I saw someone write recently that they are sick of Magic writers opening articles with a short paragraph indicating what they are to be talking about in the rest of said article. As such, I have an abrupt start that gives you no idea where we are coming from or going to—figure it out yourself.
You’re welcome!
After a McDonalds breakfast we were on the motorway by nine-thirty, just a couple hundred miles of road between us and our destination. Josh and I had a celebratory “start of holiday” pull from a bottle of Jack in the back seat; Mills was driving; and Glenn had somehow tricked us all into playing an infuriating game of “Spot the Eddie Stobart lorries.”
“Stobart,” announced Glenn without much effort. We all swore at him for the umpteenth time, his eagle eyes defeating us all again by a fraction of a second.
“What was that Battle of Wits story you mentioned, then?” I tried to distract him from the game.
“So Barry Horwood rocks up at this PTQ with a 250-card deck that he’s tuned within an inch of his life, or so he said. Sits down round 1, draws his hand… And in it is a Plains with “Battle of Wits” written on it in felt-tip pen. He’d forgotten to put them in his deck. That’s your day ruined, right there!” We howled with laughter. “Oh and guess what?”
“What?”
“Stobart.”
Let’s just say it was a LONG 200 miles, even doing 80 the whole way…
(Now, how confusing is that without the context of a proper introduction?)
THURSDAY
We arrived for GB Nationals in Sheffield shortly before lunch and quickly headed to the venue for a meet and greet involving lots of handshakes, hugs, and me lending out cards to my more proficient friends. A quick Winston draft with Josh’s cube had the expected result (Glenn drawing a lot of lands and getting annoyed, me playing badly and winning anyway), before Paul (@mixedknuts‘ new best friend) joined us and we drove to the other side of town for the scheduled football (soccer…) game.
An hour and a half was quite an ambitious booking from Neil Rigby considering our average level of fitness, and as expected we (The South) were crushed in the opening game about 7-3. By that time though too many people had turned up for a 5-a-side pitch to accommodate us all at once, so we stopped and drafted four teams, just like back at school.
And just like back at school, I was picked last. Only this time there was no booing and shouts of “you’re rubbish” during games, but rather an encouraging atmosphere where everyone was more appreciative than disdainful of each other’s efforts, however meager. All quite heartening, really.
I would have scored two but for the cat-like reflexes of goalkeeping superstar Wen-Jie Lee; in a stunning performance Rich Hagon actually did score two, and despite dashing about like a madman, Rigby couldn’t have scored with a paper bag full of twenties and Bruce Grobelaar in goal. A further note on Wen-Jie’s keeping: as it turns out, in a world of 2/2s, a 0/5 wall with reach is king. Hard to believe he was picked fifth!
The real highlight though was Mills having to wear my god-awful white and neon Brokencyde t-shirt (hey, I did get it for free…), and utterly detesting every second of it. (He’s quite the music elitist, see. His own band, crustpunkers Cavity Search, has just released their debut album, “Another Day At The Orifice,” by the way.)
FRIDAY
Up bright and early for the first day of Nationals, I offered my assistance to the coverage team, as various friends sat down to compete. This was my second time doing so, having started exploring the possibilities at GP London—for a Magic player who knows he’ll never be great at the game and had little time to test, let alone play, but loves to write, it seems like a good use of my time. My aim on this occasion was to have at least one item published on the website, which I quickly achieved (in a way) by typing up all the LCQ decklists. First of these was none other than Charlie Grover, who I predicted would grind in last time.
Next was a feature match between fellow SCG searcher Tom Reeve (U/R Pyromancer Ascension, as predicted*) and Jim Corwood, playing Conley Woods‘ R/B Chandra deck. I managed to keep up through all three games (an achievement in itself), but the final piece required more editing than could be done to get it up on time. I may tidy it up for my blog later though, as game three was a stunner.
(*= this was the point at which the wheels fell off and my predictions stopped being stunningly accurate, btw)
After picking through a box file of decklists, my metagame analysis did make the grade though, which you can see here. It was certainly nice to see only 2/11 4-0s running Caw-Blade, and a diverse range of decks all over. I was a little sad none of the mill decks broke through in the end though 🙁
After the draft Paul showed me this selection of cards he had taken:
And yet he somehow managed to only 2-1 with that. What a joker.
Day one in the books, Paul and I started off our evening session with a full mixed grill AND a beer for £8.90, while everyone else had a KFC Box O’ Filth for about two quid less and then wished they hadn’t. We had a couple beers in Wetherspoon’s, and then Mills and I fancied what looked very much like a rock/metal pub next door. However, some new guy tagging along with us was adamant it was a gay pub and was equally adamant (phobicly so) that he “wasn’t going in no gay place.” He instead promised us a “cabaret bar” he’d heard wildly good things about, and no one could be bothered to argue with him.
Thus we were led to a place called “Affinity,” and based on the name and the fact we had to pay to get in, we knew it was going to be something special. Up the stairs we went, through a big double door, and into a small room containing: an empty dance floor, two short-haired women making out on a couch, a few older guys obviously looking us up and down, and a bar with a rainbow flag behind it.
It’s official: Affinity is gay.
The new guy nearly died and stood with his back flat against a wall hyperventilating. The rest of us shrugged and got a quick beer in so as not to be rude, before we headed out in search of somewhere a little more lively and suitable.
After having a shoe thrown at us (narrowly missed) by a group of hooligan children in the town center, we stumbled into a large and noisy Yates’. To explain, Yates’ are much like Wetherspoon’s—large chain pubs with a huge bar serving cheap drinks and an open dance floor with a DJ playing chart music on the weekends.
Only, this one, being in The North, was completely mental.
At least 50% of the women present were barefoot and didn’t appear to be carrying shoes either. Men were drinking not from bottles or pint glasses, but directly from pitchers. People seemed to be out not only with their girl/boyfriends, but with their parents in tow as well. A man in a very good quality Captain Morgan costume was giving out free rum and posing for photos. It was definitely one of those rare “so bad it’s not at all bad anymore but in fact totally awesome” places.
(L-R: Mills, Paul, Ben, Josh, me)
Over the next few hours we drank far too many vodka Red Bulls; Josh nearly had his face smashed in twice (once by a bouncer for breakdancing, once because some lad’s girl had taken a shine to his dancing); and I got some aftershave from the “no spray, no lay!” guy in the toilets just so I didn’t have to smell everyone else (sick tech). A good time had by all.
About 1 am Mills and I left, both intending to play the next morning. We were a couple hundred yards away from our hotel’s entrance when we passed a pair of 20-something women. We carried on going, but a few seconds later Mills tapped me on the shoulder:
“Alright then Dan, I’m off.”
I stopped, turned, and was about to ask “What?!”, but by that time he was indeed off, with a girl on each arm and heading back into town. I believe that is what those in the “rap game” refer to as “mad swag.”
SATURDAY
5 am, I was woken by Mills crashing into the room, shouting “WAKE ME UP FOR NATS YEA?” He was asleep (fully clothed, naturally) before his head hit the pillow. I rolled over and went back to sleep.
8.30 am, and waking him up again was… challenging. I got my task done though, and we left the hotel in time to play our respective tournaments, though not before Mills got a good luck high-five out of a confused receptionist. He didn’t get the 7-0 he needed to Top 8 but managed to 2-1 the draft just fine:
Meanwhile, I downed a can of Red Bull and a bottle of water, which washed away the slight hangover, and signed up to Vintage Nationals.
Creatures (22)
- 2 Ichorid
- 1 Flame-Kin Zealot
- 4 Golgari Grave-Troll
- 2 Golgari Thug
- 4 Stinkweed Imp
- 1 Angel of Despair
- 4 Narcomoeba
- 4 Bloodghast
Lands (14)
Spells (24)
On the deck: I’d started off with the newly popular Fatestitcher Dredge list minus the fast mana and with two maindeck Ancient Grudge, but was quickly convinced that Sun Titan and Fatestitcher were in fact rubbish without said supporting cards. So I went back to something like Matt Elias Serene Dredge (3rd post here) which I’d played in Paris; only there was no way in hell I was playing Chalice of the Void.
Seriously, I bought a playset of them for $12 each, and in four tournaments playing Dredge they have done precisely NOTHING. I asked Vintage master Rob Elkin for a replacement, and he said Unmask, so who was I to argue? I figured a lot of people would be playing the GushBob decks so wanted two Darkblast main; the second Dakmor Salvage seemed reasonable to help cast it and return Bloodghasts more frequently, and Angel of Despair was chosen over Terastodon because I have a foil one. Also I pitched it to Unmask once, so that was nice.
Finally: I would be using the pimpest Zombie tokens Wizards of the Coast has ever printed, so was feeling good about my chances:
Round 1 — Sam Parker (Fatestitcher Dredge)
People say Vintage is all about turn 1 and 2 kills. Well, that’s a total lie, as I won the first game on turn zero by putting a Leyline of the Void into play. Sam (who, unbeknown to me at the time, is PTQ regular Seb Parker’s younger brother) was obviously on Dredge then.
I boarded in some Chain of Vapor (just in case), Elesh Norn, Grand Cenobite, and Firestorm for the terrible Unmasks and a couple something else.
Game two Sam mulliganed further than I did, but with the play and a Fatestitcher to unearth using his Black Lotus, was effectively two turns ahead of me, and it was an easy win after I pointed out he could just Dread Return Flame-Kin Zealot rather than the Sun Titan he was originally going for. Game three he had a stunning Leyline of the Void, double Bazaar of Baghdad hand, which my slow triple-mulligan to Bazaar hadn’t a hope against.
Afterwards I gave him a few tips on piloting the deck—he’d never played it before, so was missing some Bloodghast triggers and activating Bazaar after his draw step and not before. Fairly standard things I was doing when I first picked Dredge up too. When his brother asked me about our match later in the day, he was very annoyed, as apparently he’d told Sam about these things already!
0-1
Round 2 — Nick Collins (Menendian GushBob)
Game one Nick had no quick win or maindeck hate, so despite a mulligan to two cards, I got the job done unopposed because one of them was Bazaar. Game two, I made what I can only describe as a masterful keep:
Dakmor Salvage, City of Brass, City of Brass, Stinkweed Imp, Stinkweed Imp, Stinkweed Imp.
My reasoning being my opponent was probably looking for graveyard hate and probably wouldn’t have anything else any time soon. I won after taking at least fourteen damage from my lands, hardcasting Serum Powder so I could hardcast Ichorid and then Chain of Vapor his Vendilion Clique while he was tapped low, to get through for the final point of damage.
1-1
Round 3 — Simon Cooper (Affinity)
Simon and I played last year, in a video feature match by Alex at DeckConstruct—my first outing with the deck—and as Simon pointed out, I haven’t gotten a lot faster at playing it since then (sorry mate!). This time around Simon was playing a different deck, which he’d had to get his wife to Fedex to him from back home in the US; fortunately it arrived just in time!
Game one I did what Dredge does in game ones, and he noted that he did in fact have a couple of maindeck Tormod’s Crypt, just hadn’t seen them. Lucky me, as it would’ve been a total blowout. Game two, I drew an opening hand with Bazaar, two other lands, and two of my killer sideboard card, Serenity. I Cabal Therapied a Thoughtcast out of his hand and saw no graveyard hate, then destroyed all of his permanents on turn 4. It wasn’t much of a game.
2-1
Round 4 — Tim Power (U/R Fish)
Game one was actually a game for once, as Tim’s first turn Wasteland on my Bazaar brought me grinding to a halt, followed by his Grim Lavamancer proving accident-prone to remove my first two Bridges from my graveyard. Got there in the end though. Game two was a real challenge, as I had my first two Bridges removed in exchange for a pair of zombie tokens, but messed up and had the second two removed to a Cursecatcher sacrifice I could’ve not played into. We ended up racing, but the second Dakmor Salvage to recur my Bloodghasts was crucial, allowing me to use them first to Dread Return a huge Golgari Grave-Troll, then win with four cards in my library.
3-1
Round 5 — Kevin Rogers (Turbo Tezz)
Won game one, then game two I lost due to a judgment call—turn 1, do I land Cabal Therapy, or Bazaar? I decided to take my time and be cautious, and it ended up being wrong; Kevin had kept his hand on the basis of a quick Tinker for Blightteel Colossus, which I would have actually beaten had I opened on Bazaar instead.
Game three looked dire for me, but I was pretty sure I had it in the bag. I cast Nature’s Claim on Time Vault when Kevin went to untap it with Voltaic Key, and on his next turn I was going to Darkblast his Yixlid Jailer and then bounce his Leyline of the Void, leaving me free to use both of my Bazaars at the end of his turn, then in my own upkeep. But he topdecked Yawgmoth’s Will instead.
3-2
Round 6 — Lewis Samuel (GushBob/Vintage Control?)
“Are you Dan Barrett the writer?” asked Lewis as we shook hands and sat down, filling me with a warm sense of satisfaction (no, not like that).
We had a good chat during our round, but the games weren’t really there I’m afraid to say. In the first I mulliganed seven times (including two Serum Powders for four), then drew stone nothing for about ten turns. In the second I kept a hand similar to that against Nick Collins, and opened with double Cabal Therapy, the second taking Lewis’s only gas, Dark Confidant. There was another on the top of his deck though, followed by a lot more action including a Jace, while I elected not to hardcast my Bridge from Belows.
3-3
I was a little disappointed to lose back to back win-and-in’s, but ended up 12th out of 38, enjoyed myself, and even got a couple of packs for my trouble. Far from the worst tournament I’ve played in, and as ever the Vintage crowd was a joyfully friendly bunch.
After gleefully watching two friends (Dan Royde and Kevin Blake) make it into the Nats Top 8, I went out for drinks with the guys, and then a curry for Graham Baker’s birthday. As it turns out, he is much older than I’d thought at 64—and in what hobby other than Magic do teenagers and 50- and 60-somethings hang out as equals?! Bloody brilliant.
After curry Mills and I were both tired and stuffed, and I wanted to take up Rich Hagon challenge of covering a quarterfinal the next day, so to bed we went instead of Corporation. If my absence there affected you in any way, please do come to London and we’ll go to an equivalent club (Electric Ballroom) sometime. 😉
SUNDAY
As you can see here, I got there on the coverage front, with my third feature match ever being handed in with only minimal edits and within ten minutes of the match finishing.
After that I spent the rest of the day watching various side-events—a couple of interesting board states from the 15-card highlander:
(And a report from the lovable Rob Wagner, who split the final again.)
Then before finally heading home, played a little prank with Josh. If it’s not evident already, Glenn drew a LOT of lands, and found this VERY frustrating. We were watching him play a grab-bag draft game, in which the combination of many turns and a Dreamscape Artist had finally taken every land out of his deck. Josh played distraction duty on one side, while I put a Swamp on top. Cue Glenn’s draw step, a priceless facial expression, and a full minute of roaring laughter. A good end to our long weekend.
PROPS
Charlie Grover and Quentin Martin, for entering events of formats they had never played a game of (Legacy and Vintage) and dominating them nonetheless (finishing 2nd and 1st). Obvious masters.
Louis Hughes, for being my number one fan, and making sure to tell me all his amusing stories (of varying degrees of believability).
Dan Royde, for bringing the trophy home for London. We may joke that we can play much faster than you and it’s just the lucky shirt, but we love you really.
Everyone else who made it a very enjoyable four days, from TO Glen White, to the judge staff, and all the other players I had laughs with.
SLOPS
Phil Dickinson, Tim Willoughby, Nathan Gotlib, and Pete Dun, for not being there. 🙁
Seb Parker, for falling asleep on his drive home, crashing his car, and nearly dying. You scared us. On a serious note, players who drive home from events late at night: please stop for a rest and get a Red Bull in you. We don’t want to be organizing or attending any more memorial tournaments than there already are.
Dan Barrett
@dangerawesome