Picture this: Seth Burn wakes up and swats pointlessly at an alarm clock he made sure to leave out of reach the night before. Once his pillow has satisfactorily smothered the noise and spent more time in the air than a pillow usually would, Seth swings his legs out of bed and rubs his eyes. Although his eyesight is admittedly worse than it could be – and what self-respecting nerd’s eyes aren’t somewhat dilapidated from constant focus on a computer picture output device? – he is still puzzled by the fact he can’t see his pants…
Why?
Because I’ve stolen, and am now wearing them!
(I… Am… Seth… See the photo?)
That’s right; this article, much like one of Seth’s, will feature less actual Magic content than a small Bolivian off-duty, traffic warden.
(Don’t walk, run out and find a copy of”Red Dwarf,” season 3.)
And I can assure you, it’s not for lack of actual Magic content – oh no. I’ve had plenty in the way of response to my last piece about an interesting creatureless Odyssey block deck. Some of which is quite possibly just shy of genius, and some of it somewhat misguided. But I’m just happy you love me. You really love me!
(Can someone pass me the towel I use to wipe down sentences that are literally dripping with sarcasm, please?)
(Danke.)
But first, a little about music, because unlike Master Burns, I know nought about sport.
(“Nought” should be pronounced as if you were some kind of English person or something;”N-ow-t” or”Nowt.”)
Recently, I have been revisiting some music that made me smile as a younger, more impetuous man, while at the same time enjoying the music that makes me place one foot in front of the other as I walk from location”A” to location”Z” these days…. Which has made for a very eclectic mix o’ tunes indeed. So get out yer pen and paper, and jot down a tune or two so you can download them yourself from your friendly local person to person file transfer system. So we can get off to a nice, soft, perhaps even mellow start, look up the song”Joga” by Bjork.
(Pronounced”Yoga” and”Byerk.”)
Bennie Smith, who is undoubtedly a newer father than you, reminded me that I had in fact built an Odyssey block deck, and I had no business not playing with Catalyst Stone. However, he did make the mistake of thinking three would be enough, but I’ll put that down to having at the time, a miniature Bennie on the way. The main problem with my original list – which if The Ferrett hasn’t linked to it prior to this paragraph, can be found here… No, just kidding, that’s actually a link to an article of The Ferrett where he mercilessly rips me off. My article is here. Anyway, the problem was it couldn’t fit very many red mana sources if it wanted to use and abuse Cabal Coffers. And it kinda needed the Coffers for the late game, tons of mana in your face kinda shenanigans. However, the good doctor Bennie – who isn’t actually a doctor, to my knowledge – wised me up to the Stone, which should of course ease my late-game mana worries, because my flashback spells will cost considerably less.
Now, what goes;”GRRR, digadigadiga, GRRRR, BLLAAARRR!!!”? Death Metal, that’s what! But why on earth would I ask such a question? Well, you see, Death Metal has its merits, and can be enjoyed on many levels. Sure, it’s usually loud, fast, abrasive, and loud, but there is often some rather good musicianship in there somewhere, too.
(And sometimes equal amounts of coked-up, no-talent losers…)
My example for you is the Florida-based band Morbid Angel. I have no idea what they’re up to these days – in fact, I think only half the members I remember are actually still in the band. Oh well, they had some moments, and I’m enjoying them even to this day. From their first Album, entitled Altars of Madness, there is a track called”Suffocation.” The hook for you, dear reader, other than the mild paced grove the verse slips into, is the very short bass-fill in the middle of the song. The music mysteriously drops away, and bassist/vocalist David Vincent rips into a small, distorted run that leads back into the music as if the song had been built around this small, but perfect, section of music.
But if that song’s production doesn’t blow your whistle, go for the two songs that have made me fall in love with my guitar again. From their second album, the title track”Blessed are the Sick” is just wonderful. The outro is especially thick, and fades into a haunting flute piece sub-titled as”Leading the Rats.” The other great song, from their third album, Covenant, is called”God of Emptiness.” Just wait for the”Let the children come to me” bit, and then proceed to shake in your boots/trainers/bed socks.
(Ten points to those of you who noticed that the first album’s title started with the letter”A”, the second with the letter”B”, and the third with the letter”C”.)
Sometimes I think I have no control over what happens inside those parenthesis things…
(Honestly, it’s intentional. Their forth album is called”Domination,” and their fifth is called”Entangled in Chaos,” which is a live recording. No metal band is complete without a live album.)
I’ll be finished in a minute…
(And if that’s not enough proof, album number six is called”Formulas Fatal to the Flesh,” and their latest is called”Gateways to Annihilation”!)
(Death-Metal is all about the ABCs, people…)
Bennie, or Mr. Smith as his neighbors politely call him, also suggested that Browbeat might also be, well, a beating. He wasn’t the only one to mention this – but he was the only one, when heckled about whether or not it would actually do anything in the deck, to reply heartily,”on the third and forth subsequent castings, quite a bit really.”
(He may not have used those exact words, but apparently I’ll use any excuse to justify using parenthesis.)
Have you heard of the Australian dance music group called”The Avalanche”? And before you ask, no Jarrod Bright doesn’t have anything to do with them. At least I’m pretty sure he doesn’t… Anyhoo, queue up for downloading, their song called”Frontier Psychiatrist,” from their debut album”Since I Left You.” I promise you, it’s nothing like Morbid Angel.
With a touch of wrangling, and a might of mangling, the decklist I’d recommend last time now looks a bit more like this. Well, quite a bit like this – but that’s what you get when you let me have the control of a keyboard and a connection to”thuh inner-web,” isn’t it?
4 Innocent Blood
4 Chainer’s Edict
4 Catalyst Stone
4 Burning Wish
3 Mutilate
3 Diabolic Tutor
3 Recoup
3 Browbeat
2 Mirari
2 Mind Sludge
4 Tainted Peak
3 Shadowblood Ridge
1 Mountain
1 Cabal Coffers
19 Swamp
But before the sideboard, what would you say if I mentioned a band called Bolt Thrower? You might well look at me quizzically, and wonder if they had anything to do with British war-gaming company, Games Workshop. I’d retort in a manner only achieved in the past by second-rate gameshow hosts, with the word”maybe.” Which is quite, quite daft. Because they had plenty to do with Games Workshop in their day, even getting some form of sponsorship in the form of artwork for their record,”Realm of Chaos.” Gee, you might say, that sounds a bit Games Workshoppie too, then you’d be right again. The song we’re about to listen to is even called”World Eater,” which is the faction of Chaos Marines who happen to favor, as most Space Marines do, the”Bolt Thrower” as their primary weapon. It does take much pondering to figure out the”finer” points of the deal hammered out between Games Workshop and the band now, does it?
Anyhoo, the song”World Eater” has a fantastic introduction, and then promptly turns very crap when the vocals come in. But that’s okay, because you can then stop downloading if it you like. If you do happen to want to preserve the intro, without the other bits, which are as I said, very crap, then instead of cancelling the download, move the”download1234…789.dat” file from your”shared” folder, and rename it somethingorother.mp3. The important bit being the file extension of”.mp3″. Bolt Thrower also had an album called”War Master” – which, if you think about it, is reasonably similar to the name”Eyemaster”. Which baffled me for a bit, because while I was doing a bit of”Bolt Thrower history revision,” I begun to wonder if they had also done this other song in question. But it’s as I thought; a masterpiece by Swedish band Entombed. The song”Eyemaster” also has a wonderful intro, but actually isn’t too bad throughout the rest of the song.
Coincidence or not? You decide.
Heh;”decide” is similar to the word”Deicide”, which is actually a fairly crap band, but they too, have a song with a passable intro. Their’s was called”Sacrificial Suicide,” but don’t bother if you can’t be, um… bothered. Instead move on to the last great Death-Grind-Watermelon-Elephant-Metal intro, which is played by a bunch of loony vegetarians called Carcass. Now, I’m not saying they’re loony because they’re vegetarian – don’t be silly. No, they’re loony, and possibly quite loopy, because they seem to possess stacks of old medical journals and boxes of unpleasant pictures of meat/body parts, and are prone to giving their songs titles like”Corporal Jigsore Quandary.” Which is, funnily enough, the one with the great intro.
Right – onto the sideboard.
Sideboard
1 Mutilate
1 Diabolic Tutor
1 Recoup
1 Mirari
1 Browbeat
2 Mind Sludge
3 Haunting Echoes
2 Morbid Hunger
1 Demolish
1 Rancid Earth
1 Tombfire
Speaking of the sideboard, or should I say”The Sideboard,””the Rev” Toby Wachter once wrote an article about road trips, where he told a story of the best road trip music ever! But first I must clarify one particular point, although”the Rev” now writes for The Sideboard, and even StarCity when we’re lucky, he used to write for a website called nootulgrond, or nutallgroo, or something like that, which was where this particular tale of hilarity was published. The best road trip music ever! From here on abbreviated to TBRTMEMF, is a strange, mentally unstable, 300 pound black man from Chicago called Wesley Willis.
(Did you know, that the spell checker would much rather I spelled it”Weaselly Willies”?)
The best examples of TBRTMEMF are the brilliant”Bill Clinton,” and the equally identical”Throw My Ass In Jail.” For more information on Wesley Willis, read the very tale Toby weaves by clicking on the aboveformentioned link.
Some people have begun to think I’ve become a bit of a black control freak, and maybe I have. So to loosen it up a bit, I’m gonna try something new.
4 Basking Rootwalla
4 Wild Mongrel
1 Braids, Cabal Minion
2 Genesis
1 Spiritmonger
4 Duress
4 Chainer’s Edict
4 Zombie Infestation
4 Living Wish
4 Pernicious Deed
4 Buried Alive
4 Tainted Wood
4 Llanowar Wastes
6 Forest
10 Swamp
Sideboard:
4 Compost
3 Cabal Therapy
1 Braids, Cabal Minion
1 Genesis
1 Spiritmonger
1 Urborg Shambler
1 Eastern Paladin
1 Crypt Creeper
1 Swamp
1 Slithery Stalker
Which now I think about it, is still quite control-like. For light relief, try downloading a song that is supposedly by System of a Down – but I’m pretty convinced it isn’t. It’ll be credited as them, though, and is called”The Legend of Zelda Song” or something. It never fails to amuse me every time it comes up on my Winamp playlist, though.
(Oh no! Which tangent to follow…)
(To the Bat-Columns, Robin!)
Everyone uses winamp, right? Well if you don’t, then you should, and a few of the skins you should contemplate downloading from the winamp website, are the following;”Classic_Marantz”,”Hand_Written”,”Kaolla”,”Limeamp”,”MooAMP24″,”Philips_Electronics”,”Ti_H2O_6_Equilibrium”,”Winamp_X_v.10″, and my personal favorite,”Orangejuice_Player”. If you’ve heard and enjoyed System of a Down’s album,”Toxicity”, try the following tracks from their first, self-titled album;”Suite-Pee”,”Know”,”War?”, and”Soil”. There is another track which I think was left off”Toxicity”, but could easily have been recorded some other time, that’s worth finding too. It goes by the name of”Johnny”, and is, well, a wee treat.
(Normal transmission resumes…)
(…Pretty much never.)
Maybe this version will be a little more”aggro,” while still retaining the Buried Alive/Genesis combo.
4 Basking Rootwalla
4 Wild Mongrel
4 Arrogant Wurm
3 Braids, Cabal Minion
2 Genesis
1 Spiritmonger
4 Duress
4 Chainer’s Edict
4 Zombie Infestation
3 Living Wish
4 Buried Alive
4 Tainted Wood
4 Llanowar Wastes
5 Forest
10 Swamp
Sideboard:
4 Compost
3 Cabal Therapy
1 Braids, Cabal Minion
1 Genesis
1 Spiritmonger
1 Urborg Shamber
1 Eastern Paladin
1 Crypt Creeper
1 Swamp
1 Slithery Stalker
Did you know that Andrew WK’s drummer, Donald Tardy, used to play in a band with his brother, John, called Obituary? I did, because I used to”rock out” a couple of there tracks back in the early nineties. One I found of particular note, was”The End Complete” from the album of the same name. The trick to this track is skipping to the outro, as it’s just plain ol’ meaty gas.
(What an awful sentence that was.)
And that’s the last of the Death-Metal, I promise. Just to prove I’m not a one-trick pony, here’s the same deck again, but for Odyssey block constructacons.
4 Basking Rootwalla
4 Wild Mongrel
3 Crypt Creeper
3 Braids, Cabal Minion
4 Arrogant Wurm
2 Genesis
4 Chainer’s Edict
4 Zombie Infestation
4 Living Wish
4 Buried Alive
4 Tainted Wood
8 Forest
12 Swamp
Sideboard:
4 Rancid Earth
1 Braids, Cabal Minion
1 Genesis
2 Shambling Swarm
1 Swamp
1 Crypt Creeper
1 Possessed Centaur
1 Slithery Stalker
1 Faceless Butcher
1 Druid Lyrist
1 Spellbane Centaur
Don’t ask me why the Rancid Earths are in the sideboard; I may have to actually start thinking, and that should be avoided at all costs. Do you remember the movie,”The Fifth Element”? Do you remember the bad guy, Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg? Do you remember his right-hand man, who was I think called”Right Arm”? Well, in real life, his name is Tricky – and I don’t mean difficult to say.
(His mother named him Adrian Thaws, but his stage name is Tricky.)
(No, not difficult to say, actually”Tricky.”)
Download the song”Excess,” for some great new-school Tricky, and then the song”Overcome,” for some even greater old-school Tricky. Then get the song”Glory Box,” by Portishead, and the song”Karmacoma,” by Massive Attack, and try to tell me that those three musical acts coming from the same English city of Bristol is a co-incky-dink.
While on the topic of Massive Attack – and there’ll be no angry squirrel tokens here, huyuk! huyuk! – you should probably go out and buy their album”Mezzanine.” I bought it after hearing ten seconds of the opening bass line fading in, I honestly thought my head was going to cave in right there in the shop. Well, I had heard one other song from it that swayed my decision too, a track called”Risingson” which is either queued up in your copy of KaZaA/Grokster, or you’re a gormless idiot. Once you’ve listened to that, get”Group Four,” from the same album, which is also somewhat”God-like” in it’s ability to wow you aurally, but not in it’s ability to answer prayers, and deliver plagues of, funnily enough, biblical proportions. But then again, it is only a song. The best bit happens at around 4:45 on the clock o’ timing thing; you’ll know what I mean when you hear it.
I know what I can do now, I can randomly throw in another OBC decklist – but then again, how about some Korn? Yes, yes. I know you remember Korn – and yes, I’m sure they’re sorry they inflicted Limp Bizkit on the world. However, they have produced some very important pieces of music, in my not even remotely humble opinion. Let’s leave alone the more well-known singles, such as A.D.I.D.A.S. and Freak on a Leash, and get straight to the environment defining tracks from their second album,”Life is Peachy.” Did I say,”environment defining”? I meant they are a key part of the music metagame.
Nonono, I can’t get this right to save myself. I’m talking tier 1 songs here. Example number one being”Good God,” which is just plain catchy once the chorus hits, but takes its time getting there. The only reason this song wasn’t a single is probably the amount of swearing that goes on in the pre-pre-chorus. Seriously – they milk the build-up thing something chronic, but it is very good. Example number two is entitled”Chi,” and shows the most important part of Heavy-Metal’s musical evolution over the last ten years. Once upon a time, it was a bass guitarist’s lot in life to emulate what the other guitarists were playing, but down an octave obviously.”Chi” showed how it was quite possible to play along with the drums instead to great effect. See, the main guitar riff goes;
“Dugaduh-dar, dugadugunnn. Dun-dun”
(Repeat.)
Which is a low-tuned, busy like a buzzy-bee, kind of line. But the bass goes more like this.
“(Pause) Dum… Dum… budup.”
(Repeat.)
Which is almost the complete opposite of the guitar part. Genius!
Here’s something that isn’t genius – a bad OBC deck based loosely on the multitude of bird decks that have come before it. It tries to fix the small problem bird decks seem to have, by being able to tutor for Battle Screech. Let’s have a look…
4 Suntail Hawk
4 Soulcatcher
3 Lieutenant Kirtar
4 Catalyst Stone
4 Burning Wish
4 Soulcatcher’s Aerie
4 Browbeat
3 Recoup
3 Battle Screech
2 Mirari
1 Golden Wish
13 Plains
1 Tarnished Citadel
10 Mountain
Sideboard:
3 Major Teroh
1 Recoup
1 Golden Wish
1 Battle Screech
1 Mirari
1 Kirtar’s Wrath
1 Morningtide
1 Epicenter
1 Demolish
1 Cleansing Meditation
1 Volcanic Spray
1 Aegis of Honor
1 Karmic Justice
Do you see how the Tarnished Citadel sits nicely between the Plains and the Mountains? I can picture the setting now – Sunday afternoon, Plains and Mountain sitting at either end of a couch, each one of them with a cold one gripped as if it were trying to be absorbed directly through the can, and up through the arm. The sun is shinning in through the window, highlighting the floating dust in the air. Giving the scene a somewhat divine atmosphere, decorated in chaos as the dust swirls and tumbles to fill the void left by a Tarnished Citadel, as it shuffles across the floor toward the lounge suite. The non-basic land flops down between the two basics, and nods at one, and raises its brow briefly in some form of mute greeting at the other.
“Hey guys – ‘sup?”
The plains now has it’s head in it’s non-cold one hand, massaging its temples as if has been besieged by a sudden migraine, Mountain turns to the Citadel and belches loudly in its face.
“Was goin’ fine until you got here.” The Mountain belly-aches.”We had it good with Invasion block, we had whatsit, you know…” snapping its fingers in the air.
“Class.” Interjects the Plains through painfully closed eyes.
“Naw, it was a decent non-basic; Battlefield something.”
“Battlefield Forge.” Plains says in a quiet voice, rubbing its eyes.
“Yeah, now that was a guy worth playing four of,” The Mountain states.
(There is a moment of silence.)
“Can I have a cold one too?” ventures the Tarnished Citadel.
(More silence.)
(Very much like the one before, but a bit shorter this time.)
“Okay,” the basic lands say quietly, and in unison… Although they don’t sound overly enthralled with the idea. The Plains goes in search of a Midol, and the Mountain gets up to go urinate in the kitchen sink…
Or something like that, anyway.
(“Shinobi vs Dragon Ninja,” by Lost Prophets. Go, go, go!)
You may have heard of”The Prodigy,” or just”Prodigy” as they’re known nowadays. Sure, their vocalists, Keith Flint and MC Maxim can be quite annoying when you’re trying to enjoy some quality music – point in case being their latest single”Baby’s got a Temper.” But, as you may have guessed, I can hook you up with some pure Liam Howlett beauty, in musical form. Try both”Climatize” from the album”The Fat of the Land”, and”Break and Enter” from the dance music classic”Music for the Jilted Generation.” If you want to dig further, I’d definitely recommend”The Trick,” a b-side from the single,”Breathe.” It has the thickest bass I’ve heard in a very long time. Did you know a duo called the Chemical Brothers, who are, like Liam, Keith, Maxim, and Leeroy, also British, once remixed a song for The Prodigy? The Chemical Brothers are known for many things, but most importantly in my eyes, the stunning tracks”Setting Sun” with Noel Gallagher from Oasis, and”Under the Influence”… The latter being one you should listen to almost religiously. However, when they did this remix of”Voodoo People” for The Prodigy, they were known as”The Dust Brothers.” Sound familiar? It should; The Dust Brothers are an American outfit who have done some brilliant things like create the soundtrack to the movie”Fight Club,” and who have also done some terrible things – like for instance, produce a Hanson album. I’m not joking. But the stuff from Fight Club is well worth a listen, in particular,”This is your Life,” and”Jack’s Smirking Revenge.”
(“Kung Foo,” by Ash.)
(One of Alice’s, sister’s friends told me how you’re actually supposed to pronounce”kung foo” in Chinese, at a party just over a month ago.)
(I can’t remember what she said, to be quite honest, but I do remember her kicking at stuff…)
You know what? This is getting way long, so I’m just gonna send it off now, and hope for the best. I’ve got a pit o’ job-huntin, and a bit o’ CV writin, and a bit o’ portfolio paddin to do over the next few weeks, so wish me luck or something. Especially if you see me wasting time on the internet and so on!
(And to finally bring things in full circle, if you enjoyed the first song I told you to download, by Bjork if you remember, then also get”Bachelorette” and”Hunter” from the same album.)
(Ah, what a nice finish to an almost pointless article.)
(I should probably go and shave Seth’s beard off now…)
Take care.
Ray
(beep)