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Clueless

How can you turn Clue, Monopoly, Tarot Cards, and other assorted miscellany into Magic-related funfests?

Life isn’t much like a minestrone, Mssrs 10cc; it’s more like an under-cooked Jacket Potato – half-baked. If life was so gastronomic, we’d all have better things to do than sit around all day declaring our intentions to attack. Still, regardless of whether the soup-like nature of being is, indeed, covered in ‘parmesan cheese’, it’s best not to bleat and apply the JFDI* methodology.


Thusly…


If you’re as obsessed with this CCG as I think you probably are, then why not go the whole hog and restructure everyone else’s favourite pastimes to suit with a Magical theme? It can only lead, in the long run, to tears (obviously) — but what a wild, exciting roller-coaster of a ride it’ll be in the meantime, eh? Hold on to your hats, babies, because I don’t know how much you’ll be able to stomach.


CANDIDATE No.1 – CLUEDO (or CLUE)

The rules of play are exactly the same, only the cards are different. Using the easy-to-cock-up guide included hereafter, switch in the appropriate Magic cards, write on the board in thick marker pen and print-off some new check sheets. Hey, Presto! Hot ‘Gathering’ mystery, whodunnit-type action. If you’re feeling especially playful, why not take enlarged colour photo-copies of the ‘Land’ artwork and cut-to-fit on the board – then use something permanent (e.g., glue, gum, six-inch nails, etc.) for affixation.


Suspects:

Tahngarth, Talruum Hero (a.k.a. Miss Scarlett)

Gerard Capashen (a.k.a. Mrs White)

Multani, Maro Sorcerer (a.k.a. Reverend Green)

Ertai The Corrupted (a.k.a. Colonel Mustard)

Alexi, Zephyr Mage (a.k.a. Mrs Peacock), and

Volrath (a.k.a. Professor Plum)


Weapons:

Quicksilver Dagger (Dagger)

Candelabra of Tawnos (Candlestick)

Legacy Weapon (Revolver)

Lifeline (Rope)

Lead Golem (Lead Piping)

Jhoira’s Toolbox (Spanner)


Rooms:

Assembly Hall (at last – a use for this crappy Masques rare!)

Icatian Store (Kitchen)

Arena (Billiard Room)

Jungle Basin (Conservatory)

Library Of Alexandria (Library)

City Of Brass (Ballroom)

Adventurers’ Guildhouse (Lounge)

Scorched Ruins (Dining Room)

School Of The Unseen (Study)


Of course, the thrill of Magical Clue is derived from the amusing transposition of macho male characters such as Gerard and Tahngarth (whom I still think looks like a Dairylea Cheese cow) to female Miss Marple types with tweed suits and an unnatural hunger for cream teas, and those sure-to-be side-splitting ‘accusations,’ e.g.,”I think it was Volrath…in the Adventurer’s Guildhouse…With the Candelabra of Tawnos!”


Ho-ho-ho – I’m laughing about the whole idea as I type. Hilarious. Pant-expandingly jape-tastic!


CANDIDATE No.2 – Monopoly

Remember the days of fighting over who had the Racing Car or the Top Hat? Well, all you have to…hang on…I’ve just got to take a call:


Tony (picking up the receiver): Hello?


V.A.O.E** (high-pitched): Squiddly-diddly-squiddly-dee!


Tony (slightly confused): Really?


V.A.O.E** (high-pitched): Diggley-diggley-diggley-squeedle!


Tony (realisation descending): Really?


V.A.O.E** (high-pitched): Squeedley…


Tony: (deflated) I see…


V.A.O.E** (fainter now, as if racing into the horizon on a quad bike): Squee-squiggle dee.


Tony: (tersely) Good bye.


…ah, it seems that Waddingtons, or whoever the hell has copyright ownership of Monopoly, have a red-hot legal team that like to, in the Disney style, prosecute any possible copyright infringements (such as the adaptation I was about to reveal) with a ruthless vigour and an other-worldly relentlessness. This is a fire I’d rather not micturate into, so let us move swiftly along…


CANDIDATE No.3 – TAROT CARDS

Okay. I know that these aren’t strictly a game, but they lend themselves beautifully to an M:TG makeover. I have divided the cards into the Major (character) and Minor (suit) Arcanae. Selection criteria and reading layouts remain, unlike my fragile ego, intact.


Careful what you wish for…


































































































 


MAJOR ARCANA


CARD NAME (AND NO.)


M:TG EQUIVALENT


SIGNIFICANCE FOR INTERPETERS (AND KEY WORDS)


THE FOOL (0)


Squee, Goblin Nabob


A recurring event.


[Over-rated, Under-used]


THE MAGICIAN (1)


A picture of Richard Garfield stuck on to a Masques PLAINS


Someone who plays better than you. [Intentional Draw, Pomposity, Cheats Like A Mexican]


THE HIGH PRIESTESS (2)


Willow Priestess


Female Intervention (Magic: The Gathering)


[Shoes, Brad Pitt, Hell for One Week In Four]


THE EMPRESS (3)


Empress Galina


Female Intervention (Authority – probably by a mother figure – I said”mother FIGURE!”)


[Oedipal, Pocket Money, Laundry]


THE EMPEROR (4)


King Suleiman


Male Intervention (Authority).


[Father, Judge, Fat Bloke In The Cafeteria]


THE HIEROPHANT (5)


Citanul Hierophant


Intellectual/Academic Concerns


[Eh? Hiero-what? He’s half a bleedin’ horse?]


THE LOVERS (6)


Uktabi Oran-Utang


Relationships.


[Coming Together. Coming one at a time. Coming too soon]


THE CHARIOT (7)


War Chariot


A Journey.


[Extra socks, Deodorant, Hash Pipe]


STRENGTH (8)


Giant Strength


Power.


[Assertiveness. Trash-talking. Arm-wrestler]


THE HERMIT (9)


Deranged Hermit


Personal Hygiene Problems.


[Urgh!, Halitosis, Immac]


WHEEL OF FORTUNE (10)


Wheel of Fortune


Luck.


[Duck, Suck, <edited>]


JUSTICE (11)


Justice


Justice


[Honesty, Integrity, The American Way]


THE HANGED MAN (12)


A picture of any reknowned cheater


Severe Change / Watch out for bear traps.


[Predicament, Conundrum, Michelin Man]


DEATH (13)


Does it matter? Probably Terror would be a good ‘un


Take this one out, as I don’t know anyone who has ever pulled this card during a reading and not been totally panic-stricken***


TEMPERANCE (14)


Balance


Balance.


[Ice, Station, and Zebra]


THE DEVIL (15)


Lord of the Pit


Temptation/The Wrong Path


[Pokemon]


THE TOWER (16)


Ivory Tower


Invulnerability.


STAR (17)


Falling Star


Celebrity


[Fame, I’m Gonna Live Forever, I’m Gonna Learn How To Fly]


MOON (18)


Pale Moon


Bad Times Ahead


SUN (19)


Fireball


Good Times Ahead


JUDGEMENT (20)


Radiant’s Judgement


A Yes or No answer is required.


[Perhaps, Maybe, It Depends…]


THE WORLD (21)


City In A Bottle / Planar Overlay


Another Hobby/Pastime


[Coppertwaddle]

 
















































































































































































 


MINOR ARCANA


CARD NAME


M:TG EQUIVALENT


SIGNIFICANCE FOR INTERPETERS


ACE OF WANDS


Multani, Maro-Sorcerer


An Insurmountable problem or, perhaps, something green


TWO OF WANDS


Reef Shamen


No canned meat products


THREE OF WANDS


Minotaur Illusionist


The loss of a Magazine/Periodical (but NOT a newspaper)


FOUR OF WANDS


Shamen en-Kor


A telephone call (while you’re in the bathroom)


FIVE OF WANDS


Anaba Shamen


Inability to draw land


SIX OF WANDS


Vodalian Illusionist


Ability to draw nothing BUT land


SEVEN OF WANDS


Goblin Wizard


A card no-one plays with because it’s dreck


EIGHT OF WANDS


Thrull Wizard


Woody Allen’s ‘funny’ early movies


NINE OF WANDS


Wizard Mentor


Intervention of someone in Authority


TEN OF WANDS


Apprentice Wizard


More mana than sense


 


ACE OF SWORDS


Sword Of The Ages


The man who sold the world


TWO OF SWORDS


Benalish Knight


A trip out


THREE OF SWORDS


Kjeldoran Knight


What the butler saw


FOUR OF SWORDS


Metathran Soldier


Foil-coated


FIVE OF SWORDS


Yotian Soldier


A beard or moustache


SIX OF SWORDS


Pikemen


6th Edition Rules


SEVEN OF SWORDS


MIrri, Cat Warrior


Conflict / Hidden pet excrement


EIGHT OF SWORDS


Zhalfirin Knight


Secret Government activity


NINE OF SWORDS


Femeref Knight


Naked Internet hack / The word ‘gigawatt’


TEN OF SWORDS


Wall Of Swords


The last turkey in the shop


 


ACE OF CUPS


Ivory Cup


Allergic reaction / mild NSU


TWO OF CUPS


Braidwood Cup


Rain (again!)


THREE OF CUPS


Urza’s Chalice


Happiness (if only for a short while)


FOUR OF CUPS


Sol Grail


The stubbing of a toe (see above)


FIVE OF CUPS


Aeliopile


Draw another card /”A playful slap on the behind – that’s all it was, your honour”


SIX OF CUPS


Jayemdae Tome


Advice from someone you respect


SEVEN OF CUPS


Fool’s Tome


Advice from someone who doesn’t know his ass from his elbow


EIGHT OF CUPS


Kyren Toy


The last of the mohicans


NINE OF CUPS


Divine Intervention


Closure


TEN OF CUPS


Kill Switch


Broken VCR / other electrical goods


 


ACE OF PENTACLES


Sengir Autocrat


One! One Pentacle! Nya-nya-nya!


TWO OF PENTACLES


Krovikan Sorcerer


Contact with the ‘other world’


THREE OF PENTACLES


Prodigal Sorcerer


Dubious shuffling / one”in the lap”


FOUR OF PENTACLES


Apprentice Necromancer


Disappointment


FIVE OF PENTACLES


Pentagram Of The Ages


Religious outrage / A sea vessel


SIX OF PENTACLES


Bog Witch


Mis-ruling / Errata the size of a bus


SEVEN OF PENTACLES


Cackling Witch


A poor trades folder


EIGHT OF PENTACLES


Cuombajj Witches


SPAM e-mails and Internet porn


NINE OF PENTACLES


Nova Pentacle


A forthcoming expansion


TEN OF PENTACLES


Glyph of Destruction


Next Wednesday















































































 


COURT CARDS


CARD NAME


M:TG EQUIVALENT


SIGNIFICANCE FOR INTERPETERS


PAGE OF WANDS


Ertai, Wizard Adept


An long-standing argument / grudge


QUEEN OF WANDS


Rayne, Academy Chancellor


Inheritance


KNIGHT OF WANDS


Reveka, Wizard Savant


Problems with your credit card statement / flammable junk mail


KING OF WANDS


Barrin, Master Wizard


David Blaine


 


PAGE OF CUPS


Angelic Page


The tooth fairy


QUEEN OF CUPS


Hanna, Ship’s Navigator


Love


KNIGHT OF CUPS


Veteran Bodyguard


You’re not coming in here with THOSE shoes


KING OF CUPS


Gerard Capashen


Shaped chocolate


 


PAGE OF SWORDS


Youthful Knight


Victory


QUEEN OF SWORDS


Sworn Defender


A sibling


KNIGHT OF SWORDS


White Knight


Anthony Alongi on a Friday afternoon


KING OF SWORDS


General Jarkeld


A superb trades folder


 


PAGE OF PENTACLES


Servant of Volrath


Loss


QUEEN OF PENTACLES


Sorceress Queen


Net Decks


KNIGHT OF PENTACLES


Devouring Strossus / B.F.G


A lost cause


KING OF PENTACLES


Sol’kanar the Swamp King


When nuns attack!

 


CANDIDATE No.4 – SCRABBLE


In a slightly-derivative version of Magic Scrabble, players are allowed to draw seven tiles and, if they’re not happy with those seven, ditch them in favour of drawing six news tiles etc. Once happy, and the game is allowed to continue – AFTER ALL WE HAVEN’T GOT ALL FREAKIN’ NIGHT, GUYS! – words placed ‘pon the be-squared battlefield must be DEMONSTRABLY**** Magic-related. In addition, words may be extended with additional words if they form the name of a card eg. adding the word ELF to the end of the word LLANOWAR to form LLANOWARELF is acceptable, as is adding URZAS to the beginning of the word RAGE (for the purpoises of simplicity, punctuation may be ignored).


Ah! If dat isn’t a foine sitar corrupted produx to be goin’ ahn with fer shure (and tappa da mornin’, tee yee)


Love,


Tony ‘They’re After Me Lucky Charms’ Boydell


[email protected]


Notes:


* – Just Friggin’ Do It!


** – Voice At Other End


*** – Apart from a bloke I once knew called ‘Graham Reaper’


**** – As in ‘demonstrably’