little) any number of pesky dudes that were stupid enough to have a creature type assigned to them at the factory. The rest of the deck is the rest of the deck. And it freakin’ sucks. Badly. Tip: Finkelmage decks will not win many States’ titles. Even if they use Meddling Mage.

Basically, I’m telling you that I just can’t build a good Finkelmage deck, which is actually fairly providential, since after ten boxes I’ve only found two Finkelmages.

“Young man, you’ve been sent here by providence.”

-The Guy Who Tried To Kill Alex, A Clockwork Orange

Man, I really think I should try to squeeze the word”providence,” and to a lesser extent,”providential,” into my articles and general random vocabulary on a more frequent basis.

Oh, and I apologize for using a non-Rocky III quote.

“Shut yer freakin’ mouth.”

-Burt Young, Rocky III

There, feel better?

And this is the best White Weenie that I can come up with without dirtying it up by adding another color:

Clean White Weenie

4x Longbow Archer

4x Spectral Lynx

4x Patrol Hound

4x Pacifism

2x Lieutenant Kirtar

2x Pianna, Nomad Captain

4x Glorious Anthem

4x Voice of All

4x Disenchant

4x Shelter

20x Plains

4x Caves of Koilos

Go ahead and laugh at Pacifism – why not use Hobble instead? Well, it gets a dude out of my freakin’ way for one, with no exceptions, and knocks out Finkelmage for another. Plus, it’s twice the card that Kirtar’s Desire is, for only double the mana. Shelter, in case you weren’t aware, is, as Nate Heiss would say Scott Teamann would say (but never did)”the bomb-diggitty.”

In looking at the above decks, one thing sticks out like a sore thumb: Pernicious Deed would be a severe beating in this format. Good thing it’s black and green (a has-been that never was), which relegates it to the sucky decks.

“Get out my face – don’t need no has-been messin’ in my corner.”

-Mr. T, Rocky III

However, I am one million percent convinced that White Weenie is the deck to play at States. One million percent convinced. With sexy weenies that get sexier, starting on turn three no less, a multitude of protection from everything and damage prevention, and absolutely no pain or splash needed to maindeck four Disenchants, White Weenie has a little bit of the best of everything. Too bad that I’ll probably go and mess it up by trying to get cute with a splash color.

Check out the list again:

4x Longbow Archer – A 2/2 first striker that can block flyers. Boy, I feel stupid for having to feel that I have to mention his stats – what is this, a Sideboard article? Every bear are belong to Archer. And if someone set him up the bomb, in the form of double Anthem and/or Pianna, he’ll smash right into a Thought Devourer and do his own devourin’. He can do that on turn four. Just because Wild Mongrel exists, it doesn’t mean this guy is not one of the best two-drops in Type 2.

4x Spectral Lynx – I wonder if there will be any green cards at States? Pro: green and regeneration in a two-drop (again with the stats!) – those seem like fair abilities. But let’s see…

What do blue’s bears do? Well, they fly if you’re happy with four cards in hand or pay an extra mana per blue spell. Black’s? They either can’t block, are 1/1s, or do some funny stuff that involves a lot of text and that no one actually cares about anyway. Red’s? They have more restrictions on them than Anthony Alongi contests.

(Is this the part where I insert”but I still love ya’ Double A?” like everyone else would? Or am I supposed to use a smiley face to denote sarcasm and a sense of playful teasing? Perhaps a”heh?” Maybe a”LOL?” I’m not sure, but I’ll check the Internet Guide To Playful And/Or Witty Banter and get back to y’all, for I’m new at adding disclaimers at the end of such obviously non-malicious statements. Although, much like Cathy Nicoloff noted, I am indeed white and from the east coast – I’m still waiting for the rich part, though.)

Hey, maybe rich people didn’t just sit around on their asses all day waiting to become rich.

Nah, they probably did.

4x Patrol Hound – This guy is the crappiest two-drop in the deck, but he’ll still kick a lot of dudes that think they’re better two-drops. The”discard a card to give this dude first strike” is a serious warning sign – but hey, we’re working with clay here, thus, cue”Unchained Melody” and tell Demi Moore to hop her ass over to my cribbo. Oh wait, I’m currently in between cribbos.

4x Pacifism – How can anyone not think this card is amazing in this format? Save your breath telling me about Repulse and other bouncey stuff; this shuts down virtually every creature in Type 2. For two freakin’ mana.

Fun thing that happened in playtesting:

I dropped a kicked Desolation Angel on my other self (playing White Weenie) and thought I was cool, which of course, I was. However, my other self calmly dropped a land, took five points of love, dropped another land and said”Sup, self? I’mma neutralize your Angel for two freakin’ mana.” I was not amused at all, even though I knew it was coming.

2x Lieutenant Kirtar – His legendary status is making me think that there could be many”I got my Kirtar first… It’s your move, Sparky” battles, a la Lin-Sivvi in MBC, Type 2, Extended, whatever. I also have a feeling that this bird guy will take a whole bunch of Finkelmages with him on his way out, because people think that U/B deck is good or something.

2x Pianna, Nomad Captain – More legendary fun for all y’all, and the fact that he only boosts your dudes when he attacks is a small price to pay for said boost. This will be even more of the”I got my legend before you, n’yah, n’yah” battle which we’ve all come to know and love. On turn five, you can have (often too) all your dudes getting +2/+2 when they serve. White fatties? And we thought we’d miss Crusade.

4x Glorious Anthem – You can play Divine Sacrament, but in an environment that promises to have White Weenie mirrors all the live long day, do you really want to help out your opponent? If you insist on being Mr. Nice Guy, buy him a friggin’ Coke after the match… And use Anthems instead of Sacraments. You’ll thank me, and then you can buy me a Coke -er, Diet Coke.

4x Voice of All – With many decks streamlining down to one or two colors, it will be much easier to get this guy to stay put. U/B will have Recoil, Repulse, or Rushing River game one; pro: blue is good times – all your Finkels and Magpies and Devourers are belong to awful translations. R/B will have Rage, and other assorted red spells – barring the random Void here and there, fattie Angel will live long enough to either block like a champ or be in on the kill. And who the hell is going to use any black creature kill, except for Spite/Malice? And there’s a big ol’ maybe on that.

4x Disenchant – Yes, four are necessary. No, I don’t foresee siding them out – ever. Seen the ridiculous amount of sideboard hate that comes in the form of an enchantment? Thought so. Still, I’ll pretend to side them out if that makes you feel any better.

4x Shelter – If I have to tell you why this card is a potential game winner, then you might be as bad at Magic as I am.

20x Plains – That’s right: twenty of ’em – all basic. Mana screw is Ass Tech – enough to convince me that, even though there are only four spells that cost four mana in the entire deck, I’ll risk the flood that happens in fifteen percent of the games for the smooth mana draws that happen in the other eighty-five. And since there are too many weenies, when I hit four land I can get cute and stop playing land, which will frighten everyone into thinking that someone set me up the bomb.

FrigginRizzo: <---Never fully exploited the"All your base" trend, and making up for it now.

4x Caves of Koilos – For when you absolutely, positively, need a Spectral Lynx to survive. In IBC, I thought that four Caves were unnecessary, however, I think I’ve seen the light – this guy wants to live. Badly. And you’ll want him to live. Badly.

I think the above deck is good. And I’m glad that you don’t, which means that you won’t be playing it at States. Hey, guess what? If you think you can just show up at the event and finagle yourself a few Finkels, well, chief, think again, unless you want to spend ten to twelve bucks a pop (or more). Yeah, yeah,”I’ll trade for ’em.” Dude, no you won’t.

Who reading this is willing to trade their Finkels?

Okay, you and you and that other guy. That’s three people. The other ten thousand (heh, always the optimist, ain’t I?) remain curiously silent.

“They would’ve kicked yours and Lunchboxes’ ass if I hadn’t’a represented.”

-Jason Mewes, Dogma

No, there’s no relevance, but it’s been like two pages since the last movie quote.

Sideboard idears:

The techiest mirror match tech that was ever invented:

Dominaria’s Judgment.

What’s that do again?

Dominaria’s Judgment 2W


Until end of turn, creatures you control gain protection from white if you control a Plains…and that’s all that’s important on this card.

Hi, I blocked and killed your whole team, or better yet… Mind if I attack with all my guys and they all get through and you, um, like die?

“But it doesn’t protect your guys in any other matches,” I correctly anticipated you saying. Allow me to respond:


Aegis of Honor might be a good idea, what with Rages and whatnot flying around like nobody’s business. But, man, does this card seem like the ultimate cheese festival or what?

Wanna stop Finkelmage cold? Drop a Delaying Shield. And you don’t even have to pay 1W during your upkeep: He only draws his controller upon combat damage being dealt, which won’t matter – if you don’t pay the 1W, you’ll lose one life, which is – wait for it – not combat damage.

Fearing a Rage wif da’ kicks? With a Shield in play, you can put twelve counters on that bad boy, and Disenchant it at end of turn or during your upkeep. Viola! Where’d that twelve uncounterable, unpreventable damage run off too?

I could be wrong about Da’ Shield, and if I am, I’m sure someone will correct me, to which I will reply:

“Hey, looky here – it’s Johnny Rules Lawyer!”

I love white. I mean, when it’s used responsibly, of course.

“The government is responsible. The government is responsible. The government is responsible. The government is responsible.”

-Flavor Text on the first Public Enemy album. Yes, I said”album.”

Divine Sacrament can go in the side if you wish to add a few more Crusades against anyone foolish enough to not play White Weenie. And they’re’ll (when you need a gimmick in a hurry, just invent a new double contraction!) be a hella lot not playing the whites to the weenies.

Mystic Crusader was, for a week or so, a main deck dude. A 2/1 for 1WW with protection that often times was useless was enough to relegate him to the side – and a maybe at that. Know that package that someone set us up the bomb in? Well, he wasn’t in it.

CoPs and Spheres might not be bad. Blue and Green would be the ones I’d think would rizule. Still, CoPs and Spheres are such wussy cards.

The Kill a Token dude… Um, yeah.

Someone, somewhere, please stop including Devoted Caretaker in your White Weenie decklists; he has a nerdy ability that is borderline irrelevant. Still, people will aim way too much removal at him when he still sick. I guess the hype, if you believe it, is to be believed.

Sandstone Deadfall… Well, someone might think that funny”pro: everything” angel is good times. I doubt it, but one can never tell, now can they?

“You got me curious.”

-Sylvester Stallone, Rocky III

I’m going to bed. As they say in the aol chats: L8ter, which is much easier than typing”Later,” believe you me.

See you tomorrow! 😉

“There is no tomorrow!”

-Carl Weathers, Rocky III

It’s a damn shame that I’ll likely play White Weenie, because I really wanted to maindeck 4x Cremate… Hey, maybe in the side!

This freakin’ deck beats the hell out of my damned White Weenie (at least before boarding):

//NAME: Untitled Dreck

4x Shock

4x Firebolt

4x Mogg Sentry

4x Rotting Giant

4x Minotaur Explorer

4x Shivan Zombie

4x Terminate

4x Volcanic Hammer

4x Ember Beast

4x Urza’s Rage

4x Barbarian Ring

16x Other Lands

Killing way too many dudes is good times, and serving with a 3/3 on turn three is as well, not to mention killing way too many dudes. You may ask”What about pro: red and black dudes with Worship?” I may respond with something about a land that deals two to stuff, that sometimes even works, or I may mention a card called”Void,” which tends to deal with those pesky guys fairly well.

I know the deck sucks, but hey, it can be the start of something beautiful. Stompy hates it too, even with Giant Growth and the like. Who the hell knows? Oh, and it loses to anything with Repulse or counters, just like all R/B decks should.

Oh, and White Weenie kills it, like, real bad, games two and three.

“I’m gonna crucify him, real bad.”

-Mr. T, the king of redundancy, Rocky III

Here’s a couple more ideas that may elicit a chuckle:

//NAME: Untitled Deck

2x Syncopate

4x Memory Lapse

4x Counterspell

2x Exclude

2x Repulse

4x Fire/Ice

1x Sudden Impact

1x Evacuation

2x Rushing River

1x Persuasion

1x Divert

4x Fact or Fiction

4x Urza’s Rage

3x Holistic Wisdom

1x Wild Research

4x Shivan Reef

3x Mountain

1x Forest

10x Island

2x Yavimaya Coast

4x Karplusan Forest

This deck has problems (no kidding), but when it does get rolling, which is more often than you may think, it’s unstoppable. Holistic Wisdom is the key to victory, with the counters and burn keeping you in life totals that are positive integers. As with any deck that sports Wild Research, there are many one-ofs to handle annoying things that may come up. With Wisdom and Research out, you don’t really care if the card you Researched for gets discarded, since you can get it back again… And again… And again: aside from the game-winning enchantments, the friggin’ deck is all instants, yo! How nutty is that?



Like a Fact or Fiction every turn?

How about a Rage every turn?

Maybe a Sudden Impact every turn?

And would you like all of the above with counter backup?

Think Haunting Echoes or Traumatize might need banned? Think again; it’s da’ Wisdom, y’all – the street knowledge and the witnessing of the strength of said street knowledge that is waiting for Godot (and to be broken).

It doesn’t get much more fun than the following deck. However, if you’re the kind of guy that doesn’t like to teeter on the edge of just-about-dying, then this deck, or it’s derivations of, is not for you. But it’ll be hella fun at the kitchen table regardless.

//NAME: Untitled Deck

3x Sterling Grove

2x Pernicious Deed

4x Phyrexian Arena

2x Holistic Wisdom

1x Overgrown Estate

4x Vindicate

4x Duress

4x Gerrard’s Verdict

3x Death Grasp

1x Gerrard’s Wisdom

1x Kirtar’s Wrath

1x Wrath of God

4x Orim’s Chant

1x Desolation Angel

1x Sabertooth Nishoba

1x Spiritmonger

7x Swamp

5x Plains

4x Llanowar Wastes

4x Elfhame Palace

4x Caves of Koilos

2x Forest

It’s almost entirely based upon getting out an Arena and finding a Holistic Wisdom, which will let you draw a boatload of cards and recycle all the crappy turn ten Duresses for Death Grasps and Vindicates or Wraths, or extra enchantments for Deeds, which keeps you alive long enough to drop a fattie and just win. Or Grasp for a whole bunch.

Most of my”comboish” decks are ass tech, but this one is hella fun to play, and it actually has the potential to be decent. Now, to figure out a mana base that doesn’t friggin’ kill me to death.

“This guy’ll kill ya’ to death inside of three rounds.”

-Burgess Meredith, Rocky IIII

There are a ton of cool plays up in here, and none are as cheesy as tapping down your lands during upkeep.

And why doesn’t anyone think Orim’s Chant is as good as I think it is? Oh, they must’ve compared it to Abeyance when they reviewed Planeshift and realized that it’s not a cantrip and then just plum forgot about it. It doesn’t have the magic words:

Draw a card.

If I never hear the words”it helps you cycle through your deck” again, I’ll kiss my own grits.

Here’s an idea: why not just fill your deck with good cards in the first place, and then you won’t need to cycle through your deck to find your good cards, since you’ll already have one in your friggin’ hand? Yes, this pertains mostly to Limited, but I’ve heard it a little in reference to Constructed as well.


After last week’s cry for help, I received a ton of decklists that seem like they could be decent contenders. I physically built at least half of them, with the remainder being Apprentice fodder, but what I found was one thing:

White Weenie is too darned consistent – not a lot of tricks; not a lot of fatties; not a lot of anything that looks like it should just win, but what it does have is a lot of consistency. It drops good dudes and more good dudes and then makes them bigger and just wins the battle of dudes. With utility as well.

There are no wrong questions, only wrong answers, and White Weenie has a whole bunch of questions, while not totally ignoring the fact that your opponent may be a little inquisitive himself.

How can you not love that?

Wakefield may have been right about everything, but White Weenie is White Weenie, thus, immune to each and every theorem that can be advanced. Pretty much.


About ten years ago, when I lived in Oakland and was pool player poker guy, me and my roommates were hanging at a pool hall when we met two members of The Four Horsemen, whom you may remember from their early 90’s MTV hit”Rockin’ Is My Business (And Business Is Good).” We rolled craps for an hour or so, taking most of their per diem cash from their record label, and eventually we invited them back to our apartment for some poker.

Did ya’ catch the sexual innuendo? Thought you did, you pigs.

‘Twas in the midst of beating them like stepchildren when I learned that Rick Rubin produced their album. So anxious was I to make the acquaintance of said producer/discoverer of such luminaries as The Beastie Boys, Public Enemy, and LL Cool J, that I gave them one of my seriously unpolished Johnny Rapper Guy tapes with instructions to hand it directly to no one but the esteemed DJ Double R.

What pitiful cash remained on their persons was soon not remaining on their persons, but they still let us hang on their tour bus the next night (all I can remember is a video that they were watching that involved farm animals and the exploitation of such), and gave us back stage passes to their show. Everything you’ve ever heard about backstage at rock shows is true. Everything you saw in”Almost Famous” is true.

And I still haven’t heard back from Rick Rubin.

And it pisses me off, dammit!

Point? Well, no. Okay, yeah…I guess the point is to, um, don’t become a featured writer, ’cause you’ll end up like me and run out of ideas and just fill up space with random life events that no one really cares about and probably skip right past anyway. Or maybe the point is that Rick Rubin could be really bored at work one day, go to Google, type in his name, and be linked to this article. Perhaps then he would read it, become intrigued, and hook me up with a record deal and hos and fat gold chains and a sideways baseball cap and whatnot, and then I could look like this:

“What’s a matter with you?!”

-Carl Weathers, Rocky III

I hereby nominate myself as Bitch of the Month.

“You are a bitch!”

-Judd Nelson, The Breakfast Club

Hey, I have a good excuse: I’m still reeling from Aaron’s going away party. But more on that next week, if I don’t end up sobbing like a little… anyone… anyone at all…


Oh, and one final piece of”advice”: Don’t play White Weenie at States.

‘Cause I want to.

John Friggin’ Rizzo