You know, people often say to me:
“Boydell? How do you spell that?”
And as frustrating as that may seem, it’s an irrevocably true statement. How does one spell it, in a metaphorical sense I’m talking about now – no point in asking it in a physical sense, because I’ve already written it out for you.
Now I’m off the point. Where was I?
My good friend and legal consultant, the Venerable Professor Gabriel Icarus Pargitter Lick-Me/Stick-Me Sneeep thought it amusing to send me a parcel of flour-dusted lentils on a pie crust base spelling out the words”Boydell Sucks Eggs.” Some of the more sparkly lentils turned out to be sequins – which, as I pointed out to him in a reciprocal letter bomb, could be dangerous to small children. This statement, however, applies to the Oven-Shackled Pastry Chef in his entirety, and not just to the obscure pudding-related missives he fires out on occasion.
Still, it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have eaten polenta.
He followed up his pulse-based communiqué with a collection of ‘Did you know?’ factoids he’d been researching for a forthcoming book – an haphazard collection of feats and accomplishments in the world of Magic: The Gathering.
Heretofore are some of the aforementioned deeds for your digestion.
THE SNEEEP BOOK OF MAGICAL RECORDS
The Longest Game
March 17th, 1998 to the present day (Mark O’Fewry vs.Dennis Elbow, Round 4 of a 6-Round Swiss Type 2 Sanctioned Event)
At the start of the tournament, the TO specified that matches tied when time in the round was called would be awarded to the player with the highest life total or, if those too were tied, to the player who initiates the first point of damage to his opponent thereafter. In the unfortunate case of Mark and Dennis, who were both at one game and fifteen life when the hour was up, their hearts were stopped simultaneously by a massive elecro-static discharge from a spectator who had spent the morning rubbing his shoes on a man-made fibre rug. Thus, since that moment, neither player has been capable of initiating any damage and, as one would expect, the likelihood of this situation resolving itself (or resolving anything) gets less as the months (and various viscous body fluids) pass by. This one, like their internal organs, will run and run. As an interesting aside, the previous holders of the record were Phil E. Buster and Neil Reverently who took eighteen months to complete a friendly exchange due to being frozen inside an iceberg.
The Shortest Game
Sally Forth and Gita Jobb were so keen to ‘get going’ during an Invasion Limited PTQ in 2001 that they shuffled, dealt, and began playing before the Judges had formally started it all off. As a consequence of a minor computer glitch which took a short while to fix, Sally and Gita finished the third game of their set approximately 1.2 seconds after the Head Judge shouted”You May Start!”, and were able to sign off the paperwork and do some shopping before the next round began. Sally went on to get a 10th place finish, while Gita found a cheap pair of Court shoes.
The Shortest Magic Player
‘Tiny’ Tina Janinjaturtles was the only player to have been known to shuffle herself into her own deck of cards after she caught her frilly lace cuff in a deck protector. The incident wasn’t noticed until over four hours later when a pond-dwelling bottom feeder attempted to steal Tina’s deck, which was lying around seemingly unattended, and it shouted”Get Me Out Of Here!” at him.
The Most Blatant Stalling For Time (or the”Only Got Land In Hand” Scenario)
Pick any game against Neil Yates – that’ll do it.*
The Most Gratuitous Use of a Bad Word During a Sanctioned Match
Many tough young tykes use foul and abusive language in an attempt to gain a psychological edge over their opponents; I use it because I like it. However, one can be in no doubt as to the holder of this record: Victor ‘Maledicta’ Jones of Vermont. During just a single”five extra turns” period at PT: Columbus, Victor managed to spray-paint the words”[EDITED] in my [EDITED], you [EDITED] [EDITED]-er” across the back of the venue, the judging point, the cafeteria, and a nearby Primary School in six-foot, day-glo Times New Roman Font. When interviewed by the local constabulary, Victor blamed tartrazine in his orange juice and got a hefty out-of-court settlement and three PT points as a result.
The Most Gratuitous Use of Furniture During a Sanctioned Match
Mandy Lifeboats successfully got her first three opponents DQ-ed at a Regional Qualifier in Bulowayo because they joined her on a tartan chez longues; the Judges interpreted their behaviour as trying to gain unfair advantage by looking at Mandy’s hand of cards when all they were actually doing was reaching over for some more grapes.
Fattest Magic Player
Charlie Szarntt, weighing a hefty 820 pounds, is regarded as the fattest tub of human lard to ever take up the hobby of Magic: The Gathering. To date, he has six confirmed satellites (Athos, Porthos, Wheatus, Foetus, Tinkywinky and Runnymead) and is banned from attending the coastal qualifiers on account of him influencing the tides.
Most Thorough Randomisation of a Deck
Teddy Ruxpin has developed a system of quantum randomisation that ensured any deck is in an incontrovertible state of arbitrariness while simultaneously bound, in the physical universe, by Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principal; this means that a Ruxpin deck is totally random until you look at it. Well, it’s worth a try the next time you mana weave between rounds.
Do you know of any interesting goings-on and achievements that the arse-like academic could add to his collection? E-mail me at the address hereafter…
Until the forklift of Fate runs amok and spears the placid Friesian of Destiny,
* – Couldn’t resist it, Neil. Sorry.