Magic

Because I would forget too many people. Hell, I haven’t even mentioned one quarter of the people that I need to mention, and I’m not going to pretend that I even could. There’s way too many people I need to thank, and way too many that I would forget if I tried, so I’m not going to try, sorry.

Magic and the effect it had on my life were too big to even describe. I made friends, I made enemies, I made people laugh, and I made them want to strangle me. I went places I never would have gone, and I met people from far away lands. I experienced competition on a professional level and I wrote hundreds of thousands of words, honing my writing and actually using my college degree (Not many people can actually say that.)

I heard one guy wrote a farewell column and pretty much said, "Here is why I am quitting Magic, and why you should too." I’m not going to do that. I may not be playing much Magic, and I’m not going to be writing about it. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Magic has been very good to me and was a huge part of my life. For a very long time.

But much like every obsession, well, it comes to an end.

If you are just getting into Magic, or you have been playing a while and still enjoy it – then I envy you.

Magic was SO GOOD to me. Magic brought me the publication of my first book. It brought me the thrill of winning a qualifier, and more friends than I can count. It brought me endless hours of enjoyment in play testing, designing, writing, and playing. It brought me the sense of winning the lottery when I opened up a god pack of cards. It entertained me for literally thousands of hours. Tens of thousands of hours.

I love Asheron’s Call. Much like the early days of Magic, I play it all the time. I think about it at work. I play it every free moment I have. I read about it on the Internet. I post to message boards about it. Just like I used to do with Magic.

But some day – that too will end. Some day, I will be sick of Asheron’s Call, because that is the nature of man.

I was hanging out in the Olthoi Lair (Olthoi are bugs like the ones in the Alien’s movies. Huge, deadly fast, grievous damage, and they spit acid all over you.) And some guy says, "Have you seen the spoiler for "insert next sets name here"?

No I haven’t.

Oh wait, that was Ragnorak I think..

Anyway.. I said, no, I hadn’t seen it.

"Well, it looks like you designed it. Each color has tremendous fatties. And each color has some huge effect spell that costs a boatload of mana to cast. Like eight a piece."

Wow. Now that sounds cool.

If only it can live up to what he was telling me.

I haven’t bought any of the latest set, and I probably won’t buy any of this one either, but I might. Well, I might eventually. See, I was thinking about playing in Regionals this year. I was really looking forward to seeing everyone. To driving down to Boston and socializing and having a good time. But then I heard that Replenish was going to be the deck to beat. And then I played in a local extended tournament. And I just couldn’t do it. Combos and some of the cards in Urza’s annoy me too much.

But from everything I hear, those days will be gone in the fall. That the new sets are much less combo driven. Much less fast-mana-kill-you-on-turn-three driven.

That.

That will be a good thing.

Who knows?

Maybe this isn’t farewell. I might be wrong, and things do go in cycles. I used to play video games before Magic, and I quit those. Now I am back to video games. Chris Cade was huge on the newsgroups just as I started playing. Then the impossible happened and he quit. I couldn’t believe it. Now he is back to Magic and I have left. Following the trends, I would have to say that someday I will be back.

But for now, well, this is farewell.

It’s just been too cool for words.

Thank you all.

I hope I’ve brought you even one tenth the enjoyment you have brought me.

Good luck and have fun

Jamie C. Wakefield
King of the Fatties

Below is sample of two things. What Asheron’s Call is like. And what my fantasy writing will look like.

Hope you enjoy it.

Liches can smell Vitae

I am in the Dires, and I am getting my ass kicked.

I can’t quite seem to grasp that my new character is not the tank my old one is. Well, to be fair, he is MORE of a tank, just lower level. Lower level means less health, less axe skill, and a whole lot of beatings inflicted on ME.

Three Drudges standing around in the Dires, one of them is doing that crazy hippy Tai Chi slow-mo dance that random drudges do. The Stalker nudges the Lurker.

"Here comes that punk again. Level 23? Trying to take on us three? What is he thinking? Thinks he’s big or something?"

The little one cackles and snickers like the puny little Dires drudge sidekick he is. The Stalker nudges his buddy, the one doing the Tai Chi. "Hey, here he comes again. Open the can."

Tai Chi Stalker stops what he’s doing, hunches over, his hackles showing and picks up a can. His eyes never leave me as I inch forward, and he lifts it up to chest level, right in front of him. He shows me the can. It is clearly labeled "Whoop Ass."

"Open the can! Open the Can!" screams the Lurker. He starts bopping up and down, hopping from one foot to the other. Then he stops, gets real serious and also starts to glare at me with those huge, evil, dark eyes. Filled with malice and hate, they are pools of liquid violence.

The Stalker holding the can never wavers looking at me, but one hand reaches down and pops the top of the can, there is a whooshing sound of air escaping, and all hell breaks loose. In tandem, they rush at me, squealing and screaming their hate as they close the distance between us. I equip my Magic Resistance II ring, Armor Self II Bracelet, and arm Super Joshie Axe. The only thing that gives me any hope against these pint sized monstrosities. Coordination Self V roars through me. The blade takes on a red hue and crackles with malice and death as Blood Drinker V turns the blade into a singing, slashing, instrument of destruction.

The first one reaches me just as my right arm is reaching its back swing. He crashes into my shield with startling, frightening force, sending a shock wave up my shoulder and down to the small of my back. I braced well and don’t lose my footing. Super Joshie Axe pistons forward, biting deep into the rib cage of the Stalker, and he screams in Stalker agony. The other Stalker (still glaring at me with black, unblinking eyes) raises his arms in an electric hug, and lightning shoots out of his chest and into mine. A roar fills my ears and tingles of lightning coruscate over all my armor.

The Drudge grins.

Super Joshie Axe explodes with rage in my hand, and again my blades bite deep. Heart Seeker III guides my blades deep into the chest of the first stalker. It squeals the Drudge death squeal and collapses at my feet.

Two to go.

I’m badly hurt from the Lightning, but not enough to run yet. I can take another blast of magic, and if I concentrate at the right time, and resist, I will be able to take these two.

They lunge forward, both of them at once with spears. My shield from Mizu-No and No-leggs, serves me well, deflecting both tips away from me. Super Joshie Axe shoots forward again, but only catches the arm of the Lurker. If I can finish him off, it’s just me and one Stalker. I can do that.

They lunge at me again, but my shield fairly leaps in the way of their attacks. One glances off for no damage, and the other stabs into my shoulder, drawing little blood, and no pain. Battle lust is upon me AND I WILL NOT BE DENIED!!!

"BRING IT!!!" I scream. And Super Joshie Axe sings its glorious song of carnage and death.

I lunge forward, putting all my strength and weight into the blow and bury my axe deep in the collarbone of the lurker. His eyes look skyward, his knees buckle and from his mouth is bellowed the loudest drudge scream I have ever heard.

Horror of Horrors, he does not fall. And I can’t get Super Joshie Axe FREE!!!

I brace my foot on the Lurker’s other shoulder, and heave with all my might, but the axe won’t come free. The Lurker is screaming, and clawing at me, and out of the corner of my eye, I can see the ravenor. He has one of those evil wide grins on his face. In his left hand is the can of Whoop Ass, and his right is closing over my helm.

This is going to be bad.

Using my Helm for leverage, he smashes the can of Whoop Ass into my nose with bone crushing force. Whoop Ass seeps into my nose, and worse, into my eyes, blinding me. Choking, dazed and blinded, I fall to my knees, my gripe lost on Super Joshie axe. The Lurker makes his way to his feet, the best axe ever still buried in his collarbone. They stand over me but I am so disoriented, I can’t get up.

"This is what we call the ‘Electric Hug’ punk," says the Ravenor. In tandem, they raise their arms over their head and lightning shoots out of their chest into my kneeling form.

And the world goes purple.

So I’m back at the lifestone.

My hair is all standing on end, and I’m missing my leggings, helmet, Super Joshie Axe, Thunder Hammer, and an 8-16, +4 to attack skill non magic Axe I use for taking on little stuff.

Great.

Just great.

All my weapons are gone. Every single one of them. Now what do I do?

Oh wait; I have an Ono I picked up off a Drudge Slave a little while ago that I haven’t had a chance to sell. Great. Better rush back and try to send those two to their own lifestone and get my stuff back. Luckily, I know right where it is, and it’s not far.

As I round the bend around the Lighthouse portal, I see a female mage and two warriors standing over my body. The Lurker and remaining Ravenor body are at there feet, still grinning.

"Excuse me. Excuse me. Let me just loot my dead body here."

"Man, those two lit you up like a Christmas tree Legend! We were rounding the corner right as he smashed that can of Whoop Ass in your face. I just about busted a gut when I saw that. You should have seen your face with Whoop Ass all in your hair and eyes and mouth. Funniest damn thing I ever saw."

"Hilarious I’m sure."

I put my pants back on, snap my helmet back into place, pick up my two weapons, and then wrench Super Joshie Axe out of the Lurker’s collarbone.

"That is a nice damn Axe," the same warrior says.

"Thanks. And thanks for killing those two for me. I appreciate it. The treasure is yours on the one I killed too. I wouldn’t have been able to take those two with a crappy Ono."

"You’re welcome," they say to my fleeing back. Because I am already gone. 7% Vitae now, and I know where I can go to work it off. Oh look, what’s this right ahead of me? Hilltop portal? What a great idea, think I’ll get my lame ass outta the Dires, and get back to some familiar territory and work off some Vitae.

I make my way to the Folthid Cellar, kill a Sandstone on the way down, and then open the door to the Lich Section. I love Liches. They give o.k. treasure, they don’t blast me TOO hard with Magic, and at my level, they are a nice challenge.

Here’s the plan.

Losing all three weapons I carry on me was a wake up call. As an Aluvian, I am trained in Dagger. That means I can get the no-drop Dagger of Tickola, and never have to worry about being weaponless again. And, daggers are nice and light, so I won’t get too burdened carrying around a fourth weapon with me. Then I sink a 20k into Dagger skill, and voila, set to go.

I know the Folthid Cellar inside and out. I can go through this dungeon with my eyes closed. There’s just one catch. It’s a really easy dungeon with two, even three people of my level. It’s a pretty hard dungeon solo. Liches can get lucky some times and blast you for a LOT when you are not ready. I can get the dagger; I just have to be really careful.

I pull the switch by the Limestone, jump down off the ledge, kill the remaining monsters on the floor, and then jump down to the Green, eerily glowing area that is the second half of the Folthid Cellar. It is then. Right at that moment that my lovely blond wife decides to look over at my computer screen.

"What are you doing?"

"Legend needs the Dagger of Tickola."

"You’re doing the Folthid Cellar alone again aren’t you? At what level is Legend now?"

"Twenty Three."

"With how much Vitae?"

7 "Um, six percent vitae."

"Are we going to have to come rescue you again?"

"No, I can do this. I just have to be careful."

"I’ll tell Muttfyre to get ready. We’ll come get you in an hour."

"No, I can do this without Sister C and Muttfyre. I just have to be careful."

And I can do this. I just have to draw one lich at a time, run when I get even close to half, and play it really, really smart. Here. Let me burn all the mana stones I can. Power up Super…

Damnit.

I can’t use Super Joshie Axe with this Vitae.

Oh well, I’m sure I can do this with my plain no magic Axe. It does grievous damage and has a nice attack bonus. I’m sure I’ll do fine. I’m sure I can still hit a lich with 6% Vitae, and I kill one, and then I’ll be down to 5%. Kill two more; hopefully I’ll be down to 4%. Three more and I can be at 3% Vitae. Then Super Joshie Axe comes back on line. No problem. I can do this.

The eerie glow of the Folthid cellar surrounds me, and a steady hummm is heard from the walls. An emanating, pervading sense of evil, undead power suffuses this place. I have been here many times, and never have I found the source of that unearthly noise.

Four passages for the unwary traveler to choose from. I know that it is the south passage that leads down to the Liches.

I start to creep down the green passage. Very slowly. Very quietly.

There will be two guards situated not far ahead. Two undead zombie lackeys of the Liches. They will be poorly armored, and unskilled in the weapons they wield. They will fall easily to my blades. I heft Super Joshie Axe in my hand, its mighty power muted by my recent death. No magic courses through me at its touch, and the blades do not sing to me of power. It is dead and lifeless in my weakened hands. Soon my pretty. Soon.

Super Joshie Axe. The Silver Blades. The Blades of no return.

I achingly slip Super Joshie Axe into my magical backpack of holding, and retrieve another blade. An oversized, finely crafted Silifi. No magic courses through its blade, but it is a masterpiece made by an amazing weapon smith. This one will have to do for now.

I inch forward around the corner, and immediately a loathsome Zombie is upon me, his fetid breath in my face, and a leering, lopsided grin on his own. The mighty shield I wield leaps in the way. The Zombie crashes into it, and I push him away, and he is off balance. My right hand shoots my axe forward, almost lazily, and lops his rotting head from his shoulders. The rest of his body crumples at my feet.

That’s one.

The other one rushes up the long ramp I am on, and runs right into my fine axe. It takes him hard in the chest, and his charge is abruptly over. He falls in a heap with the other.

That was easy.

So why am I sweating, nearly out of breath? Almost dizzy from the exertion? Oh yes, my recent trip to the Dire Lands can be blamed for that. Might as well rest for a moment, and I do. I lie prostrate on the ground, resting on the cool green stones next to the Zombies I had just dispatched. It takes but a moment, but I must be cautious. I can’t be exhausted when I take on the Liches at the bottom of the ramp. I must be at full strength for this entire adventure. I must be cautious, not foolhardy. I must not call for help from my lovely blond wife and my archer friend, Muttfyre. Too many times they have had to stop what they are doing to come haul me out of this eerie place. Not today.

Rested, I work my way further down the ramp. At the bottom are three Liches and two more undead, all in a twenty yard area. Luckily, they are spread out in such a way that I can draw them off one at a time if I am careful.

I get to the bottom of the ramp, and the two zombies, jump at me. I run back up, and they follow.

Divide and Conquer.

These two are as easy to dispatch as the first, but once again, a small light-headedness comes over me, and I lie down to rest before proceeding.

Ok. Everything going well so far. Down the ramp and to the left, another ramp and at the bottom, one lich. All alone in a little chamber all by himself. He’s my next victim. The two in larger chamber to the right can wait. They will be the tough ones.

Feeling better, I stand up, ease my way back down the ramp, and then rush down the second ramp to the lone Lich. He immediately opens his arms in a hug, and I wonder how bad this will hurt. Acid blast? More Lightning? Will I be able to resist?

Here comes the real test.

I feel a portion of my mind, a part that I never use, feel empty. I have been told that this feeling is that of someone draining my mana. A resource I never use.

"Ahahahaahahhha!!!!" I laugh as my axe bites into his ribs. It might not be Super Joshie Axe, but dry flesh comes away in layers beneath this axe and the Lich gives an unholy grunt. He raises a huge X-Bow to his shoulder, and a quarrel buries itself in my shoulder. Luckily, it misses all the bone, and goes right though the soft flesh.

Something odd happens next. The Lich almost seems to pause our battle, and sniffs the air. His undead head inches towards mine as if trying to get a whiff of me.

My axe pistons forward again, but the lich dances out of the way and loads another quarrel and fires at me again. This time, I dance out of the way as well and his quarrel smashes against the ramp and I hear it snap and ricochet up.

Back-swing with the axe, and I get lucky, it crashes into the Liches temple, and a large chunk of bone gets sheared off. The Lich looks down at the hunk of his forehead that is resting on his feet, glares at me, eyes filled with hate, and raises his hands in another hug.

Suddenly, I am short of breath, but not debilitated. I feel as if he was trying to exhaust me, but it has little effect. Relieved and exhilarated at not being seared by acid, I laugh in his face again and bring my axe in a vicious overhand cut, burying it deep in the exposed flesh of the Liches temple. Without a word, he crumples at my feet.

I think I will rest right here. And I do. Lying down and letting the dizziness pass. It takes almost a minute, and then I tear open a healing kit, press some almost magical herbs to my wound, and bandage my shoulder. A few moments later, and I am as good as new.

Now for the real challenge.

I inch my way up the ramp, and peer left. One of the Liches spots me immediately, and words of power are intoned. The smell of acid chokes my nostrils as suddenly a huge gout of the stuff splashes against the pillar I am leaning against.

Fate is with me this time, as I run back up the ramp and wonder of wonders – THE LICH FOLLOWS!

Divide and Conquer baby. Divide and Conquer.

I run him all the way back up the ramp, and right him around the first corner. Far, far away from his brethren down below. Again I feel that pull of something draining out of my mind, and again I laugh in the Liches grotesque face.

And again it happens.

The lich seems to pause in mid battle, and seems to test the air. But just for a second, as if searching for something. Something it can’t quite grasp.

Or smell…

I overcome my confusion, and sink my Axe through the Liches knee. He buckles, and then I bring it down on his neck, ending our short lived battle.

What’s this?

I don’t feel quite so weak.

The battle has renewed some of my energy. I don’t feel nearly so tired as I did before, and the axe even feels lighter in my hand. I feel a surge of triumph rush through me, and I know I can do this. The Dagger will be mine. I will get it alone. Today!

Why was I thinking this was going to be hard?

I work my way back down the ramp to the large chamber. One lich left in here. Subtleties aside, I just rush him. He sees me, and charges me like he knows how to use that axe in his hand.

Oh no.

I hate that.

Don’t you ever attack me with an axe. Don’t even think you are an Axe fighter mister lich man. I’ll snap your little axe over your back and show you what a real axe is.

I easily parry his clumsy swing, and then chop low at his legs, like I did with his brother. A gash opens up on his thigh, and dust flutters out, floats to the floor. Somehow, he regains his balance, and opens his arms in another Hug and I brace myself. What is it this time? Acid? Fire? More mana drain?

Suddenly I feel much weaker. My Axe seems almost twice as hard to swing, and my armor is dragging me down. My bottomless backpack seems filled to bursting as the weakness suffuses my limbs. Once again I laugh in the Liches dusty face.

Weakness? You cast weakness on me?

"AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!"

And I shoot my axe forward again; catch him cleanly on the neck, and another lich falls.

This is too easy. Why was I worried about this at all?

I rest in this room, and then I loot the bodies of the Liches. The axe is total garbage, but there is a sword on one of them that glows with the aura of magic. I stick it into the treasure pouch of my bottomless backpack. I can sell that later.

I do a mental scan of myself. The power of killing the last two Liches has helped me, but not enough. One more and I should start to feel a lot more like my normal self. One more lich and I should be able to call on Super Joshie Axe. I long to feel its power coursing through my veins again. Then the Liches will fall!! HA HA! Then they will fall like wheat before a scythe.

I make my way down a passageway to another ramp. I run from the ramp to the next room, and there sits a lever. Guarded by a Lich and one lone Zombie.

No problem.

I rush into the room with glee. A wide smile playing along the corners of my mouth. I can’t help but laugh as I enter. In moments these two will be at my feet, and my might axe will once again sing its glorious song. Together, we will finish this pit and claim the dagger as our own.

I rush the lich, and am rewarded with a face full of fire. The room explodes in flames as the lich opens his arms and flames roar out of them. It’s a hot fire too. This lich has tapped into the power of the force for this one. The walls themselves sear, my armor catches on fire and so does my hair. The shaft of my axe starts to smolder, and I stop laughing. I know that I have just taking massive damage, and may not be able to do this…

What am I thinking?

Where is my much vaunted confidence of a few moments ago? Besides, there is NO WAY OUT BUT DOWN!!! Kill this lich, or you aren’t going anywhere. Or, you are once again calling on the Lovely Sister C and Muttfyre to save you.

Not again.

Not this time.

I again start my charge, shield raised high, and my axe pulled back, eager for a telling blow. I lead with the shield first, and smash it as hard as I can into the Liches face. When I lower to shield just a hair, so I can see the Liches face,

Horror of Horrors. He is smiling.

"What is it Lich? Do you like the smell of my burnt hair in your nostrils?"

A sound like a dead riverbed coughs out of the Liches throat. "No, I like the smell of your VITAE!!!" he screams.

Uh oh.

His arms open wide again, and lightning shoots from his chest, blasting through my shield, my armor, and all the way through my back.

No! I can still win… I must get away and heal. if I can just…

But I can’t.

A crossbow bolt from the Liches undead lackey catches me in the spine, and suddenly, the world turns purple. A purple tunnel, and then a jarring sense of reality.

I am again at Roxanne Folthid’s House. Standing by her Lifestone.

Oh, this is bad.

I have to get down there and get my body before the other Liches respawn. Oh, I have to hurry a lot. Oh, this is some, some bad. Very very bad indeed.

I rush to the cellar door before I check my inventory. Great. I still have my non magical axe, but my Hauberk is gone, and so are my leggings.

I’m going to be fighting Liches naked? Oh joy. Oh rapture.

Wait! No. That’s not that bad. Its not the melee you worry about with Liches, it’s the magic. Why were the others so easy to take, and this one so hard?

Think think think…

What was the difference…

I’m sure it doesn’t matter. I’ll smash this guy, get my armor back, and then we’ll think about a plan.

The Folthid cellar upper levels are camped as usual, making my way to the bottom is easy. I jump down in nothing but my boots, gloves and helmet and pray no one got a good look at me.

I have this nightmare every now and then.

There’s a big battle coming up, and for some reason, everyone is laughing at me. Disoriented and confused I can’t figure out why. Then I look down and it dawns on me. I’m NAKED! I’ve shown up to the big battle NAKED. I’ve blown my whole future. My parents are going to kill me. Joel, Joel, get off the baby sitter.

(O.k., what movie am I talking about? Ten points to the first right answer.)

This is just like that. Only I can’t wake up.

I jump down to the eerie green room and I am in luck. The Liches at the first level have not respawned. I rush through and down the second ramp to the room with the lich in it. The lich that killed me. Oh look, there I am. My nice red armor still on my corpse, singed and bent, a quarrel in my back. What a grisly sight.

I rush at him, Axe raised high, and he opens his mouth.

A sound like a 1000 year old horn blasts through catacombs.

"I SMELL VITAE!!!" Screams the lich. and my blood runs cold in my veins. Every lich in the place now knows that I am hurt, wounded, and a shadow of my former self.

"I SMELL VITAE!!!" he thunders, and then raises his arms out in an acid hug.

Oh god.

A gout of green liquid SMASHES in to me. Knocking me off my feet, and back against the far wall. The acid burns into my eyes, tears the skin from my bones and destroys any chance I have of recovering my body. I scramble to my feet and rush out of the room, a gout of fire following in my wake.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god."

This is bad. This is bad.

I make my way back up to the green room just as the Liches below are respawning. One of them follows me up the first ramp, and there is nowhere to go. I have to fight and die in this room, or run in circles and scream like a little girl and die. Those are my choices.

I chose to fight, and just like I knew I would. I die.

What is going on? How come the first few Liches were so easy?

Replaying events in my head, I start to see a pattern. When I first showed up, the Liches had no idea what I was. They didn’t know how to attack me. Blindly searching for a good attack, the came up short every time. Clumsiness, weakness, drain mana. None of them keep me from smashing them.

The last lich. He knows.

He may not know the best way to attack me, but he knows I am a hurting unit. He knows that I have vitae. He knows that now, well, I am reeking of it. Instead of trying to be clever, and find out the best tactic to use, he just blasted me. Just straight war spells one right after another.

Now, all his buddies know too.

And I’m naked and weaponless at the lifestone.

What a great day.

Rimgar Redsun tells you "Hey, what’s up today?"

/tell Rimgar Redsun, "Um, where are you?"

Rimgar Redsun tells you "Yanshi, why?"

/tell Rimgar Redsun, "Bring me a Dillo hide and let me use one of your axes please. I need a little help if you are free?"

Rimgar Redsun tells you "Sure, what’s up?"

/tell Rimgar Redsun "Liches can smell Vitae. That’s what’s up."

Rimgar Redsun tells you "Are you trying to get the Dagger alone again?"

Hope you enjoyed it.

Jamie C. Wakefield