Down And Dirty – Researching Old Relics

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Thursday, August 21st – Hold on to your hats, folks… Kyle’s kicking it old school. Today’s Down And Dirty is certainly not for the faint-hearted… deck lists and tech given in freestyle rap format. Kyle rocks out with Relic and Teachings lists while busting out fresh lyrics and flow, and calls in some favors from the Magic Elite to hook up some rhymes and tech: Gerard Fabiano, Ben Lundquist, and Patrick Chapin all grab the mic. [Editor’s Note: I must apologise for this intro… I’m a 34-year old middle-class Englishman, and hip-hop scares me.]

Lost in the passages of time, I took a rewind, and was amazed at what I was able to find. Fae rely on consistently being able to press the tempo button to subdue their opponents. At the same time, Red decks are beating down on the gates with an aggressive onslaught of burn and beaters while using Magus to slow the opponents’ roll. All of the decks in this format are sandwiched between Magus and Mistbind. This is nothing new, however, but there is an old solution that I expected to rise in popularity during these National weekends.

Coalition Relic was perfect during Time Spiral Block season, acting as the ultimate mana producer giving mana of any color. It provided two on the critical turns where having extra mana was necessary for the cumbersome Teachings decks. With all the Toast decks leaning as far as to include Teachings in their current package, it seems like the next evolution to upgrade to a more controlling style deck to abuse the Relic’s mana advantage.

I had a few Relic brews in preparation for Nationals… one was a Mono-White deck that’s been tweaked into this little number.

It’s the, White killa, manabase builder, slap you so hard that yo mama gonna feel ya.
Pegasus tokens tramplin’ over your corpse.
Faerie tokens sippin’ on your blood like Russian Borscht.
It gets worse; Red crumbles to a Story Circle.
Idyllic ensures that you’ll win that struggle.
And hustling through cards is what I envision.
With Tidings and CC, who needs Ancestral Vision?
Just listen, only the illest is what I’m spittin’.
No kidding, I got theoretical 20/20 vision.
I know, I know, you’re thinking it must be.
Armor all flow ‘cause it never gets rusty.
Must be, it is, trust me, it doesn’t come easy.
Like GerryT I wanna be a champi-
On top of the race like I’m Shuhei-
Nakamura’s numbers are so sick.
With deck lists so thick like a Boston Lager.
I run opposing Wizards over like they lost in Frogger.
Man, just don’t bother, trying to outbuild me.
‘Cause I’m so silly, it only helps me kill thee.
Yah feel me? Cause this ain’t playtesty.
And you ain’t Billy so you will never best me.
‘Cause this White deck is all about protecting.
Someone told me once “Defense the best Offense.”
I never paid attention, but I suppose it makes some sense.
See, I got it backed up with superior logic.
And not that old school “Who’s the Beatdown” nonsense.
I never read Deckade, but I’ve been playing ten years.
Reppin’ from back in ’98 like Tears for Fears.
Back then I never sipped on beers.
My head was straighter and I had different fears.
Wetting the bed on a daily was quite shamely.
But thanks to plastic sheets I outgrew it, thankfully.
And ain’t too many as good at rhyming as I R,
Sit back and peel my skull off with a rusted pry bar,
And hooks spill out in every direction,
Each one getting more hype than the November election.
‘Cause I’m fly and got heart like Amelia Air
Having skill this instilled is rare.
Screw a millionaire,
Man I’m on the level of a billion squared.
Yep, there I go straying away from Magic.
Run around in circles like a Family Guy tangent.

But the deck has some serious issues.
Against combo decks you better bring some tissues.
White’s got jack for that, and it’s not pretty.
You got Halo for Swans, but post board it gets gritty.
With Krosan Grip,
They won’t wait to strip,

That Halo from your grip,
And the game will slip.
Had to compensate with a Teachings package.
But even when I strap it, it’s not an effective tactic.
Sadness, but I’ll sacrifice those matches.
And all this fire I spit instantly becomes classic.
Some might call it Magic,
And some call it Madness,
But any haters getting slammed like a Denny’s plate.
Flamers getting killed every time like Kenny’s fate.
Your Clique lookin’ at me like “you bastard!”
But I blow ’em off because I’m too plastered.
And all your whack pointless forum posters.
Better log off, get new screen names and new passwords.
‘Cause these words I write are the way I get my word out.
Probably the illest Magician no one’s ever heard about.
And I’m still gonna write articles on my day off.
On my tombstone etch “persistence doesn’t pay off.”
But ’til the day that I fill that grave.
My words will be sprayed on this Internet page.
I never won a PTQ but the Pro Tour I’ve played.
At one time I thought GPs were my forte.
Maybe they are, but who’s to say?
At the highest level is where I love to play.
Been around a long time our game has stayed.
And ’til the day it dies, I swear to Ihsan’s Shade I’ll play.

Now sway your hands from left to right.
I’ll do this flow tight.
Flip that and reverse that and you will see.
That rhyme is perfect, what else would it be?
I’m so Sancheezy, and it’s just so easy.
But I’m scared, I’ll die without ever getting there.
Like dealing nineteen in a burn deck,
I’m sure that, my end will be quite ironic.
Not strep, something bloody like the bubonic.
Man, I slipped away from the plan.
So let me pack it up in this U-Haul van.
No more salty talk, my mind is sand.
And I’m waiting in a Desert like the aforementioned plan.
I’m patient, not reckless.
Waiting for some incoming one-toughness.
Your chances for Fae are insane if they aren’t on the play.
Land a Relic early and they really can’t take the day.
Their Snags and Sprites might as well be Kithkin.
Any pessimists, I ain’t talking to them.
‘Cause all they got is negatives for my deck arrangements.
I rented the property and made the payments.
And they feel like their input is stainless?
Adding Wrath to Wizards? What, are you brainless?
The addition isn’t painless, your mana will suffer.
But all of that I’ve already covered.
Now’s the time when I move under new covers.
A Relic deck with an older design.
Lost and forgotten in the deserts of time.
Refined, and brought back into a new light.
That last card keeping you up the whole night.
It’s tight, and we gotta squeeze in some might.
‘Cause maybe it just might be the hottest thing since Adam Green.
I took it to the Computer Show.
Rivers did flow, and the deck did grow.
What Billy and Yurchick supplied was profound.
Cut the Rune Snags and here’s what I found…

It’s the resurrection of Teachings!
A purpose,
A meaning,
And mages you’ll be beating.
The idea is simple:
Play better spells and pop opponents like pimples.
Use Wraths n’ removal to make their critters whimper.
I bring the passionate rhyming.
Describe decklists I’m designing.
‘Cause the hunger inside me is crazy.
Doc, put me under an IV and save me.
Van Lunen batter me up and then bait me.
I’m sick with it ‘cause I’ve got the gift of the quickness.
I spit the Vivid Sliver sh** that’ll leave the Kids livid.
You can Teachings for many a finisher.
Hellkite for the air, or a Cloudthresher.
It’ll mess up all those silly little Faeries.
Chase ’em down like Sylvester chases yellow canaries.
Tweety knows how to spread her word.
Like Teachings knows how to bake them birds.
Take my word.
Man, this deck is so absurd.
You’ve just got so many options.
Mix it up with your own one-of concoctions.
See, metagames, they change,
And whatever is around you is what you gotta metagame-
Four Cryptic Command.
Ensures you’ll reach your end-game plan.
Blow ’em away with a Damn.

A singleton Disintegrate is where I wanna be.
A late game finisher, recursive, and easy-
To use in the early game for a Finks.
I see that expression on your face, but trust me, it doesn’t stink.
It might have a light aroma, but homey,
What do you think I’m growing?
Only the tallest trees for me, please.
Decks to bring fake G’s to they knees.
And man, I ain’t got lights on this crop.
But it’s growing and won’t ever stop.
Hip-Hop artist, hip-hop addict.
Use it to describe where I’m at.
Rune Snags, man, you don’t have to play that.
Instead I offer Wraths to blow up the scene.
Coupled with card drawing like you ain’t ever seen.
All my cards foil ‘cause I care about the bling.
Like DWilli, I got a collection that’s obscene.
Friday Night Champion, thirty person plus.
Took it down easy without even a game loss.
Every time I come around, it’s Boom or it’s Bust.
Last Friday I was out early with a game loss.
Slaughter Pact is a tricky girl when she’s mad.
Forgetting to pay for her will make a homey sad.
But the Adventures on like LSV and Cheon.
No matter how they try, they can never do wrong.
One’s always on top of the standings.
A sure safe bet for any fantasy families.
Damn G, how does Herbeezy make it look so easy?
With his thick rimmed glasses and “Oh, I’m so bad ass,
That I’m going to outplay you, with Murderous Redcap”
He said that?
Nah man, that quote’s whack.
But if you want to attack,
Teferi is there and he’s got your back.
A singleton Shriekmaw brings a little bit of offense.
However, best utilized with a tutored Grim Harvest.
See, he’s not so harmless.
Farfetched, but he’ll mow your opponent’s assets.
And then rest, on the bench against control decks.
Don’t get me started on Haunting Hymn.
Sometimes you just Teachings up a win.
And a win is nearly certain.
When your opponent is lacking a hand.

Nucklavee brings a lot to the table:
Recurring Commands, keeping your Spouts stable.
And finishing a game; of that, he’s quite able.
‘Cause every time I slam him on the table,
I cradle the cards he returned to my grip.
I spout Fire and I am quite Cryptic.
And Mystic, all your Teachings,
So inspiring.
Like a shiny diamond ring.
Without the weary wedding.
I’m dreading, facing those decks where Red wins.
‘Cause they always have the hex.
To deal with the slower decks.
Nope, not for a sec.
Command and Consign post board keeps me uplifted.
Dealing with Fae, Colossus and Cloudthresher are quite gifted.
And then I’ll shift it.
To a naughty removal suite.
Shriekmaw and Pact roll ’em up like a Swisher Sweet.
Smoke those Dorans with Inside Out.
And Spring Clean all those Bitterblossoms out.
No doubt, this deck has options.
I’m just not sure I’m looking the right direction.
Inflection, in my voice fills the gaps.
Find my destination through Map-
Questing for the best deck list.
Respond in the forums if you feeling my lists, yo.


Top 5 Picks

1) Classic Cars – Bright Eyes
2) The Legionnaire’s Lament – The Decemberists
3) Bachelorette – Bjork
4) Little Boxes – Regina Spektor
5) My Hood – Young Jeezy

*!* Gerard Fabiano Block Deck Bonus Section *!*

This deck is like playing baseball with a rocket launcher.
Mixed with some fruit of the loom boxers.
That makes no sense,
But hey, all I’m spittin’.
If you want the best deck since faeries,
Sit back and listen.
You can’t ever lose to Kithkin, they have no shot.
Five-Color? Yeah, right… and Faeries get bought.
This decks really good, you’d better start investing.
For a trip to a Berlin, you’d better start testing.

Gerard Fabiano

*!* Ben Lundquist Block Deck Bonus Section *!*

Let me give you tech about what I have in my deck,
But it doesn’t matter what I play, you are gonna get wrecked.
You don’t know who I am, that’s better for me,
The game will be over and I’ll still be at twenty-three
Because you threw it all, even the kitchen sink;
That means you got through for one and I gained four off Kitchen Finks.
My name looks familiar, but you don’t know where you read it…
That’s because other Magicians are taking all my credit.
My conversation with you probably was “must,” “is.”
You think I got lucky, but that’s just justice.
Turn 2 Bitterblossom, I admit, is a little scary,
but I had the Broken Ambitions, so even that got buried.
Like I said, I have the tech so you better start spyin’.
Just ask LSV why I’m called The Lion.

Ben Lundquist

*!* Patrick Chapin Bonus Rap Section *!*

In fact
I snap back like elastic,
Call the Innovator,
Call me Mr. Fantastic.

Magic career
So booster pack sick.
Had some hard time,
Situation was drastic.

Yeah, but guess who
Rotated back, trick?
Your favorite player’s
Favorite player, just ask it!

When I do what I do,
I do it for Magic.
Gave my life to this game,
Love, no asterisk

Break your card,
Break your format,
Break your man,
Break more than that.

Break your card,
Break your format,
Break your man,
Break more than that.

This is a Flow of Ideas,
This is so much more,
You know my criteria,
The tech’s hardcore.

Who you think first brought Sligh
To the Pro Tour?
Dragonstorm was my
Technology store.

So Next Level Blue,
Korlash, you want more?
They qualified you,
Get it on the floor.

Gush? Ask Vintage who they
Restricted nineteen cards for!
Patrick Chapin,
The Innovator.

Break your card,
Break your format,
Break your man,
Break more than that.

Break your card,
Break your format,
Break your man,
Break more than that.

Patrick Chapin