Down And Dirty – Take These Broken Wings: An Extended PTQ

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Kyle Sanchez (KS): Hello?

Billy Moreno (BM): Hey Kyle, is there a PTQ this weekend?

KS: Yeah… itchy?

BM: Yeah. I’ve got a chemical burn on my hand, and it itches like a really close shave. Do you have a deck?

KS: One – You never shave. Two – Little short notice, y’know… it’s Thursday…

BM: I’ll play whatever…

KS: Do you want Dredge, Hulk Breach, King in the Castle, or a duplicate copy of the deck I’m playing?

BM: Probably Dredge. Get me Zac Hill version. What’s Hulk Breach?

BM: Cute. I really like the sideboard. I think I’ll stick with Dredge. I was also thinking Sickening Shoal for the sideboard.

KS: Don’t you want to know what I’m playing?

BM: Sure.

KS: I’m not sure I’m playing it yet, because I might switch to KITC or Dredge, but its a RBg deck using Confidant, Crusher, Top, and Goyf.

BM: Crusher is that new Red guy with that upkeep land ability, right?

KS: Yeah.

BM: I like him. What’s the rest of the list?

BM: Hmm, I like the BobTopCrusher. Dunno about everything else.

KS: I gotta go. I’ll pick you up tomorrow around seven, and we’ll crash in Austin for the night at Jeff’s dorm.

BM: Have you talked to Jeff?

KS: Nah, but he will almost always go out of his way to accommodate for you.

BM: True… gimme a call when you’re passing the outlet mall in San Marcos.

KS: Later, homey.

BM: See ya!

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Kyle Sanchez (KS): Hello?

Jeff (JM): Hey Kyle, it’s Jeff. Billy just called me. Are you coming up to Austin today?

KS: Oh yeah, I forgot to call you. Can we crash with you tonight?

JM: Of course! Is there a PTQ tomorrow or something?

KS: Fo sho… you wanna go?

JM: Do you have a deck?

KS: Yeah, I got you covered.

JM: Okay, but we’ll take my car, and Billy can drive.

KS: There’s enough room in my car, and I don’t really wanna leave it in Austin all Saturday.

JM: Come on… I’ll pay for the gas and everything. You’re a bad driver.

KS: Am not! You’re the fool who thought a ditch in the middle of the road was an on-ramp to an underground freeway.

JM: It was a huge ditch, and this isn’t negotiable.

KS: Fine… I’m on my way to San Marcos to pick up Billy. We’ll be there in a couple.

JM: I might be at dinner when you get here, so just gimme a call when you get into town.

KS: Will do. Peace!

JM: Later.

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Kyle Sanchez (KS): Hello?

Mike (M): Yo, its Mike. I’m at an elite comic book retailers’ conference in Austin. I’ve got an extra pass that my brother is using if you wanna come up for the night…

KS: Actually, I’m in San Marcos right now. I just picked up Billy Moreno, and we’re gonna head up to Austin for the night.

M: Tight. Hit me up when you get here. I’m taking shots with Jim Lee right now, and we might have enough for a little poker game if you two wanna play.

KS: Poker with The Jim Lee?!

M: You know I hook you up! Did you have time to pimp out all those decks you built yesterday?

KS: I pimped mine out with all your foil Japanese fetchlands and took a bunch of APAC lands out of your box, and yanked your foil Goyfs, Mutavaults, and Japanese Countryside Crushers. But the dredge and KITC decks are just Japanesed out. I’m riding with well over three thousand dollars of your cards. If I get into a car accident and my car explodes, you’re gonna be screwed.

M: I’ll kill you… Hit me up when you get into Austin.

KS: Later.

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Kyle Sanchez (KS): Yo.

Steve Sadin (SS): SaaaaAaaancheZ!

KS: Wuddup Sadin?

SS: Nothing. What’s happening, man?

KS: Actually, I’m just sitting across from a bearded legend that has protection from judges.

SS: No way! It’s not the same since he moved back to Texas. Say hi to him for me.

KS: Sadin says hi, Billy. Billy says hi, Stevie.

SS: So what are you two up to?

KS: Just eating a grilled chicken sandwich with cheese, plain and dry.

SS: That sounds good. What’s Billy eating?

KS: Double meat cheese burger with bacon. Looks like he’s got some tomatoes and some light lettuce on there. We’re also tuning some decks for a PTQ tomorrow.

SS: Playing the RBg deck from your article last week?

KS: Yeah, but we made a lot of changes.

SS: Wow, that looks sick. Tribal Flames is so good.

KS: Billy’s idea. Gives the deck a little bit more umph, and doesn’t cost RRR. The fetchlands compliment Crusher and are good late game draws thanks to Top. Another cool feature is that Top can allow you to draw lands if you need some more mana. And when you have Confidant working with the other two, the deck is like a pimped out Skyline.

SS: Whats ‘a Skyline?

KS: A car…

SS: Oh, neat. Why only 2 Mutavault? Seems like it’d be good to sneak in damage for the sideboard combo.

KS: Yeah, but we only have four total, so we’re just gonna split them. Three is probably the optimal amount, cutting a Stomping Ground most likely.

SS: What are the matchups like?

KS: Thanks to the sideboard game 2, Affinity, Dredge, and any midrange decks are almost impossible to lose to. And the maindeck is good enough to sneak a lot of game 1 wins away. The real trick is what to do for game 3. If we win via Draco game 2 they are gonna change their deck, so it’s just a matter of deciding whether they have enough problematic cards to make it hard for you to win with Explosion. If you think they’re packin’, you can just go back to the tight streamlined aggro deck. Moment’s Peace is so good right now.

SS: Boseiju?

KS: Gets around any Blue-based decks that have Counterbalance or a bunch of other permission. I wanted to have Ancient Grudge in the sideboard, but again it was Billy’s idea, I doubt I will use ‘em much. He’s also trying to convince me that Top is good enough to be banned.

SS: Whaaaaat? I love Top!

KS: Yeah, that’s the point. Everyone loves it, and everyone plays it. His argument is that its power level is high enough to be banned, but since everyone has access it’s kind of hard to snip it.

SS: Yeah, they should probably ban it. It’s far too good. And what happens when Extended rotates and Counterbalance can finally stretch its legs…?

KS: Yeah, can’t wait. Kind of sad this is our last year to play with old bordered cards.

SS: I haven’t really thought about that, but yeah… the passing of an age.

KS: My fries are getting cold. Give me a call tomorrow to check in.

SS: Vancouver?

KS: Yes.

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Kyle Sanchez (KS): Yo.

Mike (M): Where you at?

KS: Just eating at a Whataburger off Riverside.

M: I’m two blocks down from there at the Hyatt, get over here.

KS: Cool, I’ll meet you in the lobby in twenty?

M: Yeah, tight, I’ll see you then.

KS: Bye.

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Kyle Sanchez (KS): Hey

Jeff (JM): Hey, where are you guys at?

KS: We’re downtown at the Hyatt, chillin’ with a bunch of comic book celebrities that you’ve never heard of, and probably don’t even remotely care about. You should come over, we’ve got an open bar.

JM: Yeah, not interested, just getting out of dinner. You guys can head over to my dorm whenever. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.

KS: I’ll see yeah in thirty or so… there aren’t any attractives here.

JM: Cool, see ya.

KS: Bye.

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Kyle Sanchez (KS): Hey Mom.

Mom Sanchez (MS): Hi, did you make it to Austin okay?

KS: Yup, just at a friends dorm right now.

MS: On campus? Please be careful.

KS: Yeah. It’s pretty crazy here. Nude girls running around everywhere. Drunken guys in popped collars throwing up in trashcans and corners of elevators. Hippies with long shaggy hair playing their guitars and smoking pot. Women with jet black hair and dresses to match with thick piercings and tiger eyes with long pinky fingernails. Scary stuff. Not sure which addiction I’m gonna chase… the options are limitless.

MS: Just remember, I was one of those nude girls running around once. So whenever you see one, just picture me instead.

KS: MOOOOOM! That’s so freaking sick. I’m gonna go throw up in an elevator now.

MS: Be safe, love you.

KS: Love you too.

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Kyle Sanchez (KS): Hello?

James Wise (JW): Hey Kyle, it’s James Wise.

KS: What’s up James?

JW: Just on my way up to Fort Worth for the PTQ… you said to call you and give you directions last night.

KS: I talked to you last night?

JW: Yeah, you don’t remember?

KS: I honestly don’t remember much from last night, or how I got into this car, or where I am right now.

JW: Haha. Its really easy to get there… you just stay straight on I-35 until you get into downtown, and its the big building in the middle. All the parking meters are turned off on the weekends, so you’re okay to park anywhere.

KS: Awesome! You’re the man.

JW: No, you’re the man for helping me with my five-color deck. Collective Restraint is so badass!

KS: What does your list look like now?

KS: James, I’m gonna say this once. I’ve never loved another man more than I love you right now.

JW: You said that last week?!

KS: I did?

JW: Yeah, and then you tried to kiss me.

KS: Huh… well, regardless, I swear every deck you build is the same but so extraordinarily different. You’re a man who loves five colors more than Tom LaPille loves being a little red-headed fool.

JW: Who’s Tom LaPille?

KS: Exactly! Well, I’m about to pass out again, I’ll see you at the tourney.

JW: See you there.

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Kyle Sanchez (KS): Taylor Webb! What the hell is up, man?

Taylor Webb (TW): You comin’?

KS: Yeah, en route with Billy and Jeff right now.

TW: Billy and Jeff!?! This is like a PTQ from 2005!

KS: Yeah, pretty sick. Where you at?

TW: Just got here, didn’t see you so I thought I’d give you a call.

KS: And what if I was asleep?

TW: Then I’d probably annoyingly wake you up.

KS: Yeah, no kidding… such a d*ck.

TW: Hurry up and get here, we wanted to start a draft before the PTQ starts.

KS: We are just exiting for downtown right now, so have the packs ready.

TW: Alright, I’ll see you in a few.

KS: Bye.

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Billy Moreno (BM): Hey, where you at?

Kyle Sanchez (KS): In the bathroom in the back of the convention center, what’s up?

BM: I need a lighter so I can smoke a cigarette.

KS: Well, I’m kinda busy right now, but if you start heading this way I’ll meet you at that back set of doors.

BM: Okay, on my way. How you doing?

KS: 2-0. Round 1 I played against mirrorish RBG deck, but the Draco Explosion got there in games 2 and 3. He was maindecking a bunch of stuff for the mid-range matchups, like Jitte and Witness, but he sideboarded out all his discard so he couldn’t really do anything to stop me games 2 & 3. Round 2 I played against an awkward Mono-Red mana denial plan using Blood Moon, Magus of the Moon, and Arc Slogger to do the damn thing. You?

BM: 1-1, lost to Enduring Ideal. What exactly are we supposed to do in that matchup?

KS: I’d probably board the damage combo in and leave all the discard. Take out Crusher and Fanatics. Speaking of, how’ve you liked Crusher?

BM: I board him out every time I go into the combo, since he inhibits the fourth land drop, but otherwise I haven’t played him. Goyf usually just connects and Tribal Flames kills them.

KS: Same. Except I played him, and he was awful. I think you need too many things to happen for him to be good. He just doesn’t do much without Top, and I like to play lands.

BM: Okay, I’m here.

KS: Bye.

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Steve Sadin (SS): SAAAANCHEZ!!

Kyle Sanchez (KS): Wuddup Sadin.

SS: You and Billy?

KS: I’m 3-1, he just picked up his second loss so he dropped.

SS: Man… well, at least you’re in it. Win this one please.

KS: I’ll try. Lost to Affinity in round 3, mulliganed a few times and was one land and a turn short from exploding his dome.

SS: Gawd, I hate when that happens. You should have ran the Ancient Grudges. What’d you just play against?

KS: A Blue-Green Tron deck. Boarded in the Insidious package, but just rolled him with Kird Ape n’ Goyf and blew up his mana sources with a pair of Putrefy. Round is going up, I gotta go.

SS: Cool, I’ll give you a call tonight.

KS: Later!

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Kyle Sanchez (KS): Hola.

Mike (M): How you doing?

KS: Just beat the crap out of a buddy of mine from Dallas playing Affinity. He didn’t know about my Draco Explosion plan and it got him real nasty in game 3. Just got deck checked in round 6, so I thought I’d take a quick trip to the restroom.

M: Awesome.

KS: The guy I’m playing is a little creepy. He sat down, shook hands, then proclaimed to be my biggest fan and extremely nervous that hes playing one of his writing idols…

M: w…t…f…?

KS: Yeah, my response exactly. Super nice guy though, but he won’t stop starring at me in that “I Want To Go Down & Dirty” kind of way. He also suggested that I refer to him as fan boy. I mean really, within three minutes of talking to this guy he already gave me a nickname to call him.

M: Haha. Sure moves fast.

KS: Yeah, no kidding. I’m probably gonna be paying child support by the next time you call. How goes the convention?

M: I wasn’t that excited about it yesterday since we just went to the Sony offices here in Austin, and my time would have been better spent doing FNM at the store. But today has been pretty awesome, they’re showing us all kinds of crazy advances that the comic book industry is going to take in the next few months.

KS: Cool. Not really into the comic book thing, but it sounds tight.

M: Yeah, we also got to play this insane video game that isn’t going to come out for another year involving DC characters.

KS: Spoilers?

M: No man, I can’t even talk about it, this stuff is super secret.

KS: I’m gonna get it out of you eventually, but I gotta go, my deck is probably back already.

M: Good luck.

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Kyle Sanchez (KS): Wuddup Webb?

Taylor Webb (TW): Record?

KS: 4-2, Drop!

TW: Okay, you’re number eight, let’s draft. Where are you?

KS: Relaxing in the restroom, be out in a few.

TW: Did you lose to that big guy who was looking at you weirdly?

KS: Yeah, how’d you know?

TW: He was telling a story about how lucky he got against you a few minutes ago.

KS: Haha. The worst part is that he was super slow.

TW: Meh… happens.

KS: I’ll be there in a few.

TW: Alright, bye.

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Steve Sadin (SS): SAAAaNNCHEZ!!

Kyle Sanchez (KS): No matter how many times you say that, it just doesn’t get old. And I love you for it.

SS: Yeah, I know. It gives me a really warm feeling inside whenever I say it. Almost to the point where I just want to call you just to say it.

KS: Haha.

SS: Top 8?

KS: Drafting!

SS: Boo! Bad beats?

KS: Not really. Lost to another Affinity deck with a fast start.

SS: Nice Boseiju’s, shoulda run Ancient Grudge.

KS: Yup. Never trusting Billy again.

SS: Liar.

KS: I know… he’s just so huggable.

SS: That doesn’t really have anything to do with his credibility, but he is extremely huggable.

KS: Do you think it’s acceptable to run Wanderwine Prophets in this deck?

3 Mothdust Changeling
2 Silvergill Douser
2 Stonybrook Angler
1 Stonybrook Banneret
2 Judge of Currents
3 Stonybrook Schoolmaster
1 Harpoon Sniper
1 Avian Changeling
1 Streambed Aquitects
1 Fencer Clique
1 Inspired Sprite
1 Latchkey Faerie
1 Mulldrifter

1 Familiar’s Ruse
1 Faerie Trickery
1 Whirlpool Whelm
1 Zephyr Net

9 Island
7 Plains

SS: No, it’s too good. No reason to play bad cards.

KS: Very true.

…

If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah

If you are what you say you are
A super…

Kyle Sanchez (KS): Hello.

Mike (M): Where you at?

KS: Just woke up in a hotel in between Dallas and Waco. What time is it?

M: 10:30… can you do me a favor?

KS: Not sure what I can pull all the way out here, but shoot.

M: Can you pick me up?

KS: Where are you?

M: At a bar called Bikini’s in San Marcos.

KS: I need to wake these guys up, get some breakfast, then pick my car up from Austin. Where is Bikini’s? And more importantly, what is Bikini’s?

M: It’s a sports bar like Hooters, except they all wear Bikinis instead.

KS: No BS?

M: Yeah, its pretty sweet. And y’know how there is usually just a wall behind the bar? They cut out the center section from it so that when the girls walk by behind the bar it just shows from their shoulders to their knees.

KS: WHAT?!?

M: Whenever they walk behind the bar you just get a full view of T and A.

KS: Wow, thats pretty sick coupled with the bikini factor. I’m guessing we’re gonna spend a lot of money there today?

M: You know it. How’d your night go?

KS: Swell.

…

Top 5 Picks

1) Blackbird — Beatles
2) While My Guitar Gently Weeps – Beatles
3) Cry Baby Cry – Beatles
4) The Continuing Story Of Bungalow Bill – Beatles
5) What’s The New Mary Jane – Beatles